a/n well, wasn't sure if I was going to get this out by X-Mass as promised, but in the end I persevered:) Hope you like it Tukiko K!
On a side note...did anyone see this week's anime filler? It's actually amazing filler; and not to spoil anything, but there is a total penis joke, and it is so fucking funny. OMFG. You have no idea. One word: ACORN!
Title: Best Birthday Present Ever!
Sum: Naruto gets laid, Sasu-face gets drunk, Kakashi is hit over the head with a frying pan, and Sakura gets the best birthday present ever! SasuSaku with a healthy dose of NaruHina. CRACKfluff prize fic for Tukiko K
Ok, enjoy- and happy happy holidays!
"Shut up numbskull," Sasuke snapped. "I'm not doing it, and that's final."
"You have to! TEME— Ow, what the hell was that for?" Naruto groaned as he rubbed his arm where Sasuke had just punched him.
"The answer—is no," Sasuke hissed at so-called friend before striding away. He prayed Naruto wouldn't follow.
But of course, despite Sasuke's fervent wishes, the dobe ran up beside him and yanked on his arm. Sasuke shot him a death glare, but Naruto ignored him and instead pleaded, "Sasukeeeee! You have to."
"I don't have to do anything, ass-wipe. Now get out of my face."
"Come on, what do I have to do to get you to do it?"
"Naruto," Sasuke ground out, stopping in his tracks and roughly slapping Naruto off of him, "I am not. I repeat. I am not! Going to kiss Sakura for her birthday!"
Naruto, seeing that he was getting nowhere with his surly compatriot, pouted and performed a series of hand-signs. "Sexy-no-jutsu!" Poof! In Naruto's place stood a scantily clad female, whose bosoms rivaled the proportions of Tsunade-sama's legendary chest.
"Naruto! PUT THAT AWAY!"
But Naruto merely pouted and leaned over, showing Sasuke an ample amount of cloud-covered cleavage. "But Sasu-keeeeeeee, I weally weally want you to—"
"NO!" Sasuke roared. Eyes closed, he funneled chakra into his legs and executed a round-house kick on the blond, whose infernal jutsu faded with a popping sound.
"Ooof. Sasuke, I thought you didn't like hitting women!"
"What, asshole?" he muttered as he picked himself up off the ground.
"You—are a man." Gods, Naruto was such an ass clown.
The trouble had started about two days ago. Sakura's birthday was coming up, and Naruto had no idea what to get her. Worst of all, he was flat out broke. So he took to eavesdropping on her and Ino in order to figure out the perfect—and most affordable—gift.
Apparently, all she wanted for her birthday was to suck face with Uchiha Sasuke. It was inexpensive and entertaining, at least as far as Naruto was concerned, and he wouldn't stop until Sasuke agreed that this was going to be the best birthday present ever.
Tch. As if.
"Naruto," Sasuke ground out as the dobe continued to follow on his heels like a lost puppy, "I thought you were in love with Sakura. Why…?"
"Heh, heh. About that. I actually started dating Hinata-chan!"
Sasuke blinked, not comprehending what he had just heard. "You—huh?"
"Wow Sasuke, apparently you don't have sharingan ears—"
"That doesn't make any damn sense—"
"But hells yeah, I'm dating Hinata-chan. Suck it."
Sasuke made a face. "What's a princess like Hinata doing with a loser like you?"
Naruto fluttered his eyelashes. "Obviously, she's sleeping with me. Are you, like, asking for the details?"
"NO! For the love of Kami—"
"Good, Sasuke teme, 'cause I ain't ganna tell you. Except for—"
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!"
Naruto stuck out his tongue. "Anyway. I bet you don't want to kiss Sakura-chan 'cause you're chicken."
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "As if. I find the whole thing revolting. And riling me up is not going to get me to do what you want. I'm not kissing Sakura."
"Of course you're not. 'Cause you're chicken. C-H-I-C-K-E—" Naruto was unable to complete the proper spelling of 'chicken,' as Sasuke pushed him face first into the dirt. Far from being perturbed, Naruto sprang back up like an inflatable punching bag and grinned cheekily at Sasuke. "Whahaha! You are totally nervous! Kami Sasuke, you're going to be the last dude to kiss someone in this whole damn village."
Sasuke stuck his nose in the air imperiously. "Tch. There's tons of girls who are dying to kiss me."
Naruto shrugged and fell into step with Sasuke. "That may be. But out of all the Rookie Nine, you, my friend, are dead last when it comes to kissing. Even Rock fucking Lee is hooking up with that hot civilian chick. I repeat, Rock fucking Lee, Konoha's self proclaimed Ugly, is getting booty. For fuck's sake, I'm not even a virgin—"
"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Sasuke shouted, his eyes bulging out of his head. He moved to swat Naruto, but the blonde stepped out of the way with ninja acuity.
