Hogwarts Plays Cupid

Everyone at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry knew that Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter were meant to be. Well, everyone but Draco and Harry anyway. But now their blazing passion… err, anger, was driving the residents of Hogwarts crazy. And for some that means even more than usual. So there was only one thing left to do of course: get them together.

And who said Dumbledore wasn't a great Cupid?

"You're not a great cupid," Neville Longbottom said very seriously at the beginning of the meeting.

"Forget that!" McGonagall said hastily, trying to prevent the senile Headmaster from breaking into tears, "What do we do!" The typically composed witch looked like she'd been dragged from hell and back. Her bun was frazzled, her robes were crumpled, and her eyes looked nothing short of demented.

"Do what?" Dumbledore asked curiously, pulling apart two Lemon Drops. It was now the first official meeting of the Get- Harry- Potter- And- Draco- Malfoy- Together- So- They- Don't- Drive- Us- Mad- In- The- Next- Month or GHPADMTSTDDUMINM as Dumbledore liked to call it.

Current members included a senile Headmaster, a frazzled cat, an overgrown bat, a fidgeting goblin, an escaped convict, a werewolf, a monster loving half giant, and a smattering of fifth and sixth years from all four of the Houses. Oh, and Dobby.

"We have to stop this!" the Deputy ranted, "It's getting out of control Albus! Just this week, there have been fights, thrown curses, exploding Transfiguration rooms, giving the entire Slytherin House food poisoning, throwing Filches cat out the window, more fighting, hexing-"

"Well its clear both of them need to get laid," Ginny interjected, smiling innocently at a blustering Deputy, "Oh come on Professor, it's so obvious."

"That's all fine and well," Ron scowled, "But how do we get those two idiots together?" When all the faces turned to him in shock, he added defensively, "What?"

"Thought you'd be the first to protest this Weasley," Blaise said, "You can't stand Draco."

'Well Harry's gone insane!" Ron burst out, "It could be Voldie's snake for all I care! Just get them to admit their stupid crushes and leave me alone!"

"Hear ye, hear ye!" Snape agreed, shocking everyone once more as he nodded in recognition of the redhead's short yet impassioned speech.

"I suggest," Forge began with a smirk. Or was it Gred?

"That we," Gred continued. Or was it Forge?

"Lock them-"

"In a closet-"

"And let little Harrykins-"

"And little Draco of course-"

"Have some fun," they finished triumphantly.

"It's a classic," Pansy agreed, "I love Draco like a brother but if locking him in a closet with his archenemy will get him to shut up, then I think it's brilliant."

"But what if they decide to kill each other rather than get together?" a concerned Hermione, pointed out.

"Does it matter?" Snape asked, frankly, "Either way we'll get some peace for a while."

"I'm with Severus on this one," Sirius shrugged at the weird looks, "If they want to tear each other to shreds than let them. As a wise man once said, 'who the hell cares?'"

"He's your only godson," Remus protested, "Shouldn't you be on his side?" Sirius gave Remus the look.

"I haven't gotten a decent night's sleep for a week," he answered, "Malfoy put pink dyes in my shampoo and then bullied the concierge at a restaurant into throwing bologna sauce on me and my date. Harry smashed my entire porcelain motorcycle figurine set and then stole my credit card and racked up a huge bill buying flammable bombs to throw at the Slytherin. If they don't kill each other, I'll kill them."

There was a chorus of assents and Dumbledore beamed. "It's always good to see the younger generations bond over the idea of killing the Chosen One and the Malfoy heir," he said jovially, "Now who wants a Lemon Drop?"

And so the first meeting of the newly re-instated Harry and Draco Committee disbanded.


Harry Potter stalked down the halls of Hogwarts, a truly madman glint in his eyes, that made first years scramble away in fear. If anyone had seen the young Lord Potter then, they would have sworn on their life, magic, and ability to procreate that he was the spawn of hell.

Oh yeah, the Dark Lord had nothing on the Boy-Who-Lived.

