This story has a couple of plot threads that I was unable to tie up due to the first-person perspective I went with it. So if you have any questions, send me a PM and I'll be more than happy to explain reasons, meaning, ect!
However, you can go to my profile and read some explanations there, about the characters and past problems they had in my world. In fact, I suggest you go do that now. It will only take a minute!
I still couldn't believe where I was. It felt like such a dream. Could what had happened…could it really be true? Even though, as I lay there, all I had to do was move my fingers a few inches and feel him beside me, it was so difficult to grasp. Closing my eyes brought back images of the event, filling my head with sounds to accompany them. Images that were only in my dreams, only in my wildest of imaginations. Images that were now real, that had actually happened… I-I didn't know what to do now. It felt like the main goal in my life had been accomplished…so what was there to do? Would things no longer be interesting knowing what I know now? Knowing how it felt, knowing what it was like? Or would it make life more thrilling as I anticipate the next chance to relive those moments?
Feeling movement beside me, I reopen my eyes and glance over as he nuzzled into my neck, sending chills run down my spine at his warmth. "You awake?" he asked, his voice groggy and rough.
All I could reply with was a nod. I was scared to touch him, in case he vanished. But at the same time, I wanted to hold him, to make sure he wouldn't disappear. If this was a dream…I didn't want to wake.
"Anyone else up?"
I didn't think so, it was still early in the morning and most anyone else would still be deep asleep. Especially after drinking so much as they did. Plus, I had been awake for some time now and hadn't heard anyone. But still I couldn't speak, and just shook my head. Hearing him give a soft scoff of amusement, I could already feel my heart pounding in my head as he suddenly pulled himself up, pressing our lips together for a kiss.
"Good. 'Cause I'm up for another round."
And even though my body was so sore and taxed, I couldn't deny his demand for more. Especially as he worked my lips open and explored my mouth, his fingers lacing with mine, holding them over my head. I wondered a little if it was pitiful, how easily I bent to his will. We had never shared those words with each other, after all. Last night was such a spur of the moment thing. We didn't even have all that much to drink compared to the others, really. We simply shared the same bed as his was unavailable for reasons too lengthy to explain at the moment. Then from there, things lead from one to the other. And now, here we were, the morning after, already at it once more.
Of course…I didn't mind. My kisses were just as needy and lustful as his were, even though it was a different sort from his. But even if I was just being used to replace what he lost, I didn't mind. While I liked the idea of being his and his only, the thought of being there to help him recover, by any means necessary, that was something I wanted, too. He was such a curious man, who hated to depend on people no matter how much he needed it. So to be here like this, I was happy. To be held in his arms like this, for whatever reason, I was happy. For all those reasons that seemed so out of the blue and farfetched…to be held, to be needed, to be wanted…even if we never shared those words, even if I never had a kiss created by those feeling besides pure lust from him…I was happy.
Breaking away from the kiss to breathe, he let go of my hands, instead pulling up my knees to my chest. Panting, I blushed deeper than before, biting my lip hard as I clung to the pillow. But the pain eventually melted away to pleasure. His tongue now explored my neck, I had to bite back a moan, my usually cold body feeling so flushed from the warmth that I wondered if I would melt away. Feeling his teeth nibble on my ear, I seethed, turning my face away, pressing it against the much cooler pillow. But it wasn't long until he turned me to face him again, kissing me once more. My fingers now tangled in his soft hair, we panted heavily into each other's mouths, moving together in perfect rhythm.
"Ahh, ah, I-I'm going…t-to," breaking away from his face, my grip tightened, as I struggled hard to hold back a moan.
"Haa? I haven't…even touched you," he replied, a little incredulous. "Are you that…turned on by me?"
"I-it just…feels s-so good…I-I—!" Unable to take it anymore, my back arched as I cried out, his lips quickly clashing to mine in a desperate attempt to stifle the noise. For the next few seconds, we stayed still, hearts in our throats as our ears strained to catch any indications of the others waking up. Thankfully, it seemed all good and quiet.
"You're lucky they're all too hungover," he chuckled. "But you know…you aren't supposed to cum before I'm ready. I guess I'll have to teach you a lesson, huh?"
