In the middle of writing my Tom Riddle fic, I decided to watch Star Wars and then in the middle of watching Star Wars, an idea hit—hence my first ever crackfic. xD
Note: I own neither of the characters portrayed in this oneshot—though I claim sole ownership of the plot.
Warning: contains intense violence against nauseating Twilight characters. You have been warned.
A long time ago, in a galaxy hidden in the middle of the universe...
Existed the Villain's Council.
As the name states, the Villain's Council is a council of villains from other universes. Villains ranging from Jafar to Hannibal Lecter are on this council. With every manner of villain on the council, one would think that their monthly meetings would end in bloodshed, but not really—they were quite civil with one another. Oh, a few black eyes and haemorrhaging were regular occurrences, but they were never really so ghastly that one would call the council total barbarians.
Meetings, as previously stated, are held once a month. All members are required to leave whatever manner of evil they were doing and to report immediately—otherwise said unfortunate member would have to answer to the Dreaded Duo, two of the Council's most feared and powerful villains.
This month was very unusual for the Council, for this month there were actually two meetings—the first was a regular meeting and this meeting was called in order by one of the Dreaded Duo.
"They're late!" the Green Goblin declared, banging his fists on the top-quality long oak table where they all sat around. "He calls for a meeting, and yet he's late! In fact, both of them are late!"
"They've never been late before," Hannibal muttered, leaning back against his chair.
"D'you think the Rebels got Vader?" Lex Luthor asked, scratching his chin thoughtfully.
"Highly unlikely," Magneto, who was a supporter of Vader, said.
"How would you know?" Luthor said. "Been writing letters to him, have you?"
"You know, I'm not even going to reply to the likes of you!"
"You just did."
"Hey!" Poison Ivy snapped, raising her voice. "Can it, you two. Anyway, Vader being late is understandable—he lives in a far off galaxy. What I want to know is why Voldemort is late—Milky Way isn't that far off, you know."
"Maybe Potter finished him off," Orochimaru said snidely.
"Voldemort, lose to the likes of that skinny bag of flesh?" Sauron asked quietly, folding his arms and frowning at Orochimaru. The One Ring glinted on his finger.
"Or maybe he's busy thinking of a way to curse you into oblivion?" a high pitched, cold voice said. A second later, Voldemort materialized at the head of the table with a faint pop, his massive snake, Nagini, draped about his shoulders.
Orochimaru scoffed, but said nothing. "Took you long enough," Jafar said snidely.
"Don't give me that tone, you pathetic excuse of a sorcerer!" Voldemort snapped, slitted nostrils flaring.
Once again, Poison Ivy cleared her throat. "Shouldn't we start?" she said, annoyed.
"Where is Vader?" Voldemort asked, scarlet eyes sweeping the Meeting Hall.
"Hasn't shown up yet," scoffed the Green Goblin. "I think that tin pot of a suit is slowing him do—" He suddenly stopped talking and grasped his throat with both hands.
"Say that again, will you?" Vader said as he appeared out of the shadows, his long black cape swirling about him, and the Imperial March playing in the background.
"You know, I can never figure out how he manages to get that theme of his to play through the system when he arrives," Lex Luthor said aloud.
"He begged me to charm the system," Voldemort said, rolling his eyes. Vader could do everything in his power to deny it, but it was true (the Sith Lord actually admitted that he liked to make a dramatic entrance).
"Vader, please let go of Goblin—he's actually turning blue," Sauron said, amused.
Vader released his hold and the Green Goblin gasped in mouthfuls of air, regaining his normal shade of green. The Sith Lord made his way to the head of the table to stand beside Voldemort. They were, quite predictably, the Council's Dreaded Duo—and it didn't hurt that their names were alliterations. Made them seem more sinister.
"Now that we're all here," Voldemort said. "We can—"
"Hold on!" Orochimaru said, glancing around. "There over a hundred villains not present yet!"
