The Snake Pit of Little Chucky's Mind - AKA: Typist Insert
Disclaimer: I do not own HP or the guy who types up all my fics… yet!
"Finish a story before I banish you!" The voice thundered waking Charles from his nap.
"Who? Huh?" Charles muttered as he blinked sleep from his eyes and glanced around. "Strange dream." It only took five minutes of staring at the bank of monitors showing empty stores before Charles pulled out pen and paper to start writing; the only people around were a couple of other security guards which made third shift a breeze as long as you could stay awake.
Taking the cap off his Precise V5 rolling point pen he wondered what to write; he had a stack of partially written fics over a foot high at home that he hadn't even typed in yet. Not being able to bring a laptop or go online and read his own in-progress fics and figure out how to continue them he decided to start another new fic to keep himself entertained.
The sound of thunder rolled ominously outside and he glanced out the window but the skies were clear. Shrugging he went back to watching the monitors while considering the possibilities.
Tiny flicks of light gathered behind him as a veritable legion of muses began to form.
"Buffy loses her Slayer abilities but refuses to give up the fight, learning what it's like to face the dark as a normal human..." Charles said thoughtfully, "Nah, I can't see that happening; early Buffy wanted some sort of mythical 'normal' life and always hated being the Slayer. That story would end up with Kendra and her Watcher sent to Sunnydale to take Buffy and Giles' place while Buffy dukes it out socially with Cordelia for queenship. It'd be nothing more than high school melodrama with vamps in the background."
A speck of light floated off dejectedly.
"Dawn and Xander fall in love and have sex as in canon but a joking wish from Dawn that she wished they'd been doing this since they first met sends the two back in time to the first time they met when she was 11 and he was 15... Has some promise but you'd have to deal with all the people who think hormones aren't issued until you turn 18 and you'd alienate all the easily squicked readers. Much too kinky for mainstream in other words."
Another speck of light flew off, making notes on possible revisions.
"Dave and Mindy gain the memories of Xander and Dawn from the Buffy Halloween episode. Dave ends up with the Primal in residence and Mindy discovers the ability to open portals," Charles mused with a chuckle. "That would be amusing; Mindy's response would be to hunt down and kick Dawn's ass, Buffy would get involved but the skill level of Hit Girl that both girls would have means her getting her ass handed to her. Dave would come with her of course and that would lead to Dave and Xander trying to keep the two apart."
The section of the cloud of sprites working on Kick Ass and Buffy and the Vampire Slayer fanfiction rippled happily; more interest in their area meant more work for them.
"If we set it early in Kick Ass we could save Big Daddy which would make Mindy more reasonable." He muttered thoughtfully as he brought his pen down on the paper …
There was a flash of light and Charles was gone, his pen making a line on the blank sheet of paper as it fell.
Charles clutched his head as he fell to his knees, feeling as if someone had taken an axe to his skull in order to perform a little trepanning.
Some fat kid clutched his arm blubbering and two skeletal forms approached clad in tattered black robes. Pushing the fat kid behind him Charles stepped forward and kicked it in the groin as hard as he could.
If it was possible for a skull to show surprise and pain it certainly did so as it fell to the ground and curled up in the fetal position.
The other creature stared in shock, never having seen anything like this before. Unfortunately for it that gave Charles more than enough time to repeat the procedure on it with just as satisfactory results.
"H-Harry?" The fat kid stuttered out and Charles realized that he was Harry Potter in the same way that War and Peace was a joke book if you added a chapter of jokes to the end. Still he might as well start thinking of himself as Harry or things could get ... confusing. "What are those things?" Dudley asked, recovering now that they weren't projecting their aura of fear and despair.
"Dementors," Harry replied, kicking one in the head when it looked like it might get up. "I've got it under control, you're safe now."
"You could have left me and saved yourself."
"No I couldn't. Besides, once you get past the whole mind numbing fear bit they aren't that tough."
Harry turned and found Mrs. Figg hurrying out to them before she saw the dementors and froze in shock.
"Afternoon Mrs. Figg," Harry said politely.
"Dumbledore is sending some people to help … what did you do to them?"
Harry glared at the two dementors who looked to be recovering, "Stay down!" He hissed.
With dual cracks a pink haired witch and a bald black wizard arrived.
"Alright … what the hell?" The pink haired woman screeched.
"Auror Shacklebolt," the large black man introduced himself. "Can you tell me what happened?"
"Sure," Harry nodded, "these two creatures attacked us; I fought back and now they're ready to be taken into custody."
"Tonks," the pink haired woman introduced herself. "You must have one hell of a patronus."
"I do," Harry said agreeably, not bothering to explain what had happened.
"If they're dementors, why don't I feel anything?" Tonks asked.
"Because that mind numbing fear crap pissed me off," Harry replied.
"I guess I can take Harry to the safe house while you take the dementors into custody," Tonks said quickly.
"I got early parole?" Harry said excitedly. "Excellent!"
"Parole?" Tonks asked.
"Yeah, as far as I'm concerned the Dursley's house is nothing more than another prison."
"But it's your home!" Tonks protested.
"Being starved, beaten and locked up has never appealed to me." Harry replied.
"What? But Dumbledore would never-" She began.
"He's either evil or incompetent," Harry replied. "There's no third choice; at any rate let's go get my stuff from my cell and go."
"Cell?" Tonks said worriedly as she followed him.
"Some of my things are in my cell upstairs; it should be unlocked. All my Hogwarts supplies including my trunk are locked in my old cell downstairs and you'll need a good unlocking charm for that." Harry explained as he opened the front door.