"Eh? B-but, th-then the others might really w—" Being turned around, I cut off, quickly pressing my face into the pillow as he got even rougher. Ah, it wasn't fair…how much I would love to express how good it all felt, how much I wanted to cry out with desire… I wasn't ashamed of what we were doing. I had wanted it ever since I met him. I was just worried about how the others would treat him, how he would take it if they knew.
So when there was a knock on the door, we both froze, barely breathing. "Asari? Are you alright?"
My head span as I realized the door wasn't even locked, meaning if I didn't compose myself and answer in a few seconds, then everything would be revealed. "H-huh? Oh…yeah…"
"Are you sure…? It sounded like you were in pain… Are you hurt?" Hearing the handle begin to turn, I almost screamed out my reply.
"Y-yes! N-no, I mean! I-I stubbed my foot on my bed! D-don't come in!" I squeaked out, pushing up on my elbow as I waved at the door, as if the man on the other side could see my flailing motions. For a second or two, there was a heavy, awkward pause, before a somewhat creeped out 'Okay' was said and footsteps signaled the man had left. Sighing with relief, I flopped back into the pillow, as my lover chuckled again. I was rather grateful that everyone knew my secret, in all honesty. Mostly for this moment, the others would know not to bother me for a while more. After all, who would want to walk in on a masochist pleasuring himself with pain?
But not two minutes after we continued what was started were we interrupted once more. "Sorry, I don't mean to bother you again… But G's not in his room, do you know where he might be…?"
Closing my eyes tightly as he pulled away, I struggled out a 'No' in response. "D-did you check the bathroom or the k-kitchen?" I asked, trying to keep the heavy breathing and disappointment in my voice to a minimum. Ah, even though I was able to finish at least once, I felt bad that he couldn't… The whole reason we did that was for him in the first place!
"Nn, not yet…Guess I should have thought of that before, aha. Sorry~"
Managing a light laugh in response, I hugged my pillow as I watched the redhead get dressed. "S-sorry you couldn't finish…" I mumbled to him. Though I had to admit, I was glad to finally rest again. But it felt cold and lonely without his arms around me, without his breath on my neck, without his body close to me…
But he simply scoffed in reply. "You'll make it up to me later," he said, before clambering out my window and swinging into his own room, leaving me to blush and press my face further into the pillow as the prospect of us doing it again filled me…
It had been a couple of weeks since we first slept together. We continued our little escapades every other day practically. Of course, being wanted like that made me happy, but I could tell the others were getting suspicious by now. We would sneak off together after dinner and return a few hours later, claiming to have been 'training'…but I was never a good liar, or an actor. And with how rough the redhead was, it left me unable to walk straight or even sit down properly for the majority of the day. I felt almost sympathetic for his girlfriends, when he had them. But then again, it must be easier on them, right? At least a little…right?
But lately it slowed down. I couldn't complain, I suppose. I don't know if I could have taken doing it so often for very much longer. I figured he had simply gotten his fill for the time being and that we would still run off together every now and again. …Until he walked in with her.
I had been lying on the couch, catching up on rest from training, since it had been about four days since our last time; I was now able to use my sword without hurting myself again. G had said he was going to go to the store for some items, and I would have gladly followed had I not been so tired. But when he returned, I wished I had gone. Or I was glad I hadn't. Sitting up as the two entered the house and stepped into the living room, my gaze burned into the woman, causing her to shift uncomfortably. My head filled with questions, the answer to them all being the same, and all I denied.
Why was she here?
Who was she?
Why were they holding hands?
Why do they look at each other in such a way?
Why did he bring her here?
"Oi, quit being rude. Where's Primo?"
Snapping out of my thoughts, I lifted my head to look at G, but not for long. I felt if I looked at him too long, I would lose control of my thoughts, my feelings. "He went training with the others," I whispered. But catching the tone of my voice, how out of character I was being, I quickly replaced the look of dread with a smile and stood. "Aha, forgive me. I just wasn't expecting him to bring a friend over. My name is Asari Ugestu," I said, taking the girl's hand and giving it a warm shake. Even if doing this made it feel like a thousand knives were stabbing me, I gathered the little bit of acting skill I had and played along. But I knew it wasn't much, and I couldn't keep it up.
"Ah, but forgive me once more. I will not intrude on you two any further. Please excuse me," I bowed, quickly stepping back before she could even open her mouth. And with that, I headed up the stairs. Once at the top, I ran to my room, sliding to the floor once the door was closed.