"They shall answer to me," Voldemort said softly, fingering his wand. "I have invented a heinous new spell, and am itching to try it on someone."
"Try it on that Nega-Chin freak," Poison Ivy said, rolling her eyes.
Vader cleared his throat loudly. "This meeting is now in session." He turned to Voldemort.
"A few weeks ago, my Death Eaters infiltrated the Wizarding community of the United States," Voldemort went on. "There, they discovered a species so hideous it would make you shiver in your seats."
"What did they find?" Hannibal asked, leaning forward.
Voldemort paused for effect. "They found...gay vampires."
Everyone stared at him. "Gay vampires?" Lex Luthor repeated.
"Wait, what do you mean?" Magneto asked. "Gay, as in homosexuals?"
"No," Voldemort said. "Gay, as in sparkling fairy-dust gay."
"Vampires don't sparkle!" Rido Kuran snarled, disgusted.
"I know," Voldemort agreed, nodding his head. "The proper vampires in the Wizarding do not sparkle at all."
"What an abomination!" roared Orochimaru. "How dare they go and ruin the image of vampires?"
"What do you want to do, Lord Voldemort?" Jafar asked. "Do you intend to invite their Villain into the Council?"
"Of course not!" Voldemort snapped as everyone voiced their protest.
"I shudder to think at having a sparkling thing in our presence," Sauron said, scoffing. "As if those Elves weren't gay enough."
"We will not have sparkling abominations in this Hall!" roared Poison Ivy. "I think I would quit the Council automatically!"
Everyone roared in agreement, thudding their fists on the table. Voldemort cleared his throat loudly. "I propose that Vader and myself head off and eliminate the whole lot of them," he announced.
"Why do you two get to have all the fun?" Sauron demanded. "I could bring a horde of ogres!"
"We could make this a hunting trip!" Magneto announced. "A way to bond with each other, you know." Every villain's voice grew louder as they voiced their enthusiasm and excitement at hunting down the sparkling monstrosities.
"Quiet!" Vader said, but no one seemed to hear him. Before deliberating if a good Force lightning would get everyone's attention, a loud bang! echoed throughout the Hall. Everyone turned their attention to the Dark Wizard whose wand was pointed high into the air.
"Only Vader and I shall go," Voldemort began, "because we are the most efficient in the Council."
"Indeed?" Jafar asked, standing up and raising his snake staff at Voldemort. "Do you really think that pathetic twig of yours can—"
Jafar immediately dropped to the floor and began twitching like mad, shrieking in pain. Every villain laughed their heads off, as they were wont to do. Voldemort lifted his wand and the curse stopped, leaving Jafar panting on the ground, his tall feathered hat askew.
"What you can do is smoke and mirrors!" Voldemort hissed quietly as Nagini slithered to the floor towards Jafar.
"Master, may I finish him off for you? I have never tasted villain before," Nagini hissed in Parseltongue as she slithered toward Jafar, who backed into the wall, much to the amusement of everyone present.
"As much as I would love to feed him to you Nagini, I am afraid that the laws of the Council forbid its members from killing each other," Voldemort replied.
"Stop that," Vader said to Voldemort.
"That hissing thing you do," Vader said. "It gets annoying after hearing it many times."
Sauron cleared his throat. "So does everyone agree to let Darth Vader and Lord Voldemort take care of these abominations, then?"
"Will they be able to do it on their own?" Luthor asked. Voldemort and Vader glared. "I mean...er...Yes, we agree."
Voldemort nodded then turned to Vader. "Since we shall be headed towards Earth, we shall have to Apparate."
Vader groaned. "Side-Along-Apparition does not appeal to me," the Sith Lord said. "It makes me feel like an underage wizard, which I am not."
"Stop whining!" Voldemort snapped. "I did not object when we flew on one of those flying metal tin ships of yours to attack your Rebels!"
Vader shrugged as he placed a hand on Voldemort's shoulder. They immediately vanished with a faint pop! and a wisp of black smoke.
