A/N From Jessica: I wrote a fic! No I did not die...however I have absolutely NO idea where this came from, but fuck it. And here i thought i was too tired from midterms to even blink. Ahh well. Here ya go. Enjoy!
Warnings: Cock. Possible incorrect descriptions of the iPhone 4S. If you squint hard enough there might be a plot to this.
When Ted had been thrown his new cell phone with a muttered command of 'try not to break that one, dumbass', he was admittedly less than pleased.
So he had had a little mishap with his pre-match Red Bull the other day and may have sloshed the entire thing across his lap where, coincidentally, his cell phone happened to be lying. So this happened to be the third one he'd gone through in a year and pretty much knew each Tech Support Worker in the greater Tri-State area by name now. (Tiffany from Richmond was his favorite by far; she tended to speak slowly and excused his general ineptness.)
That didn't make him special needs or anything. He just happened to have a few issues with technology. (Namely he didn't like it and it loathed him with a fiery burning passion that only rivaled the everlasting flames of Hell.)
Okay, maybe more than a few issues.
But it wasn't his fault! Blame his upbringing, Your Honor. Unlike his best friend (with benefits) he didn't grow up playing Mario Brothers and the one with the little running blue guy. He didn't spend every waking hour of his childhood accompanied with the sound of smashing keys and electronic beeping. So sue him, but he spent his time in the Great Outdoors with a football and a fishing pole, breathing fresh hair and feeling warm sunlight on his face. And if that meant missing out on his BA in working-shit-with-buttons that everyone around him seemed to have, then so be it.
But that wasn't his problem. Ted had become used to his aversion for all things Apple, HP, and Sony. If he were completely honest, he didn't have much use for a cell phone anyway. He was within spitting distance of all his friends and road-buddies; if he wanted to talk to them he could just knock on the wall.
No, his problem happened to be the look his smug, sarcastic, little asshole of a friend had on his face. The one that said 'I know you're one of those Good Ole Southern Boys so it might be hard, but how about we start acting like you've got a brain inside that pretty little head of yours?'
It was pissing him off.
Ted sighed, tossing his shiny new gadget on the bed behind him. "While I appreciate the interest in the well-being of my electronic devices, what's the big deal? The green button is to call, the red button is to hang up. What more do I need to know?"
Cody gave an unimpressed twitch of his eyebrow, shaking his head as if he wondered why God had forsaken him by giving him such a clueless bumpkin of a friend in the first place. "What more-? How about basic concepts such as 'what button makes the screen go night-night' so your big ass doesn't butt-dial me every four minutes?"
Ted ignored the patronizing tone and quip about his backside, choosing instead to take in a deep breath and calmly count to ten. If there was one thing he didn't need during Cody's little technology seminar, it was him getting pissy for receiving a punch to the jaw.
Oh no. We wouldn't want that, would we?
"Now then," Cody said, reaching to adjust his light blue polo and seemingly take his own calming breath, "tip number one for care of an electronic device: throwing them against the wall isn't particularly wise. No matter how shock-resistant the booklet says, it isn't bulletproof."
Ted sheepishly looked away, "...That happened one time..."
"It was one time too many, DiBiase. And because I doubt you've actually learned your lesson, no beverages on or near your phone. Got it?"
Ted crossed his arms defensively, plopping down on his bed, "Yeah, I got it! Sheesh Codes."
Cody smirked, "Good. Now let's talk about Bluetooth."
Ted's groan could be heard throughout every room of the hotel.
"No, no, no! This camera symbol is your camera, this camera symbol is FaceTime! My God, Ted. This isn't Nuclear Physics!"
Ted shirked away from the ever-increasing volume of Cody's voice. He felt like he was back in grade school again. Back when he just couldn't get the hang of his times tables and Ms. Newman had the tendency to get in his face about it. Only Cody wasn't a Sixty-year old woman, and more than likely threw a harder punch than one.
"'M sorry, Codes. I just- I just don't care about any of this shit. You're a great teacher, It's just that I can't learn this stuff. Sorry, s'just the way I'm wired."
Cody scoffed, leaning back in the chair he'd been perched in for near an hour. "You didn't seem to have a problem learning that thing I taught you last night. I don't know why changing your wallpaper is so difficult."
Ted looked away as heat flooded his face. "Well, that's different. I wanted to learn that."
Ted eyed Cody warily as he jumped to his feet. "What's it?"
Cody picked up Ted's phone, thrusting it in his hands with a grin. "We just have to make learning about your phone something you want to do!"
Ted arched an eyebrow, "And how are we going to do that?"
Cody's grin grew even wider, "You tell me everything you know about your phone. For everything you get right, I remove an article of clothing."
