This was made for the tf-prime's Winter Wish List on Livejournal.
Prompt: Orion doesn't lose his memories during finale, but is only pretending that he has.
The person said it could be either cracky or serious, so naturally, I took the cracky route with a lot of input from my sis!
****Warning: This is extremely cracky, there is so much OOC-ness it's ridiculous, and also contains vague spoilers for finale of Transformers Prime.****
Optimus stirred, almost forgetting what had happened. As his system slowly re-booted, he smiled to himself.
He had not only defeated Unicron, but had also survived. He was going home; so many things were waiting for him back at the base.
His friends, his stuff, the phone he uses to prank call Fowler on quiet nights, his experiment Bumble-Be Gone! spray he was working on, the chance to laugh at his team's failures…
With another smirk, he remembered fondly how he planned to destroy Ratchet's lab then blame it entirely on Bulkhead.
Ahh, good old Ratchet: old, old Ratchet, always moaning about something.
"Optimus" the red and white medic approached his leader as they prepared to leave with Megatron to fight Unicron.
Optimus smiled warmly, "Fear not, old friend, even in the darkest of places, there is a glimmer of hope"
Ratchet frowned, "Did you get that from a fortune cookie?"
"Wisdom comes in many forms, some very small and tasty"
"Right, well I wanted to remind you about your duty" Ratchet folded his arms.
Optimus stared back blankly, "Duty?"
"If you survive, the minute you get back, you're cleaning the sewage system! I'll leave the brushes out for you"
Shuddering at the memory rather than at the pain, Optimus groaned and face-palmed. How was he going to get out of it this time?
"Teamwork, humph" Megatron said from across the room as he stood up.
Hearing his former friend's voice, Optimus thought quickly. Perhaps Megatron could hide him from Ratchet for a while, at least until someone did the job for him.
He began to pull himself up, hearing Megatron's approach. What was that name he used to like?
Looking up blearily, he forced himself to squint at Megatron, trying to make himself look as pathetic as possible.
Masking his shifty eyes as looking around himself, he quickly stated, "Where are we Megatronus?" hoping he got the name right.
Megatron stopped suddenly, giving Optimus a "what the hell" look before frowning and retracting his blade.
'Must be one of those happy frowns' Optimus thought.
Megatron suddenly offered his hand out, and Optimus took it quickly, maybe a bit too quickly.
As Megatron pulled up Optimus, he spoke. "Don't you remember old friend?"
"Sure don't!" Optimus answered automatically. Realizing Megatron doesn't wear a face-mask, Optimus quickly retracted his so he wasn't the freak of the room.
Something crashed behind Megatron, and they both looked.
"Optimus! Are you okay?" Bulkhead demanded.
Realizing he had to make his story sound legitimate, he quickly blurted out "Why did he call me that?", having to force back laughter as Megatron smirked, clearly having bought the story.
Arcee ran forward first, asking Megatron "What did you do to him?"
Again trying to make his point clear, Optimus added "Who are they?" as seriously as he could manage, though inside he was laughing so much.
As a ground bridge appeared, Optimus hoped it wasn't Ratchet coming to grab him for the sewage cleaning duty. Man, was Ratchet scary!
"Our mortal enemies!" Megatron answered suddenly, grabbing Optimus' shoulder. "Go! I'll cover you!" he shoved him towards the ground bridge.
"He's clearly having the time of his life" Optimus muttered to himself, "And no sewage duty for me, win-win!" he continued towards the bridge, uncaring of the fact Megatron was shooting at his fellow teammates.
Just before entering, he stopped. As he turned he spotted Bumblebee, clearly upset about something, but what he couldn't imagine.
'Haha! Now its your job sucker!' he gloated in his head as hard as he could, hoping Bumblebee might receive the message.
As Optimus left into the Decepticon ground bridge, he heard several blasts, hoping that Ratchet had just opened a ground bridge and incidentally got shot in the face…that could only improve it…he shivered, suddenly wondering if Ratchet could read his mind, and that was the reason he got the sewage duty all the time.
Megatron finally followed him through the portal. "I've missed you Orion!" he declared then hugged Optimus as tightly as possible, "Life wasn't the same without you!"
Biting back the urge to retort about how ugly Megatron's face was, he had to wonder, did he used to be this girly?
"Um…I missed you too…" he forced out, seeing Megatron's glance laced with hope and quickly adding "…buddy?"
With a grin, Megatron once more grabbed his hand and pulled him along. "I have to introduce you to all my friends!" When they reached the door, Megatron let go of his hand and turned to face him. "Stay three paces behind me, it's…uh…procedure!"
With that, Megatron straightened up and sauntered into the room, acting high and mighty again. Optimus...or I guess Orion once more…followed, deciding to look at the floor instead of making it look like he was staring at Megatron's aft.
"Welcome back Lord Megatron"
'That voice! It's him! The only 'con who called me pretty…NOT THAT I LIKE HIM OR ANYTHING!'
Breakdown spotted Optimus, aka 'That loser', behind his master. Thinking he could get into Megatron's good books by stopping the apparent sneak attack, he rushed forward, grinning. "Hammer time!" he whispered to himself.
"At ease Breakdown! That is no way to welcome a long lost comrade" Megatron spoke, clearly the happiest he'd ever been in his life.
'Oh Primus…what in Unicron have I got myself into?' Optimus thought, not realizing he was showing his scared expression. 'This is bad, but at least I'm not scrubbing that sewer…ew…'
"Orion Pax is one of us"
Orion looked down again. 'Haha! What a dorky name! What loser would be called Orion Pax…oh wait…that's me, I made myself sad!' As he looked up, he saw Megatron's scrutinizing gaze so he smiled, too busy thinking about Bumblebee in the sewer to realize Megatron smiled back.
