A/N: Thanks to Melmo2632 from StrictlyRobsten I have a webpage for my fanfic's! Exciting, huh? Check it out: bellaclary . wordpress . com - Go there to find teasers, soundtracks, edits, dream casts and more!
Song: Low by Kelly Clarkson
"Alice, I really don't feel like eating." I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to get todays wedding preparations over with and go back to bed. Just sleep until I have to say I do.
"We're only going to the diner, just get a cup of coffee if you're going to be like that." She scoffed as we hopped into her car. I never thought that reality could be worse than my dreams but either way I am losing Edward.
I guess it's just harder to bare in reality because I know I could do something about and I'm not. I know I should probably just tell Alice what is going on, let her walk me through it, but I can't. She already has her skewed opinion of Edward and I don't want to hear it. She'd say things like Mike is so good to you. He would do anything for you. I would die to have what you have with Mike. You're going to be happy for the rest of your lives. This is just a bump in the road, part of your past coming back to haunt you.
She's said it all before and I don't doubt her willingness to remind me of it all again.
The problem is that after this morning's events with Mike, I've realized I just want Edward. I don't want Mike to be the one to tell me he loves me and kiss me every day forever. I want Edward. I just need to figure out how to get him. I can't tell Alice any of that. At least not yet.
Pulling into the diner I felt my phone vibrate. It was probably Mike. I left my purse on the floor and grabbed my wallet.
"Oh! Look its Esme and Carlisle!" Alice squealed as we walked into the diner, my entire body tensed. She grabbed my hand and pulled me towards their table, I scanned it quickly looking to see how many people were with them, any sign that he was with them. I found nothing.
"Hi Esme! Carlisle!" It was so weird. They had always been in my life, in both our lives, since our mother died. Ever since he left. Yet, I had never felt as nervous around them as I did right now. Maybe it was because I had been at their house last night and snuck out early this morning. Or the fact that I want to leave my fiancé for their son.
Alice had always loved them, even if she hates him. She feels like Esme is the mother she never had since she was only fifteen when our mom died five years ago. I always feel like I failed at being the older sister to her after that. When Edward left I was beyond crushed and couldn't recover, I could barely take care of myself, let alone her. She immediately tried to be the rock in the family. She stayed positive and kept dad going and would keep track of my eating and sleeping. I don't think I would have survived that first year without her. I know I wouldn't have. She even says she forgives Jake, though I can't seem to.
They both say hi to me and I smile back, still praying silently that they don't know I was at their house in the middle of the night. That would be bad. I look around the diner a few times before realizing that they're talking about the wedding. Alice is chatting while Esme asks her questions, seeming very interested. I wonder if she knew I was still in love with her son. Carlisle was focused on his phone, probably doing emails.
When I finally convinced myself that Edward wasn't going to pop out of the bathroom I join the conversation with Alice and Esme.
We sit and chat for a while, the waitress comes over and we order our drinks. I get more comfortable as I realize they don't know I was there last night, or if they do they aren't going to mention it.
When the waitress puts my coffee down I start to add my cream and sugar. I see Carlisle wave at someone behind me. I freeze, sugar packet in my hand.
"Glad you could join us." Carlisle laughs. Please don't be Edward. Please.
I hear the person take a few steps, I'm still frozen and I feel the buzz, the electricity. I already know who it is. No. I stare at Carlisle, praying that I'm wrong, praying that its someone else and I just think its him. That part of me just wants it to be him so bad that I'm hallucinating the feeling I get when I'm around him.
"Sorry, I uh- I had to go meet with- someone." His voice. I forget how much I miss it. Did I really just hear it last night? It flows through my ears, giving me butterflies in my stomach. Deliberately taking a deep breath, I focus on putting the sugar into my coffee. Trying to not look at him. He sits at the end of the table, right next to me, in the only available seat. I wait for his leg to brush mine but it doesn't.
The pain slightly numbs in his presence and I wonder why. Touch me, Edward. Make it all go away.
He says hello to his mom and Alice, who is cordial but I can hear the curtness in her tone. They go back to talking about my bridesmaids dresses almost instantly.
"Hello Isabella." Edward speaks softly, I notice that Carlisle is watching us.
"Hello Edward." I answer, moving my eyes carefully from my coffee to his shirt collar. Refusing once again to look into his eyes. I don't trust myself.