Ted's eyebrows flew up to his hairline, "Seriously?"
Cody nodded slowly, eyelids lowering in that 'come fuck me' face that Ted knew had to be for his benefit. "But only if you get them right."
He only considered it for half of a second, then: "You got yourself a deal."
"This one is...for...my music?"
Cody nodded, face urging him on. "What about your music?"
"It...uhh," Ted reached up and ruffled his hay-colored hair, trying to stall as long as possible.
"C'mon, Teddy. You can do it. What does that symbol mean?"
"It..." God damn this was too hard. Why were there so many little pictures anyway? Couldn't they just spell it out for him? How hard was it for those smartass programers to write 'this disables autocorrect' or 'swiping like this deletes your videos'? But noooooo...This was 2011. Reading was too advanced for the ten-year old kids who spent all their time texting Elmo. They had to use tiny little pictures like this one. Ones with little arrows for...wait a minute.
"It shuffles it! It picks your songs instead of playing them in order!"
Cody couldn't hold back his grin; his boy was as quick as a whip. "Right! Good job, Ted! Okay, how do I change apps without going to the home screen?"
Ted's face crumpled in confusion.
Well he was most of the time anyway.
"All right, Ted. It's okay. I owe you for your right answer anyway."
His face perked up real quick at that, his eyes dragging down the expanse of skin in front of him. Cody wore more layers than any man he'd ever seen, but he finally got enough questions right to see some skin. Cody's long, lean torso was in full view, a dark and slightly raised nipple close enough that Ted had an intense urge to Lick. But Cody didn't like him touching during their lesson. Said that Ted was too easily distracted and would only end up planting Cody on the bed and mounting him then and there. So he resisted. For now anyway.
Cody teased going for his pants, running his fingers up and down his fly teasingly before flinging his foot on top of his knee and pushing a sock to the floor.
"Oh, c'mon!" Ted was practically whining at this point. "That's not fair."
"Such is life, Teddy. Get the answers right, and who knows? You might be the one who ends up naked first."
"Settings! No, wait. Contacts! Yeah, yeah. That's it."
Cody shook his head, "You had it right the first time, it was settings."
"Dammit! This is too hard!"
"Sorry, Ted. But don't give up, you're learning."
"...Can you still take your pants off?"
"You have to...push the home button. Only, you don't press it just once, Cause' that'll just take you to the home screen. You...uhh. You press it twice, like this, and the little panel comes up and you can choose a different app. Is...I mean, that's right isn't it?"
Cody looked down at his phone, schooling his features into a perfect poker face. His head tilted up, searching Ted's face for what seemed like forever before giving a small quirk of his lips and nodding.
"Yes! I am some sort of God! Cody. Pants. I'm sorry but you'll no longer be seeing one another."
Cody scoffed, pulling at the waistband of his jeans and slipping them past his thighs. "You are such a dork."
"Ahh, yes. But I'm a dork who's taking your pants off. So, it cancels it out."
Cody kicked his pants to the floor, leaning back and resting on his elbow. So far, with enough right answers, Ted had managed to take off all of his shirts, belt, shoes, bracelet, and one sock. All he had left was his boxers and Cody would be gloriously naked and he would FINALLY be able to get laid tonight.
So, no pressure.
"Okay, Ted. Sudden Death round. How do you change the names of your contacts?"
Ted's eyebrows crinkled, concentrating. He didn't know this answer per se, but with this stupid thing, when all else failed, click on it.
"Click on it?"
Cody shook his head, scooting towards him on the bed, grabbing his phone and pulling up his contact list. "Look Ted. How do you change people's names? How do you edit them?"
"...Double-click on it?"
Cody threw up his hands, chucking the phone somewhere behind him. "You click 'edit', Ted. Edit!"
Ted glanced over at the phone, the screen blinking into darkness as it went to sleep. "Oh. Well dang. Was that the last question?"
"It is for tonight," Cody sighed, laying back against the pillows. "I'm tired."
"Okay, then. Night, Cody."
Cody hummed in response, closing his eyes and pulling the sheets around himself.
"Does this mean we aren't gonna' fuck?"
Cody cracked one eye open, staring up at Ted who still sat on the edge. "Did you get the last question, right?"
Ted frowned, "No."
"Then no. Now go to sleep."
Cody had just begun to drift off into that wonderful between-land of asleep and awake when he felt something (more than likely someone) inching up his bare thigh underneath the blankets.
"Don't tell me," a kiss landed on his calf, "that you," his knee, "don't," his thigh, "want this."
"What I want is to go to sleep. Now if you don't stop, I'll-" Cody broke off into a half-strangled moan, his hands tightening in the sheets as Ted slowly licked up and down his cock.
