Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters mentioned.
Blaine knew he used to live a lot in his head. But that was before Kurt. Before he had a stable relationshop. Before he had someone he knew he could talk to. Not this time, however.
Before Blaine had met Kurt, he used to keep to himself a lot. Safer that way. He didn't need to give anyone an excuse to ostracize him. Granted, that wouldn't happen at Dalton's. Not with their strict No Bullying policy. But after what happened at his old school, some habits are hard to break. Especially when those habits could save lives.
So this is how Blaine found himself one Wednesday evening. Alone. At his desk. Staring at his phone. At that text.
Love You 3
Normally, he would just smile and quickly text back, Loveyoutoo3, but he found that he couldn't. Not this time. Yes, he still loved Kurt, but he couldn't say it. Not. This. Time. And this fact just killed him inside. He laid the phone on his desk, unable to keep looking at it.
He needed something to do, so he decided to not make himself a liar and started cleaning his room. Not that it needed much, he kept it immaculate, and he wondered if Kurt would think anything weird about that or not, but it had been the first thing to pop into his head, besides the instant feeling of sadness edged with anger and he needed to do something because Kurt wasn't available to really talk and that's is honestly all he wanted to to.
Talk to Kurt.
Yet it was the one thing he that wouldn't happen. And he understood. Kurt had an audition the next day. EARLY the next day. And so he needed to prepare for it and get sleep. And Blaine didn't want to disturb him.
Would 5 mins of face time be that hard? It had only been 6 days they were apart so far. Blaine still in Ohio while Kurt was in New York auditioning. And auditioning. And auditioning. Which he completely understood. And supported.
Blaine was working himself up. Getting angry at Kurt for something that was completely unreasonable and silly and...and...and...he couldn't even think straight. All he knew was that he wasn't going to text. Not a single word. Not until he knew Kurt would be going to bed, then he would just say GoodNight like he always did and nothing more.
For the next hour, he managed to 'clean' his room. Clean being relative because it was already clean. He moved things from one place to the next and back again. And checking the alarm clock next to his bed. Then his watch because he couldn't believe how slow time was moving. Then his computer. They all read the same time. Then he started his routine up once again. And again. And again.
Good Night, Kurt
That was it. Nothing less. Nothing more.
A minute later
I'll probably be up another half-hour. I want to make sure this is perfect.
Of course. He needs everything perfect. And this managed to make Blaine even angrier. Because it messed up his plans. It messed everything up. And now he would have to pretend to be busy for even longer. And text again. And he was thinking too much. Wanting to apologize. But that wouldn't make sense. Kurt doesn't know about anything going on in his head. And it would stay that way. He couldn't afford to lose Kurt. He needed Kurt.
He needed Kurt.
And that's when it happened, he sent off a text to Kurt, with some sort of jumbled apology which he doesn't even really remember and doesn't really want to know how much sense he didn't make. This time it took Kurt 5 minutes to respond and during that entire time Blaine paced his room, from one extreme to the other and back again, his phone clutched tightly in his hand, checking every 5 seconds to make sure that he didn't miss anything.
You're not making any sense, Blaine
Of course I'm not! He thought to himself. I can't even understand what I'm thinking and I'm the person thinking the thoughts and even though they are mostly about you, because they always are, I don't understand why I am feeling this way and even if I do understand the feelings, I'm to scared to face the reality.
Too scared to face reality.
And that is where Blaine ended up. He was scared. He was scared of losing Kurt. New York was filled with millions of men. Men more attractive than Blaine. Men more experienced than Blaine. Men more perfect than Blaine.
I don't deserve you
He shot off to Kurt. He slumped down on his bed, head it hands, weighed down with the reality of this statement. Kurt was everything that he had ever dreamed of in a person. Kurt was the person Blaine dreamed of having, but never thought of in the realm of possibility. Then this boy shows up at his school, out of nowhere, captured his heart, body, and soul.
Don't be silly. I love you. I love being with you. That will NEVER change.
Blaine couldn't hold them back any more. Tears silently fell as he stared at that text. If anything this made his previous statement even more true. Kurt would always love him and be able to say it. Blaine would always love Kurt, but if today was any indication, he wouldn't always be able to say it. And what's the point in feeling it if he can't say it.
Like too many times before, Blaine put on a mask. Not a physical one, though the smile that shown under the tears could make that an invalid point. He hushed his inner demons, put them back from where they reared tonight, wiped the tears from his cheeks and pretended like those simple words fixed everything.
I love you too. Good Night, my love.
The words were easy to say, he had said them so many times before. He felt a tinge of regret as he pressed 'send', as the words were true in meaning, but not in feeling. But he wouldn't continue this, not tonight. He needed to make sure Kurt was alright. He didn't need to continue this useless conversation.
::I will never deserve you, but as you continue to remain blind to that fact, I will try and be happy. It's not your fault that I feel this way, it's mine. I fucked up this time, but not anymore.::
A/N: This was based off a recent experience of mine and I figured why not put my OTP through the same thing. How horrible of me. This was also an experience in sentence length. Using both very short and long, run-ons. So if you noticed, please let me know what you thought of it. It's purposeful and not accidental.
THANK YOU for reading, it really does mean the world to me.