I want to go back. God, I've never wanted anything more than to go back home. I never should have done this. I was a coward. A coward.
But I would have been a coward anyway. There was no way I could have escaped it. If I had fought, it would have meant submitting. If I had gone and fought I haven't stood up for what I truly believe in. If
I had fought I would be nothing more than a coward.
But how is me having run away any better? I ran to Canada, begging for them to hide me, though I've hardly talked to anyone since I've been here. By coming I've intruded. I know that everyone here knows what I've done. They know who I am, though no one knows my name.
They know I am a foreigner. They know that I don't belong here. They know I'm hiding, and what's worse is they let me. I want someone to send me home. I want someone to tell me that what I did was wrong and I want them to punish me for it. I want them to send me home. I want them to make me fight.
Because if it's them then it's not me. Then it's because I got caught and I can't avoid being told to fight twice. Because then, maybe, just maybe, I'm not such a coward. Maybe then I'll be able to go home someday, proud of who I am.
Because I can't make up my own mind. I want what I haven't done. And I know that as soon as I leave, if I leave, then I'll want what I gave up.
I know that if I fight in 'Nam I'll want nothing more than to be in Canada. Hiding. Because cowardly as hiding is, I would be safe. There were no bullets flying by me, not in Canada. That he'll was reserved especially for 'Nam.
But, goddamn, Canada's got a hell to. Shit, maybe it's even worse. Because here, hell is self imposed. It builds on you everyday, piling guilt higher and higher until you have an entire fucking mountain on top of you and you are sure you're going to suffocate. Because no matter how hard they try, and no matter what they say, no one can move a mountain.
I want what I can't have. I want what it gave up. But I know I can never get that back. As soon as I crossed that border I became a fugitive. The day I didn't show up for induction I gave up everything I had had, because no matter what I do, say, or want, I can never go back.
What had oncemeant safety is now my own personal hell.
They say war is hell. But it ain't nothing compared to Canada.