"You are so jealous of my manliness," Naruto managed through his chortles.
"Naruto, I don't want to hear about your—"
"'Cause I doubt you could please a woman like I please Hinata—"
"NARUTO! SHUT YOUR FUCKING—"
"DAMN IT! SASUKE, GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!"
A brawl ensued between the so-called dobe and teme; a terrible cloud of dirt bloomed around them, obscuring the fight; but the sound of fists meeting flesh echoed throughout the dusty path outside of the training ground.
"Naruto-kun! Are you in there?" a shy female voice called. "Naruto-kun? O-Oh n-no! Byakugan!" Hinata, doujutsu activated, dove into the fray and extricated her boyfriend from the malicious hands of one, Uchiha Sasuke.
"Shame on you two!" she chided as she stood between the two violent friends. "It looks like you broke a r-rib, Naruto-kun! And I-I think your nose is broken, Uchiha-s-san!" Luckily, Hinata was quite good at medical jutsu, and with a shaky stutter, turned towards Naruto, her hands glowing with green healing chakra. "Let me h-h-help you."
"Thanks Hinata-babe," he murmured with a dreamy sigh as she put him back together. "I don't know what I would do without you."
Hinata blushed the color of ripe red apples. "Y-You were l-late for our d-date at Ichiraku's, and I was w-worried about you!" Hinata reprimanded gently.
Naruto apologized profusely, and as the dobe babbled sickeningly sweet nonsense to his girlfriend, Sasuke cringed. Unfortunately, the cringing upset his throbbing broken nose, which further worsened his horrible mood.
"Hyuga-san? Healing?" he demanded laconically.
Hinata squeaked. "Of c-c-course, Uchiha-s-s-san!" she chirped as she untangled herself from Naruto's clumsy hug and darted over.
"Thanks," he muttered gruffly as she channeled healing chakra into his broken face.
"N-No p-p-p-problem!" she stuttered. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she managed with less hesitation, "I'm a-afraid your nose is going to be a bit p-puffy though for the next few days…while the inflammation g-goes down. I'm s-so s-sorry!"
Sasuke's stomach fell into his shoes; so his face was going to be all purpled and puffy for Sakura's birthday. He couldn't kiss her looking like ass!
Wait. What? He wasn't going to kiss her at all! Why should he care if his nose looked like an elephant's trunk, or if it was as misshapen as a gnarled oak tree?
"Don't worry about it," he muttered to Hinata, having enjoyed the cool feel of her medical jutsu despite himself. "Thank you for taking the time to heal me."
"My p-p-pleasure, Uchiha-s-san. I apologize for any t-t-trouble I may have c-caused." It looked like she was about to say more, but Naruto grabbed her by the hand.
"Come on Hinata-chan! I owe you a date!"
Hinata merely blushed in reply, which made Naruto laugh. "Yo teme, don't forget— Sakura's birthday party is tomorrow! Don't be late, jackass! And don't forget her present!"
"Oh, and teme, one last thing. I hear Kakashi-sensei is working up the courage to ask Sakura-chan on a date! So. Better give her that present before he shows up! Since he's usually late, it shouldn't be too difficult for you to get there before him, you feel me? Later, jerk face."
"Later. Ass clown," Sasuke sputtered.
As the two shushined away, Sasuke felt his limbs trembling with rage; he unwittingly activated his sharingan.
Unfortunately, Kakashi-no-pervert would not be making it to Sakura's party tomorrow. He would be sure of that. One sharingan eye was no match for two.
"Where's Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura groaned as she ladled rum-laced punch into her plastic cup. "He promised he would come to my party; and he said he had a special gift for me!"
Naruto shrugged. Poor Kakashi-sensei; Naruto knew that their sensei had no interest in dating Sakura-chan, but Sasuke didn't need to know that little factoid. Not when Naruto needed to goad him into being a man. "I dunno Sakura," he replied nonchalantly as he poured himself a drink. With a sigh, he took another cup and filled it as well, for the teme. Sakura must have noticed how Naruto's eyes glanced at the corner of the room, where Uchiha Sasuke sat sulking in the shadows.
"What's Sasuke's problem?" Sakura muttered in an undertone. "He looks totally constipated or something. Is anything wrong?"
Naruto smiled, his pearly whites flashing with blinding light. "You know, just the usual Uchiha sulk. That's what this is for," Naruto replied, gesturing towards Sakura with the second cup of punch. "Here, pass the Everclear; I'm going to give this one an extra little kick. Can't have the bastard ruin your party with his brooding, hey?"
