Disclaimer: I don't own Dissidia or Final Fantasy, they belong to Squareenix. If I did, I wouldn't be poor.
There's just a bunch of crack and hilarity in this story. OCS and characters from other series will appear. There will be random character bashing in the story.
Chapter 1: Let the madness begin!
In the world of conflict, the warriors of Cosmos and Chaos were planning their next attack on each other like they did every day. At first they were used to them, but after awhile it got annoying every time there was a meeting. Well, at least until Cosmos and Chaos looked liked they had something to say for both sides.
"My warriors" Chaos began happily, which was weird to all the warriors, "We have an answer to your request to end the conflict."
The news was happily greeted to the warriors, quite some time ago when they wanted a faster way to end the conflict for obvious reasons; it was only now that Chaos and Cosmos finally answered it.
"Well, what is the answer?" Tidus asked.
Chaos and Cosmos looked at each other before looking at their warriors.
"Well, we decided to start…normal lives." Cosmos answered.
All the warriors, both Cosmos and Chaos, looked at Cosmos for a good five seconds before, "WHAT!"
"NORMAL LIVES! You've got to be *deleted word* kidding me! No way in hell I'm going for normal lives to settle some pointless war!" Lightning cried out in fury.
"SILENCE, BITCH!" Chaos threw a fresh fireball at Lightning, which burnt her ashes, much to Cosmos' displeasure. "Anyway, before we interrupted by a certain pinkette, we decided to just screw it all and just go straight to normal lives. Plain and simple, no?"
All the warriors were dumbfounded at the thought of them living normal lives, some wanted to protest, but remembering what happen to Lightning a few moments ago, they decided not to, expect for, "WHAT! Normal lives? That's no fun! I want to destroy things, not start a normal life!" Complained a certain clown.
"QUIET YOU!" Shouted Chaos in fury as he fires Soul of Oblivion at Kefka, who soon became ashes, much to Terra's relief. "Anyway, this answer is the best because of the fact I've…um, well…"
"He's been losing all of his gil gambling." Cosmos finished for Chaos, much to his embarrassment.
"Chaos gambles?" Laguna and Gabranth asked simultaneously, surprised as the rest of the warriors minus Kefka and Lightning.
"Yes, and a lot," Cosmos continued to inform them, "He's been losing it all to some kid named Shinji, whoever that is."
"How would you know?" asked Kefka, who revived seconds after the information was spoken much to the warrior's surprise and Terra's dismay.
"WHAT THE-? HOW DID YOU JUST?" Vaan babbled at Kefka, wide eyed and surprised as the rest of the warriors were.
"Ask Cosy, pretty boy." Kefka deadpanned, which was weird.
Everyone turned to Cosmos immediately, to find her busy playing on a PSP she got from god knows where.
"So, what to do when we start our normal lives?" Squall asked with little interest.
"Well, we do need money." Chaos mentioned, when he remembered how he lost it all. 'One day, Shinji, one day...I will have my revenge!'
"I see. Now we know what to do when we go to new lives." Said Golbez, as he was in a thinker position.
"What is it, brother?" Cecil asked, curious as the rest as the warriors were.
"We have to…" Golbez paused in mid-sentence leaving the warriors in suspense, "…Look for a job."
"A job?" Yuna asked, confused as to what it was. Chaos then pulled out a large pile of papers and said," Yep, a job. And we have papers to get you guys all set such as resumés, birth certificates, biodatas, licenses, diplomas, and all that."
"Are you serious? You want us all to work like commoners!" Mateus cried in rage as his papers were handed to him.
"What's to be afraid of?" Sephiroth asked as he got his papers, "We were working for Chaos."
Kefka, who soon got his papers, was quick to taunt Mateus, " Aw, empy-wempy is afrwaid of getting powished and cwolored nails soiled! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Mateus then got nova-pissed at Kefka and assaulted him with an insane amount of dreary cells and flares, leaving Kefka an unrecognizable mess to those who laid eyes on him. Everyone ignored the clown's whimpers and groans of pain.
Warrior of Light approached Chaos and Cosmos after he glanced at his papers, "Where did you get all of this information?"
Vaan, Laguna, Tifa and Jecht sauntered over and took a look, "They most likely made up the information on and had these papers forged." Laguna inquired.
"Hmmph, Forgeries, "Mateus replied, obviously unamused, "What sort of jobs do the gods have planned for us?"
Gilgamesh took a look at his papers, "It seems we can get a job in any field we want."
Lightning, who was revived after Kefka, narrowed her eyes, "And just how the hell would you know about the different fields of study?"
Gilgamesh turned to the pinkette, "Are you underestimating the legendary Gilgamesh?"
"And what if I am, you samurai reject?" Lightning replied angrily.
"*GASP* YOU TAKE THAT BACK, PRINCESS PINKASAURUS!" Gilgamesh replied just as angry.
"Make me, you panty thief!" Lightning barked furiously.
Garland and Warrior of Light rolled their eyes as Lighting whipped out her Gunblade, while Gilgamesh got into fighting position. They were about to go at it until Squall, Cloud, Tidus and Bartz got in between and stopped them.
"Don't misinterpret our actions," Cosmos said as she and Chaos examined their warriors, "We're only doing this for your own good."
Sephiroth paid the gods no heed as he walked towards Golbez. Kain examined his paper and asked, "So you want us to go and work for a few months, years even, huh?"
"Yes." Cosmos and Chaos answered bluntly.
"I have no need for money," Exdeath stated, gaining the attention of the other warriors, "All I require is the power of the Void, nothing less than that."
"The same goes for us," Cloud of Darkness replied.
Chaos took a good look at the Void wielders and said, "You have no choice, we already have you signed all you a leave."
"And your point being?" Exdeath asked.
"Simple. If any of you dare to decline our generous offer, you'll have to face a very angry God of Discord and Goddess of Harmony."
There was a short silence from both sides as the warriors stared at the Gods. "Are you threatening us?" Lightning and CoD asked simultaneously.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Chaos burst out laughing before saying, "I don't make threats."
They stared at Chaos, not sure if to laugh or take him seriously, until Chaos and Cosmos flashed a glare with the fury of ten thousand hells and heavens and said, "WE DON'T MAKE THREATS! GET YOUR LAZY ASSES IN MOTHER*deleted word*ING GEAR AND GET A JOB!"
All the warriors who got the *deleted word* scared out of them nodded in response while the others either kept their cool or a straight face on them.
"Okay then!" Chaos said in a happy tone of voice, "Well, see ya in a few years!"
The warriors of Cosmos were dismissed in a pillar of light while the warriors of Chaos were dismissed in a pillar of flames.
And so begins the madness…
Like I said earlier, just a bunch of random *deleted word*. R&R if you got any good idea of jobs fitted for the warriors of Cosmos and warriors of Chaos. Inform me anyway you like to inform me. And this story was inspired after reading a bit of sin2cos21's Dissidia fan fiction, so I decided to make my version of it.