Threadbare South Park
Episode #111: "Hedgehog"
NOTE: I do not own South Park, but I wish I did. This piece is written in the form of a script. It includes the original character Charlie Pierzynski. It's rated T for language and violence. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled.
Contains some of the lyrics to "Walk the Line" by Johnny Cash.
Part 1. The Thing
[Scenes in brackets and italics are viewed from the perspective of the Creature. Scenes only in italics are normal descriptions.]
ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARESP...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.
[The scene opens in the perspective of a strange creature that's close to the ground. Its vision is mostly green, and it's heat sensitive. It is travelling on the ground by a park and baseball diamond. It scuttles between bushes on the opposite side of the fence around the baseball field. Its vision focuses on five figures (seen as thermal images) playing at the baseball field. It then focuses specifically on the figure at home plate, about to bat.]
Stan is getting ready to bat.
Stan (in a low, dramatic voice): It's the bottom of the ninth. The bases are loaded. With two outs and three points down, this may be the single most important play of Stan Marsh's career.
Cartman is standing behind him, wearing a catcher's mask. Stan wears a blue T-shirt and Cartman wears a white one, as the weather is relatively warm. The ground only has small patches of snow on it. The boys still wear their hats.
Cartman: Can you speed this up?
Kyle stands at the pitcher's mound, wearing a green T-shirt (and hat). Kenny (still in his parka) is in left field, and Charlie is in right field. She wears a teal shirt and her hat.
Kyle: Yeah, come on, Stan!
Stan: I'm almost ready! [He uses the same dramatic voice as before.] He steps to the plate. His entire career hinges on this mom—
Kyle pitches the ball. It flies past Stan. Cartman catches it.
Stan: Damn it! I wasn't ready yet!
Cartman throws the ball back to Kyle.
Kyle: I know.
Stan (looking annoyed, but using the same low voice): His entire career hinges on this moment. He focuses all his energy. He must… be the ball. [He yells to Kyle.] Okay, I'm ready now!
Kyle pitches the ball again. Stan swings and hits a foul ball over the fence on Charlie's side.
Cartman: Foul! Foul!
Stan: I know it was a foul!
Charlie: I'll get it!
She runs up to the fence and starts climbing over it.
[A figure (Charlie) climbs down to the same side of the fence as the creature. She starts looking through the bushes. The creature moves closer to her as suspenseful music plays.]
Stan: Do you see it?
Charlie: Not yet!
[The creature is in a bush just beside Charlie as she spots the ball and picks it up. Charlie is about to walk away when she looks down at the creature. She appears startled as the suspenseful music reaches its climax.]
Charlie walks up to the baseball diamond.
Kyle: Did you find the ball?
Charlie: Yeah. [She tosses him the ball.] But look what else I found!
The boys walk up to her as she displays a small hedgehog with large eyes.
Kenny: (What is it?)
Charlie: I don't know.
Kyle: It's a hedgehog.
Charlie: Aw, cool! Isn't it cute?
Stan looks at the hedgehog. The hedgehog stares directly at him with large, unblinking eyes.
Stan: It's kind of creepy.
Charlie: How is it creepy?
Cartman: Yeah, it just looks kind of stupid.
The hedgehog continues to stare directly at Stan.
Stan: I dunno; it just is.
Charlie: Do you think your parents would let me keep him?
Stan: Why would you want to keep him?
Charlie: Because he's cute. And I think he likes me.
It continues staring directly at Stan. Stan turns to the side and looks away from it. After a few moments, he glances at the hedgehog again. It is still staring at him.
Kyle: Well, come on! Are we going to play, or what?
Charlie: I think I want to go home and ask Mrs. Marsh if I can keep the hedgehog. I'll see you guys later.
Charlie walks away with the hedgehog.
Kyle: Aw, we can't play baseball with just four guys. It was hard enough with five of us.
Stan: Seriously, did any of you guys think there was something wrong with that thing?
Kyle: What, the hedgehog?
Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny glance at each other.
