"Can I kill him later?" Remus said. "Or maybe not kill. If you hold him down I'll just maim him a little bit, and I promise I won't bite him."

Sirius laughed and looked at him. "You actually said that yourself that time. When you think things aloud, it does sound different."

"Does it?"

"Yeah. It's not as loud, so we can always yell over you if you say anything, er, problematic."

Remus covered his eyes with his hand. "Oh, god, I've nearly exposed myself twice already. I don't even realise I'm doing it, either. Maybe you should just leave me and go to Transfiguration with Prongs and Wormy. Because if I start talking about you without realising it, I'm leaving school and entering a monastery."

"You're not leaving school and I am not leaving you on your own like this. Don't worry. If you start to say anything bad, I'll stop you, all right? I promise."

Remus looked at him sceptically but nodded. They made their way up the main staircase. The corridors were empty, thankfully, and Remus was desperately trying to refrain from talking to himself and keep his mind blank. It wasn't working very well.

He sighed. "I'm so buggered. Not just James. I mean this potion thing. It was really complicated, but we did everything right and I still bollocksed it up. I'm cursed, Padfoot."

"It's more like a spell than a curse."

Remus rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean. He always does that. Make jokes. Okay, sometimes they're funny, but right now this is anything but funny. I should have had Slughorn take me back because having him this close to me when I could blurt anything out without realising it is really starting to—

"Stop it, Lupin. Think of anything else, think of ... apples. Apples are good. Red and juicy, sometimes green and tart, and you love the way they crunch when he bites into one with those pointy eye teeth and his red lips ... and okay, maybe not apples then. Come on, Lupin, think of something safe ... safe, what's safe? Transfiguration, which is where you should be, if it wasn't for James, that prat. McGonagall is not going to be pleased. McGonagall, she's safe. Right, think about McGonagall.

"Okay, what about McGonagall then? Anything that doesn't make you think of snogging Sirius, which is stupid because Transfiguration's his best subject, though he's good in just about everything, isn't he, though I'm a bit better at Runes than he is, and we're about even in Defence, and you're supposed to be thinking of McGonagall, but it's hard because all I can see is her yelling at Sirius, but that was such a brilliant prank, I knew he could— Right. McGonagall. McGonagall. McGonagall, does she wear tartan knickers, do you think?"

Beside him, Sirius started laughing. He stopped walking and dragged Remus over to the wall, leant his back against it, and bent over in half, holding his stomach.

"What the hell is so fun—?" All the blood drained from Remus' face. "You said you'd stop me if I said anything bad! You promised! God damn it, where is that bloody trap door? Why did I spend so much time worrying over potions when I could have learnt how to do that spell instead? It must be written down in a book somewhere. I need one that leads to a monastery."

"I— You—" Sirius' face was red and his eyes were tearing as he looked up at Remus before doubling over again. "Oh, Merlin, I'm sorry, Moony. But—" He sniffed and wiped his sleeve across his eyes as he stood up. "Do you really think like this all the time?" His expression changed suddenly to one of alarm, and he grabbed Remus' wrist. "Oh, shit. Come on!" he said and took off running, dragging Remus along.

"Wait! Do you want me to be sick? Padfoot, I—"

"Here," Sirius said as they turned a sharp corner, Remus nearly careening into the wall, and pulled out his wand. "Dissendium,"he said, skidding to a stop beside the statue of the humpbacked witch, her secret passage gaping open but partially obstructed by a gaudy looking scarf. Sirius pushed Remus inside head first and dived in after him, the scarf covering Remus' face so he couldn't see a thing. He heard the entrance hole shut behind them as they slid down the ramp in the dark, landing at the bottom in a crumpled heap on the dirt floor.

"What—?" Remus asked, tugging the scarf from his face, rolling over and rubbing the top of his head. "Ow."

"The Meddling Mistletoe. Two of them were coming right for us."

"Oh. Good thinking," Remus said, lying on his back and looking up into the darkness. It was bloody cold in the tunnel and he shivered. "Of course he didn't want to kiss you, you idiot. He's Sirius Black, not a bloody poofter. He was laughing at you, too. When's the last time you saw him laugh like that anyway? A year if not more. Well, at least you're good for something." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Padfoot. You probably think I'm some perverted lecher now. I didn't ... I mean, I—

"Shit. Now he knows you fancy him. And you still can't even say it out loud. This is it. The end of everything. It was nice having friends for a little while, at least."