"And he said I was all smoke and mirrors," Jafar muttered.
Somewhere in the United States, close to Canada, there exists a tiny town named Forks. It was the last place on Earth you would want to live in, if you were so used to the sun. The only reason you would come to love such a small place is if you managed, like a certain Mary-Sue, to find a gay vampire sweetheart, have a baby with said sweetheart (despite how impossible it was), and got turned into a vamp yourself.
In the many forests surrounding this tiny town, a couple were hunting mountain lions to quench their fiery vampire thirst. The names of said couple were Edward Cullen and Bella Cullen, both of whom were vampires, and both of whom were highly gifted. Edward could read minds from afar, which was useful if he and Bella got the urge to 'preoccupy' themselves with one another, which was often. Bella could protect your mind from outside invasion, a deus ex machina for their battle with the Volturi.
"You can't outrun me, love!" Edward called back to his wife as they raced each other home.
Bella let out a loud peal of laughter which sounded not only so cliché, but also like a million tiny bells that could have called people to Church. "We'll see!" she called playfully and she put on a burst of speed, easily catching up to Edward. She made one giant leap and tackled him to the ground. They both rolled over, laughing, Bella right on top.
"You're amazing, you know," Edward said, tucking her curtain of hair behind her ears. "Your power, yourself...everything."
Bella smiled down at him, before giving him a long kiss that would have turned to something deeper, had it not been for Edward pulling away and staring at the forest, his molten topaz eyes narrowed at the trees. "We have company," Edward said, standing up in the blink of an eye and pulling Bella to her feet. "Let's go Love...we have to warn the others."
Bella's eyes widened in surprise. "The Volturi?" she asked, thinking that she could take them down easily.
"No," Edward said. "Something else entirely...Let's go!"
A few miles from where Bella and Edward were, a tiny pop! echoed throughout a small clearing, and Darth Vader and Lord Voldemort appeared.
"Next time, we teleport," Vader said, hating Side-Along-Apparition.
Voldemort drew out his wand and glanced swiftly around. "I sense something," Vader said, staring into the trees. "Something...gay."
Voldemort frowned as he looked up at the gloomy sky. "This weather is gloomier than Severus's face," he said. He turned his attention to the trees. He pointed his wand at them and the trees began to crack around the trunk before falling to the ground with an earsplitting crash!
"Do you want to alert them of our presence?" Vader asked as he drew out his lightsaber.
"Well, look at this way, my wheezing friend," Voldemort said. "Due to the fact that they think they are the most powerful things in this area, I am sure they will come charging to investigate the source of the noise."
He was somewhat right.
As the Dreaded Duo strode through the forest, felling down trees as they did so, Vader stopped in his tracks, his masked face turned to the trees on their right. "I sense something approaching," he announced. No sooner had he said this than several large wolves emerged from the trees.
The wolves surrounded an unfazed Darth Vader and Lord Voldemort. Two wolves—a black and russet—larger than the rest of the wolves in the pack, cautiously approached them. Their size clearly indicated that they were the Alphas.
The black wolf growled menacingly at Vader. "They are not normal animals," Vader said quietly, lightsaber held at the ready.
"I can sense that," Voldemort said, facing the russet wolf. It was so large, its eyes were at level with his. He stared into its eyes and easily accessed its thoughts. "Ah," Voldemort said, amused. "They think they are werewolves."
The wolves growled at the word 'think'. "The last time I checked, it was not a full moon," Vader said.
Voldemort looked disgusted. "No, these beasts are nothing more than human shapeshifters," he said, his mind prowling through that of the russet wolf. As though to further underscore his point, the russet wolf in front of Voldemort suddenly shuddered and in its place stood a young man with dark hair and a muscular physique that would have made the fangirls scream.
"Who are you?" demanded the young man, glaring at the pair of them.
"Why don't you guess, Jacob Black?" Voldemort asked softly, a nasty glint in his eyes. "My, my! You dare to call yourself a Black?"