I miss the green.
I was so strong with him last night, trying to be confident as I pushed him away. I don't necessarily regret it, I wouldn't want to do anything while I'm engaged. I don't want anything to do with us, not that there will be anything, to be tainted with my engagement to Mike. Every time I blink I see the image that is burned into the backs of my eye lids. His face after I rejected him. After I pushed him away. After I told him no.
I'm such an idiot. I just wish there was a clear cut way to decide what is happening. I feel like everything has become so jumbled every decision I make is hurting so many.
This morning, with Mike, made me realize that I'm more confused than I know. I hated him touching me. I hated kissing him. I hated that I still had sex with him before he left to go do a meeting and some last minute things at work. I hated it all.
I wanted it to be Edward.
Touch me, Edward.
I let myself glace over at him and he's not paying much attention to me. His legs haven't touched mine. His hands stay in his lap.
I want to do something intentionally to get him to touch me, feel me. I want his skin on mine.
Just being around Edward again is making me want to run away, get out of the commotion and chaos this has all become. Just be with him. Just be Edward and Isabella like we once were.
I join the conversation with Alice and Esme, who have now thankfully switched the conversation to Alice. I wonder if the conversation change was done on purpose? If they thought talking about my wedding in front of Edward was awkward? Wrong?
I thought both.
I hated how much I just wanted him to touch me. To brush his arm against mine. I craved his touch and I realized it wasn't only because he got rid of the pain, it was because I wanted him to touch me. I needed him to. He didn't. Not once.
The entire lunch he kept to himself, talking to Carlisle or typing on his phone. I still didn't know what he did for work. That bothered me. I still didn't know a lot about him. Yet, I was so aware of him that I almost couldn't breathe.
I had to admit that he was what I wanted, what I needed. I even said last night that I wanted to leave Mike. Why couldn't I have just stuck with that this morning?
Because I panicked.
I'm still panicking.
I'm flip flopping between choices like its nothing and its not. It's a huge deal. Its my life. Its other peoples lives.
It's a wedding, or no wedding.
Someone else might think that the decision is easy. Go with Edward, you're meant for each other. Or someone else might say; go with Mike, you're engaged. Its not easy though. It's hard and terrible and puts me in the worst position possible.
The thought of leaving this entire life that I've created beyond Edward just because he came back in insane. I know he still wants me but I don't know what specifically he wants. Dating? Marriage? Kids?
I know he loves me. My mind travels back to last night, to the words he spoke.
"I don't want you to kiss me and then leave me for him. I know I've hurt you, I will be sorry forever, but I'm hurt too and I can't handle that. I won't be able to handle you leaving me. I'm such a fucking hypocrite, but it's the truth, and you deserve the truth from me always. You deserve so much better than me. You shouldn't even be with me right now, I'm bad for you."
"No you're not. Don't say that."
"I'll always love you Isabella, I swear to you."
I close my eyes at the memory. Was that really only last night? Did he mean it? Of course he meant it.
He wants me, he does. Believe it, Bella. Come on.
If I hadn't pushed him away we wouldn't be in this situation right now.
Have I already made my decision then? Yes. Did I make it without even realizing it? Yes.
I need Edward. I need to let go of Mike and be with Edward.
We all order some food and I'm not sure why I even bothered. I wasn't hungry before and now that Edward its gotten worse.
My mind wanders back to last night as I stir my newly filled coffee.
I'm not involving myself in the conversations at the table, I'm useless. I'm too stuck in my own brain and focused on every single movement Edward makes.
"Then what did you mean when you pulled away from me? Told me no?" His voice had a bitterness to it I hadn't heard before. "You are going to be married in less than two days Isabella, I know that. I'm fully aware. You don't need to worry though, I won't do that again."
His eyes soften at his last words, his hands fall out of their fists, his back hunches over. "You'll be safe from me."
Was not touching me included in keeping me safe from him? I didn't want to be safe from him. I didn't. I wanted him to touch me, taste me, take me.
We get our food and I pick at mine. Pushing my pasta around my plate. I need to talk to Mike. We can figure this out, discuss it rationally and calmly. We're both adults. Its not fair to him for me to feel like this and not say anything. He called earlier anyways, I should call him back and tell him we need to talk later.