"Hey, Potter!" a furious voice shouted. Harry looked up, a scowl already forming at the familiar sound of the voice as an enraged Malfoy stomped up to him. The source of his ire was rather evident… someone had charmed his infamous golden white hair a bright, eye-glaring, gaudy purple.

"Nice look Malfoy," Harry taunted, smirking at the livid teen, "Love the new hair. Really brings out the evil in your eyes."

"You did this Potter!" Malfoy snarled. Well no duh, Captain Obvious. Who else would touch a lock of that beautiful… err, annoying hair?

For anyone who's wondering, yes, Malfoy did in fact snarl. Anyone who finds this odd when compared to the usually composed Malfoy persona should take into account that Draco's first love was his hair.

"Can you prove it?" Harry asked, not denying it in the least. "Seems a fair trade-off for painting all my textbooks with magic repellant, completely permanent black ink, don't you think?"

That did it. With a sound that had an eerie resemblance to a growl, Draco leaned forward and shoved harry. Taken by surprise, the Chosen One stumbled back before seeming to regain his bearings. The sneer on Draco's face was quickly replaced by blood as his fist shot up and bashed into the other boy's nose.

That was all it took before fists were suddenly flying in all directions as it melted into an all-out Muggle brawl. One fist connected to another's eye, a kick found its way into a pair of ribs, and an elbow jabbed into a gut rather painfully.

Draco had no idea what came over him, scrabbling in the ground like some filthy, common Muggle. All he knew was that there was something unbelievably annoying about Potter that made him furious. The second the other boy had smirked at him, something had snapped and Draco felt a tide of rage settle over him. He was going to murder Potter.

It probably would have continued like that if two stunners hadn't been rapidly shot at the pummeling boys. A quick levitation and locking spell later, a happy tabby cat was sitting was sitting in her office, a decidedly Slytherin smirk on her lips.


Ten Minutes Later

"Where am I?" a piteous moan said as Draco groggily opened his eyes. A look around showed that he was in a small room, robe torn to shreds, and a stirring Potter beside him. A look at the boy made all of his rushing emotions pour back and he gave the Chosen One a swift kick to the ribs.

"Wake up Potter!" he snapped, pushing himself as the other boy practically shot upward. In two strides, Draco was at the door and anger was replaced by growing fear as he rattled the locked knob.

"What the hell happened?" Harry moaned as Draco's heart gave a lurch. He was here. Alone. With Potter. And they were fighting.

…which deity had he so deeply offended anyway?

"If you must know Scarface," Draco scowled, "Somebody stunned us and threw us in a locked room! No one knows we're here and I'm stuck with you."

Harry's stomach plummeted. But that was ridiculous! Why would he care if the ferret wanted to be stuck with him? It's not like he enjoyed being with Draco. I mean, they were fighting.

Malfoy, he corrected silently, he didn't like being stuck with Malfoy.

"Well you'd definitely be my first choice," harry said. He'd meant for it to be sarcastic but it came out as more of an admission and his face immediately colored.

Draco stared at him in shock. Did Potter just… was he finally apologizing… no, he couldn't mean- if he did then… Malfoy opened his mouth, taking the opening and…

…promptly made an ass of himself.

"Aw, that's so touching Potter," Draco sneered, "What; your Mudblood whore can't stand to be around you? Can't say I blame her- Oomph!"

Harry, whose face had been growing steadily redder and redder with every word out of the Slytherin ice Prince's mouth, had bashed the other boy. Again.

And thus, the two mature, powerful wizards fell into another brawl. If this was the future of the Wizarding world than maybe all those ancient Muggles were on to something there when they tried to exterminate them all.


Outside the Room of Requirement was the unlikely trio of Pansy Parkinson, Ginny Weasley, and Luna Lovegood taking their turn on spying on the two boys? Ginny and Pansy were pressed to the door, a pair of Extendable Ears- and the Weasley twins latest inventions- the Mad-Eye Eyes in their hands. Luna sat across from them, humming senselessly and scribbling in a notebook.

"So what are they doing now?" Luna's soft voice broke the silence, her bright blue eyes glinting with amusement.

"Well," Ginny said, peering through the eyes, "Draco's got a very colorful vocabulary and Harry has a mean right hook." A loud crash was heard from the bedroom. "He's also stronger than he looks."

