"You know what I like about Indian chicks?" Raj was beaming, the Grasshopper drink in his right hand swirling around in the glass, the green liquid almost spilling.
"What?" Howard asked, his voice full of sarcastic anger.
"Even if I can't talk to them, they sound like me, so I feel like I am." Raj said, still smiling. He then slowly got up to walk around, check out the girls at the club, and see if he could convince anyone he was 'the hottest astrophysicist.'
"I thought you said he had a date!" Bernadette screamed at Howard, looking at Raj to make sure he wouldn't hear them.
"I did? Didn't I mention the date he had was with us?" Howard said, hoping his fiancé wouldn't kill him.
"You're a putz." Bernadette scolded. "Now go over there and find him a date before I walk out of here!"
"OK, OK, Honey, don't yell at me." Howard backed off, sliding from his seat to go and meet up with Raj. He slid past the mobs of sweating dancers, stopped himself from hitting on them, and eventually made it to Raj, despite all of the flashing lights.
"Raj, we need to talk."
"Sure thing!" Raj handed Howard a bottle of vodka. "Did Bernadette finally come to the conclusion that you're a pale and pasty Jewish boy who won't be able to support her in the real world? And once she said that, did she then say she wanted a foreign astrophysicist from the exotic subcontinent of India?" Raj looked hopeful, still draining glass after glass of liquor.
"No." Howard gave Raj a look of disgust. "Shut up!"
"It's like what my girl Beyoncé says,"
"Raj! I don't care about Beyoncé- we need to talk about your 'date.'"
"Oh, I get it, just because I don't have a girlfriend means I can't have a good time at a club." Raj started to mope.
"No, it's that you don't have a girlfriend and think you can come with me and Bernadette to a club." Howard corrected his steadily-more-drunk friend.
"Fine, I'll leave, is that what you want?"
"Yeah, it kind of is." Howard started to smile at his friend.
"No? What do you mean no?"
"I'm having a very good time, and I will not have it ruined by you and your miniscule date!"
"That's my fiancé you're talking about." Howard raised a finger at his friend.
"Oh please, like you could fight me."
"If you're not forgetting, didn't I win the sidekick bet?"
"No, as a matter of fact, you didn't. After three hours on the mat we called it off because no one had fallen into the other's rodent traps." Raj's words were slowly becoming slurred.
"Well I'm going back to Bernadette, and you can stay if you want, but you can't come back over to us the rest of the night!" Howard stared his friend straight in the eyes, taking two swills of vodka as he did so.
"OK- I don't need you anyway."
Howard turned around to walk back to Bernadette, but was confused when he couldn't find her. She wasn't where they had been sitting, and all of the other tables were taken with other people. He quickly took out his cellphone to call her, hoping that she was OK.
"Bernie? Where are you? Are you OK?" Howard spoke quickly, nervous his fiancé was in danger.
"I'm fine!" Bernadette said, shrilly.
"Then why'd you leave?"
"Because I'm engaged to a putz!" she hung up.
Howard then turned around to spend the night with Raj, hoping his anger wouldn't ruin it for him. On his way over to where Raj stood, Howard drained the bottle of vodka, and upon arrival, ordered another.
"Oh- look who decided to show up!" Raj looked at Howard, checking him from head to toe.
"I had a huge fight with Bernadette." he said, solemnly.
"Oh no!" Raj smiled. "But how will we get home?" his smile disappeared, and it was replaced with a look of curiosity.
"Oh well, I have something better in mind." Raj began to smirk.
"What do you mean? Our only way to get anywhere is gone, and we're both drunk out of our skulls. Plus, neither one of us has a date!"
"Be a lamb and drink that bottle of vodka. Maybe you'll be less of a puss after it."
Howard drained the bottle, scowling the entire time. Raj, after seeing Howard finish the bottle, started to talk once more.
"You know how a long time ago, we were building that app with Leonard?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"Well, remember the dream I had about our connected mansions?"
"Yeah- you said your front yard was connected to my backyard. Where are you going with this, Raj?" Howard looked frightened, but his open mouth was abruptly closed by Raj's lips connecting with his.
"Holy crap, Raj!" Howard took a step back. "I'm engaged!"
"C'mon dude, you heard it, and I heard it, Bernadette is cutting the strings between you. Now come here, Putz."
The next thing they knew, they were at Raj's apartment. His sheets were toasty against the friends' bare skin, and after a wild night, they were especially hot in the morning.
"Wow." Howard's transient idiopathic arrhythmia really kicked in during the night, and it was finally starting to return to normal.
"I'm on a cloud." Raj said, his arm still wrapped tightly around Howard's delicate frame.
The two stayed under the covers as snuggle buddies for another two hours, and were going to repeat the entire cycle again, when a knock came at the door.
"Holy crap, who could that be?" Howard pulled the sheets up over his chest.
"Don't worry dude, I got this!" Raj said coolly.
"What if it's a woman?"
"Just relax." Raj got up, a bit unnerved at Howard's last comment, and walked over to the door. He had boxers on at that point, and wasn't bothered by the fact that he was only wearing boxers. He opened the door, and as he did, Howard stuck his head out from the bedroom.
"Oh, hi Bernadette!" Raj said. On his way to the door, he had taken a quick swill of Listerine. It cleaned his mouth, and contained alcohol.
"Raj?" she was trying to look past the fact that Raj was next to naked. "Do you know where Howard is? He's not at his place, and his mother is as scared as I am!"
"Yes, I do indeed know where he is." Raj moved his hand to wear the completely naked Howard stood, cowering by the bedroom.
"Oh my God! What happened to my Howie?" Bernadette's heart was racing.
"Oh, nothing too special, only what was meant to happen." Raj quickly walked over to Howard, and placed his lips rightfully onto his friend's.
Bernadette, in a state of shock, ran out of the apartment, trying to get the mental image of her fiancé kissing Raj out of her head…