Remus closed his eyes against the sudden glare from Sirius' wand.

"You really are daft, aren't you? You're good for a lot of things."

"Such as? Besides embarrassing myself."

He felt something tickle his cheek and he opened his eyes. Sirius' hair was hanging down and brushing against Remus, his face dangerously close, eyes dark and solemn. He sucked in his breath. "What are you doing? Too close, he's too close. If I just lifted my head up a couple inches ... You can't. Oh, why does he have to be so bloody gorgeous?"

"This," Sirius said softly, and he leant down and kissed Remus on his lips.

"Oh my god. I'm kissing Sirius Black. I must have hit my head harder than I thought."

Sirius drew back and climbed on top of Remus, straddling him and laying his wand on the ground above their heads. "Are we going to snog, or are you going to think at me?"


"Right. That's it. No more talking. No more thinking either."


He was cut off by Sirius' lips pressing hard against his. He opened his mouth to ask Sirius if he really knew what he was doing, and Sirius, taking full advantage, slipped his tongue inside Remus' mouth. "Well, okay then. I guess he does. Ohhh, he really does."

"Moony," Sirius mumbled into his mouth, and Remus closed his eyes, kissing him back, thinking of nothing but Sirius' lips, and Sirius' tongue, and Sirius' hand, gentle against his cheek. He reached up and wrapped his arms around Sirius' back.

"I'm dreaming and I never, ever want to wake up."

"I'm going to have to Petrify you, aren't I?"

"I'd still be conscious. I can't help it. How am I supposed to not think when you're sitting on top of me and snogging me? Come to think of it, why are you snogging me, exactly?"

"Didn't you want me to?"

"Well, of course I did, you nitwit, but I didn't think you wanted to. Er, you just heard that, didn't you."

Sirius laughed and tweaked Remus' nose. He sighed softly. "Well, I did. Didn't know you wanted to until today."

"Oh." Remus swallowed audibly. "Why'd you run from the mistletoe then?"

Sirius ducked his head and looked away.

Remus frowned. "What? Did I say something embarrassing again?"

"No. I just. Well, one of the reasons I was so eager to make it when James ... I thought ... Well, I'd planned, actually ..."

"Planned what?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Now you're just being annoying. You know damn well what I was going to say."

"I can't hear your thoughts, you know. It's not exactly fair, either."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Are you always this slow?"

"Apparently," Remus said. "I— You're not taking the piss are you? Because of this potion thing?"

"I know I can be a bit of a bastard—"

"A bit?"

"Shut it, you," Sirius said, squeezing Remus' cheeks together and smooshing his lips.

"Okay, okay," he said, grabbing Sirius' wrist. "It's not my fault though."

Sirius ran his finger across Remus' bottom lip. "You've a wicked mind, Moony. I like that."

"Wait till you find out just how wicked." Remus lifted his head and bit Sirius' finger gently, and Sirius grinned. "But you still didn't tell me why we ran from the mistletoe just now."

Sirius huffed. "Because after you so eloquently confessed, I decided I didn't want our first kiss to be coerced, all right?"

Remus grinned. "Sirius Black, the closet romantic. I never would have guessed."

"I'm not the only one who was in a bloody closet."

"Touché," Remus said softly, tracing Sirius' wrist with his finger. "You gonna kiss me again?"

"You going to stop think-talking this time?


"Maybe I should try a silencing charm," Sirius said, leaning down and kissing him again.

"Mmmm." Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius' back, pressing him against his chest. He smiled and thought of Sirius' lips, licking across them and sliding his tongue in Sirius' mouth.

Sirius made some indeterminate noise in the back of his throat, and Remus responded in kind, exploring every corner of Sirius' mouth that he could find.

"Mmmm. He's a really good kisser. I hope he doesn't think I'm pants at it. And he's got the softest lips, too. Mine are always so chapped, especially in winter. How does he get them that soft? Is it a spell? Or—Oh, god, who says this kind of shite?" Remus said, breaking the kiss. "Stop laughing!"

