Title: My Heart Told My Head (1/3)
Rating: T-M. Rating will become an M.
Word Count: 3, 627
Spoilers: Up to date.
Summary: Kurt was going to go to New York at some point, really, it was obvious. Blaine just didn't know he had to be alone for it to happen.
Blaine's senior year was nothing like it was supposed to be. Magic is what he had made Kurt's, but complete hell and loneliness is what Blaine Anderson's turned out to be.
"This is something that was bound to happen, Blaine. Don't you dare look at me like you weren't expecting this," Kurt says in a horrible snappish tone, and Blaine doesn't know why Kurt sounded so upset, he wasn't the one who just got dumped in a smelly garage, two days before his boyfriend – ex-boyfriend – goes off to college, leaving you completely alone and in desperate need of friends.
"I-I didn't!" Blaine protests, "I figured that since we were together this summer we would figure something out—"
"Don't be so naive," Kurt says in a harsh but somehow soft tone, but the words still pierce through like ice. "I'm going to New York, I need new things; to start off fresh in a completely new city. I don't need to be worrying about then ext time I'm going to get to see you, or talk to you. We need to cut this off before it goes too far."
"No we don't," Blaine whispers, "We don't need to cut this off, we can do this. Us, of all people would be able to handle a long distance relationship. Talk on the phone at the end of the day, Skype on the weekends. Maybe sometimes I can fly down!"
"It's done, Blaine," Kurt snaps, his eyes cool and firm. "We are done, okay? Done."
Blaine spins on his heels and runs out of the Hummel's garage before Kurt can even see a resemblance of a tear.
There's an end of the summer and a goodbye party for the Glee club at Puck's. Tina texts Blaine and invites him, but Blaine kindly declines. He would rather not go to a party to celebrate that everyone he knows and loves is going away.
Besides, it's done, isn't it?
The only other time when Blaine had felt this alone was shortly after he came out at his old public school. His friends had started to avoid him until eventually they had all stopped talking to him all together, leaving Blaine isolated – alone. It had been years since Blaine had felt like that. But now, he feels more alone than ever before. Kurt was gone, Rachel was with him, Finn was off to school, Rory was back in Ireland. Everyone Blaine was even remotely close with was hours away, and Blaine doubted that Rachel or Finn would talk with him now that he and Kurt were broken up.
Blaine usually isn't one to cry much either. He was taught at a young age that tears were a sign of weakness, only to be used in horrible situations, or if you were a woman. Lately, Blaine had been crying a lot, late at night, curling into the bed sheets that still smelt of lavender and mints. It was just one last thing to hold onto late at night.
The first day back at school was long. Blaine walked through the halls like a zombie, meeting all his new teachers and collecting notes by himself. He barely recognizes anyone, and no one even bothers to talk to him.
He's at his locker at the end of the day, putting his books in his locker when someone finally comes up to him. Blaine looks up to find Tina looking at him with a bright smile.
"Hi," Blaien says quickly, closing his locker.
"Why aren't you in the choir room?" Tina asks, pulling Blaine closer to her by the fabric of his shirt, and beginning to walk down the hallway. "Everyone is there – Artie set up some computers for us, and we're on Skype with Mike, Rachel, Finn and—" Fuck. "—Kurt, come on!"
"Tina, I don't think—" Blaine tries to protest, but Tina is shushing him and pulling him into the choir room.
In the room there's a laptop hooked up to a projector, and Mike Finn Rachel and Kurt… are all on the screen, each of them in their own little box, excluding Kurt and Rachel, of course.
But, fuck, Kurt looks good. In reality, the last time Blaine saw Kurt was only a few weeks ago, but for Blaine who used to see him everyday, it feels like a long time. Kurt's wearing the usual Kurt attire, and he's gotten a haircut, Blaine can tell.
"Blaine," Mr. Schuester says in a happy voice. "Nice to see you again, your summer was … good?"
Really? Could he seriously be that stupid? Blaine thinks, Before saying it was fine, and moving to sit at the back, sadly still in view of the camera, but far enough away from the projector that he was comfortable.
"Dude, what did you do to your hair?" he hears Mike through the speakers, and Blaine's hand runs through his hair, and he shrugs.
"Ran out of time this morning, I guess," he mumbles.
The conversation goes on, and they each talk about how their frosh week is going, and the stuff they miss from Lima. Blaine sits quietly in the back, trying not to react when Rachel talks about what she and Kurt have been doing.
