A/N I have no words…I suck. Sorry for the absence everyone. I had to change my name due to a problem of a personal nature so I hope it doesn't confuse anyone! This is the last chapter, it is a little different from the others (Dean's POV instead of Sam's) but I hope you guys enjoy it I am actually really proud of it…so don't burst my bubble Chapter is rated R!

Dean Winchester was good at a lot of things.

He could nail a harpy between the eyes fifty feet away (and those bastards were tricky). When they were kids and were allowed to have gum his bubbles were way bigger than Sam's, stupid kid always just ended up spitting out the gum. His car purred like a kitten because of how obsessed he was with maintaining the engine. When Sam was a baby nobody was better than him at getting the kid to take a bath. He could salt and burn a set of bones like nobody's business and he always, always guessed the end to monster movies.

But the thing Dean was best at? Holding a grudge.

The first couple of days after he found his little brother turned lover (wow still hard to get used to THAT one) reading his oh so manly journal Dean had given him the deep freeze. It was not just any silent treatment; oh no it was the Winchester special: no talking, no eye contact, absolutely no acknowledging the other person was even there. Winchester men have perfected this art, which meant Sam knew exactly what he was in for.

At first Sam left Dean alone, he probably figured Dean would lose some steam eventually. If Sam were still just his annoying kid brother he probably wouldn't have even lasted two days but things were different now, Sam saw things Dean never meant for anyone to see.

If there was one thing Dean was bad at, it was being embarrassed. Even worse than that, being vulnerable.

So Dean went right on his merry way freezing Sam out. Sure if Sam actually needed something Dean helped him in the most proficient way possible, God he still loved the kid he would never let anything happen to him.

Anything more than what was necessary? Dean was done playing that game.

After the freeze out hit the one week mark Sam must have gotten fed up because he started trying to…entice Dean. Showers timed so he could walk through the bedroom in a towel, conveniently dropping things so he could slowly pick them back up, Christ their daily lives became like a prelude to a porno.

Not that Dean didn't look; he was pissed not made of stone. All that tan skin (how did the kid keep that up in winter anyway?) Dean would have had to been castrated to not look…and even then he was sure he would have felt some phantom pains down there at the site of Sam's perfectly formed ass.

Aaaaaaand he was getting way off topic.

When the seduce the brother thing back fired, it was then Sam seemed to really panic. He started asking Dean for help with his homework (yeah right the kid had been helping Dean with his homework since sixth grade) faking sick (another epic fail, come on Dean invented that thermometer in the hot water trick) basically doing anything and everything to try to get them not just back to being lovers, but back to being friends.

So that's the short and long of it. That's how they got to where they are today, one month since the journal incident and Dean hadn't so much as cracked a smile in Sammy's direction. Come to think of it this whole ramble would have made a great entry; instead he was stuck thinking in monologues like a loon.

"Dean enough of this!" Sam stormed into the current dump they were renting face red and eyes wild.

Dramatic entrance, right on time.

"Do you need help with something Sam?" Dean tried to keep his voice level and not notice how good his brother looked in a plain black t-shirt. Had he been working out? His muscles were coming in nicely…no stop it!

"Yeah I need help finding my brother because obviously he has been replaced by some sort of shifter!"

"Sam that's ridiculous, go get a silver dagger and I will prove to you it is the same old me." Dean tried to hide his wince because he knew even as he said it that it was a lie. He hasn't been the same in a month, not since the one person he thought would never hurt him betrayed his trust.

"Dean I'm sorry I hurt you," Sam said as he got down on his knees in front of Dean, his hazel eyes pleading. "I'm sorry I ruined this thing between us."

Do not break, do not break, do not break. Do not get sucked into the awesome powers of Sam's puppy dog eyes. They are not that cute! Who was he kidding those eyes could have caused the fall of Rome instead of….uhh whatever caused the fall of Rome.

"Dean," Sam whispered, daring to reach forward and take his brothers hand. "Even if we can't be…like that again, can't we go back to being best friends?"

For a split second Dean considered, and if his deadly sin hadn't been pride he may have accepted.

"We're brothers Sam," he said gruffly, taking back his hand and standing up. "We were never friends."

Dean left quickly so he wouldn't have to see the heart break on the face of the one person he loved most in this world.


During the day when Sam was at school were the only moments Dean could breathe. It was hard to front all the time that he wasn't as affected by this whole thing as Sam was.

