Don't You Remember- BellaClary
Bella & Mike are getting married in two days but she can't let go of her past and the secrets within it. What happens when someone comes back for one last dance? AH, AU, Lemons, Rated M
When will I see you again?
You left with no good bye, not a single word was said
No final kiss to seal anything
I had no idea of the state we were in
A/N:Hi everyone! This idea popped into my head and I couldn't let it go. I started writing it and well, here we are. I really hope you enjoy it, my summary doesn't do it justice, trust me on that. There is a lot more to this fic than just a dance!
I went to the bathroom fifteen minutes ago just to get away from everyone. They'll be wondering where I am soon. They will think that I'm having wedding jitters, cold feet, whatever you want to call it. I am, but not for the reasons that they think. My reasons were darker, scarier secrets that I'd never tell. Secret's I've kept locked inside for years.
My sister, Alice, had fixed my hair into long dark curls and they were already all over the place. I look at myself in the mirror and try running my fingers through it to fix it. I end up just making it messier. She had also planned out my outfit for tonight, black heels that make me at least four inches taller than I already am and a small white, strapless cocktail dress. I suppose it was to help signify that I'm the bride, that I'm the one getting married in two days. As if it wasn't already obvious. I didn't even want to come tonight. I mean, rehearsal dinners are supposed to be happy and carefree, its the last get together with friends and family before you're married. It's the last party before the big day. The big day that means you're taken forever. I hope I was choosing the right one to be my forever.
We met one year after my college graduation. I was starting a new job in Seattle, I grew fond of the big cities after going to school in Portland. I knew the second we met that we just fit together. I had been at the coffee shop picking up a latte for my boss, we exchanged some small talk before he asked for my number. I had given it to him without concern. I probably should have warned him then, how broken I was. It's not like I wanted to be, I just couldn't help it. I tried to forget my past, let it blow away with the wind. Although, it didn't always work. Since everything had happened I didn't try to approach anyone, I didn't try to date. I was alone and I didn't mind being alone. I always told myself that I could just get a cat if I got too lonely. That must be why I was so enthralled by his presence. Immediately I noticed that I wasn't nervous around him, like I was with others. He made me feel comfortable and at ease instantly.
That's how it's supposed to be, right?
Michael and I were supposed to be together.
I've always thought that being with him would make me forget the past. I've always loved that whenever I'm with him my heart feels a little better, mended. Its like Mike is a small band aid over a large wound though, he tries to help but it's not enough. There are so many times I feel the mending tear and the pain shoots through me like lightning. I hate those times .
Those times make me feel helpless, scared and lonely. I feel like I have no one who can understand what I'm going through. The one person I feel could help me is gone, I have no idea where they went, they just vanished. Vanished and never returned for me, for us.
I try to hide that side of me from him, the side that can't recover. He would still notice and try to help. To try to talk me through those horrid moments where I curl into myself but it never worked. I am usually so caught up in keeping myself from a mental break down that nothing can tear me out of it. When my heart feels like it's being ripped apart I don't want comfort, I just want to disappear. I want to vanish just like hedid.
I also thought being with him would stop my nightmares. I was wrong. I thought that he would be able to take away the hate and fear buried beneath me. So many nights of my life have been spent awake because of dreams that won't go away. Nights of waking up screaming for things I don't have, things I've lost. When I was alone I would either stay awake and read or just cry myself to sleep. Either way I became like a zombie. Mike didn't know what to do at first, he would hesitate to fall asleep knowing I was wide awake even when I told him to go back to bed. The nights he would wake up to me screaming we worse. He didn't know why I couldn't just let it all go and I couldn't explain it.
Now, he just lets me be. I'm the only one that knows what happened, I think. There are parts I'm not sure about. Parts that have deteriorated in my mind through the years. I'll probably never know the entire story either. I've long since lost the ones who could put the puzzle pieces together. I haven't decided if that's a bad thing or not. This is the only way I let myself think of it, without any details. If I get into the details I could lose myself in them, I've done it before.
I've always kept those thoughts hidden, locked away with the key thrown away. It never works for very long though.
I was glad when Mike finally stopped trying, as bad as that sounds. I hated having to tell him I can't explain. Tell him I wasn't going to tell him the details, watching his eyes grow angry as I spoke. He wanted to know, he wanted to hurt those who had hurt me. I didn't want that though. I just wanted to close off my mind long enough to appreciate my life before it was too late. Now he never bothers me about my past, even though I know he'd like to. I'm grateful for that. He always said he wished he could have met me then, saved me from it all. As crazy as it sounds, I don't know if I would have wanted him to. The pain keeps everything real, everyone real. I need the pain, I can't forget.
I should go back out there. I should be the happiest girl in the world right now, marrying my best friend. Mike will be a good husband. He treats me right, always making sure I have the best. He never forgets to kiss me goodnight or tell me he loves me before he leaves for work. He never lets me pay for anything and always holds the door open. He has a great job that pays well and he loves it. He already had an amazing house when I met him that I've now moved into. I know that's materialistic to think about but I feel its important. I'll always have someone who will believe me, no matter what. Someone who will stick around through better or worse. I'm going to be in a better place in my life. I'll be safe. He will always love me, cherish me.
