I was sitting in the cemetery for the sixth time this week. Like I have been doing for months now. Even though it still felt like the first time, every time I would see those three gravestones.
Kendall Donald Knight November 2 1990- November 23 2006.
James David Diamond July 17 1990- November 23 2006.
Carlos Roberto Garcia August 15 1990- November 23 2006.
I whispered those words out loud to myself, still not really believing my brothers where gone.
They were on their way to a movie, which I had decided to stay home and study instead of going.
Midnight came around, and that was when my mom received a call from Mrs. Knight saying the guys had been in an accident and it was not looking good. It was the worse news I have ever heard in my life.
I then raced to the hospital, not caring about anything but making sure my brothers where okay but when I got to the hospital….
I heard the news. James, Kendall and Carlos were gone.
My whole world came crashing around me at that moment, and I fell right to the hospital floor. I broke down right in the middle of the hospital. Not caring who saw me.
Three of the most important people in my life had been ripped away from me. By some stupid idiot decided to hit them head on.
I didn't know how I was going to live….I didn't have them….
It has now been two months since that horrible night.
My brothers were taken from me because some dick decided to drink while driving, and because of that, he took the lives of three innocent sixteen year olds.
The worst part is he only walked away with only a broken arm. I wanted to give him more then a broken arm, I wanted him to pay for what he did….
But my mom said that wasn't the right way to deal with what happen…There wasn't no "Right" way. If there was, I wouldn't be hurting right now.
I then reached into my pocket and pulled out a picture. A picture I carried with me since that night.
We were all about nine or so in the picture. It was taken the day I had moved into our current house.
I had always been a shy kid and a huge target for bullies, so when three boys approached me in my front yard, I was beyond nervous.
But, rather than hurt me, they welcomed me as a friend with open arms. I have always told myself that the day I met Carlos, Kendall and James, was the first day my life really started. I was starting a new beginning and it was finally a happy one.
I could feel tears coming down my face again, more like pouring down my face, as I hugged the picture for dear life before tucking it back in my pocket.
I have blamed and continue to blame myself for the deaths of my brothers. I was part of the reason they are dead.
Maybe if I had insisted they studied, instead of going to the movies, they would still be here. Or if I had gone with them, I could have saved them somehow. But I will never know. Not now…
Everyone tells me how sorry they are. Even though it doesn't help me much. I see the sympathetic glances and hear the whispers. I know they mean well but all it does is remind me of what I have lost and that I am now only. Sometimes I wish for them just to shut up, and leave me alone.
As I thought this, I reached into my other pocket for the only thing that had been giving me a small ounce of salvation….my razor.
I rolled up my sleeve and I began to add new cuts to the dozens I already owned.
I had just finished my last cut, when I heard a familiar voice.
"We really wish you would stop doing that Logie." I jumped….It couldn't be….I turned around, quickly.
There, sitting on a grave stone, was Kendall. Carlos and James were standing beside the grave Kendall was on.
"H-how are you guys here?" I asked, knowing it was impossible for me to be seeing the ghosts of my dead brothers. Maybe I'm dying…or going crazy.
"We were worried about you." James said pain in laced all through his voice.
"I am fine. There is nothing to worry about." I lied. I haven't be fine since they died, I'm only the shell of the person I was.
"Logie, you're not fine. You don't eat like you should anymore. And you never sleep." Carlos said, with a sad smile on his face. It was heartbreaking to see that smile on his normally happy face…But then I remembered, he was dead. Nothing was normal anymore.
Carlos was right though, since they died it was rare for me to even eat twice in an entire week. And if I did, it was only because of my mom nagging me to do so.
I refused to sleep too, the nightmares wouldn't go away. So even if I did try sleeping, I would wake up an hour later in tears and sweat.
"You only leave your house to go to school or visit us." James said, sighing sadly.
"I just no longer saw a point in going out. I no longer have my brothers or friends to go with. It's a waste of time. I said, leaning my head on Kendall's gravestone. It was useless to do anything without them, plus it hurt to do so.
"You have given up on your dreams, Logan, and you cut yourself. Where is the best friend I know and love?" Kendall said, tears glimmering in his eyes.
"None of that stuff matters anymore." I said, emotionless. Even though my tears betrayed the tone of my voice.
It really didn't matter anymore. My life was over without them.
"Yes it does Logie. We just want you to be you again." Carlos said through a whimper.
"I can't." I said, my voice was empty just like my heart.
"Why?" James questioned. Sounding so desperate to know.
"Because. I want to die." I said, truthful as I have ever been. Which made more tears leak out, like rain falling for the first time.
It was true though, I had wanted to die since the day my brothers where buried. I didn't want to be without them.
"You don't mean that. Logan. You have your whole life ahead of you." Carlos said, now sniffling.
"But I do mean it, Carlos. Why should I get to live my life? Why should I get to pursue my dreams and have a family, when that all was taken from the three of you?" I asked, through my tears. It wasn't fair, for me to be happy, when they didn't get a chance at life.
"Because, Logie, we are the ones who died, not you…" Kendall told me, his own tears now falling.
"It's not fair. Nothing is the same without you guys! We were suppose achieve our dreams together. Meet the loves of our lives, get married, be each other's best men. Live in the same neighborhood and have our own families! But now that won't happen….B-Because you are dead…" I cried out, sobbing uncontrollable.
I reminded my friends of the promises we had made each other. The ones that weren't meant to be broken….But were…
"I know, Logan. But it just was not meant to happen. And what kind of brothers would we be if we stood by and watched you throw your life away." James said, walking over and patting my shoulder.
"I-I don't want to do any of it without you guys, your my brothers." I said my voice cracking.
"We will always be brothers Logie." Carlos said, walking over to me too, and hugging me.
"And you won't be doing it without us. We will always be here for you Logie, you may not see us but we will be right here." Kendall said, doing the same as the others and he walked over to me, placing his hand over my heart.
"I'd rather you guys be alive though…." I told Kendall, looking in his eyes.
"I know and if there was a way we could come back, we would. It has hurt us so much watching you in so much pain. We refused to move on until we were sure you would be fine." Kendall said through a small smile.
"You mean you guys haven't had peace because of me? I am such a jackass." I said, beating myself up over making them stay.
How could I do that to them? They belonged in a better place.
"No, Logan. We stayed because we wanted to help our brother." James told me sounding more serious than I have ever heard him before.
"We don't have much time left. But before we have to go, promise you're going to be okay, Logie." Carlos said his voice sounding like a small child.
I took a deep breath, and I finally said after a while,
"We love you, Logie, always remember that." My brothers said, surrounding me in a group hug. I will miss this. It made more tears fall.
"I-I love you guys too."
I told them. smiling for the first time in months. It felt good.
"Goodbye, Logie. We will see you again someday." My brothers said all at the same time, right before vanishing into thin air.
But for the first time in months…. I felt like everything would be okay. Even though it would take a while to be back to my old self, and maybe I won't ever be, but I will try.
I then turned my attention back to the three headstones of my brothers. Pressing a kiss to each one of them.
"I promise to live my life to the fullest…for all of us." I told them as I rubbed each headstone.
Even if I was far from healed.
I was willing to live,
Even if it might be tough at times.
I would do it…