Sirius was shaking, his forehead resting against Remus' chest. "Can't help it, Moony. Merlin, you're killing me. I can't decide if I want to brain James or give him a big wet kiss for this potion accident."

"You kiss him, I'll brain him."

"You wouldn't be jealous?" Sirius asked, lifting his head.

"As long as you keep your tongue to yourself. With James. Definitely not with me."

Sirius grinned. "What do you want me to do with my tongue then?"

"Don't even think it. He'll think you're a bloody pervert!"

"I already know you're a pervert," He inched his way up Remus' body, dragging his pelvis against Remus' hard prick.

Remus made a strangled noise in his throat. "Oh, god! Don't stop!"

"Like that, do you? Mmmm." He licked his way up Remus' throat, over his chin and up to his lips. "I never knew it would be this entertaining snogging you."

"Entertaining, is it? So when this wears off, you're suggesting I'll be dull, is that it?"

Sirius grinned. "Not if you promise to tell me how soft my lips are at least once a day."

Remus narrowed his eyes. "I'm never snogging you again."


"Am not. McGonagall's tartan knickers, McGonagall's tartan knickers."

Sirius shifted and dragged his hard cock against Remus'.

"Oh, fuck."

"I thought you'd never ask," Sirius said, covering Remus' mouth with his own and sliding his tongue inside.

It wasn't too difficult to keep from thinking because the only thing on his mind was Sirius. It was the strangest thing, as though he was watching them kiss, but from the inside. Feeling and seeing at the same time, lips and tongues entangled, the barest scrape of teeth, soft moans, and more lips and tongue. At first he was afraid to move simply because he wanted this moment to last as long as possible. Then Sirius shifted again and Remus' mind went blank.

On instinct, Remus raised his arms and wrapped them around Sirius' back, one hand in Sirius' hair at the back of his neck, the other stretching down his lower back desperate to press him down even harder against his cock. He tried to bend his legs, but his robes were caught under Sirius' weight.

"Get them off. I need to move. Off, now!" Clearly Sirius agreed, because he raised his body and was trying to pull Remus' robes up one-handed. Remus wasted no time in scrabbling at the back of Sirius' robes and rucking them up over his hips as he lifted his own hips off the ground. He didn't care about the dirt floor or anything else; only Sirius and his cock which was ... inside his pants.

"Bugger. Pants. Off, dammit. Where's my wand so I can just bloody Vanish them both?"

Sirius sat up and Remus reached for him. "Don't—"

"I can't take 'em off while I'm straddling you," Sirius said, his voice just as breathless as Remus'. "They're not that elastic. And I don't trust either of us to Vanish anything right now. Give us a second."

"That's five. Get back here," he thought, though he too was busy kicking at his own pants, bending his left leg and peeling them off. "Aha!" He didn't bother with the right leg.

Sirius—already pantsless—was trying to lift his robes over his head, but Remus was far too impatient. He grabbed Sirius by the front of his robes and pulled him down on top of him, and Sirius had to grab onto Remus' shoulders so he wouldn't fall.

"Merlin's balls, Moony, are you trying to kill me?"

"Less about Merlin's bollocks, more about mine. Mmmph—"

More snogging, messier this time, but Remus didn't care. In fact, it all felt rather brilliant. "Unggggh! Oh, please. Please don't stop"

He tilted his hips and thrust hard up against Sirius, his heels digging in to the dirt floor, his fingers clenched in Sirius' bunched-up robes. Sirius was on his knees, straddling him, thrusting back, though not just thrusting. His hips moved in a circle, and he dragged his lips away from Remus' mouth to his neck. He scraped his teeth against the thin skin and bit down at the juncture of neck and shoulder. Then there was more tongue and lips and sucking, and Remus groaned, trying to mimic Sirius' circular motion with his hips, plucking at his robes until his hands touched the warm, bare skin of Sirius' arse.

"I can't, oh, god, I can't. Mmmm, harder, harder, ah, fuck, yes, I ... ohh." He knew Sirius could hear him, but he couldn't help it and wouldn't have stopped even if he could. There were no words to describe how it felt and he couldn't think beyond the prickling radiating from his lower spine. Sirius' cock was so hard and it was pressed alongside his, sliding, rubbing.