Jacob looked taken aback. "You know my name?" he said, glaring at them. "Who the hell are you freaks?"
"You don't need to know," Vader said. "As you won't be around for long."
The wolves immediately charged towards them from all sides. Vader swept his hand imperiously, and the wolves and Jacob were all thrown back against the trees, which shuddered at the impact.
"I wanted to do that," Voldemort said.
Jacob immediately phased back into fake werewolf mode and growled menacingly at them as the other wolves shakily got to their feet and lunged towards them again.
Voldemort waved his wand and a massive fiery serpent appeared around him and Vader. Several of the wolves were not able to stop in time and hit the flaming serpent. They immediately disintegrated into ash before the horrified eyes of Jacob Black and Sam.
The other wolves immediately retreated into the trees, and the fiery serpent vanished with a wisp of smoke. "Those phonies were rather unexpected," Voldemort said.
"But it makes this trip all the more worthwhile," Vader added smugly.
The two said no more as they walked strode into the forest.
"Why didn't you see this coming?" Edward rounded on Alice, whose arms were folded across her chest.
"I told you!" Alice said, exasperated. "I can only see one of them—the other one isn't entirely human!"
Edward frowned. Of course, by now, he knew the fate of the wolves and what exactly they were up against. Jacob and Sam had turned up, both sporting broken bones that were almost mending. Edward had immediately delved into their minds, and what he saw there, he thoroughly did not like.
"What are they, Dad?" Renesmee, who was tending to Jacob on the sofa, asked.
"I'm not sure," Edward said, closing his eyes as he visualized the two. One of them had been wearing a strange suit of black armor and the other wore black robes. Through the wolves' minds, he could easily what they were up against.
"One of them was carrying a stick," Jacob said. "The other was carrying a sort of flaming sword."
"More like a laser sword," Edward said, sifting through Jacob's head.
"Their abilities?" Carlisle asked.
"Dead scary," Jacob said. "The guy in the black suit waved his hand, and we were all sorta thrown back. And then the bald dude waved that stick thing of his, and a fiery serpent came out of it." There was raw hatred in his voice.
"We should face them," Bella said, determined to avenge the deaths of her wolfy friends.
"Alice, what are our chances of winning?" Edward asked, turning to Alice.
Alice frowned. "I'm not sure," she said, sighing. "All I can see is the guy with the black suit—and even he's a bit fuzzy."
"Why?" Rosalie asked, frowning. "What's stopping you from seeing them?"
Alice was chewing on her lower lip. "The other one," she said slowly. "He's not...human."
"He got into my head," Jacob suddenly said. "He knew my name, and asked why I'd dared to call myself a Black."
Edward nodded. "He can read minds—Bella's more than a match for him, then."
Bella smiled at him. "We can't just let them come in here and destroy lives!" she announced.
"Wait," Carlisle said, raising his hands. "Maybe something has happened that we don't know of. We should try asking them first, negotiating."
"They're obviously here to kill!" Emmett said. He lived by the saying "Fight now, talk later."
"You can't just expect me to negotiate with them after what they did to the others!" Jacob shouted. Renesmee nodded in agreement.
"Then we fight," Jasper said.
"We're getting closer," Vader said quietly as he slashed through another tree.
Voldemort nodded as he Vanished an obstructive tree with a lazy flick of his wand. Vader suddenly stopped in his tracks and turned to the group of trees on his left. He extended his hand, and there was a loud yelp of surprise as a robed figure came zooming from the shadows, stopping at a heap at Vader's feet. The figure's hood was drawn up, but even as he looked up at Vader, his face was obscured by the mask he wore.
"One of yours, I believe," Vader said to Voldemort.
Voldemort swept towards the Death Eater sprawled on the ground. "My lord!" the Death Eater said, taking off his mask.
"Lucius," Voldemort said glaring down at the Death Eater. "Why are you here?"