I wouldn't say we have the kind of love that makes everything else irrelevant. I always thought I'd end up with that. The love that consumes your heart, mind and soul. Though, I think we have the love that's comfortable and easy. The one you just go with because it makes sense to do so.
I walk out of the bathroom and scan my eyes around the party. I see Mike immediately, his blonde hair shining, his dark suit, his face cleanly shaven. He's very handsome, I know I'm lucky. He is such a good host, what would I have done without him? I'm over in the bathroom sulking and being depressed while he's talking to all my aunts and uncles, people I haven't really spoken to tonight. I should, but I can't muster the motivation to do it. The smile on their faces tell me they love him, they are happy for me. They know that I've found a man who will protect me and love me forever.
Why can't I just be happy with that? Why do my memories of the past need to come and haunt the amazing future I could have?
I think about going over and joining him but decide against it, I still need some time alone. I don't want him to see the heartbreak on my face and mistake it for apprehension. I wander around the outskirts of the room looking at everyone. I see Esme and Carlisle and they are whispering in each other's ears. They always look so in love, no matter what they are doing.
They have that life consuming love, the soul mate, never can be without the other love. Maybe Mike and I will grow into that?
I stop at the hors d'oeuvres table and nibble on crackers. I haven't been eating much all week because of my nerves. I know I should eat something. The hotel we're at has incredible food and yet nothing looks appetizing. I had thrown up in the bathroom a few times and my stomach hasn't calmed down yet, I still feel sick. How can this be happening? Its almost my wedding, only two nights away, and my entire subconscious is going over old memories and reliving old feelings. Yes, it does happen often but in the past month or two I've been so much better at repressing them. Making sure Mike knows that I am serious about marrying him. I've been trying to stay focused. I can't focus though. I don't want to admit it to myself but I've been drowning in memories of him.
No, stop. I refuse to let myself think of him.
I need to snap out of this, I need to get back to the party and be the happy bride. I look back over at Carlisle and Esmes table and I don't see them. I scan my eyes around the party and find them snuggled on the dance floor, as close as they can get to each other. The pain in my chest grows stronger and I look away. I love them and I love spending time with them but when I see them, I think of him. I think of everything that we had and everything that we lost. I think of how I invited him tonight and to my wedding and how I got no response.
I refuse to let myself wonder why he didn't come, why he didn't even RSVP saying No, sorry I cant come.He sent nothing. It didn't surprise me though because deep down, I wasn't expecting anything. No, that's a lie. I guess somewhere in me I really did think he'd at least respond, give me something to work my mind around. When you have nothing to go on, anything can make it better.
"How's the bride to be?" I jumped and turned around to see Rosalie Hale, one of my best friends, standing beside me.
"Just getting some food." I raise my cracker, barely nibbled on up to my face and I try to sound upbeat, I try. I fail miserably.
"Nothing, I'm just stressed out I guess. Lots to do tomorrow." Excuses. Lies. She reads right through them but says nothing.
"Go dance with Mike, it will make you feel better." She's genuinely trying to help me and I know that, but it doesn't help. It makes me feel worse.
"I cant." I made it up. I didn't care that I was lying to her. I didn't want to see Mike right now. "Mike is over there dancing with my aunt or something." I covered my tracks as best I could but it was another lie. Maybe he was dancing with her, I didn't know.
"Alright well I'm going to go attack that hot groomsman over there. He's going to ask me to dance."
"Emmett? That's Mike's best man. Did he ask you?"
"He's about to." She winked at me before turning around and walking straight towards him. I saw his eyes grow large as he realized she was heading for him. Rosalie was blonde, tall and absolutely beautiful. I watched as he immediately stood up and took her hand, leading her towards the dance floor. Emmett was Mike's friend since they were young, he looked rough but he was a sweet guy. I'm sure Rose and his dance would be more than that. She always knew how to get her way. I turned back to the food after watching them for a moment and finished eating my cracker, lost in my own head. I grab another cracker and take a larger bite.
"I'm not dancing with anyone. Does that mean I can steal you away for a few minutes?"
I almost choke on the cracker in my mouth. I barely get it down before the urge to throw up hits me. That's not possible. That voice isn't here. That voice is one I haven't heard in years, one that I didn't realize how much I missed until this deep and silky and just as I remembered it.
I've been strictly making myself try to forget him. It's never worked. Even tonight he keeps coming up, popping in just to mess with my thoughts. Now he's here? Its impossible. He didn't RSVP. He never tries to contact me. I haven't heard from him in years. This isn't real.
My heart is pounding, I can hear it so clearly that I'm sure he can. The sharp pain that has been coursing through my body is gone. Only to be replaced with nerves and butterflies.