"Want to say hi to Kurt, Blaine?" Tina asks softly from the front of the room, and Blaine looks from her to the screen, meeting Kurt's eyes, who seem to be holding something. Blaine recognizes it as hope, and something vile runs through Blaine, and he only wants to completely shatter what's in Kurt's eyes.
"Why are we even bothering to do this?" Blaine hears himself say. "You guys realize that they're gone at school, right? If we miss them, do this on your own fucking time, don't drag other people into it."
"Watch your language, Blaine," Mr. Schue says quickly, sadness and worry running across his face.
"Besides, it's all done, isn't it?" Blaine says, standing up, and his eyes lock onto Kurt's. A small smile curves onto his mouth when he realizes that yes, the hope is gone, "Why should we even try if it's done?"
There's a silence, and no one says anything, so Blaine just leaves, he hauls his back over his shoulder and walks quietly out of the room. Faintly from behind hi, he hears the disconnect of the Skype, but then he's running out the door.
Blaine doesn't go back to glee, no one comes and asks for him to come anyway. He goes through the days slowly, sometimes quickly depending on his mood. He knows this is ridiculous, that the world isn't over, Kurt's just gone, and they're not speaking, or even together, but the world is not over.
He tries not to be so upset over it, because it is an overreaction; he needs to move on, he's quite certain that Kurt would have already. But somehow it's still so hard to. Somehow whenever Blaine says to himself, "I'll be okay today, today everything will be perfectly fine," something horrible happens. Like this day, one day he goes to bed, curling up in the sheets so he can stay warm, and then he realizes – they don't smell like him anymore. The faint lavender and mint that had embedded its way into Blaine's sheets isn't there anymore. Instead it's replaced with Blaine's musky scent that just smells plain, and old, with a hint of his shampoo from his annual nightly shower.
It's when this all happens that Blaine realizes, it truly is over. When he jumps out of his bed and over to his dresser, digging out an old "William McKinley" gym t-shirt that he had left here after one of their many sleepovers, and that Blaine will shamefully admit he's worn once or twice to bed in these recent weeks. When Blaine brings the old shirt up to his face, breathing in the material, it doesn't smell like it's supposed to. It smells like Blaine's own laundry detergent.
They say that someone can't just get up and walk out of someone's life. Well, Blaine can prove that theory wrong. Kurt Hummel had literally walked out of his life, and Blaine had been running away from him ever since. Nothing is the same, Kurt is gone, he's in New York probably surrounded by hundreds of other openly gay men, who would probably think Kurt was amazing – because he is. And Blaine is still here in stupid Lima, Ohio. He's the only gay kid in the school now, and he's so fucking lonely it's physically paining.
But he supposes that's the price you get for being in love.
It's the beginning of October when Blaine finds the fake ID that Sebastian Smythe had gotten for him almost a year previous.
The next thing Blaine knows, he's walking into Scandal's with a pair of tight jeans, and a tank top with a button up short sleeve shirt on. He's looking around the place, and lets out a long sigh. Maybe here is somewhere he could fit in.
"Blaine Anderson," drawls out a voice, "What a pleasant surprise," Blaine turns around to find Sebastian Smythe of all people standing in front of him. There's a beer in his hand, and Blaine doubts it's his first.
"Hi!" Blaine says, a bit too shocked, "How are you … doing?"
"Quite fine. And yourself?" Sebastian says smoothly, taking a step forwards and – holy shit, this guy really hasn't changed in the past year.
"I'm fine," Blaine recites, not moving even though Sebastian is actually really close right now. But Blaine is single, he doesn't have to worry about being too close to another boy now, because he is single. He's free, and in a fucking gay bar of all places, with a good looking boy in front of him – and that's another thing he can finally say now that he's free. Sebastian Smythe is fucking hot and experienced.
"Where's your boyfriend?" he hears Sebastian say, feeling a warm hand press against his hip.
"H-he's in New York… not being my boyfriend," Blaine manages to say just loud enough so he knows Sebastian could hear him. But they're really close right now, and he can taste Sebastian's breath on his tongue, and the room is starting to feel hot and the air smells thick.
"Well Blaine…" Sebastian hums, leaning closer to his mouth is pressed up against Blaine's ear. "How 'bout I buy you a drink?"
Blaine shivers and leans forward so his ear is pressed up against Sebastians mouth. "I—yes… okay."