I felt betrayed, used, thrown away. What was I to him now? Just a friend again? Did he think it really alright to merely use my feelings in such a way? Surely he could tell how willing I was each time! Even though I was in such pain, even though I could do nothing more than lay there a lot of the time, I never told him to stop. I gave him everything, my music, my sword, my body…my love… And he thought it alright to simply treat them like nothing? All those nights of passion, did he really expect me to simply think nothing more of them from now on? I couldn't…how could I?
Sitting there for a long while, I eventually decided to get up and go wash my face at the very least. In case they came to check on me. I couldn't let them find out now. I didn't want G to feel guilty. I didn't want him to know he put me in pain. Even if he didn't love me, even if he could treat me in such a way…he still cared, right? Even if just as friends, he would blame himself for causing me hurt. And even if it was true, I couldn't let him know.
Heading into the bathroom, I locked the door, before turning on the water in the sink. Letting the water flow over my hands for maybe a minute, I snapped out of my stupor and splashed my face, washing the tears from my cheeks. But as I straightened up and looked at the mirror, I ended up breaking down once more.
Why did I think there was a chance he might even consider loving someone like me? I was so average looking compared to everyone else. I was boring, plain, uninteresting… The only reason they bothered to keep me around at all was because I could help keep everyone calm and balance out any tension in the room. But besides that, what was my purpose? I gave up my music so I could spend more time with G. I gave up training with my sword for his wants and needs. I devoted every second of my days to him. How could he be so blind to it all? Had he never stopped for one moment to think about it? Did he think he didn't have to, because of how I was, that I wouldn't care about any sort of abuse I received? Or was he maybe in denial? I didn't know…and I doubted, with the girl he brought home, that I would ever find out.
Deciding to sleep it off for now until the girl left, I went to open the door, when a moan flowed out from downstairs. A very distinctive woman's voice. Staring at the door handle, I couldn't breathe. They were already at it? But…but I was still home! What was this? Why was he doing this to me? Fresh tears coursing my face, I stumbled back, the back of my hand pressed against my mouth. Leaning against the counter, I shook, hands clamped over my ears now as I shook and tried to keep the sounds at bay. Tried to not picture the two of them at all. It hurt…so much. Everything hurt. And not in the way I would have liked it to.
Sliding to the ground once more, I knocked a few items off the counter, onto the floor. At first I ignored the objects, until my eye caught a glint of metal, and I picked up the blade. It was an old-fashioned razor, belonging to Knuckle, who claimed it was the only way a person should shave. But right now, I had no intention of shaving. And while I hated to bring back old habits…any chance to distract myself from the rips in my heart were welcome…
For several days this kept up. G would bring his new girlfriend home, and she was easily accepted by everyone. But of course, after I say my greetings, I would lock myself in my room, and curl up in the corner, waiting for her to be gone. I had taken to wearing long-sleeved shirts and jackets, more so than before. I would refuse to change in front of anyone or let anyone change any bandages if I got into a fight. I was scared of how they would react should they see how my arms were now littered with scars. Some deep, some light… They made me feel sick just looking at them. I was ashamed of what I was doing to myself, but I found it the only way to cope. The physical pain covering the emotional…how else was I to able to get through the nights where he has her stay over? How else was I able to handle walking down the stairs to get a drink, only to see them locked in passionate kisses? To be given a chance after all these years, a chance to be with him finally, only for it to be taken away so quickly…how cruel would you have to be to think that was alright to do…? How else could I manage?
The others knew I was struggling, they all knew the feelings I held. It was only him who was oblivious. And even with all these angry thoughts about him, I was still so hopelessly in love. Which only made him finding out that much more painful.
It was after a training session, but with my mind so preoccupied, my hand slipped and I cut my shoulder. Refusing the help offered to me proved fruitless and my shirt was pulled off. For the time being, my cuts were hidden under the blood and I wondered if I was going to get away with it. But no such luck. As G cleaned me off, he grabbed my arm, glaring at me as he saw all the scars.
"What is this?" His tone so harsh, I cringed back, trying to tug my wrist away, but he clung tighter. "Where are you getting these from? Are you doing this? Asari, tell me!" My jaw grabbed, I was forced to look at him, to meet his gaze, to see the look of angered concern in those gorgeous eyes. …I couldn't tell the truth.