I am never nervous around Mike. I'm stronger and more outgoing in our relationship. There's only been a few things he's been demanding about, Edward is one of those things. He'd only ever seen a few pictures of Edward because I had them in my apartment when we first started dating. Once he knew we had history, he made me take them down. It killed me the day I had to pack those pictures away. He had told me to throw them away, I didn't need them anymore. I told him I had thrown them away, I didn't.
I don't turn around, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that if I move this won't be real. The familiar smell of cigarettes, beer and laundry. I love that smell and hate it all at the same time. It shouldn't be familiar anymore, I haven't seen him in over five years.
I don't know what to do. Is this real? Am I delirious? I've been having what could be construed as a panic attack inside my head for the past half hour. Maybe my sub conscious is bringing this hallucinatory Edward to me because of it? Because I've never stopped thinking of him? Because I've never gotten over him or us? I can feel the electricity running between us, something we always had. It feels like something is pulling us together, keeping us aware of each other's every move.
I'm hallucinating, I have to be. This can't be real. It's not happening, its my brain telling me that I cant stop thinking of him. I haven't been able to stop thinking of him since he left. Its just me losing my mind. I've slowly been doing that for years, it was bound to catch up to me.
Its anything but the fact that he's actually here, because I don't know what I'll do if he is really standing behind me.
I just need a confirmation that I'm dreaming, that he's a ghost. Maybe I should reach out and touch him? Talk to him and see if he talks back?
"Isabella?" I still don't move. No one has called me Isabella in years. He's the only one that calls me my full name. I hate that I still love how it rolls of his tongue. I can picture his mouth as he says it. The way his lips curl and his tongue moves. His lips used to be so soft.
If he isn't real then I should be able to make him disappear. He can't be here. It's my rehearsal dinner and my fiancé is in the same room as us.
Even thinking about Edward when I'm with Mike makes me feel guilty.
The problem isn't that I feel guilty though, its why I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I feel like I'm cheating on Edward, with Mike. I feel like I'm betraying him every single second of every day. Every time Mike touches me, I wish it was Edward. When he kisses me, its not his lips I dream of. Our intimate moments have been ruined in my head because of Edward. When we have sex, it means nothing to me. I'm not one of those girls that just lays there but if he heard the thoughts in my head while we're that intimate, he'd leave me. I shouldn't even feel like this though. Edward shouldn't have this much control over me or my mind. He left me.
I can't stop my feelings for him though, no matter how hard I try it never stops.
Its not that I don't care about Mike. I do. I wouldn't be marrying him if I didn't. Hes always there for me and he's become my best friend. My head is what's guiding me now but my heart was claimed a long time ago. He has pieces of me but he'll never have all of me.
Because of Edward.
I can still feel him behind me. Why hasn't my subconscious made him disappear yet? Maybe I need to distract myself with something. I reach over and grab a grape from the fruit platter and eat it quickly. There. I did something that wasn't thinking about him.
As much as I want think only good thought I have to remember, he has hurt me. I keep forgetting that. I need to focus. He's hurt me. He left me.
He touches my back as he moves to stand beside me, my breathing hitches at the contact. I'm not hallucinating. This is all real, he is really standing behind me. His hand is really against me. What do I do now?
I had always thought I'd be prepared for the moment I'd see him again, that I'd have some witty remark or epic monologue of anger and betrayal to say. I have nothing. Oh and if he only knew how much I've craved his touch. I wish so badly he was touching my skin instead of this damn dress. I shouldn't wish that. I'm engaged. I shouldn't even be thinking about him like that. I can't stop.
I keep my eyes on the crackers in front of me. I can't look at him.
I know the moment I look into those eyes, I'll be lost.
A little voice in the back of my head reminds me again that I'm getting married in two days, that my fiancé is in the room. I shove it in the corner and focus on his hand on my back.
I can feel each of his finger tips pressing against me, they're so long. I can feel the warmth of his palm against me and the slight touch of his wrist to my waist. I take a deep breath of him, letting myself memorize it. He can't really be here, can he?
"Please," I feel his breath hitting my ear, its hot and yet I shiver in response. His voice is lower and sexier as he whispers, his mouth so close to my ear. "Dance with me?"
I can't focus though because he's still there. I can feel him beside me. I can feel the electricity radiating from his body to mine. I swear if I looked between us I would be able to see the currents going back and forth, pulling us together.
I turn my head to my right slightly, that's where he is. I look down the table and I can see his hand is only a foot away from mine, fingers barely touching the table. I swallow hard and do what I know will prove to me if I'm going clinically insane or if I'm about to have another panic attack.
I reach out and grab his hand.
My whole body shutters from the contact as I feel our connection and my heart squeezes. I feel him exhale hard, as if he was holding his breath. His hands are warm and soft and real. Which means he's real and he's here. I intertwine my fingers and bring it closer to my face, inspecting them, memorizing them. He's really here.
A/N:Can you feel the tension?