Dudley followed meekly behind. "Boy! What're – who're you?" Vernon demanded as they entered.
"Auror Tonks." She introduced herself, holding up a badge.
"What's the boy done now?" Vernon demanded.
"Nothing, he's being taken into protective custody," she replied. "You probably won't get to see him again until next year."
"Bye." Vernon snorted before bringing his paper back up and ignoring them.
Tonks followed Harry upstairs where he collected his things as she took in the room. "The way you talked I expected bars on the windows," Tonks choked, "and look they even have a pet door so your cat can come in and out."
"The twins ripped the bars off when they rescued me." Harry said, "I believe they're still in the Weasley's shed if you want to see them. I don't own a cat; the Dursley's don't like them for some reason. That flap is so they can pass food in and my wastebasket out without having to see me."
Harry gathered his things quickly; shoving them into an old beat up backpack with a broken zipper before leading Tonks downstairs to the cupboard for his school supplies.
"This was my cell for the first eleven years," Harry said conversationally, "I only got an actual room because my first Hogwarts letter was addressed to the cupboard under the stairs."
"And no one ever noticed or reported them?" Tonks snarled angrily.
"Exactly, no one noticed or said anything about how they treat me; it's almost like magic." Harry said bitterly as he drug his trunk outside. "Okay, now what?"
"Portkey," Tonks replied holding out a sock. "Grab hold and we're gone."
Harry landed flat on his back with Tonks sitting on his head; all in all he had to say it was one of his more successful portkey trips.
"Sorry!" Tonks apologized as she scrambled to her feet.
"Don't apologize, just wear a skirt next time you do that." Harry replied absently before he was tackle hugged by Sirius.
"Harry!" Sirius exclaimed.
"Filthy mudbloods!" Came the screeching of the painting of Sirius' mum.
"Shut up you old crone!" Sirius yelled back.
Harry followed the noise to its source, ignoring the ranting of the crazed painting. "There some reason you haven't torn it down yet?"
"Stuck up there with a permanent sticking charm." Sirius said, speaking loudly to be heard over the painting.
"Have you tried tearing out the section of wall its attached to?"
The painting fell silent as Sirius' grin threatened to cut his face in half. Summoning a hammer he quickly went to work at tearing away the wall while the painting ranted and raved. He paused briefly to silence the painting before getting back to work.
The was a loud crack and a small greenish brown figure that looked like Gollum's inbred cousin appeared and jumped on Sirius' leg biting and scratching at him.
Harry burst out laughing while Sirius kept trying to hit the tiny figure and only managed to hit himself.
At some point Tonks had stopped blushing and gotten over her embarrassment because a stunner slammed into Sirius' crotch just missing the elf attached to his leg and dropping him to the ground on top of it.
"Oops," Tonks muttered as the elf popped away. "Enervate," she muttered, waking Sirius the sound lost in Harry's laughter.
"What happened and why do my balls hurt?" Sirius asked groggily.
"A pissed off house elf and a badly aimed stunner," Harry replied. "Let's pick a room for the painting and have the house elf move it there."
"I was going to burn it," Sirius said, shaking off the aftereffects of the stunner.
"It'll be easier on all of us if you let him move it rather than destroy it, trust me."
"As long as I don't have to see or hear her again," Sirius agreed. "Kreacher!"
With a pop the house elf appeared again, "What does bad master want now?"
"Can you move the painting to her bedroom and seal the door shut so nothing can harm it?" Harry asked.
"Bad master will let Kreacher protect mistress?" Kreacher asked suspiciously.
"As long as I can't see or hear her," Sirius said agreeably. With a pop both elf and painting vanished.
"That was brilliant Harry! Want a house elf? Come to think of it, want a house?"
"More than anything!" Harry swore, "I hate being homeless."
"I thought you lived with the Dursley's?" Sirius asked.
"I'm enslaved by the Dursley's there's a big difference." Harry said, his former self may have shied away from reporting when people abused him but Charles had no such qualms.
"I …" Sirius stuttered trying to find the words.
"Don't worry about it Padfoot; I'm out of there now so give me this place and an elf and I'll call it home."
"It's yours pup," Sirius swore, giving him another hug.
Harry felt a little light headed as Sirius released him. As if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he realized he could feel the house around him.
"You've never had it easy have you?" Sirius asked.
"Voldemort may have killed my parents but its Dumbledore that's been the author of my misery," Harry snorted.
Having read through the entire series and joined in hundreds of threads Charles had become convinced that Dumbledore was the true villain of the piece planning on preserving the wizarding world by sacrificing almost an entire generation of muggleborn to perpetuate the cycle and using Harry to prove to himself that he hadn't created Voldemort by ensuring Harry had a similar childhood to see how he turned out.
"He means well but some of his decisions have turned out badly," Sirius admitted.
"Some?" Harry laughed bitterly. "Try all of them and I'm pretty sure they turned out exactly like he wanted them to."
"Maybe we ought to discuss this in private."
"Sure," Harry agreed readily, "come on Tonks let's talk about this where we won't be overheard and you can tell me if Dumbledore is doing evil in the name of good or I'm insane."
"You're kidding right?" Tonks asked as she followed them upstairs.
"He's the serious one, I'm just the comedic relief." Harry replied as he started making plans on how he wanted the series to end since he was playing the role of Harry this time around.
He was pretty sure he could pull off a better ending than canon, hell he was pretty sure Dobby could have.
Author's Note: Why does Charles adjust so easily? He has all of Harry's memories and fanfic authors aren't too attached to reality anyway. The idea behind this is that I would make a boring SI, but I think my typist Godogma would be a lot more entertaining to tortur- err insert into a fic!