Sir MOC of ZO
The Lady RADIANT of BEAM
Do PROUDLY PRESENT
Their SECOND collaborative WORK
For FREE DISTRIBUTION to all participating THEATRES
A work EXCEPTIONAL MERRIMENT and ASTOUNDING DRAMA
Suitable for ALL AUDIENCES
A TIGER DOJO PRODUCTION
Fujimura Taiga and Ilyasviel von Einzbern: The CREATIVE GENIUSES
Kirei Kotomine: The DRAMATIC NARRATOR
Shinji Matou: Our HERO(?)
Sakura Matou and Ayako Mitsuzuri: The WICKED (?) STEPSISTERS(?)
Zouken Matou: The WICKED (Extremely) GRANDFATHER
Shirou Emiya, Saber, Rider, and Gilgamesh: The HERO'S MOUSE (?) COMPANIONS
Caster: The FAIRY GODMOTHER
Rin Tohsaka: The NOBLE PRINCE
Archer: The ROYAL ADVISOR
Lancer: The DOG
Assassin: Sir NOT-APPEARING-IN-THIS-PLAY
[Scene: Matou Manor, ext. The voice of KOTOMINE KIREI speaks.]
KIREI: Once, long ago, in a faraway land that looked quite a lot like Fuyuki City due to budget limitations, there lived a family of magi. The Grandfather, Zouken, was a twisted, vile, corroded, hellish wreck of a human being.
ZOUKEN: … … … I don't even know why I'm doing this.
KIREI: The two daughters of the home were... wait, what is this? Are you sure?
TAIGA: Follow the script!
KIREI: Okay... they were... um... vain, selfish and lazy?
[Enter SAKURA, looking a vision of a domestic bliss as she carries a MAGNIFICENT PIE that she COOKED HERSELF to share with EVERYONE; and AYAKO, glowing with the effort of a recently completed WORKOUT like the kind she does EVERY DAY of her LIFE.]
KIREI: Wow. Fantastic casting.
ILYA: Cut the commentary, Captain Comedy. You're disrupting the flow of genius.
KIREI: I... see. In any event, there lived one other in this family; a poor, disadvantaged, yet intelligent, handsome, kind and charming young man by the name of... you can't be serious.
TAIGA: Flow of genius!
KIREI: [Pained Sigh] … by the name of Shinji.
[Enter SHINJI, having clearly just WOKEN UP at two in the AFTERNOON. He stops briefly to KICK A PUPPY. This was NOT in the SCRIPT.]
SHINJI: [Grumbles Incoherently]
KIREI: Each... each day, Shinji's horrible family would heap indignities and menial chores upon him, treating him like their slave.
SAKURA: Niiiii-san! Would you like some blackberry pie? It's still warm! And don't worry about your chores, I woke up early and did them.
TAIGA: [Rubbing her temples] Sakura, could you maybe try to be a little more... y'know, wicked?
SAKURA: [Blushing] Oh, I'm sorry! Um... I made you a fresh, warm pie... you... um... stupidhead?
TAIGA: [Deep Sigh]
SHINJI: [Grumbling] You people... I swear, it's always 'Shinji this' and 'Shinji that'. Can't I have a moment to myself?
SAKURA: Would you prefer cupcakes?
AYAKO: I... I'm not even related to these people, why am I...?
ZOUKEN: We needed two stepsisters.
AYAKO: Wouldn't it have made more sense to use Sakura's actual...
TAIGA: Your other option was playing the romantic lead opposite Shinji.
AYAKO: … I'm so happy to be a sister, tra la la la la!
KIREI: And so it went, day after day. The kind and gentle Shinji was trapped in this endless Hell. … Seriously? I mean, I can't be the only one who notices that Sakura as the protagonist would make a lot more sense if we're doing a Cindarella parod-
ILYA: FLOW OF GENIUS!
KIREI: … … oh, whatever, I'm just going to read.
[SHINJI'S family sits down to enjoy a home-cooked meal, abusing SHINJI by making him watch his SISTER do his CHORES. She WHISTLES while she works. It is ON-KEY.]
SHINJI: [Dramatic sigh] Oh, the pain I have suffered in my short life! I must stay here, in this cold, drafty house, being used as a slave by these cruel and vicious...
SAKURA: Nii-san, would you like a back rub? Or maybe a nice cup of cocoa?
TAIGA: Wicked, Sakura.
SAKURA: Would you like a... um... cup of... wicked cocoa? It will... viciously burn your tongue! If you drink it too fast.
TAIGA: [Repeated slams her FOREHEAD into the WALL.]
SHINJI: You people constantly oppress me! [Exits scene stage right, stopping to KICK that PUPPY once again. AYAKO picks it up to get it off the set.]
AYAKO: Christ, that guy is a bitch.
