These are short stories about South Park's very own tap-dancing champion, the one and only Leopold "Butters" Stotch. I don't own South Park or Butters, but I wish I did.

Definition, Please?

Kenny, Cartman, and Butters walk down the hallway at South Park Elementary. Butters smiles uncomfortably as Kenny and Cartman discuss the latest Pirates of the Caribbean installment.

"Dude, it totally sucked ass. I mean, I get that they were trying to 'simplify the plot' after the last two movies, but God! It was just so fucking stupid," Cartman complains as they reach their lockers.

The three boys open their lockers and fish around for their stuff.

("Yeah, that sucked, but I think the worst part was that they lost Kiera Knightley. That chick totally gives me a boner,") Kenny replies in a muffled voice.

Butters glances at Kenny, somewhat confused. "What's a boner?"

Kenny starts to laugh as he closes his locker, and Cartman gives Butters a condescending look from a few lockers down.

"God, Butters, you're such a goddamn idiot," Cartman sighs as he slams his locker door. He and Kenny walk away. Butters just looks confused.

"Fellahs? I-I'm serious! What's a boner?"

He doesn't get a response. Bewildered, Butters walks over to Kyle, who is rummaging through his locker at the other end of the hall.

"Kyle?" Butters asks, tapping his knuckles together nervously.

Kyle doesn't look up. "Yeah?"

"Uh, what's a boner?"

Kyle continues to search for his things in his locker. "It's a hard-on," he replies without looking.

"Oh, okay then. Thanks," Butters says as he walks away.

After a few seconds, he pauses to think. Then he walks up to Stan, who is talking to Wendy by her locker.

"Uh, hey Stan?"


"What's a hard-on?"

Stan and Wendy glance at each other.

"It's a boner," Stan says. He takes Wendy's hand and the two walk away. Butters, meanwhile, looks even more confused than before.

Butters sits in his seat as the bell rings, starting the school day. Mr. Garrison walks into the room. Bored, Mr. Garrison sighs, turns to the chalkboard, and begins to write. "Okay, class, let's pick up from where we left off yesterday. Now, as you all know, Zha Zha Gabor had the deepest canyon of a vagina mankind has ever seen. But Elizabeth Taylor-"

"Mr. Garrison?" Butters interrupts.

Mr. Garrison sighs and turns around. "What is it, Butters?"

"What's a boner?"

Most of the students in the class begin to giggle. Mr. Garrison looks unsure about how to respond.

"Well, Butters," he says slowly, "when a man sees something exciting, sometimes his whole body gets excited. And some of those body parts are very-" Mr. Garrison stops and suddenly appears to ponder whether or not he should continue answering Butters' question. "You know what? I'm just going to stop right there. So as I was saying, Elizabeth Taylor was a pretty filthy slut herself..."

Butters sighs and looks glumly down at his desk.

After school that day, Butters walks into his house. Inside, his father is sitting on the couch and reading the newspaper.

"Dad?" he asks.

Stephen sips his coffee and doesn't look away from the paper. "Yes, Butters?"

"What's a boner?"

Stephen glances at him, lowering his newspaper slightly. "Uh… what?"

Butters repeats himself. "What's a boner?"

Stephen, looking uncomfortable, folds up his newspaper before answering. "Um… well, you see, Butters, sometimes when a man feels… excited, he will feel certain… 'urges,' and his boy body parts will get ready to satisfy those urges. And it's all just part of being a man." He puts his hand on Butters' shoulder. "Do you understand?"

Butters stares at him for a few seconds. Then, sighing in frustration, he walks past the couch and goes upstairs.

Butters is on the phone. He stares into space as he waits for someone to pick up the other line. At last, someone answers.

"Grandma?" Butters says with a somewhat concerned expression on his face. "It's me, Butters. ...Yeah, I'm swell. Grandma, could you tell me what a boner is?" Butters pauses as he picks up a notebook and a pencil. "I said, 'Could you tell me what a boner is?' ...You know, a hard-on." Butters listens to his grandmother's response and takes notes on her comments. "Okay. Thanks, Grandma. ...I love you too. Bye-bye."

Butters looks at the definition he wrote down: "Flow of blood to penis during sexual arousal. Erection." Butters looks at this definition with puzzlement. He flips backwards through the pages of his notebook, where he has written down various other definitions he has acquired: "Excitement," "Urges," "Boy parts," "Hard-on," "Woodie," and "Wee Wee."

"Aw, hamburgers," Butters says in disappointment. "I just don't know what all this means!" Frustrated and losing steam, Butters rests his head in his hands as he leans over his desk.

Suddenly, a brilliant idea strikes him. "Of course!" he shouts, running from the room. "The Internet!"

Butters sits at his family computer, smiling as he opens the Internet. After accessing a search engine, Butters enters his query: "boner." A horrified expression flashes onto Butters' face as the recommended sites begin to flash.

"Sweet Jesus!" he yells. He looks down, in the direction of his nether regions. "There's a bone in my penis?"

Everyone knows it's Butters! (That's me!)