A/N Hey guys, multi chap fic containing WINCEST (You have been warned) pre-series (Sam 17 Dean 21) Reviews are love!

Disclaimer: I do not own supernatural I just rent for my own twisted desires

Dean Winchester had a secret. It was a horrible awful secret that he could never tell anyone. It was a secret that made him ashamed of himself and question his manhood. Dean Winchester kept a diary.

Ok no not a diary, that was way to girly. Diaries are for pre-teens who gush about their favorite boy bands or emo kids like Sammy. Dean kept a journal, like his father except instead of writing about monsters he wrote about the day to day shit that happened to him.

When they are traveling Dean keeps it at the bottom of his personal weapons duffel hidden at the bottom of a box of ammo. Sam didn't go on hunts or trained without John or Dean so he never had any reason to dig that far in the bag.

Recently they had been staying in a small apartment John was renting because they would be in town for a few months while Sam finished out his junior year. John had been gone for about two weeks and needed to take the bag so Dean had hidden it in one of the pillow case on his bed. Even though they shared a room Sammy had his own bed so the diary err…journal should be safe.

Dean had an image to uphold. Dean was a sexy macho ladies man and even when it was just him and his family he had a certain persona he wanted to project. He was the older brother, the protector, the perfect little soldier; it didn't do anyone any good to sit around discussing fears and wants and feelings. However, he was human and he did have those things running around in his head and he figured it would be better if he wrote them down and got them out so they couldn't distract him from the important things.

Dean was always honest in his journal, if he wasn't then what was the fucking point? The whole reason he even wrote in one was so he could have some place to bitch and complain and vent his girly issues where no one would judge him. It was hard to be completely honest sometimes but if he went through all the effort of packing away the thing, hiding it, writing in it when Sammy was in school or even sneaking it into the bathroom when Sammy was home on weekends, then he was sure as hell going to make it worthwhile.


Sam was surprised when he came home from school and Dean wasn't home. It wasn't panic worthy, since Sam had turned 17 Dean didn't pick him up at school or wait for him anxiously but it was unusual Dean wasn't home.

Upon further inspection Sam found a note on the kitchen table that Dean was working late at the garage job he got when they first moved here (since they were going to be here for a while why not earn some decent cash?) and that he would bring home dinner. Sam smiled at that. Typical Dean, working a late shift and he still thought about what Sam was going to eat.

Dean's thoughtfulness was one of a million reasons why Sam loved his brother. Sam really, REALLY loved his brother. He was practically over the moon for Dean but those were feelings he stopped trying to examine years ago. So what if he got his first hard on to hearing Dean jerk off in the bathroom? That's perfectly normal. Ok maybe not PERFECTLY normal but it isn't TOO weird. It doesn't matter that Sam goes out of his way to make Dean laugh and smile because it does something warm to his stomach, Dean was his best friend of course he wants him to be happy. Of course there were the times Sam got a little jealous over the girls Dean hooks up with but that was fine a lot of little brothers get jealous when their older brother gets laid.

Right? Except he wasn't jealous of Dean because he got girls, he was jealous of the girls because they got Dean.

No big deal…yeah right.

Anyway, Sam had come to terms with all of that. He knew how he felt and he knew it would never happen. If Dean ever knew how Sam felt he would leave him and Sam was not willing to lose his big brother. Regardless he still did his best to make Dean happy and since it was Friday and he didn't have to do homework Sam decided to straighten up so the apartment could be semi clean without Dean having to do housework (as if he ever would anyway).

Sam started with the kitchen. They didn't have a dishwasher so he attacked the mound of dirty plates first. From there he moved onto the living room, picking up magazines and DVD cases, he even vacuumed the remains of an ill-fated popcorn fight the brothers had the night before. Sam skipped over John's room since it has barely been used and he would be mad if either of them went in there anyway and went straight for his and Dean's room.