"Oh god, Padfoot, more, please ..."

He felt sweat beading on his chest beneath his robes and he strained his hips, bucking hard, but Sirius met him, rutting hard and sucking on his neck ...

"C—come—coming." He gave one last thrust upward and arched his back, gasping as his body just pulsed, his fingers pressing into Sirius' back. He felt lighter than air and heavier than water, both at the same time, languid and fluid.

Sirius lifted himself up, grasping Remus by the shoulders and thrusting at a furious pace, his head hung, hair wet with sweat as it fell against Remus' chin. His voice was rough and sounded like a sob when he said, "Fuck, Moony."

"Yes, yes. Don't stop. You have to come now."

Remus, elbows bent, helped brace Sirius under his arms, holding him up with hands flat against his chest, urgency at the breathlessness of Sirius' voice spurring him on, forcing him to move, hips circling, sliding, their cocks wet and slick. It was dizzying, and he felt as though he was moving in slow motion, as though his body wasn't his own. Sirius threw his head back and arched, coming with a groan that sent shivers up Remus' spine. He could feel it against his stomach, warm and wet, and he wished Sirius was lying flat atop him so he could wrap his legs around him and never let go.

Sirius lowered himself on shaking arms, collapsing at the last with a huff of breath. "Next time," he said against Remus' chest.

Remus' arms fell back against the dirt floor, bent at his sides in a 'V'. Not even Fiendfyre could get him to move right now. "Next time what?"

"You can wrap your legs around me."

Remus sucked in his breath. "Oh, god, did I say that out loud, too?"

"You said a lot of things out loud."

"Oh, god."

"You said that a lot, too."

"Oh, god!"

"Found religion, have you? I liked it. You're a very naughty boy, Moony. Nasty old thoughts running through that head of yours. Made it really hard not to come first."

"Was it a competition, then? I don't know if I should be mortified or pleased by that. Way to go, Lupin. You just shagged Sirius Black. You can die now. Well, maybe not just yet. Can't die before he sucks you off, can you? You've only imagined it half a hundred times."

He felt Sirius chuckling against him, and the heat rose to his face. He twitched the fingers of his right hand but couldn't muster the energy to smack himself in the head like he wanted to. He closed his eyes and grimaced.

"Make me stop. I didn't mean it."

"Not a chance," Sirius said, his right arm inching beneath Remus' robe and coming to rest against his nipple. He rubbed his finger over it and Remus' whole body twitched.

"S—Sirius!" He opened his eyes wide. His legs were like icicles now that they'd stopped moving, but he couldn't quite bring himself to care with Sirius' warm body weighing the rest of him down.

"Like that, do you? Mmm, good. I'll have to remember that." Sirius lifted his head, resting his chin on his other hand. "Think at me some more, Moony. What else do you want to do with me, eh?"


"Everything?" Sirius said, and Remus could hear the amusement in his voice. "Such as?"

"Where'd your wand get off to?" Remus said, groping above his head. "I'm going to stun myself."


James jerked up from where he'd been rummaging in Remus' trunk as they lumbered into the dormitory.

"Where the hell have you been? And where's the map? Peter just went to check if you'd gone to the hospital wing." He motioned to Remus' bed where a tray of food was set.

Sirius opened his mouth, but before he could speak, Remus' echoing mind-voice said, "For fuck's sake, Lupin, don't tell him you've been shagging! Ooh. Food! I'm definitely peckish.".

"What? Shagging?" James said, turning and narrowing his eyes at Sirius. "And here I was worried that he was actually ill! You let him out to shag some bird?"

"Worried my arse. He was afraid you were going to tell Lily about that time in the Prefect's bath when he was hiding under the cloak. Maybe you should tell him you were shagging Lily just to see his face. Mmmm! Steak and kidney pie! My favourite!"

"That's it. Silencio!"

Sirius shook his head and rubbed his lip, failing to hide his grin.

"Prongs is such a tosser." Remus took a bite of pie and smacked his lips, closing his eyes and swallowing. "Mmmmm, delicious. He thinks he's the only one allowed to take the piss. Just you wait. One day I'll get you but good. Only he can hear this just fine, so I don't have to wait. See how you like it, antler boy. Think you can Silence me, do you?" He swallowed another mouthful and scooped up some more, then turned to Sirius, smiling sweetly, and thought really loudly, "Want some, Padfoot? It's delicious."