"Alice I need to go grab my purse out of the car, I left my phone in there." I whisper to her abruptly. She hands me the keys as she eats more of her chicken sandwich. I walk out the doors and towards the car, thankful for putting some space between me and Edward. I need just a few minutes to think. To make sure that all the progress that I have made in the past forty five minutes haven't been because of the effect he has on me.
I unlock the car and pull my purse out before shutting and locking it once again.
"Isabella," I heard his voice, soft and silky. I turned around to find him with his hands shoved in his pockets, looking directly into my eyes. Green, I've missed you so. "I just- I need to talk to you, Could I see you later?"
He asked me as if I would say no.
Though, I guess from his last impression of us he had reason to doubt. I didn't however. Sitting in that diner with him for the past half hour has made me realize that I do want to talk to him, I have to. I need to get everything back to how it should be.
"Yes." His green eyes piercing into mine. It puts me in a trance. "I'll uh-give you my number." I didn't know how to smoothly do that, I'm not sure it worked.
"I actually have it so…" His eyes scrunched together, like he wished he wouldn't have said that out loud.
"How did you get my number?" I felt my fingers absently playing with my locket, butterflies in my stomach.
"My mom. Just last night, just incase or something." He mumbled the last part, rushing through it and not giving me any more information. It made me wonder if she really only gave it to him last night.
"You already have a missed call from me and a voicemail. So, yeah, just ignore that. " He must have registered the confused look on my face, he called me? "I wanted to make sure I got to see you today."
"You're with me right now?" I questioned. Not that I didn't want to meet with him, I was just confused.
"I need something more, private, for this."
"Private?" I repeated, not meaning to say it out loud.
"Yes. I have to go though, I'll let you know where to meet."
"Meet me there in an hour and a half."
"Alright." He was trying to intimidate me, I could tell. It just wasn't working. I wasn't scared to meet Mike. I really didn't care what happened with him, I only cared about Isabella.
I closed my phone and put it in my lap. If Bella decided to call me back I wanted to know about it.
It wasn't until I had driven almost all the way home that my dad sent me a text wondering where I was. Fuck. I had told them that I was going to meet them for lunch half an hour ago.
Changing direction I headed towards the diner. I would just have to make up some excuse for why I was late and for why I needed to leave in about an hour.
I knew the instant I walked into the diner that my dad had left a few details out about this lunch. Alice and Isabella were sitting at the table, chatting and smiling.
I had a fleeting thought to just turn around and leave. Another to just grab Isabella and leave.
Is that why she didn't answer my phone call? Because she was here with my parents?
I was panicking inside. Should I pull her aside and speak with her? No. This isn't an appropriate place to have the discussion that I need to. I don't want to make this awkward. I can feel the glares I'm getting from Alice and my parents are already looking at me, waiting for me to snap. They know that I want Isabella back, I made that perfectly clear. They know I still love her and that its very hard for me to handle the fact that she's moved on. Esme has told me countless times that everything happens for a reason. She wants me to just go with the flow and not try to control everything. Carlisle doesn't say much other than just to follow my heart.
I feel the buzz coming from our proximity to each other. I want to reach out and touch her, feel her soft skin. I want to be alone with her. I hate that there's three other people at the table. I feel like we're in a fish bowl and every move we make is being watched.
In order to keep myself in check I don't look at her, lean towards her or really even talk to her. I feel like if I do, I'll break down. I'll tell her every single thing right here and I don't want to do that.
I try to talk to Carlisle but I think he can read right through me. I watch Isabella out of the corner of my eye, should I say something now? Just tell her I want to talk to her later? I mean I was so confident about everything when I left Jacob and when I was in the car calling her but now that I'm sitting beside her I feel my nerves acting up. I'm worried about how she will react, what she will say, if she'll never talk to me again. All of the things that I was scared would happen when I told her.
When the waitress comes over to take our food orders I ramble something off, I'm not hungry. I have so much on my mind.
I need to talk to her, I need to get her away from here, away from everyone. I don't want an audience for this conversation. Maybe I could still meet her later on? After I meet Mike of course. I don't know if I want her to know that I'm going to see him, I think that might be weird. She would probably want to come too and I'm not sure he told her we're meeting. It is probably better she stays in the dark about it all.
A/N: I split this chapter in 2 because I felt it needed it. Posting Ch12 in just a little bit.
Reviews are better than Edward wanting to be somewhere private with you..alright that's a lie.