"Soundwave!' Megatron suddenly ordered, bringing Orion from his musings. "Check Orion's processor to make sure he remembers nothing…oh, and um, wipe what I just said too!"
Soundwave nodded and led Orion out and into a closet.
"Pssst, Soundwave, I got a confession to make" Orion whispered. "I didn't lose my memories, but could you spy on Ratchet for me? He terrifies me, and I suspect he's Unicron!"
Soundwave stared at him for a moment before collapsing, his processor instantly crashing!
"Well, I guess I'm clean" Orion said out loud and walked out of the closet, somehow locking Soundwave inside.
Starscream approached him suddenly. "I don't trust you!"
"Nice heels" Optimus instantly said.
"Why does everyone keep saying that? I don't wear heels!" Starscream transformed and flew away. As the jet left, behind him had been Airachnid.
"Don't get ideas! I'M the only femme around this joint!" the spider-woman hissed at him.
Orion raised his arms quickly in surrender. "Sir, I'm not a femme"
Airachnid folded all eight of her arms, "GOOD! Stay that way!" and with that, she swung away.
Orion shrugged and walked down the corridor. "Nice bots around here" he murmured, suddenly spotting a queue of Eradicons. "With a queue this long its gotta good!" he decided as he took his place in the line.
Before him stood two Eradicons, moaning at each other.
"Do you believe it! I got stuck with cleaning the sewage system for the second time this cycle!" the shorter one of the two complained loudly.
"HAHA!" Orion stated loudly before he could stop himself, rewarding the entire Nemesis with an awkward silence for the next minute or so.
The other Eradicon cocked his head to the side in confusion. "Wait, why do we even HAVE a sewage system?"
"THAT REMINDS ME!" Orion suddenly yelled out, "I'm late for my medical exam!"
Transforming into a truck, Orion ran through the queue of Eradicons, knocking them all over the place like bowling pins. Soon he was crashing through the automatic doors to the medical bay.
Knock Out stared at him, traumatized by his sudden appearance during his daily buffing session.
Orion transformed back into robot mode and nodded once to the medic.
"Why are you here?" Knock Out asked confusedly.
"Well you see, today I had a medical exam with Ratchet, and when I'm late he beats me. I assumed my appointment was transferred over with my medical records…please tell me the beating wasn't also transferred!" Orion explained desperately.
Typing on the computer, Knock Out nodded. "Your right! He Skyped it to me earlier! He also asked me to play this to you"
A video appeared on the screen of a very angry Ratchet, causing Orion to flinch.
"Optimus…you better not be faking your amnesia, otherwise…!"
Orion couldn't help but scream like a femme, causing Airachnid to burst into the medical bay.
"I HEARD THAT!" She growled lowly before leaving.
All of a sudden, Megatron's voice boomed over the speakers of the ship. "EVERYONE, ITS QUIZ NIGHT!"
Knock Out sighed, "Great…I hate this, the prize would ruin my finish…I'm so gonna flunk it!"
The cherry red medic led Orion to the bridge where everyone was comfortably sat at an exam desk.
As Orion was passed the exam, he did a double take. Why was it so easy? He could ace this…and win! He'd never won anything before…except the Prime thing I guess…but usually Ratchet stole the victory from him with that freaky brain of his…weirdo.
After about ten minutes of furious scribbling, Megatron collected the papers and marked them.
"Minus twenty six…well-done Knock Out! Your getting better at this!"
Orion frowned, 'Wow, he must suck!'
Megatron continued, "Minus fifteen, better than last time Breakdown…minus fourteen, great job Starscream buddy!" Megatron threw a thumbs up at the seeker. "Minus four, tough break Airachnid, but for once your not the worst!"
Orion was seriously confused by this stage.
"Orion…poor, poor Orion…didn't you read the rules? This was the FAIL!test, your supposed to fail…and you got one hundred percent! Oh well…live and learn, eh buddy?"
Scratching his helm in confusion, Orion asked "So I lost?"
"Nope, you won!" Megatron declared, holding up a horrible looking giant toilet brush.
"HAHA!" The Eradicon from that queue laughed loudly.
This caused Orion to scream like a femme again, just as a ground bridge opened and Ratchet's head popped through.
"Optimus! Or should I say Orion…NO! You've been lying to us all, but especially me…but especially Soundwave! I read your mind…and then your memories!"
Still screaming, Optimus ran through the ground bridge and back into the Autobot base.
Ratchet smirked and waved happily at Megatron. "See you tomorrow night for friendship week!"
"I wouldn't miss it!" Megatron declared, "And if he's not too stinky from cleaning the sewers, bring Orion too"
"I'm glad our plot worked to stop him being a troll by making him clean the Autobot sewers!" Ratchet nodded and went back into the ground bridge portal.
Optimus straightened as he spotted Bumblebee, plotting again. Before he could act, Ratchet pulled him back towards the lab.
"Don't you even think about it! You wanted a sewer, you take care of it!"
Ratchet forced a brush into Optimus' servo before leaving, muttering about something. As the medic left, Optimus spotted Unicron's horns sprouting from Ratchet's helm, causing him to scream like a femme for the third and final time of the day.
He collapsed onto the floor, finding consciousness slip away from him.
All there was was blackness…
Soundwave sat up, finally awake again, but still in the cupboard.
"Ratchet…terrifies me…Unicron!" Soundwave played to himself, shrugging slightly before adding on "Hypothesis correct" and laying down and slipping easily into a peaceful and happy recharge.