Two and a half beers later, Blaine finds himself in the back of Sebastian's car, pressed up into the fabric of the seat, and Sebastian's mouth plastered hot and wet over his own. Their tongues twisting together, making the heat begin to pool in Blaine's stomach.
When Sebastian breaks away from Blaine's mouth, to start to kiss down his neck, sucking a the hallow of his throat is when everything kicks in gear. This is the first person he's kissed since Kurt. This is the second male he's ever kissed, and fuck is Sebastian good at this. It's so different than it was with Kurt; it's so much more demanding and warm. With Kurt, if Blaine ever wanted to take over, he could, but with Sebastian, Blaine feels it's Sebastian in charge of that, and he's somehow okay with being taken advantage of right now.
"Fuck!" Blaine hisses as he feels a hand press up against his hard-on through the material of his jeans, immediately pressing up into Sebastian's hand.
"Do you want me, Blaine?" Sebastian whispers, "Want me to touch you?"
Blaine swallows, still pressing up into his hand and whimpering. So if it feels good, he wants it, right? So Blaine nods, whispering, "Yes," and allowing Sebastian Smythe to take what Kurt had always said belonged to him.
Blaine thinks he may be having a panic attack, but he's too drunk to know for sure. He's back in his own car, after he and Sebastian had exchanged handjobs of the other boy's car. It had felt good, to have another warm hand and another mouth to moan into. But there wasn't any feeling other than complete lust and desire. Blaine misses the snuggling after sex and the quiet, "I love you's". He wants to be loved, not fucked.
Before he even notices it, Blaine's hands are reaching into his bag, and he's pulling out his phone to search through his contacts. He selects Kurt's name, and waits for it to pick up. In the back of his head, Blaine can almost hear Santana's, "You still haven't deleted his number off your phone?"
The answering machine picks up and Blaine let's out a long sigh before he hears a beep.
"Shit," he whispers, fumbling slightly, before realizing that there's no use in hanging up, and he should just leave a message. He's already gone too far. "Kurt, hi, it's – it's me, Blaine. I…I honestly don't know why I'm calling, I-I'm a little drunk. I'm sorry," Blaine closes his eyes leaning back in his seat. "I miss you," he whispers, "I know you probably don't miss me, and you're probably having an awesome time in New York with better more experienced homosexuals than myself. But … I'm still in Lima, and I'm here surrounded by all these memories of you. Everything reminds me of you," Blaine whispers, his voice thick with tears. "Everything. Fuck – I love you! I'm so sorry, but I still love you and I still need you, but—but you didn't want me. It was done." There's a long pause. "I'll … I'll go now. I'm sorry for calling so late … bye, Kurt."
Blaine lies down in the back of his car. He shouldn't drive, and he has no one to give him a lift. The only logical reasoning he could come up with was staying there for the night. He closes his eyes and let's the tears come, loud sobs wracking his body. He's such a failure. He can't even get over the one boyfriend he's had. He's all alone in this world and he's a failure. Blaine manages to fall asleep an hour, all alone in his car.
When Blaine wakes up the next morning his back is stiff, and he's cold. Probably sleeping in the car wasn't the best idea, because he's cold, he's achy, and his head fucking hurts, and he has to roll down the window as fast as he can so he can vomit on the pavement. He's never drinking again, he's never getting in a car thinking anything like this was a good idea, and he's definitely not exchanging handjobs in the back of someone's car. He's just thankful it was Sebastian, and not some random 30 year old freak who would still be in the closet and possibly living with his mother.
Blaine lays in his car for another good half an hour, before he thinks he'll be able to sit upright long enough to be able to get home. He praises the lord it's a Saturday and his parents are probably already gone for work, so they wouldn't come home until Blaine was probably feeling better, he didn't want to have to argue with his family with what he was doing late at night. Lying and saying he was at a friend's house was much more easier for him to do.
By the time Blaine's back inside his house, puking into his own bathroom toilet is when he remembers that stupid fucking message he left on Kurt's answering machine, and suddenly he's thankful for the massive hangover he has, because maybe it'll knock some sense into his stupid head of his.
