So this is much more angsty than anything I think I've written. However, I've recently re-watched TPM and was inspired so to speak. This implies that Qui-Gon survived of course, so it is slightly AU. I want to know what you all think, seeing as I'm still breaching into this fandom and haven't really decided if I am fitting in just yet. So, feedback is always appreciated. Even criticisms, of the constructive variety, are well received.
Also, I'm considering doing another one, from Qui-Gon's perspective, but haven't decided on it yet...This was the one I really wanted to write. Let me know what you all think. But please, read and enjoy.
Did you ever look at me that way my Master?
Did your eyes ever glow with such pride and affection for my accomplishments? Did you ever smile so unbidden from one of my jokes? Did you ever reach out and wrap an arm around me in such a carefree way?
I don't think so.
You were always careful around me. You made sure you were calm and serene. The perfect Jedi. There was never this familiarity. Oh, we knew each other. I know you better than I know myself, as you know me. But we were never this way. Why couldn't we be this way?
I love you like no other, my Master. There is no one else in this Universe or any other who I feel such love and devotion for. I would do anything for you, whatever I could, to make you happy. Ever since I met you my sole purpose has been to make you happy, and proud.
Were you ever proud of me?
I can't imagine so. I'm not that great of a Jedi. Now if that doesn't sound self-deprecating I can't imagine what does. But I don't do anything but state facts. I'm too emotional to be a great Jedi. I'm too…sensitive. I loathe at describing myself that way, but it is true none-the-less. When I see you this way with him…I hurt. My heart stings as you give him so freely what I was denied.
If only I knew how I failed you…If only I knew how I could have done better. It wasn't for lack of trying that I didn't please you, my Master. I pushed myself as hard as I could go. I wanted you to see me. I wanted you to love me. Perhaps it would have just been better to leave me on Bandomeer. At least this way I know. I know now that you were right to have denied me those first times I asked to be your Padawan.
Or perhaps this is my fate, the one chosen for me by the Force. Is this gruel and harsh reality what I was created for? Sitting here, lonely, as the man I would call my Father dotes his attention on another? What place do I have in this Temple any longer? I have done my duty, Force release me from this prison. From living in the shadow of their love.
All I ever wanted was your love, Master. To see you smile at me how you smile at him. To laugh with me the way you laugh with him. But that isn't my destiny, is it? The Force has chosen me for a different path. The path one must walk alone. It is my calling, and I can see that now. I was not created to be loved and sought after; I was created to clear the way.
You were so scarred, my Master. Xanatos had cut you deeply. You could not be this way with him if it had not been for me. I can see that. You would have treated him the way you treated me. Holding him away from your heart. Such a young, impressionable boy would have been torn apart by such things. Of course, that's what I was too, wasn't it? I was a young, impressionable boy who wanted your affection. And, having been denied, I have been torn apart.
But I am simply a casualty of the Force's design. An acceptable loss in the grand scheme of things. What am I compared to him? He, The Force's Champion.
I am nothing.
I am no one.
I am not loved by my Father. I am not needed by the Force. I am adrift in this life, tethered to no one, bonded to no one. I have done my duty, now can I at last be free? Free from him? Free from you, my Master?
You are already free from me. As I stand here, off to the side, I know I am the furthest thing from your mind. I wonder if I will ever cross your mind again. I doubt it. Who reminisces about the unwanted? The unloved? The one overlooked by all he adores?
No, I was not overlooked, I was seen, and I was still unwanted. I was never chosen. As a child, no Masters chose me. You didn't choose me, I was thrust upon you. Perhaps you've always resented me. But it was the Force's design, my Master, not mine. Please do not hate me for doing my duty.
It is time now that another completes his duty. The pathway is clear, Master, I have made sure of that. Your heart is safe to trust this child. Now give him the guidance and love you were meant to. Do your duty, so he can do his.
Because he is the Chosen One.
Whether by Force's design or not, I do not know. But he is chosen in the only way that matters to me. He is chosen by you.