Disclaimer: Yu don't own I-Gi-Oh!

Greetings! It's time for episode 4, and already, we're using a character that's already had a chapter! This means I'm already running out of material, so you guys better cherish what you're getting, because this well's a-runnin' dry. Today's foray into the dark side of stupidity is a pairing where both characters think exactly the opposite from each other. It's like opposites attract, only the opposites are Tea Gardner and Seto Kaiba, so it's the equivalent of a giraffe and a squirrel falling in love. In other words, enjoy.

"You may enter."

Tea Gardner gently opened the giant fuck-off door to Seto Kaiba's study, where he spent half of his time working and the other- no, he pretty much spent all of his time modeling trench coats. You don't get to wear outfits that fabulous (not to mention floaty) without it cutting into your workload. Anyway, she entered and immediately tripped. Fortunately, she was caught by none other than Prince Cha- err, Kaiba. Same difference.

"Uhh…" Tea was never sure what to say to Kaiba when she saw him, especially when her useless paperweight feet betrayed her at most embarrassing times. It's probably also because she's a fucking idiot, but there was a certain air to the young CEO that made him difficult to approach. Maybe it was his piercing blue eyes. Or his clothing, which almost managed to out-do Yami's with how angular it was. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the "fuck off" sign he had tattooed on his forehead. Either way, it made Tea trip, and Kaiba had to catch her yet again.

"Well, Gardner. It's payday again. I suppose you're going to want money," Kaiba sighed in exasperation. To be fair, Kaiba's not just this way with Tea; the guy just really hates paying his employees. Seto Kaiba is such a tight-ass, he can't shit without the jaws of life, three paramedics, and an exorcist. Any doctor that has ever tried to check his prostate ended up with nine fingers by the day's end. But, let's save the details for his next yaoi sex scene.

"If you don't mind," Tea said right back. "I wasn't able to pay my rent two weeks ago with a bag of old cards." The energy shifted in the room because of her comment, and she nearly fell. Fortunately, Kaiba caught her.

As much as the guy got on her nerves, she had slowly fallen for him in the time she had been Mokuba's babysitter. Why the fuck Mokuba needed a babysitter at age 11 in a mansion full of armed guards is anyone's guess, but questioning Kaiba logic… why, that's like questioning organized religion. Anyway, her deep feelings of loathing for the elder Kaiba brother had become infatuation- she had seen a whole other side of him these days. For example, uh… hrm, wait- wait, let me uh… think for a sec- oh yeah, one time he tipped at a restaurant. That happened. And it was so compassionate, befitting of a warm-hearted individual such as Seto Kaiba.

On Kaiba's end, the feelings were much unreciprocated. He didn't see her except on payday, and the only time he thought about her was in the context of how he was going to rip his employees off instead of paying them. He would stay up in his study for long nights, stuck in the Gendo pose for hours on end, contemplating what he was going to do to weasel out of providing meager restitution in exchange for putting up with his bullshit. But tonight, he had nothing, so pay he would. And in the process of getting the paycheck out of his desk, he knocked pretty much everything in his study over with his floaty trench coat. Including Tea, who he once again had to catch.

"Why do you want to be a dancer, anyway?" Kaiba asked, running out of patience. "You've tripped four times since you stepped into my office."

"It's my dream! If I wish hard enough, I know it'll come true!" In reality, Tea was not at all a clumsy girl, unless she was in the presence of a delicious piece of man-meat such as… Seto Kaiba.

"Whatever. Here," Kaiba said tersely right before throwing an envelope Frisbee-style right at Tea Gardner's fucking head. Unfortunately, our stoic CEO failed to mention that the envelope was as sharp and deadly as a Duel Monsters card, so the real urgency was lost on Ms. Gardner until it was too late- it narrowly missed her neck and sliced off a big lock of her hair. Unbelievably, she didn't lose her balance.

"EEEK!" Tea belted out a screech that could almost have shattered the glass frames of the pictures hung up in the study. "You asshole, what was that?!"

Kaiba made no attempt to stifle a mocking gut laugh. "My apologies. I guess I just don't know my own strength. I think you look better with that haircut."

He didn't realize it, but when Tea turned to grab the envelope that had jammed itself in the wall behind her, she was blushing madly. Her crush just complimented his own hackjob he performed on her hair! Wow, maybe he did it on purpose! Meanwhile, behind her, Kaiba was fiddling about with one of the belt-thingies tied around the long sleeves of his black undershirt. God, he loved his fashion sense.

"Well, if you don't mind, I'm going to leave," she said quickly, trying to get out before Kaiba noticed her face was as red as a dog's dick dipped in ketchup. Try saying "dog's dick dipped" five time really fast. Even if you're in public. Especially if you're in public.

"Hold it, Gardner."

Goddamnit, Tea thought as she stopped with her hand on the doorknob. She just wanted to get out of that room before she embarrassed herself further. She was afraid that if she hung out in there for too long, she might do something really humiliating, like threaten to blow up an island and kill a bunch of people over losing a card game against a 5,000-year-old Pharaoh's spirit she didn't believe in, even though she'd personally fucking seen him do magic. Oops, she tripped.

"Gardner, I expect you to apologize for calling me an asshole," Kaiba tersely said. Tea just rolled her eyes- this guy built a series of death traps just to kill her and her friends, but he was going to act all thin-skinned over an offhand insult? It's almost as if this guy wouldn't be worth even giving a second glance were it not for the fact that he was gorgeous and rich.

"Sorry," she said resignedly. This job was important enough for her to swallow her pride. Where else was she going to make an extravagant amount of money in this economy? At least, when he did pay her.

"Look up at me, Gardner."

She did, and he finally took notice of her nearly maroon-colored complexion. He almost ducked under his desk, afraid her head was going to explode like Mike Dawson's mother.

"I think I'm coming down with a fever," Tea said in a low voice.

Kaiba's eyes widened. "Okay, get the hell out of my office! I can't afford to get sick with your cooties!" He really couldn't either- he was to model a sky-blue trench coat in about an hour, he had no time for cooties.

As Tea closed the door behind her, she reminisced about the meeting she just had with her boss. The way he stopped her from falling down like an idiot, the way he spat out her last name like it was earthworm jizz… someday, she vowed, someday she would marry that man.

Then she fell down Kaiba's massive staircase and died.

THE END