It would be much easier to just try and move on. Feeling upset about the whole thing all the time, and doing nothing about it wasn't helping him. This wasn't what getting over someone was supposed to be. Honestly, Kurt was just another boy, and wasn't it always his father who said that "high school things don't ever last". Look at the Glee club; Finn and Rachel had decided to be friends until they were done school to avoid any mistakes the two of them were bound to make, he and Kurt had broken up, Quinn was still single, as was Sam. The only people Blaine could think of who were still together were Santana and Brittany, but Blaine knew for a fact that Santana was taking classes here in Ohio, and Brittany had gone out of state…. But Tina and Mike, they had been together for two years now. They were the solid couple.
Maybe he and Kurt just weren't soulmates like he supposed Mike and Tina were. Maybe Blaine had made the whole thing up in his head, Kurt was a good friend, he was a fantastic boyfriend, and Blaine doesn't regret giving up his virginity to the other person. But just maybe, maybe they weren't meant for forever.
Blaine brings a bucket to the side of his bed with a glass of water and some aspirin, and snuggles down into the cold, comfortless sheets, and eventually drifts off to sleep.
On Monday Blaine feels a bit better than before, he's feeling a bit light, as if he's floating through the hallways again. But he's dressed once again in the usual, jeans slightly rolled up, a polo t-shirt, and of course a bowtie. He's feeling … normal, almost, and even though throughout the day he still doesn't have many people to talk to, and he still hasn't made up the courage to step foot in the choir room again, he's feeling better. Something about realizing that he and Kurt weren't made for each other was making him feel a bit happier, and like he could move on.
But when he's shutting his locker door and sees Burt Hummel walking down the hallway, his eyes focused on Blaine's, Blaine almost has a heart attack right in front of the older man – and how fucking ironic would that be?
"Mr. Hummel… h-hi!" Blaine says quickly as the man finally approaches him, and then Blaine's palms are all sweaty and gross, and please god just make Burt walk away now before Blaine actually dies.
"Blaine," Burt says softly, "Blaine, I have Kurt's phone."
Blaine goes pale, and sucks in a breath, "I-I'm sorry?"
"When Kurt went to New York we got him a new phone with a better plan for school, and I got his old one, Blaine. I guess he didn't tell you because you guys had … broken up, but," oh fucking shit, Blaine feels like vomiting again. "I have his old one. You called me on Saturday night."
Blaine takes a step back, letting his bag drop to the floor, because this is so much worse than Kurt getting that phone message, because his father got the message of Blaine being completely wasted, and telling Kurt he still fucking loved him. What the actual hell was Blaine thinking? Death, death with spikes would be real nice right about now.
"Hey, kid, just – calm down, okay? I'm not here to yell at you, though I do think it was real stupid of you to go out and do that. I'm not gonna tell your parents, I'm not here to get you in trouble," Burt says softly, taking a step towards Blaine, and putting his warm fatherly hand on Blaine's shoulder, squeezing, "I'm making sure you're okay… Blaine."
Blaine swallows visibly, nodding, and closing his eyes. "I'm fine."
"Blaine," Burt says quietly, looking deep into the other boy's eyes, and taking a long sigh. "Blaine it's okay to not be okay."
And suddenly Blaine's gone, letting out a loud sob, and Burt is taking the smaller boy into his arms, and holding him against his chest and rocking him slowly. Burt was the only person the only person who had told him that. Blaine just thought he was supposed to act okay, that's how it was supposed to go. But no one had told him it was okay, and would hold him like this, Blaine hadn't had anyone to have hold him for months now, and to have someone hug him and hold him against their chest was so great, and perfect, and everything he needed, that he almost couldn't handle it.
But Burt's soft murmurs of "Shh, it's okay kid," and "You're gonna be okay, Blaine," and "This is completely normal, I promise you" were so comforting to Blaine. He thinks how weird it is, for a moment, to be crying into your ex-boyfriend's father's shoulder, but Burt was almost like the father he wished he had. The one who was supportive of his lifestyle, and the fact that he liked to sing and dance. His own always telling him about the girl's father's he works with that Blaine should meet, and how he should become a lawyer just like he is.
Blaine thinks that now, he'll be okay. He just needs to go back to Glee, he needs to stop focusing on it so much, he needs to just stop, because as much as Kurt was his everything last year, as much as he thought they were absolutely perfect for each other, Blaine needs to wake up and see that he's 17 years old, this is his last year of high school. He needs to get off his ass, and join glee club again, because that's what he really likes to do. He needs to get to work on those applications to the colleges he wants to go, and yeah, eventually he'll be okay.
But he supposes that right now, he'll let himself cry.