"It's nothing," I replied, somehow managing to pull away this time. Holding my wrist that now stung from being gripped so hard, I blinked back the tears that threatened.
"Asari, that isn't nothing. Why are you doing this? You could kill yourself!"
"…Why do you smoke?" I retorted, glaring back at him with watery eyes.
"Asari, this isn't the same!"
"Isn't it? You cope with that, I cope with this! It's the exact same!" I snapped back, but before he could reply, I took off on a run, not looking back.
After that, I couldn't face him at all. I took to being locked in my room for the majority of the day, sitting by my bed, a small blade pressed against my wrist at all sorts of hours. I felt numb. Not even the pain was getting through. I gave up eating, sleeping, drinking… How long had it been since I was found out? Only a few days at tops…but it felt like years. I was pretty sure G kept what he found out to himself, not wanting to upset Primo with it. Besides, how would he react to his own friend and guardian being in such a state? The one who seemed to have it all together, who could smile at any situation… To see me like this…it would break his heart as well. And as much as I couldn't let G know how much he hurt me, I couldn't let Primo be hurt, either…
Leaning my head back, I closed my eyes, my lips cracked with thirst and stomach growling with hunger. I was prepared to die here. I considered it so much. But if I could just…struggle through it, it should be alright, right? The other girlfriends, they never lasted more than a few months, right? And surely, this one was just a passing phase, too. Surely after what happened with his last one, he wouldn't think to keep her, right? Ah, how wrong I was…
Perhaps an hour later, Primo seemed to have snapped from the concern and got someone to break down my door. The next little while was kind of a blur of activity, as they forced me to eat, drink, and stayed by my side as I slept to help me should I have a nightmare or anything of the sort. Once my state had been recovered, Primo took me to his room and I had no choice but to confide in him, but I stayed quiet about the scars. And bless him, even though I knew for sure that he knew something else was up, he didn't question me about it for the time being. Instead, he made plans with me so that every time G came home with his girl, the blond and I would leave the house for a few hours until she left. And during the nights she stayed over, I was allowed to stay over at the local inn, to avoid me having to listen to them.
And for the most part, it worked. I began to recover, physically that is. My chest still hurt at all hours of the day, but Primo tried his best to keep me occupied. But it was slowly starting to not work. I still couldn't look at G anymore, and I began to miss him desperately. His warmth, his scent, his voice… I missed tracing his tattoo as he slept; I missed admiring him as we lay beside each other. I could still picture every part of him, the exact shape of his muscles, the way his shoulders and chest moved as he breathed, how his skin seemed to shimmer in the moonlight as he adjusted in his sleep… I missed his kisses, the way he bit me, marking me as his. Those bites were now long gone, making the fact that G had moved on even more apparent, and even more painful. And what happened next let me know for sure that never would I receive another mark from him.
Everyone had gone out for training once more, save for myself and G. I contemplated apologizing for avoiding him so much lately, but as I decided that I would for sure, there was a knock on the door. And you can imagine who it was. And she was looking quite serious. I tried my best to stay out of the way, to ignore what was going on as I busied myself in the kitchen. Until their exchange of words.
"G…you really do love me, right…?"
"…Of course I do."
"Then…would you be willing…to start a family with me?"
At this, I abandoned what I was working on, and slipped out of the kitchen, racing up the stairs. I couldn't hear his reply, I didn't want to. I didn't need to.
Putting my head against my door, I struggled to open it; my hands shaking so much as hot tears blurred my vision. I couldn't believe it, I couldn't take it. I couldn't even register if that voice was excited or disappointed, did it matter? Of course he would want to settle down with the one he loves. He wanted to do that with Sienna, after all. I was such a fool to think I, as a man, ever had a chance with him.
Somehow managing my door open finally, I closed it quickly and ran over to the bedside table, ripping open the drawer to pull out the blade that rested there. I had finally stopped using it, having no real reason to as I had other ways to distract myself. But right now, there was nothing in the world that could cover the pain I felt now. Gripping the knife tightly, I pressed it against my arm, panting and sobbing as I watched the blood drip down my wrist. But it wasn't enough. I could still feel everything.