He placed small teasing kisses up and down it before taking the head between his lips, tracing his tongue across the slit.
"Oh, f-fuck!" Cody barely had enough time to wonder when Ted had managed to take his underwear off before Ted had moved his mouth even lower, only stopping when pouty pink lips met the skin of his pelvis.
Cody pushed the blankets aside, revealing Ted's face, somehow smirking despite the cock currently choking him. "Oh, fuck. Ted."
Ted slowly pulled off, reaching up to slowly jack him, his lips glistening with saliva and precome.
"You were saying?"
It took him nearly a week of lessons before he managed to get Cody completely naked (without cheating). When he finally, FINALLY peeled off his boxers, you'd think Ted had just won the Superbowl, the NBA Finals and the main event of Wrestlemania all in one night.
He hadn't exactly mastered the thing yet, he was still learning after all, but he had made definite progress. And that was what really mattered, wasn't it?
have you made it to the gym yet?
nnnnnot yet. Where diddddd youuuu say it wasss agggain?
are you high? why are you typing like a tard?
the keyyyss arre sssstickinnnngg!'!
...You spilled Redbull on it again didn't you?...
hey. have u talked to my dad lately?
No? Should I?
Naaah its just that he keeps actin weird whenever i mention u. I was just wonderin if u told him about our thing...
I can't think of a reason id ever tell your dad we're screwing. But gimme a sec and i'll get back to you.
u don't hafta be rude about it...
i think he knows!$!'
Knows what? I'm trying to sleep!
my daddddd! he said i called him and told him we were doing it and then hung up but i don't remember that...he also said he didnt wanna talk about it...he sounded embarrasssed
Was this around the time you decided you wanted to tell me everything you were going to do to me before we had sex?
You're a dumbass.
what? whatd I do?
is there a way to stop my phone from butt-dialing?
You could try not having such a fat ass.
i dont know how id be able to fix that...
Dumbass. I'm going to sleep. Text me again, and I'll cut off your dick.
From: Teddy Prince Jr.
can i text you now?
How about we wait a little while, so I don't react violently the next time I see you?
From: Teddy Prince Jr.
hey! guess what! bryan showed me how to use these little faces when typing! look! :-)
Congrats Ted. Is there a reason you're texting me when I'm across the room from you?
Ted! I can see you! I'm looking at you right now.
...i just wanted to show you. :-(
Ok I get it. Good job. He show you anything else?
look! it looks like Randy!
Kill me now...
hey. just got out of the signing. you still at the gym?
Yeah, just left. Catching a ride back to the hotel with Randy. You still got the car?
yeah. bryan insisted on driving tho. said if i text you and drive id be endangering his well being or somethin
Yeah he'll do that.
...so...wanna have phone sex?
Whaaaattt? Now? There are people around Ted! Even I'm not that shameless.
well they can't see what were writing right?
Then that's not phone sex, that's sexting. And I'm pretty sure it's illegal. But what the hell. Sure.
k. u almost to the hotel?
Uh-huh. What about you, Teddy? Bet you're yelling at B to drive faster. Can't wait to get to me huh Teddy?
u know i can't. u know what u do to me codes
I know. You're always so eager for it baby. You want me so much right now, huh? You want it bad don't ya?
Uhhuh. real bad. think randy would mind if you sent a picture? i wanna see you code.
Show me yours I'll show you mine
Strike that. Randy says he'd kill us all. Don't worry about it. What are you gonna do to me Teddy? When we get to the hotel? I wanna know.
wouldn't even no where to start. want you so much. so crazy for u. at this point if you wanted to *CENSORED* me i wouldnt even say no
If I wanted to what?
*CENSORED* me. i swear i can already feel you. touchin on my *CENSORED* all soft like how you do. teasin me.
Ted, you aren't making any sense.
i know baby. u do that to me. make me so crazy. makes me so hard just thinking about you... *CENSORED*
Ted...I think there's something wrong with your phone.
Do me a favor. What was it you wanted me to do to you when we get back to the hotel?
...you're a dumbass.
Turn off your parental controls, Ted. Your phone is censoring you.
...how do i do that?
Did you fix it?
think so. hang on. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
It works. You can stop spamming me with fuck.
sorry. wanna try again?
Nah. Let's just wait till after the show...if you can sate your lust for me long enough ;)
did cody runnels just made a joke without insulting someone ? color me surprised
codes? u still awake?
Barely. What's up? Shouldn't you be asleep? We have to get up early tomorrow...today.
ill go to sleep in a bit, just wanted to tell ya good night. ((and if randy's snorin kick em in the ribs for me :P)
Haha. Will do. Night Teddy.
night codes. love u.
...Love you too.