"Well he doesn't look much," Pansy sneered, "Not very macho, huh? Isn't even five eight."

"He doesn't have to be," Ginny argued, "His short stature works in his favor. Harry's completely adorable. He'll be submissive for sure."

"Nah, Draco's more girly. He loves shopping even more than I do," Pansy snickered, "Ten galleons that Harry tops. With a whip and leather boots of course."

"You're on," Ginny grinned, "Harry purrs in his sleep and he's still five eight."

"What does size have to do with anything?" Pansy asked innocently, "Spiked boots will dominate any bedroom."

"What are you doing?" Ginny asked curiously once she noticed that Luna wasn't saying anything, "What is that?"

Luna looked up and blinked twice, rather owlishly. "I'm planning the names of their future children of course."

"And what will those be?" Pansy asked, genuinely interested.

"He'll have four kids," Luna said simply, sounding sure, "The oldest will be a boy, James Sirius Potter- Malfoy. Then there will be twin boys, Albus Severus Potter- Malfoy and Scorpios Lucius Potter- Malfoy. The youngest will be a girl, Lily Luna Potter- Malfoy."

"You have an entire future planned out for them, don't you?" Pansy asked, looking impressed, "Those actually sound like possible names if they ever have any kids."

"I have some Druid blood in me," Luna said, surprising the two girls, "And they'll definitely be a cute couple… if either one forgives the other."

"Do you know who'll bottom?" pansy asked eagerly, deciding to forgo what the mysterious Seer had just said. Luna could make absolutely no sense sometimes.

Luna smirked and merely said, "Draco looks wonderful in pink." A girl was heard from the Weasley girl as Pansy whooped.

"Pansy?" Ginny asked as another whoop was heard.

"Yes darling?" the witch asked, looking up from the latest copy of Witch Weekly.

"How do we get them out of there?" Ginny asked, "Before they kill themselves?"

"We just wait until they've knocked each other senseless and then unlock the door," Pansy said, matter-of-fact, "Oh and we run."


"This is the second meeting of the Harry and Draco Committee," Flitwick announced in his squeaky voice. Catching the look on the Headmaster's face he added, "And no Albus, we will not call ourselves by your ridiculously long name."

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Supreme Mugwump, Member of the Confederation of Warlocks. Founder (and sole member) of the Lemon Drop Lovers Club, etc. sulked.

"So how well did they beat each other up?" Ron asked, making himself comfortable on one of the conjured chairs. The mismatched group was sitting in an abandoned classroom inside of Hogwarts with its three new members: Lucius Malfoy, supreme ass licker, Madame Promfey horrible tasting medicine forcer, and the Dark Lord, paranoid prima donna.

For the sake of all their sanities (and Voldie's ego) they had called a temporary truce.

"Well," Madam Promfey pursed her lips, clearly irritated, "Potter had a black eye, two broken ribs, and a bruised shoulder. Malfoy has a split lip, a cracked shin, and a broken nose. They both had a temper tantrum."

"It's not fair," Voldemort complained, "I should be Potter's enemy! He should hate me! Not Malfoy!"

Ron smirked, "Jealous much?"

Voldemort glared at him, "I am not jealous!" He stomped his foot, bottom lip stuck out like a child, "I was his enemy first. He's being a big meanie by going to Draco instead."

"It's not your fault," Sirius comforted the misty-eyes Dark Lord, "It's just teenage hormones-"

"Then why doesn't he love me?" Voldemort sniffed, scarlet eyes tearing up, "I- I thought we had something special!"

"Love can be cruel," Snape said, sympathetically, as Blaise cackled, "You're a pedophile? That's priceless!"

Voldemort pinned the handsome boy with a venomous glare. "Would you like to be killed Zabini?" he asked silkily, fingering his wand. And no, not that wand, thank you very much.

"Truce remember?" Remus said sternly, changing the conversation back to what was most important, "Now what do we do with Draco and Harry?"

"I vote that we murder them painfully and feed their bodies to the giant squid," Neville offered, cheerfully.