After making sure Sam left for school Dean sighed and made his way back into the bedroom. God he was tired, he had things to research for the hunt his dad was currently on but first he was going to fall into a sleep coma.

His bed apparently had different plans because when he collapsed onto it, something hard jabbed him in the back.

What the f-

There was an open book on his bed, damn Sam and his text books. Dean was about to toss it onto his brothers be when he noticed the leather bound book was too small to be a text book, and the pages appeared to be handwritten.

Alright how do I start this off? Dear Journal? Slightly cliché but better than nothing I suppose.

Dear Journal,

My name is Sam Winchester and a brilliant hunter one told me that all good hunters must keep a journal so I figured I might as well get used to it.

Holy shit, Sam started a journal? His first thought was to immediately chuck it across the room like the thing was a bible and he had one hell of a demon riding his meat suit. Then again…Sam DID leave this open on HIS bed…obviously the kid wanted him to see this.

Even if he didn't…eye for an eye and all that.

No, no it's wrong to read this it is PRIVATE and he will not sink to Sam's level.

He did have a few hours before Sam got home…

NO Dean Winchester was not a hypocrite!

Who the hell was he kidding of course he was…

Journal I did a really stupid thing last week. I read something of Dean's that was private and personal. Once would have been bad enough but I didn't just stop at one time. The thing you have to know about Dean is he is so incredibly strong. So strong in fact, that it is difficult for anyone to get past that outer armor. When I read his journal, it was like a road map to this amazing land I had been looking for, for years. I knew it was wrong but seeing into the mind of someone I love so very much with their defenses down, show me the man who could resist that bounty.

Jeeze Sam wrote like a girl, all flowery and poetic and shit. At the same time it was so very Sam that it made his heart clench.

They saw knowledge is power and power requires responsibility. I was not responsible with this power, I used it cruelly and I lied about it. I convinced myself it was okay because the end result was something worth the deceit but I know now that nothing is worth the look on Dean's face when he realized what I had done. I would rather we had gone our entire lives without ever becoming romantically involved than seeing that look on Dean's face. I need someone to talk to so I guess that will be you journal and if one day Dean finds you and reads you, sure I will be mortified because I know how much of a pansy I sound like, but at least he will know how much I regret what I have done.

There were no tears in his eyes, nope not a single one. Obviously the room got all blurry because he needs contacts or some shit. Sam's journal wasn't half as full as Dean's but he did have a few entries in there and at this point Dean couldn't stop reading if he wanted too.

Dean made me dinner today. He didn't just frozen meal it or greasy diner food he actually cooked me dinner. He didn't speak to me the entire time and took his plate into the bedroom but the fact that he cooked me dinner has to mean something right? You don't put that kind of effort into something for someone you don't care about. God, maybe I am reading to much into things. I could have sliced off Dean's finger and he would still take care of me. I remember when we were younger, gosh I must have been five and Dean nine, I would always ask for spaghetti. I would ask every night and every night Dean would say he didn't know how to make it until one night I must have worn him down because he proudly served us the crunchiest spaghetti in the world…it was the best thing I had ever eaten. That's just how Dean is you know? He didn't just want to take care of me; he wanted to make me happy. I can't remember a time where I wasn't in love with Dean. It's always been him, even when he grew older and we lost some of that closeness, for me it was always just Dean.

Dean let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding. He remembered that day; they were in a dingy hotel that didn't have a kitchen so he tried to boil the water for the pasta with a lighter. God he was stupid kid…and yet…the smile on Sammy's chubby little face had been so worth it.

I wonder if there is such a thing as soul mates. I know the concept is utterly ridiculous but at the same time I feel this pull towards Dean that is more than just the familial bond. All of my major life events are centered around Dean, including the most terrifying moment of my life. Dad was on a hunt, I was about ten years old and Dean was bitching because he made us stay in the car. At 14 Dean thought he was invincible and ready to be out there with our Father. It turned out the local authorities were also tracking this thing and of course in a fit of panic when faced with something they didn't understand, the police started firing. It must have been a rogue bullet or something because in the blink of an eye Dean was hit. Now I know it was only a shoulder wound but God the blood was everywhere and I was convinced Dean was dying. Dad rushed us to the hospital but I was crying to hard I couldn't breathe. I kept begging Dean not to die and I still remember what he said to me "Hey Sammy why are you crying? I'm not gonna die buddy, as long as your heart is still beating my heart is still beating. I will never leave you."