Sakura tittered at that. "Naruto-kun," she said in a mock-offended tone, "you still haven't given me my birthday present. You said it was going to be exactly what I wanted!"
"Don't get impatient Sakura-hime, you'll get it! All in good time."
Laughing, Naruto sauntered over the the sullen Uchiha. "Yo, teme, drink this. It will help you to not be a total stick in the mud."
"Hn." Sasuke's lips were pressed in a thin line; he reluctantly took the drink and commenced to chugging, until the syrupy beverage was gone. "How much alcohol was in there? It just tasted like saccharine crap to me," Sasuke groused.
"Oh, not that much, I think," Naruto lied. "So Sasuke. You going to do it?"
"Oh shit. That means yes, doesn't it! Because you didn't say no outright, so like—"
Sasuke gripped the arms of his chair, willing himself to refrain from putting Naruto in a coma at Sakura's birthday party; he was sure she wouldn't appreciate it. "More alcohol, ass-wipe. And make it strong this time."
Naruto's shit-eating grin split his face. "Aye, aye, captain!" he said with a mock salute.
About fifteen minutes later, Sasuke was more shit-faced drunk than he had ever been in his entire life. "Naruto," Sasuke managed through his hiccups, "I don't think I can walk straight."
"Hee hee, me 'neither buddy. Where y' wanna go?" the blond slurred.
Sasuke's face paled. "Take me to the birthday girl."
Slowly, slowly, the two teammates wove through Sakura's living-room, both leaning on each other for support.
"N-Naruto-kun, there you are!" Hinata gasped as she observed Naruto's red cheeks and nose. "Honey, I think you had too much to d-drink…"
Naruto smiled saucily. "Okay dokey buddy, yer on yer own a now," Naruto whispered to Sasuke before he threw his arms around Hinata. "Hinata-chan! My angel! You found me! I must be in heaven!"
Hinata giggled. "Naruto-kun, you're c-crushing me!"
Sasuke turned his eyes away from the nauseating display of affection; he tried to activate his sharingan, but that only made the room wobble more than it had before. Hastily deactivating his doujutsu, Sasuke stumbled over to an empty chair and held his head in his hands as the room began to spin.
Oh dear gods, it was Sakura; the sound of her voice made the room spin even more. Man up, Uchiha! Sasuke mentally chided himself. You're a mother fucking ninja! A mother! Fucking! NINJA! Act a little more suave, you fucking fuck fuck!
"Sasu-face, are you…okay?" Sakura continued, sitting down in the empty chair next to his.
Sasu-face took a deep breath. "Ah. I'm fine, Sakura. Chan. Happy birthday."
Sakura smiled genuinely at that; he didn't often call her Sakura-chan, but when he did use the more familiar honorific, it made her face light up like a fire katon brushing dry tinder. "Thanks, Sasuke-kun. Thanks for coming; I know you don't like parties."
Sasuke hiccuped, but despite the spasms of his diaphragm, he tried to look as dignified as possible. "It's my honor, Sakura-chan." He thought he might have been swaying a bit in his chair, but he wasn't entirely sure.
They sat for a moment in awkward silence; before Sakura could cook up an excuse to leave, Sasuke muttered, "I have a birthday present for you."
Sakura smiled. "You didn't have to get me anything, Sasuke-kun! That's sweet of you."
Sasuke's face flushed, though he hoped Sakura would write it off as an effect of the alcohol. "Er…it's a private kind of gift though. Maybe…outside?"
But before they could move, Naruto started banging the metal ladle from the punch bowl against a glass bottle of vodka. "Attention, attention everyone!"
"Pipe down, Uzumaki," Neji grunted, his arm around a giggling Tenten.
"Oh! A speech, a speech, that is most youthful indeed, Naruto-kun!" Lee wailed, a hot civilian girl sitting in his lap, her lipstick smeared all over the collar of Lee's green jumpsuit.
"Ok! Listen up kids! This year, I got Sakura, like, the very fucking best most awesom-est birthday present ever. And Sasuke is going to give it to her! Right, teme?"
The assorted drunken guests cheered.
The blush that had previously spread out across Sasuke's cheeks paled until his face was as bleached as Hinata's wide, white eyes. Oh dear Kami—NO! The room started to spin again, and it took all of Sasuke's concentration not to fall over. His heart felt like it was trying to pound its way out of his chest with a jackhammer. This—this was hell. And Naruto was a red demon with a flaming pitchfork, a shit-eating grin on his idiotic face as he stabbed Sasuke in the spleen.