Cartman: Seriously, you need to relax, dude. [He sighs and takes off his catcher's mitt.] Well, I'd best be on my way. I'm expecting a very special delivery today.
Kenny: (What is it?)
Cartman: I can't tell you guys until it arrives. So screw you guys, I'm going home.
Kyle (annoyed): Come on, Cartman.
Cartman: No. Screw you guys; home.
He walks away. The other three stare after him.
Stan: What an asshole.
Awhile later, Stan comes home. He finds Sharon in the kitchen, cutting up some vegetables.
Sharon: Yes, dear?
Stan: Did Charlie ask you about keeping a hedgehog?
Sharon: Oh, yes, she did. I told her she could keep it in the old hutch in the backyard.
Stan (startled): What?
Sharon: It looked harmless enough, and Charlie seemed to like it a lot.
Stan (walking out of the kitchen): Great.
He looks out the window into the backyard. Charlie is painting the hutch green and appears to be singing to herself. The hedgehog is sitting on the ground a few feet away from her. It is staring at her. After a moment, it begins to stare at Stan through the window.
Stan (to himself): It's just a hedgehog. It's just a stupid hedgehog.
He goes out the backdoor. Charlie is singing "Walk the Line" loudly.
Charlie (singing in a vaguely Southern accent): "I keep a close watch on this heart of mine! I keep my eyes wide open all the time!" [Stan stands on the back stoop, staring at her strangely. She doesn't notice him.] "I keep the ends out for the tie that binds! Because you're mine, I walk the line!" [She sees him.] Oh, hey Stan. Do you want to help me paint Binky's hutch?
Charlie: Yeah, isn't that a cute name?
Charlie glares at him, then resumes painting.
Charlie (singing): "I find it very, very easy to be true!" [We get a close up of Binky, who is staring at Stan without blinking.] "I find myself alone when each day is through!" [We get a close up of Stan, who is staring back at Binky apprehensively.] "I must admit that I'm a fool for you!" [We see Binky again.] "Because you're mine, I walk the line!"
Stan walks back into the house.
Charlie: Hey, Stan. I—
She looks over and only sees Binky. He stares at her without blinking. She smiles and walks over to him. She crouches down and pats him on the head.
Charlie: Aren't you the cutest little thing? We're gonna have so much fun together.
Later that day at the Broflovski house, the phone rings. Kyle picks it up.
Cartman (using a video game controller as he talks): Hey, Kyle. Guess what I just got?
Kyle: Ass reduction surgery?
Cartman: Nope. I just got the new GameStation 3X!
Kyle: You liar. That's not coming out for, like, two months.
Cartman: In the United States, maybe, but I got my super-cool GameStation 3X preordered from Japan, so I get it early! I was just calling to tell you about my new super-awesome GameStation 3X and let you know that you and Stan can't play it, because I hate you guys.
Kyle: You suck, Cartman.
Cartman: The graphics on this thing are so awesome. Right now I'm playing with Kenny, Clyde, and little Becca Pierzynski. Say hi to Kyle, everybody!
Clyde is on one side of Cartman on the couch and Butters is on the other. Kenny and Becca sit on the floor. Clyde, Kenny, and Becca are also holding controllers and appear to be highly focused on the game.
Clyde, Kenny, Butters, and Becca: Hi Kyle.
Cartman: So anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you and Stan can't play on my super-fun GameStation 3X, and I hate you guys. Oh, and your girlfriend. She can't play either.
Kyle: Shut up, fat-ass. I don't have a girlfriend.
Cartman: Kyle and Charlie sittin' in a tree.
Cartman: First comes love, then comes marriage, then come ugly little Jewish babies in the baby carriage!
Kyle hangs up angrily. Cartman listens to the dial tone for a moment, then hangs up, looking satisfied.
Becca: You spelled "kissing" wrong, Kenny.
Butters: Could I have a turn next, Eric?
Cartman: No, Butters.
Up in his room, Stan watches Charlie and Binky out the window. Charlie is still painting the hutch and singing. Binky is staring at her. Then he stares up at Stan again. Stan looks scared. He ducks down a bit. Behind him, Kyle walks into the room.