Remus held his fork out to Sirius, glancing at James over his shoulder with a look of triumph. James stared back, gaping.

Sirius barked out a laugh and opened his mouth, slowly closing his lips over the tines. He chewed and swallowed and winked at Remus. He took out his wand and murmured, "Finite Incantatum. It's futile, Prongs. And anyway, Moony's already tried it on himself."

"Can't we ask Dumbledore if he knows any useful spells?" James asked, desperate.

"Yes, because I'd want to see Dumbledore right now so I can fail at not thinking about everything we've ever done under his nose, including your little animagus project. That would go over well. We'd all be expelled. Much better to stay here and eat steak and kidney pie and shag Sirius some more for afters."

"My kind of plan," Sirius said.

James narrowed his eyes. "Wait a minute. Where were you really?"

"Shagging, like Moony said."

"Quit taking the piss, would you? And if silencing charms don't work, can't we just try a gagging charm or something? And why have you got dirt all over your robes? Jesus Christ, you weren't really shagging, were you?"

Remus ate another bite, chewing slowly and deliberately not looking at James. "Oh, no. He doesn't sound very accepting. You didn't plan this out very well, did you. What if he's not all right with this? What if he hates you and thinks you're a bloody pervert who corrupted his best friend? Should have thought of a cover story. Should have—"

"Relax, Moony," Sirius said, taking Remus' chin and turning him to face him. "He knows already. Well, about me at least. Has for a while now." He looked past Remus' shoulder at James. "And we're not charming anything over Moony's mouth because I like his mouth and all the wicked things he knows how to do with it. Besides, it wouldn't work, either, and you're a daft bugger who doesn't listen," Sirius said, plucking the fork from Remus' fingers, scooping up an extra large forkful of pie and shovelling it into his mouth. "Mmmm, good," he said swallowing. "Anything else?"

"Yes, I've something else you can put in your mouth and swallow."

"See?" Sirius said. "Brilliant, isn't he?"

"Merlin's balls on a broomstick. Moony's bent as a bottle of chips, too? Christ, I need a drink."

Remus turned around and glared at James. "And what's that supposed to mean? Give us back our fork, Padfoot. So I can shove it up Prongs' nose."

Sirius swallowed hastily and scrambled to his knees, keeping the fork away from Remus' questing hands. "Don't be hasty. Moony. He needs his nose." He turned to James and smirked. "Moony here's been secretly gagging for me all term. Likes my cock quite a lot, if you know what I mean. Couldn't get enough of it. Not that I blame him. It is rather spectacular."

Remus sat up on his knees, reaching for the fork as Sirius tried desperately to keep it away from him. "Is that how he wants to play it? Maybe you should tell James about how you went twice in the passageway and then again in the sixth floor broom cupboard because Padfoot couldn't keep from gropingyourcock for five bloody minutes."

"Ugh! Stop it, the both of you! I don't care what you get up to, but for fuck's sake, I don't need to hear anything about your—your— Bugger me! No, wait. Don't. Shit! I don't even want to say it. I don't want to think about it!"

"Your arse is safe from me," Sirius said. "Can't speak for ol' Moony here, though. He's a fiend."

The door opened and Peter hurried in, out of breath. "Are they back, then?" he asked, and Remus glanced up from mauling Sirius to see Peter bending over with his hands on his knees. "Pomfrey. Said she'll"—he took a deep breath—"send up dreamless sleep potion for you later, Moony."

"Why couldn't she have sent it now? But there's a thought. Come on, Peter," James said, grabbing Peter by the arm and dragging him toward the open door.

"Where—?" Peter wheezed. "I ran all the way back—"

"I'm going to the library. You're going to see Slughorn," James said. "And you're not leaving until he finds an antidote."

Sirius snorted, still playing keep-away with Remus. "Library? You feeling a sudden urge to revise, or did you want to chat up Madame Pince?"

"Give me my fork back," Remus said, pouncing on Sirius' head.

"Now, now, Moony, violence never did anyone any good. I can feed you. Oi! Careful! You'll topple the tray."

