For The Loss Of Anna
Time. The only constant rhythm in this ever changing world. It is...strange knowing how in instant, everything you have grown to know can change. How one person can make you feel such immense grief? That was why he was here, just like he was every day since.
The amount of grief and guilt was too thick in a house that felt to big for their now family of four. He hated it. He hated knowing how everyone, including him, was avoiding each other and anything that reminded them of Anna. His mother never cooked anything that Anna like because it was too hard. His father worked round the clock because it was the only way he could deal. His sister put on headphones blasting loud music so that she didn't have to blame herself. Her pictures and drawings were turned down. No one had been to her side of the room that she shared with Kate.
Kate. It used to be all about her. Fighting, preparing, surviving her death. No one thought they will lose Anna, because no one expected it. When Anna left, it felt as if time stopped.
When it finally did move the days dragged on with excruciating pain. There were days when it was so unbearable he wanted to scream in frustration. There were times when he wished he was the one buried under the soil not her and there were times when he wanted to join her.
It felt wrong to see her in a casket, her face devoid of any emotion or life. It felt wrong to be living while she had lost the chance.
Anna with her big smiles and adventurous stories of birds and creatures she found and saved. Anna, the only one that made him remotely feel as if he had a family. The only one that gave a damn; who saw him as Jesse and not the boy who did drugs or screwed his life a million times over. The only one that had always believed in him.
"I know you blame me," a familiar voice said quietly.
Jesse turned around to see the person that caused all this. This...mess. He didn't want to deal with her so he shrugged and turned back to Anna's grave. Written on a gray stone, her name, date of birth, date of...death and a quote that he helped his father picked. The greatest life is the one that has been loved and gave love.
It represented everything Anna was and still is. And that made the pain worse.
"You should," she continued.
There was a brief moment of silence before Jesse felt the need to say something.
"Did you know she was the first one to know I did drugs?" Jesse said, "I thought she would tell you or dad but she didn't. Told me that it was my choice. I guessed she knew one day I'll stop"
He knew she wanted to speak up, reprimand him or something but he knew that she won't. Because he knew she felt helpless.
"I stopped for her. Because she was the only one that gave a damn," Jesse spat out bitterly.
"That is not true," she finally spoke up.
Jesse turned around, enraged. Anna never got to live her life. The only reason that Anna was alive was because of Kate. She had no right to say anything.
"Face it mom, she died, Kate lived. Isn't that what you wanted?" Jesse demanded. There was an edge to his voice, hysteria, anger, loss.
"No. This didn't turn out the way it was suppose to be at all. I wanted all of you to be safe. I wanted to come home to see my children happy and unafraid. I wanted to not lose any of you," she finally said. Her eyes held unshed tears. She didn't cry at all during Anna's funeral service but now she was holding nothing bad.
"I am so sorry, for letting you go all these years because I was too wrapped around Kate. I am sorry for losing sight of everything else. I am sorry for making you feel like you or Anna didn't matter. I love you Jesse, you will always be my son," she ended.
Jesse wished so badly that his mother's word would make it easier but it didn't. He nodded hoping to show her it was enough for now but there was still so much damage.
For the first time in years, he allowed her to do the one thing that would break his defenses. She hugged him as tears fell from both their cheeks. Mourning for the loss of Anna.
Okay this is my first fanfic, so apologies if it is -insert what you think of it-
Okay...This is awkward