"Well Sasu-face," Sakura called meekly, batting her eyelashes, "where's my present?"
Sasuke started to sweat; as he and Sakura stood, the room went quiet, and all eyes were fixed on them. Shit muffins.
"Come on teme, whip it out!" Naruto roared, the crowd shouting their agreement.
Sasuke took a deep breath, his cheeks blushing profusely once more. If he started yelling at the dobe, he wouldn't end up giving Sakura her present. And then eventually, Kakashi-sensei (no good fucking pervert) would take Sakura out for a date, and then they would get married and have kids, and Sasuke would be the last person in the village to ever kiss anyone— or maybe he wouldn't kiss anyone ever and he would just die old and alone in a house full of cats. And! The minute he keeled over and died, the cats would eat his face off, and when the undertaker found his body, his eyes and ears and nose would all be eaten by Fluffy, Mr. Mooks, and Tabby.
The great Uchiha Sasuke. Dying old and alone. Faceless. In a house full of cannibalistic cats.
Sasuke shuddered; he had read about this kind of thing in the paper, and he knew it was only too possible to be devoured by one's own (seemingly) cute, cuddly kittens. However flawed his drunken logic, it strengthened Sasuke's determination.
Come on Sasuke, man up. You don't want to die old and alone and eaten by mother fucking cats. Mother! Fucking! Man-eating! Cats! Do you? No, no you don't, you fucking bastard! Sasuke incoherently argued with himself. And just as Naruto was about to shout at him some more, Sasuke grabbed Sakura and kissed her with as much coordination as his inebriated state would allow.
He willed himself to tune out the cat-calling and concentrated on the task at hand. He hoped he wasn't leaving trails of drool on her chin, or otherwise making an ass of himself; and when he finally pulled away, he licked his lips. Hm. Cherry. She tastes like cherries, he mused dizzily.
Sakura looked up at him, a bit dazed. "Ah…thanks, I think. Although—if it's a present from two people, I think I should get two kisses." And with that, she went in for the kill: the minute he felt her lips crash on his, and her warm arms snaking around his trembling body, his knees turned into jelly.
Why hadn't he done this before?
This wasn't so bad. It was kind of…nice.
Just as they were in mid lip lock, the door to Sakura's apartment crashed open. "SASUKEEEE!" Kakashi-sensei roared. Bits of frayed rope clung to his jacket, and there was a livid, swollen bruise on the top of his head.
Sasuke pulled away from Sakura and blinked up at his sensei. Why was Kakashi so mad at him again? He couldn't seem to remember…
Then it hit him like a ton of bricks: he had definitely whapped Kakashi over the head with a frying pan, tied him up, and left him for dead in a fit of jealousy.
"Kakashi, I can explain—" Sasuke muttered weakly, though he had no idea how he would explain anything, least of all why he had assaulted one of Konoha's deadliest jonin. That might have been a gross oversight on his part; but Sasuke had been so fixated on taking preemptive revenge on Kakashi for possibly maybe taking Sakura out on a theoretical date…
"You," Kakashi seethed, his sharingan eye whirling, "are dead, my young, shit-faced prodigy."
"Deader than dead," Naruto called cheekily, not at all concerned that this was all his fault.
Shit. Sasuke was trapped. He was too drunk to run, too drunk to use his sharingan: and so he did the first thing that popped into this head.
"SEXY-NO-JUTSU!" Sasuke squeaked, though in his drunken haze, he forgot to include the cloud cover in the jutsu.
Afterwards, Sakura would say that this was the best birthday she ever had: not only did she get to hook up (and start dating) Sasu-face, but she had the satisfaction of watching their pervy sensei pass out from a nosebleed induced by Sasuke's very hot, very nude girly form. Oh the epic humor! Best of all, Ino had caught it all on film…
"And who says you are out of touch with your feminine side," Sakura later remarked on the one year anniversary of that fateful birthday, recalling the events that had brought them together. She sat across from Sasuke at a coffee shop, sipping green tea and looking as devious as a cat plotting to eat a canary. And Sasuke felt suspiciously like said canary.
Sasuke merely grimaced. "Hn."
Sakura tittered. "It was just so priceless when Kakashi passed out from your faux cleavage." She paused here, and a thoughtful look crept across her face. "You know Sasu, I wouldn't mind if you used that jutsu—with me. Because after all, how are you going to top your birthday present from last year?" she remarked slyly, fluttering her eyelids.
Sasuke opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it once again, before he passed out with a nosebleed in the middle of the cafe.
Sakura smirked. "Best birthday present ever."
a/n lol, hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it!
Let me know what you think via your festive holiday review ;)