"Don't be so mean," Hagrid scolded, "The poor squid 'ould get indigestion!"

"You know," Lucius mused, "We could publicly get them together. Obviously they won't do it in private but if everyone clamored the Slytherin Ice prince and the Gryffindor Golden Boy to get together… although in all honesty, I figured Draco would rip Potter's clothes off-"

"No mental images," Severus immediately protested as Lucius uncharacteristically grinned at him, "Do you want to scar me for life?" Wow, even Voldie seemed sympathetic.

"Don't use unauthorized Legilimency if you don't like what you get," Lucius smirked, smugly.

"So how do we achieve public approval?" Minerva asked, from her desk where she sat braiding Pansy's hair.

"Oh use the newspapers, spread rumor mills, tell Lavender," Luna sighed, her eyes gazing off dreamily. The rest of them stared at her.

"Missus Luna sounds like she's done this before," Dobby said, astonished, "Missus Luna sounds evil."

"Aw, thanks Dobby," the girl smiled at him, "That's so sweet."

"So we get the public to give 'em hell?" Dumbledore asked his gaudy pink and green striped candy-cane styled robes accompanied by a fabulous pair of leather cowboy boots. Muggle shopping was so delightful!

No one had a chance to answer as an alarm suddenly trilled off. Everyone was looking at Voldemort as he calmly turned off the spell.

"What?" he asked, bored, "It's time for my close-up."

Suddenly he jumped up, and with a wave of his wand, a stage suddenly appeared in the room. Pulsing Muggle pop music took the air as multicolored lights danced over the floor. Lucius Malfoy also scrambled up, a camera held ready in his hands.

"Oh yeah!" the Malfoy Lord shouted as Voldie began posing, "Work it, baby, work it! Show me your good side! Yeah, now smile. Pout darling… that's it! Now, work it!"

Bright flashes started going off as Luna said wisely, "Gandalf the Grey is not really a faggot."


The next day a flurry of owls in the Great Hall signaled the end of the world as we know it. I blame puberty.

Hottest Hogwarts Couple: Boy-Who-Lived To Be Gay?

By Rita Skeeter

In a shocking twist to the young Lord Potter's life, a reliable inside source shows that the Chosen One can't choose! That's right folks, an undisclosed friend of Mr. Potter's reveals him to be gay! As an even further surprise for this reporter, it has also been shown that Potter is having a secret steamy love affair with none other than Draco Malfoy, his long-time rival!

All current readers know of Potter's grudge with the handsome, Veela rumored Malfoy heir. Along with being the son of a known Death eater, Malfoy has always made it his mission in life to antagonize the Boy-Who-Lived.

It seems though that love really can conquer all. The two boys seemed to have gotten over their childhood rivalry and have been secretly dating for the past year and a half! Their bond was only strengthened as Mr. Malfoy became pregnant with Lord Potter's heir who will be born in seven more months. Although the gender of the baby is currently unknown, he or she will undoubtedly be a strong witch or wizard.

Godfather of Harry Potter, Lord Sirius Orion Black (38), had this to say in an exclusive interview: "I think they make a wonderful couple of course and I'm glad to welcome Draco into the Black family (although we're technically already related.) While I had no plans on becoming a grandfather this young, I fully support my godson and his new family.

Malfoy's father, Lucius Abraxas Malfoy (44) also had a comment while outside his Wiltshire mansion: "Narcissa and I are simply thrilled with this new addition to the family. My wife is currently on a shopping trip to buy gifts for our new grandchild and we will have a wedding planned for this summer in the Malfoy grounds. You are welcome to attend."

It's impossible to determine how this unusual love match will turn out but we at the daily Prophet wish the new family ever happiness!


The Hogwarts students at the end of the article? There was incredulity, horror, amusement, more horror, perverse glee, and excitement. The result? A couple hundred hyper, hormonal teens that could cause mayhem and chaos with a flick of their wand.

…Whoever said Dumbledore was a genius was a dirty liar.

Immediately the whispers started up.

"I knew it! Malfoy always was a poof…"

"Won't they make such a hot couple? This is bloody brilliant!"