ZOUKEN: I still don't know why I'm here.
[SCENE: SHINJI'S room, int.]
KIREI: Exhausted from his... *snerk* labors, Shinji returned to his room, his one hiding place from the horrors of his everyday life.
SHINJI: Where did I put my porn...?
KIREI: [Shudders in REVULSION] He does know he's supposed to be acting, right...? Anyway! While Shinji's horrible family...
SAKURA: [From downstairs] Niiiiiii-san! I made you an ice-cream sundae, when you're hungry!
KIREI: … c-constantly... abused him... HAHAHAHAHA! While they constantly abused him, he did have one source of relief. His connection with all living things was loving and... wait, what about that puppy he was kicking?
TAIGA: Flow. Of. Gen-
KIREI: Right, right. Anyway, Shinji's only real friends were the mice that lived in his walls. … We don't have the budget for CGI mice. How are we going to have...
[Enter SABER, SHIROU, RIDER, and GILGAMESH. They are wearing FAKE MOUSE EARS. The overall effect is VERY CHEAP.]
KIREI: ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
SABER: I fail to comprehend the meaning of this. We are clearly too large to be mice, and in fact had to open the door to get into this room. And Shinji is obviously not being abused, so...
SHIROU: [Whispering] Saber! Follow the script!
GILGAMESH: Step back, mongrel. You are not worthy to sully the King of Knights with your vile breath.
SABER: I prefer his presence to yours, frankly. Even Shinji is vaguely preferable if only for his tendency to divide his attention among all women rather than just me.
GILGAMESH: Who is 'Shinji'?
SHIROU: [LOUDLY, to cover the people who AREN'T BOTHERING TO ACT] Hi, Shinji! I'm sure you had a rough day, but don't worry, we're here to help you!
RIDER: I'm not here to help him.
GILGAMESH: No, really, who is this 'Shinji' person?
SABER: Nobody worth knowing frankly. [Sniffs the air] Did someone make pie? I haven't eaten since...
SHIROU: [EVEN LOUDER] So, Shinji! Why don't you tell us what's bothering you?
SABER: Wait. Why is he talking to mice? Is it some magical power unique to the character or... you can't just have this happen. Some explanation is needed. If characters just start talking to mice, nobody will be able to follow it.
GILGAMESH: Come on, Saber... we're already in a bedroom, and I can see the way you look at me...
SHINJI: … We're right here, you know.
GILGAMESH: Have I met you before? You look familiar, like someone I'm about to kill for talking to me.
SHINJI: … Anyway! I am... depressed. Yes. Because I'm overworked. Abused. Oh, if only someday I could be taken away from this dreary existence...
SAKURA: [Off-stage] Niiiii-san! I have some clean sheets for you when you're ready for bed! I know you were supposed to clean them but I was in the laundry room anyway.
SHINJI: … if only I could be saved, free to live my own life...
AYAKO: [Off-stage] You know, if we're supposed to be wicked, I could just shoot him. I have a bow strapped to the back of my bike outside.
SHINJI: [No longer ACTING] Save me! [Hides behind SHIROU]
RIDER: [Smiling in a VAGUELY CREEPY manner] Heeeey, was that Ayako? In my house? And it's not even my birthday.
SHIROU: You guys! We have to band together to help Shinji!
RIDER: No, we don't. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go... um... discuss archery. [RIDER exits to find and most likely MOLEST AYAKO.]
SABER: How could mice possibly help anyone...?
SHIROU: We could help make him fantastic new clothes for the ball!
TAIGA: Shirou! You're jumping too far ahead!
ILYA: Onii-chan, really! Pay more attention to the flow of genius.
SHIROU: [Paralyzed by FLUBBED LINES]
KIREI: And just then, because Shirou Emiya screwed up, a messenger arrived at the door. Shinji was very intrigued, for visitors were rare and he was never allowed to speak to them. Curiosity and excitement nearly consumed his mind.
KIREI: Shinji listened intently as his Wicked Grandfather spoke to the messenger.
KIREI: …... As his Wicked Grandfather spoke to the messenger!
TAIGA: Dammit, people, where's the Grandfather?
[SCENE: ZOUKEN's chambers, int.]
ZOUKEN: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
[SCENE: SHINJI's room.]
KIREI: … oh, screw it. By now I think everyone's figured out the idea, so let's speed this garbage along. The messenger that Zouken never bothered to let in was from the royal palace, letting people know about the royal ball for Prince Rin to find a bride. Shinji clearly wants to go, and as Shirou 'MASTER ACTOR' Emiya let us all know, the mice will make him clothes. Whoo-hoo.
SHINJI: Hey, I get to be royalty and live in luxury forever? I gotta say, I'm liking where this is... … … wait, 'bride'?