My actions started to turn sporadic and quick in a desperate attempt to cover the searing in my chest. But all too late, I realized I had gone too far.
Dropping the blade, I leaned my head against the side of the bed, watching in horror as the blood quickly pooled around me. I was dizzy, cold…scared. I hadn't meant for this to happen again. There were other people I was important to…how would they react to find me in such a state? After what happened with Sienna, surely G would blame himself for this, too… Ah, I was such an idiot! …But I had no strength to try and cover the wound. I couldn't even lift my arm to grab the blanket and wrap it around me. So, this was it…wasn't it?
But, no, it wasn't. Not yet, that is.
My door opening, there was a rush of footsteps and I was sat up by warm, familiar hands. Opening my bleary eyes, I could just make out the face of my beloved, which only caused me to weep more.
"Asari! What is this, why…?" He didn't finish, but instead just grabbed the blanket, tying it around my arm, staunching the flow, even if it was obvious that doing that would still do no good. "You stay right here, I'm going to call Primo," he began, but as his grip on me loosened, I mustered some strength and grabbed him, clinging as tightly as I could.
"W-wait…don't…" I panted, leaning into his chest. "Please…just…stay here… I don't think…I'm going to…"
"Asari, don't say things like that! If I don't do something, then—"
"Please! G…it's too late," I sobbed, no letting up on my grip. "Please…just…I just want you to…h-hold me now…please…"
I could tell he was reluctant. And even I was, too. But I would rather be in his arms one last time than risk passing on alone. As much as I would hate to put the others through the pain of losing another, there was nothing we could do anymore. Relaxing as his warm arms wrapped around me, holding me close, I tried my best to keep my eyes open, for fear that if I closed them I wouldn't wake.
"Shh, don't talk anymore, save your strength," he whispered, petting my hair. But I shook my head, apologizing again.
"I…already said…it's too late n-now… B-besides…even if I l-lived…it wouldn't be…for long."
His eyes turning to mine, he furrowed his brow in worry. "What…? Why?"
Somehow being able to smile, I wished I could touch his face once more. "Do you know…about lovebirds…?" I asked, my voice still as soft as ever. "How…when the mate dies…the other g-gives up on life…?" Taking a shuddered breath, I blinked back further tears, my smile growing little by little. "But…did you know…if you were to separate them….but allow them to still see a-and…hear each other…they cannot f…function and are unable to…bond with anything else…?"
"…You don't mean…"
"I…I do… I'm in…l-love with you, G…" I finally admitted, giving a light, watery laugh. "I've…loved you for so long… I'm sorry…that I never told you sooner…" My smile fading, however, I leaned against him once more, the depression sinking in again. "But…even if I lived…whether I loved you…or not, it doesn't matter…does it? Because…you will marry her…"
For the majority of this time, he didn't seem to react. I figured it was because he was just so stunned. I hoped that was the case. And not that he didn't even care. But as he spoke again, I realized it was because he was holding back sobs of his own. "Y-you think…I was going to marry her?"
Blinking a few times, I glance up to see tears streaking his face. "You…aren't…?" And seeing him shake his head, my breath caught in my throat. Clinging to him even more now, my eyes grew wide with fear. I wanted to live even more now. I didn't want to die at all. I thought it would have been okay to pass on, as long as G had someone else by his side. But if he didn't, then… But this last spurt of emotions was too much for my already weakened body. But I couldn't stop crying at this point. "G…I don't want to die!"
"Asari! Shh, shh! Calm down, it'll be okay! I-it'll be okay, just…just calm down, I-I'll call Primo and Daemon can patch you up and—" but his throat stuck mid sentence, as we both knew I was too foregone. "A-asari…" Dropping his forehead against mine, we both fell silent, except for our pained sobs.
Beginning to feel the cold grips of Death, even through G's warm embrace, I brought my eyes up to his once more. "G…can I ask one more…favour of you? Wh-whether you mean it…or not…please…say you…l-love me…?"
Holding each other's gaze for a second or two, he nodded, but did more than I asked for. Pressing our lips together, when he pulled away, his soft breath fell against my face as he whispered my request.
"Koishiteru, Asari Ugetsu… I will never forget you."
"…A-and I...will never stop...loving you...G…" I whispered back, and with the last of my strength, I touched his face one more time, before at last letting myself fall into Death's darkness…