"What are you reading?" Dean whipped around to find Sam standing in the doorway, backpack slung casually over his shoulder.

"Sammy," Dean whispered, voice clogged with emotion.

"Look Dean I know I'm supposed to be at school but-"

The kid never got a chance to finish the sentence.

Dean was on him like a heat seeking missile. He threw his entire body into the kiss, hips meeting hips, hands in Sam's ridiculously long hair, tongue thrusting into his baby brother's mouth.

"Dean," Sam gasped, trying to kiss him and talk to him at the same time. "Dean I am so sorry."

"I'm sorry," Dean whispered while kissing down the side of his neck. "I am such a shit."

"No you, ah! Had every right to be a-angry," Sam stuttered out.

"Shut up Sammy," Dean growled, grabbing Sam's ass and hoisting him up against the wall.

The two men kissed until they were panting for breath and the only oxygen available seemed to be in the other one's mouth.

"Do you want me to take you Sammy?" Dean whispered darkly in his brother's ear. There were so many reasons not to do it. They had just reconnected it was too soon, Sam was too young, etc. but all Dean could think about was finally claiming this amazing man in every way possible.

"Yes," Sam groaned, pushing off against the wall and sending the pair tumbling towards Dean's bed.

The moment they hit the bed Dean made quick work of both their clothes, practically ripping his brother's boxers from his waist. Sam was rock hard and so ready for him, Dean had to remind himself he wasn't dealing with a seasoned pro here despite the pornographic sounds his brother was making.

"Fuck I don't have any lube," Dean muttered, glancing around the room wildly for something they can use.

"Wait," Sam said as he reached into his back pack, producing a small bottle of lubricant.

"What the…you planned this!"

"Don't be mad," Sam begged as a blush hit his cheeks. "It wasn't a plan more like a last ditch attempt to win you back."

"Oh you are going to be sorry for that baby boy," Dean growled playfully, "another day. Today we go nice and slow."

Sam nodded no fear in his eyes, only desire. Dean slicked up his finger and nudged at Sam's hole, all the while whispering in the boy's ear.

Sam winced at the discomfort but the Winchesters were seasoned pro's at pain and soon Dean had three fingers inserted.

'Wait for it Sammy," he muttered, moving his fingers around looking for that one spot. "Wait for it…"

Sam gasped and jumped half way off the bed before his muscles turned to jello.

"Dean," he groaned, thrusting wantonly onto his brother's hand.

"Bada bing," Dean grinned before removing his hand and placing himself at his brother's entrance.

Dean kept one hand on his brother's cock, stroking him back to full hardness as he nudged his way inside.

Sam winced and tightened like a vice on his brother's cock but Dean kept talking him through it. Eventually the whispered words of encouragement got through to Sam and he loosened up enough for Dean to become full encased within Sam's heat.

Dean would like to say the sex was long and beautiful but in reality he didn't last long at all. He did manage to hold off long enough to let the combination of stroking Sam's length and fucking his prostate make Sam cum, but the moment that happened he was a goner.

They lay there in the aftermath both of them panting and entwined, neither of them having the strength nor the will to move.

"Sorry I read your journal Sammy," Dean said as he kissed the top of his brother's head.

"I'm not," Sam grinned before wincing as Dean's cock slipped free. "Oh man I hope Dad does not make me do squat thrusts tomorrow."

The brother's were silent for a moment before both cracking up, shattering the last of the tension.

"This month sucked," Sam said quietly once the laughter had died.

"I know Sam, I was a prick."

Sam was silent a moment too long for Dean's taste.

"What's on your mind baby boy?"

"Dean," Sam whispered, not meeting his brother's eyes. "Are you going to leave me again?"

Dean's expression immediately sobered as he turned to face his brother.

"No Sammy," he whispered, putting his hand on his brother's chest. "As long as your heart is still beating mine is still beating because it is the same heart. I will never leave you."

Sam's eyes watered although he smiled through the tears.

"No chick flick moments Dean."

A/N Not going to lie I may have teared up a few times while writing this. Please review and let me know if you liked it even though I am a butt head! Also I know some of you will think Dean was too hard on Sam but come on we all know Dean Winchester is the master of the deep freeze and he never once actually neglected Sam's needs.