Kyle: Hey Stan.
Stan yelps and turns around.
Stan: Oh. It's just you.
Kyle: Cartman's a big fat asshole.
Kyle Did he call to tell you he got the new GameStation 3X? And that we're not allowed to play it?
Stan glances at the window, then back at Kyle, obviously distracted. Kyle looks slightly irritated.
Kyle: Doesn't that piss you off?
Stan: Yeah, I guess.
Kyle: What's wrong?
He looks out the window again. Kyle walks up to the window and stands next to him. Kyle looks outside and sees Charlie and the hedgehog. He glances questioningly at Stan.
Kyle: You're really freaked out by that hedgehog, aren't you?
Kyle: Good, because it's just a dumb hedgehog. It doesn't do anything.
Stan: I know.
He keeps looking at Binky through the window. Kyle looks at Stan, then at Binky, then back at Stan.
Kyle: We just need to distract you for a little while. C'mon, let's go play X-Box. We'll show that fat-ass that we don't need a stupid GameStation 3X.
Stan, Kyle, and Charlie sit on the couch at the Marshes' house with X-Box controllers in their hands. They appear to be intensely focused on the game.
Charlie: Wha—No! No, oh, crap!
Kyle: Ha! Killed you again!
Charlie (tossing down her controller): This game sucks.
Stan and Kyle both laugh.
Stan: Girls suck at first-person shooter games.
Kyle: Yeah, I know.
Charlie: Hey! I can kick your asses at MarioKart!
Stan: First of all, that's exactly what I was talking about. And second, no, you can't.
Charlie walks out of the room, scowling. The boys keep playing their game.
Stan: The only game I've ever seen Charlie win was Candyland, and I'm pretty sure she cheated.
Kyle: I think she beat me at checkers once. [He pauses.] No, wait, never mind.
They continue playing their video game in silence for a little bit. Charlie comes back. She's holding Binky.
Stan: Hey, what'd you bring that thing in the house for?
Kyle: You'd better take your two-pound hedgehog back outside, Charlie. Stan's scared of it.
Stan: No I'm not!
Stan looks over at the hedgehog. Binky stares at him. Stan is momentarily distracted from the video game.
Kyle: Yes! I win!
Stan: Hey, no fair! I want a rematch!
Kyle: Bring it.
Charlie puts down Binky and sits on the couch with her controller as the game starts up again. Binky looks up at the kids. Then he stares at the X-Box. His eyes grow larger and begin to glow, but none of the kids notice.
Stan: I'm gonna kick your ass this time, Kyle.
Kyle: No way.
Binky begins to vibrate as his eyes glow even more brightly. At last, the X-Box explodes in a blast of sparks. The kids all scream. Then they stare at the black burn where the X-Box once sat. Binky now stares at the kids, looking normal again.
Stan: My… my X-Box! No! Not my X-Box!
Charlie: How was that even possible?
Stan: I don't know, but I think you'd better take that thing back outside.
Kyle and Charlie both stare at Stan oddly.
Charlie: Are you talking about the hedgehog?
Stan looks at them, nervous and embarrassed.
Kyle: …You honestly think that a tiny little hedgehog could make an X-Box explode. Just by sitting there.
Charlie glances at Binky, then back at Stan.
Charlie: I guess I'll take him back outside if he scares you that much.
She gets up and picks up Binky. She walks out of the room.
Stan: [Yelling after her] I'm not scared of him! He's just a stupid little hedgehog! [More quietly, to himself] There's nothing scary about a hedgehog.
Kyle: You know what I think? I think Cartman had something to do with this.
Stan: What? Why?
Kyle: He wants us to be more pissed off that we can't play his stupid new GameStation. I bet he knows we won't really care as long as we can play our own games.
Stan: You really think that Cartman figured out a way to get my X-Box to explode for no apparent reason? That sounds kind of stupid, Kyle.
Kyle: Hey, you're the one who thinks the hedgehog did it.