Remus paused mid-grasp. "Food ... Violence. Padfoot feeding me ... Me shoving the fork up Prongs' nose. Well, that's a stumper."

"The sooner you eat, the sooner you can get to afters," Sirius said, taking the opportunity of Remus' uncertainty to reposition himself.

Remus looked down at Sirius' crotch, then back up to his face, a wicked grin spreading on his own. "Maybe you should skip supper and just go straight for—no, wait. Best give him some time. Probably can't get it up again just yet."

"Hey!" Sirius said. "I can go again right now. Want me to prove it?"

"Er, not while we have company," Remus said, blushing. "God, what is wrong with you? One bloody orgasm and you turn into a raging pervert. Well, all right, it was three orgasms, and they were brilliant, but that's still no excuse for losing all semblance of self-respect!"

Peter turned to James, completely bewildered. "Do I want to know?"

"Probably not."

"Well, are they leaving or what? Hope they—Well, I'll be damned, he really wasn't kidding, was he?"

"Let's go, Wormy. Now, before I kill them both," James said, shaking his head and striding purposely for the door with Peter in tow.

"Hey, why are you going to the library, anyway?" Sirius called out.

"Don't stop them. Hmm. I wonder what Prongs would say if I took off Padfoot's robe right now."

James paused in the doorway, a pained look on his face. "Research," he said, glaring at them both. "If Slughorn hasn't found the antidote yet, I'm going to find some kind of spell that works if I have to invent one myself."

James slammed the door, and Sirius turned to Remus. "That went well. I think Prongs is happy for us."

"Prongs is lucky I couldn't get the fork back."

Sirius shook his head, smiling. "I wouldn't worry too much about him, if I were you. He's just jealous 'cause he's got nobody to polish his broomstick for him. And Evans will kill him long before you do," Sirius said, pushing the tray aside and crooking his finger at Remus.

"She was pretty angry at him over the potion," Remus said. "Hello, number four. Christ, you'll be lucky if your cock doesn't fall off before morning."

Sirius grinned even wider. "Well, yes, but that's not why."

"Why then?"

"We used a strand of Evans' hair when we made one of the mistletoe."

Remus stopped and stared at Sirius. "You mean ... But how could you be sure she'd think of him first? What if she thinks about snogging someone else?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Of course she'll think of him first and all of the nasty ways she wants to hex him. She'd know we made it."

"Hex him? She'll rip his bollocks off. And then kill him. And then you won't have to listen to his annoying whinging, and you can have Padfoot all to yourself ... Oh, bugger. Now he'll think your some kind of possessive git."

"Moony," Sirius said, grasping the hem of Remus' robes and pulling it over his head. "Stop thinking about Prongs and start thinking more about my cock again, would you? I liked those thoughts."

Remus shivered. "Right, because he thinks you've stopped thinking about it for more than thirty seconds at a time in the last year and a half."

"Year and a half? Moony!"

"I never—" Remus closed his eyes rubbed his temples. "Wait! Prongs! I'm sorry! Come back! I'll let you stun me! Maybe you can invent a brain freezing charm! Or a temporary obliviation spell!"

Sirius dived on top of Remus, pinning him to the bed. "Nuh-uh. I think I may have to hide that sleeping potion later."

"Oh, no you don't. I will not let you eavesdrop on my dreams. Even I don't remember them. Well, except for that really good one where—Oh, no, no, no, no! I am not going to tell you about my dreams."

"I bet I can make you," Sirius said, ducking his head and sucking Remus' left nipple into his mouth.

Remus made a sort of strangled sound that turned into an embarrassingly loud moan. "You're an evil bastard, Black."

"You're not going to try and pretend like you didn't know that, are you?" He moved to the right one.

"Ahhh! Why couldn't I have fancied a nice bloke?"

"I can be nice."

"You are not nice! Well, he is sometimes. And that did feel nice just now. And now that you've got a good look, his cock is rather nice as well. Would feel even nicer if I just—" He squirmed beneath Sirius. "Ah, right there."

"Mmmm ... Moony, Moony, Moony. What am I going to do with you?" Sirius said, licking a slow trail up Remus' chest and across his neck to just below his left ear.

"I can give you a list."

Sirius lifted his head and grinned. "Naughty boy, you. I'd best make sure to check it twice."