"Do you think Malfoy cursed Harry?"

"Nah, Potter slipped a love potion into Draco."

"Who do you think does bottom?"

"Seamus! We don't even know if they did it…"

"Well how else could the baby be born?"

"You're disgusting Finnigan."

"You're a virgin Winslow, so that doesn't say much."

"Can boys even become pregnant?"

"You're so naïve Thomas; of course they can!"

"Do you think Harry will be angry?"

"That's a stupid question. Do you think we'll be alive tomorrow?"

That question was never answered though as that minute Harry Potter just walked in and was handed a copy of the newspaper. He read it.

One minute…

Two minutes…

Three minutes…



At the end of the day, the Great Hall was in shambles, the students scarred for life, half the faculty was bright green, and the other half of professors sporting scarlet red and Rita Skeeter was banned from a Quick Quotes Quill for life.

Oh, and the house elves were positively delighted with all the work that was to be done. Dobby even requested a temporary leave of absence from the Committee to go erect a marble statue of Harry and Draco in their honor.

This marked the destruction of Plan B. Plan C, which was to force them to fight together by ambushing them with a group of Death Eaters resulted in a full St. Mungo's, a thrilled Ministry, an unhappy Voldie, and a resulting shouting match. Plan D, to douse them with love potions had a besotted Filch chasing around a horrified Hermione Granger. As for Plan E, that was too cruel for words.

Poor Sevvie, he'll need years of expensive psychotherapy to ever become normal again.

"Okay then," Remus said wearily, "I now call the sixth meeting of- oh, damn it all. What the hell are we going to do about those boys?"

"Murder?" Hermione offered, her former sympathy replaced by terror driven fury, "Painful murder?"

"Very, very painful murder?" Snape added, sounding almost hopeful. When it looked like even Remus was giving the idea some serious thought, Dumbledore hastily cut in.

"We cannot kill them," Dumbledore said gravely, "There is no other choice. We must beg them."

And this is what led to all the members of the Harry and Draco Committee to march over to the doors of Hogwarts, only to stand, stunned at the sight that greeted them. For leaning against a nearby wall was Draco Malfoy who was currently in a rather passionate kiss with a certain dark-haired, green-eyed Seeker.

"W-What?" Dumbledore spluttered, suddenly noting his mouth was open. The Headmaster's noise seemed to have alerted the other two though as they looked up, with an expectant gaze.

"We're kissing sir," Draco smirked, the infamous Malfoy smirk beginning to appear on his face, "Surely even you know what that is."

"Why?" Lucius asked, desperately trying to look away from his son. Draco's face was flushed, his hair messy- the horror!- and the top two buttons of his shirt were open.

He'd have to Oblivate himself afterward.

"We're dating of course," Harry's voice sounded bored, clearly the influence of a certain Slytherin.

"Since when?" Sirius demanded.

"For the last six months actually," Draco replied, offhandedly, ignoring their gaping mouths as he leaned in for another kiss, "Although I am surprised you found out about the baby."

"But-"McGonagall said, her voice faint, "Why were you two fighting like- like-"

"Hmm?" Draco asked, looking up, "Oh, Harry borrowed my shirt without asking." Several thuds were heard as the members of the Committee fainted, with the sole exception of a humming Seer. The two boys didn't notice though as they went back to their kiss.

"That reminds me," Luna said suddenly, "Don't let James have strawberry cake for his third birthday. The fate of the world depends on it."

The End


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or nay of the characters in this story. Unfortunately only J.K. Rowling does. I also don't take any blame for any minds that may have been driven crazy by this story. All emotional scarring has been done by that own person.

So this is a mini-fic in which I've made it irreversibly obvious that I am not in fact quite right in the head. Oh well (shrugs) Normal always was overrated. That being said, I hope everyone enjoyed this and decided to review. (If your American than take this opportunity to destroy the stereotype that all Americans are lazy non-reviewers!)

This is a single chapter fanfic so I won't be adding anything else and I'm still debating a sequel. I'm considering on trying another of these stories- again Harry Potter- but I'd like to see what people think of this first before I attempt another one. So review!