"My lord, I was part of the Death Eaters you sent to infiltrate the Wizarding Community of the United—"
"I know!" Voldemort snapped and Lucius stiffened. "Allow me to rephrase, Lucius—why are you still here?"
"I sent Dolohov and Bellatrix back, but remained," began Lucius as he stood up. "I thought that I would assist you in dealing with the...things, my lord."
Voldemort's nostrils flared. "And you think me so weak as to require assistance, Lucius?"
"No, my lord!" Lucius said quickly, for Voldemort appeared to be on the verge of a good Crucio. "I merely wished to be of more use to you..." His gaze suddenly landed on Vader, and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Er...who is this, my lord?"
"I am his sparring partner, Darth Vader," Vader said, without preamble.
"Your sparring partner?" Lucius said blinking in surprise at his lord.
"Yes, Lucius, my sparring partner," Voldemort confirmed, his slitted pupils narrowing at Vader.
"To whom he often loses," Vader added.
Lucius's mouth hung open in surprise, and Voldemort glared at Vader before making a mental note to wipe Lucius's memories clean.
"Say that again?" Voldemort said, rounding on Vader.
"I can sense that you wish to spar, my friend," Vader said solemnly, and if he could, he would have laughed at the look on Voldemort's face. "However, now is not the time to avenge the hundred or so losses you have suffered by my hand. We have more important matters to attend to."
Once again, Vader turned to the trees. "I can sense a strong concentration of gayness in this direction." And he strode through the undergrowth.
"My lord?" Lucius Malfoy said, still following Vader's trailing cloak with his eyes. "That man, is he...?"
"If you value your tongue, Lucius, I suggest you hold it," Voldemort said lazily as he strode after Vader.
"I shouldn't have stayed behind," Lucius muttered darkly as he strode after his master. He had a funny feeling that he was in big trouble.
"It looks like another one's joined the two," Alice muttered. All of them—the vampires, and the remaining werewolves—were awaiting the arrival of their unknown enemies in the large clearing they usually reserved for baseball.
"Another one?" Edward said, exasperated. He, too, could see what Alice saw—wasn't that convenient? "He's human, at least."
"He seems to be nothing more than a pretty boy," Edward went on. "This should be easy enough."
"Alice," Bella said. "When will the intruders arrive? I want to ready my mental shield."
"Soon, Bella, soon," Alice said, closing her eyes. "The three intruders are here."
No sooner had she stopped speaking when the already gloomy skies of Forks darkened and the wind slowly picked up speed. Everyone tensed as three shapes emerged from the shadows of the trees, and, at the same time, Vader's Imperial March played in the background.
"What the—?" Edward muttered at the music. It seemed to emanate from the hooded figure holding a twig.
"Though I find it tiresome, I find the Imperial March makes a nice entrance theme," the hooded figure said. He had a high-pitched cold voice.
"Who are you?" Edward bellowed, taking a step towards them. Bella kept a hand on his arm. She had half a mind to tell her beloved not to join the fight like a real man, and instead run off with her and hide, but wisely kept her mouth shut. Besides—she was itching for a good fight.
The trio standing yards away from the Cullens were the weirdest bunch the sparkling vampires had ever seen. One of them appeared covered in metal armor that gave him an oddly sinister look. They could not see the middle one's face, but he was skeletally thin, holding that long stick in front of him. The other one appeared to be a regular human, but he had long white-blond hair and was wearing a cloak.
Voldemort and Vader stared at the vampires standing yards away from them. Voldemort inwardly growled. These...these...things could not even be called vampires at all! They did not exude the cunning and sinister aura that the creatures of the night gave off—they looked, if anything, like sissies. Though the Dark Wizard did not care much for vampires in the Wizarding world, it rankled him to see creatures of magic being impersonated by such misfits.
Neither Vader nor Voldemort answered the question of the bronze-haired vampire, whose molten topaz eyes narrowed at them. "What do you want, Lord Voldemort and Darth Vader?" the vampire asked.