The room itself wasn't horribly messy. The two of them didn't have many possessions and the ones they did have were mostly weapons and they certainly didn't leave those lying around. At this point though, Sam was on kind of a cleaning kick so he looked around for something to do. After a moment his gaze settled on Dean's sheets. How many times had Dean come home from some dirty bar and fell into bed without even washing his face? Too many to count and Sam was pretty sure he had never washed these sheets.

Sam stripped the comforter and then the sheets. After a moment's hesitation he started to remove both of the pillow cases as well, but stopped when something heavy fell out.

It looked like…a journal? It was faded brown leather held together with a Velcro strap. Not the most expensive thing in the world but from the looks of it the owner had opened and used it often. Sam was stunned. This had fallen from Dean's pillow case but certainly it couldn't be Deans. Obviously there was one way he could find out for sure but Sam couldn't open it, it wasn't his. He was about to put it down but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Sam was an awesome little brother, he even used to do Deans homework! Once in a while he deserved to do some of the things bratty little brothers were supposed to do.

Sam opened up the journal to a random page:

Dad left me behind AGAIN. He said it was so I could take care of Sam but Sammy is 16 and this was a simple salt and burn one town over! It would be two days tops and I know he may not need me on this one but she still should have taken me. Something could have gone wrong and even if it didn't I need to be there on these things. Dad says I don't have enough experience to hunt on my own but he won't let me go on any hunts to get experience! Sometimes I could just tell dad off. Oh well, at least I get to hang out with Sammy.

Sam smiled at that. Dean wrote exactly how he spoke; it was almost as if the two were standing there having a conversation. He flipped foreword a few pages and read again.

I fucked a chick last night. Her name was Brandi or Brittany or something stupid like that. This girl was so easy she let me do it behind the bar, told me I didn't even need to wear a condom. Obviously I did, it was clear that chick did it often enough to have something. It was ok, I sort of wanted to stop the moment I got started. Her voice was too feminine; it was like that really annoying pitch where it almost sounds fake, like the girl is forcing it to sound that way. She had streaky blonde hair, I am so sick of blondes. I need to spend less time at the bars and more time hanging out with Sam, it's just more fun.

Sam smiled again but he also felt a little confused. Hanging out with him was more fun than going to the bar? Yeah right, Dean was probably drunk when he wrote that. Sam flipped through it again and stopped at a more recent entry when he saw his name.

Sam is trying to kill me! I swear the kid sits up at night and plots ways to make me suffer. He usually takes showers in the morning before school and that's fine I am usually either asleep or out. The kid switched it up tonight; he took one right before bed. He walked in wearing nothing but a towel acting like it was no big deal, I had to practically fist the sheets to stop myself from jumping him. He didn't even have the decency to towel off first, he still had water running down his chest for christs'sake! I am such a sick fucking freak he is my baby brother and I am staring at him like some fucking pedophile at Chuckee Cheese. The kid drives me crazy, I love him, what the fuck do I do?

Sam stared at the page open mouthed. At some point while reading that he had sat down on the bed but he couldn't remember doing it. Dean wanted him? DEAN wanted him? Dean wanted HIM? How was this even possible! Sam's mind instantly started playing fantasies of the two of them together but he banished the thoughts. Dean may (MAY) want him, but it was clear he was scared. What should Sam do?

He could go tell him he feels the same way, but he would have to tell Dean he read his diary (well journal, Dean would kill him if he knew Sam called it a diary). Maybe it was worth it, but Sam didn't want to pressure Dean into anything. Even if Dean couldn't accept his feelings he would do it to make Sam happy and that's not what Sam wants. Sam wants Dean to initiate things between them willingly. So no, Sam couldn't let Dean know he knew.

There was one thing he could do. It was obvious Dean wrote in this thing almost every day. Sam could put it back and then try to drive Dean crazy. Dean would write about it and Sam could see if it was working and what he should do better.

Sam would make Dean break and come to him first, a Winchester never left a job unfinished, and Dean was Sam's new project.