Prelude: What Once Was Mine
Flower gleam and glow
Let your power shine
Make the clock reverse
Bring back what once was mine
It happened on a Tuesday. Ryoma remembered because practice went for an extra two hours on Tuesday. He'd come home to find a letter on his pillow. It happened on a cloudy, frigid Tuesday in mid-December. As it turned out, less than two weeks before his birthday. And Christmas.
For a brief moment, Ryoma thought it was a joke. Surely, it had to be a joke. It was impossible. Two weeks previous to this, he'd woken up with roses in his hand. Months ago, days ago, hours ago, minutes ago…they'd had forever. And in one second, one unsuspecting second, forever disappeared. It slipped out the back door in the middle of the night without a sound. No warning. No preparation. No drama, no screaming, no fighting or tears. No closure. It never stopped being perfect. It was simply gone.
I'm so sorry for the pain this is going to cause…for what it's worth, I do love you…won't ask you to forgive me…I hope someday…I don't want you to wait…find someone else…you'll forget in no time…I hope someday...don't try to contact me, I won't respond…it's not like it used to be…not your fault…for what it's worth…I hope someday…
I love you, Ryoma.
It took Ryoma several hours to move from that spot. He did not cry or sob. He did not rage. This was impossible. They'd had forever. They'd had roses and starlight and omelets every morning. They'd had forever. It seemed utterly impossible to him, absolutely and completely impossible, that this could really be it.
Nine. Fucking. Months. Not even a year. It was a joke, of course. It was a sick fucking joke and Ryoma would ring Fuji's neck when he came home. Because he would come home, smiling and laughing. Or even if it wasn't a joke, Fuji would come home after a few weeks…a month at the most, two if the bastard was truly idiotic…and apologize it away. He'd explain that the commitment had spooked him. He'd explain that he'd been stupid.
Ryoma had even accepted the possibility- as much as it sickened him- that Fuji might be with someone else. But of course, as soon as he was done, he'd be filled with regret. He'd realize that this was all a gigantic mistake.
In three months, tops, this letter would be irrelevant. Everything would be back to normal. Ryoma would beat the living shit out of Fuji and then everything would be back to normal. They'd have forever again. There was no way.
There was no way Fuji could just walk out on their forever.
Seven days. It had been seven days since the letter. No contact. No messages. Fuji's things were simply gone. He'd left a few things. His alarm clock. His electric toothbrush. Things that weren't really that important to him.
Things like Ryoma.
At first, Ryoma broke. He sobbed, he railed against God. He matted Karupin's fur with his tears. Then he calmed down. Laughed at himself. Of course Fuji would come home. He knew it. Of course he would. All he had to do…was….
Ryoma didn't know what to do.
The gifts Fuji had showered him with. He didn't know whether to hold them close or burn them to ashes.
He didn't know whether to love Fuji or to hate him.
He didn't know whether to go out and fuck a random stranger or wait patiently for Fuji to come to his senses.
Part of him wanted to hurt Fuji. If Fuji didn't care, if he could just walk out, why should Ryoma keep his legs closed? Why should he save himself for such a cold, lying, heartless, promise breaking son of a whore?
Part of him recoiled in horror at the idea of anyone else touching him.
It disgusted him that he could belong to someone who quite possibly didn't even want him.
He didn't know anything at all. And this was horrifying. He was petrified. What if he felt the wrong thing? What if he felt hope and it was crushed? What if he moved on and Fuji came home? What if he breathed the wrong way?
He could shatter the fragile reality he lived in where everything was okay. It was hard to hold onto something that may never happen. But it was impossible to let go.
It was a double edged sword.
And there were moments when Ryoma thought he could live without Fuji. That Fuji had lost the right to his love.
But they were only moments.
And so Ryoma waited. He was officially single. He made it look easy. But on the inside, the only thing that kept him together…was very person who was tearing him apart.
IwishIcouldhateyou. Ryoma thought bleakly, staring at the ceiling. The bed was cold and empty beside him. He knew he would not sleep tonight. But he would not cry either…and so tonight was a victory. He took them where he could get them.
You fucking idiot.
How could you do this?
How could you leave me alone? You promised…you swore you'd never leave me alone…
How could I have let myself believe you?
I don't care. I'm going to forget you. I can have whoever I want.
I miss you.
Don't say goodbye.
We have more time.
I hate you.
I hate you!
…I don't care why you did this.
I don't care.
I'll never forgive you.
But come home.
Please come home.