"He seems quite capable of reading minds," Vader announced.
Voldemort snorted. "Lucius, Occlumency," Voldemort ordered, and Lucius immediately obeyed. Vader himself blocked his mind with the Force.
Edward blinked, surprised that their thoughts suddenly vanished. "Bella!" he shouted. Bella nodded and immediately threw her shield around everyone.
"It seems they aren't intending to play fair," Emmett said, cracking his knuckles.
"Then we take them down," Jasper said confidently.
Voldemort, though he wouldn't admit it, was slightly surprised that the gay ones were able to block their minds from his Legilimency. No matter, no matter—he sensed that the mental shield the woman vampire had cast was a weak one. He could break through it easily enough.
Vader drew his lightsaber and Lucius drew his wand. The Imperial March immediately stopped playing, and the vampires tensed before springing into action. They were nothing more than blurs as they rushed towards the Dark Lords.
Voldemort waved his wand at the same time that Vader waved his hand. The vampires and werewolves were immediately thrown back, landing on the ground with a loud crash.
The vampires immediately stood up and charged once again, nothing more than blurs. Edward, Bella, Emmett and Alice rushed towards Voldemort; while Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Jasper made for Vader. The remaining werewolves, together with Renesmee, made for Lucius.
Voldemort immediately cast his protection orb around him and the vampires rammed uselessly against it, while he cackled madly.
"He's got some kind of shield!" Bella shouted.
"Obviously, you silly girl!" Voldemort snapped. He inwardly sighed. These...things were not worth his time at all! Ah well—at least he could have a little fun with them. After all...it had been such a long time since he'd had any fun, and the last fun duel he had was with Amelia Bones—and it had only lasted for several minutes. Besides...it would be highly amusing to torture the vampmeyers (wait, where did that term come from?).
The vampires drew back as the burly one slammed his fist against Voldemort's protection orb. The burly one let out a loud roar as cracks appeared in his hand. So, they appeared to be made of marble, did they?
"Emmett!" the silly vampire girl with the mental shield said. "Are you all right?"
"Obviously not," Voldemort sneered as the one called Emmett howled with rage and pain.
"Quit hiding behind your shield and fight like a man!" the one with the bronze hair roared, pounding at the protection orb.
"But I am not a man," Voldemort said softly as he drew back his hood, much to the Cullens' horror. "I am much, much more than that!"
"No wonder I couldn't see him," the tiny vampire girl said. "He's...immortal."
"If you're not a man, you're a coward!" the silly mental shield vampire girl snapped.
Voldemort's eyes snapped to her, and Bella's eyes widened in shock as she felt the full force of his mind barging into hers. For an instant, theirs became a silent battle of minds and, eventually, the stronger mind won—Bella was thrown off her feet and landed with a loud crash, and her mental shield immediately vanished. In another fleeting instant, Voldemort invaded the mind of the burly vampire who glared at him, and gleaned all the information he needed about the vampires.
Voldemort cackled as he dispelled his shield. The vampires immediately rushed towards him, several blurs, but before they could even touch him, he vanished and reappeared behind them.
"Sectumsempra!" Voldemort said, making rapid motions with his wand towards Emmett. He could just end it all with a nice Fiendfyre, and return to plot against that annoying Potter brat, but...where was the fun in that?
Suddenly, there was a loud metallic screeching as Emmett slowly crumbled into pieces. "Emmett!" Rosalie shrieked, but couldn't really do anything as her attention was preoccupied by Darth Vader.
The vampires known as Edward, Alice, and Bella turned to Voldemort, snarling with fury. Voldemort let out a loud, cold laugh as the vampires rushed towards him. Once again, he vanished, only to reappear several yards behind them.
"Impedimenta!" the Dark Lord bellowed. The power of the spell knocked all three off their feet and sent them crashing into the trees.
