Chapter 1: in which Vancha is bored and Darren gets an idea

"Darren! I'm so boooored," shouted Vancha as he walked into Darren's room at 11 o'clock at night.

"Why are you waking me up so early?" mumbled a sleepy Darren from his coffin. He used to hate sleeping in a coffin, but now that he was a full vampire, it was one of the only things he could do to keep the harmful sun out of his eyes and off his skin.

"It's not early!" protested Vancha, "The sun went down ages ago!"

"Whatever," said Darren as he stumbled out of his coffin and into the bathroom. He needed to shave, after the final purge he finally looked like a young eighteen year old man with the facial hair to go with it. Thankfully, Mr Crepsley had lent him his own specialized Vampire razor.

"Why am I here anyway?" whined Vancha, "I don't mind living so why did you guys drag me here with you?" Darren finished shaving and answered:

-First off, you are not dead and secondly, you were very happy when you got here, so why get mad now?

-Because, pea-brain, I'm bored. Could you please try explaining how we got here again? I don't think I got it the first time.

-Fine. When I died, Evanna brought me back to life so that Desmond could turn me into a Little Person then save myself from becoming a vampire. Once I did that, I lied down on the theatre roof and died. But when I died, something strange happened. My mind sort of connected with the Darren of the future, I was thirty years old and I had just received a bunch of diaries in the mail. I was sure it was a hoax but I made it into a book series anyway. After I arrived in paradise, my mind was still connected to the Future Darren, so I sent him telepathic messages; I wanted to live again, as a proper vampire! He agreed to help me and started writing a series called the Demonata. At first I didn't understand, but then I got it, he was going to explain the origins of the universe! He was recreating god, our god! His theory was, if everything he wrote came true, then why not the Demonata? As soon as he finished the series I contacted the Kah-Gash and asked them to create a parallel earth.

-Wait a second, Darren, what's the Kah-Gash? And what does parallel mean?

-It means two things that might be similar or go in the same direction but never touch and the Kah-Gash is the force that holds the universe together. It consists of three humans: Bec, Grubbs and Kernel.

-No vampires?

-No! Now can I finish?

-Okay, okay, fineā€¦

-So they created a parallel earth and transported me there with Larten away from paradise. End of story.

-What about me?

-I asked the Kah Gash to bring you, Debbie and Harkat, plus a few others, happy now?

-Yes, there's only one more thing.


-How come we have humans to drink from?

-The Kah-Gash also created a bunch of humans and vampires to live with.

Vancha smiled, "That was very thoughtful of you Darren, but now, I'm bored." There was a loud crashing sound and Darren jumped up. Larten opened the door cursing violently and massaging his scalp. Vancha heard a few words such as "flitting", "stupid door" and something about a nasty headache. Larten staggered in and slumped on a chair.

"I happened to overhear your conversation and Vancha is right. We should have something other to do than drink blood and ale all night!" he exclaimed angrily.

"That's not true! We could work at Cirque du Freak," retorted Darren.

"Yes, but without Madame Octa, there is not much point," answered Mr Crepsley.

"I have an idea!" exclaimed Darren, "but you're not going to like it."

"What is it?!" cried Larten and Vancha at the same time.

"You could try reading books," said Darren, a triumphant grin on his face.

"That's silly, I can't read!" retorted Vancha.

"Well, now is the time learn, right?" laughed Darren.