Edward let out a loud swear word as they slowly got back to their feet, the Impediment Jinx slowing them down. "Watch your tongue!" Voldemort hissed as he strode toward them. "Scourgify!"
Soap bubbles immediately streamed from Edward's mouth as Voldemort's high-pitched laugh echoed throughout the clearing. The three vampires snarled as they ran towards Voldemort, their movements slower than a toddler.
"Let's have a little fun, shall we?" the Dark Lord said gleefully. "Crucio!"
Bella immediately fell to the ground, screaming in agony. Edward's expression was one of mangled fury and horror as he attempted to rush towards Voldemort, who vanished and appeared several yards away again. Bella's bell voice was put to maximum volume as Voldemort cast the curse again, his cold laughter mingling with her screams.
Edward swore again. "Bastard!" he snarled, his face that of a furious Adonis.
"I told you to watch your tongue!" Voldemort said, and more bubbles issued from Edward's mouth.
Voldemort lifted his wand and Bella immediately stopped twitching, panting on the ground, her furious golden eyes on Voldemort as she stood up again. "A little breather," he said softly at the advancing vampires. Edward growled at him, like some feral beast. "Would you like to join her as well? Very well. After all, am I not a considerate lord? Crucio!"
Both Edward and Bella fell to the ground, their beautiful voices echoing in agony through the clearing. "You monster!" Alice screeched.
"Oh, do be quiet!" Voldemort said, lifting the Cruciatus curse and leaving the two vampmeyers (again, where did that term come from?) panting on the ground. "Petrificus Totalus!" He watched with amusement as all three vampires' limbs snapped to their sides, and they fell to the ground like the rigid marble statutes they were supposed to be.
Voldemort laughed before pointing his wand and removing the spell from Edward and Bella, both of whom immediately sprang up. A wicked smirk formed on Voldemort's lipless mouth as he pointed his wand at Edward.
Edward, who was about to charge, suddenly stopped in his tracks. "Edward?" Bella said cautiously. When he did not respond, she turned to Voldemort. "What did you do to him?" she shrieked.
Voldemort smirked. "It's not about what I did to him," he said, scarlet eyes gleaming. "It's what he's about to do to you." He turned to Edward. "Tear her limb from limb, into miniscule pieces."
Edward turned to Bella, who backed away, her eyes wide with shock and the pain of a million sorrows. "Edward, Love?" Bella said. "You're not going to do what he says, right? You can't! You love me, don't you? Love?" Bella let out a loud shriek as Edward grabbed her roughly by the arm.
"Oh, fight back, you silly girl!" Voldemort said, eager to see a lover's spat.
Bella glared as Edward gripped her in a headlock. "If you think I could hurt the one I love just to save my life, then you're—!" But before she could finish her sentence Edward ripped her head off with a loud metallic screech. He tore the rest of her body efficiently and quickly.
Voldemort cackled as he lifted his Imperius Curse. Edward blinked and looked down at Bella's severed head, her eyes staring lovingly up at him.
"BELLA!" he screeched. "What...how...Love..." He turned to Voldemort. "You! I'll kill you!" With that, he charged towards Voldemort.
Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Impedimenta!"
Edward immediately slowed down, and Voldemort strode towards him. "Do you really think I killed her, you dotty buffoon?" Voldemort sneered. "No—it was you."
"I could never harm Bella!" Edward snarled, attempting to grab Voldemort, who merely took a lazy step back. "I could never harm the one love of my existence! Do you think I could harm the woman who lit up my gray existence like a comet flashing through the darkness?"
Voldemort looked disgusted. "Even if I could feel love, I would immediately throw it off, if love is as disgusting as your pathetic attempt at prose. But yes—you killed her. I watched as you tore her limb from limb."
Voldemort smirked and then sent Edward a mental image of him tearing Bella limb from limb. Edward's face contorted with pain as he stared down at his two hands. "I...killed her...with my...own two..."
"Yes, yes, you killed her with your own two hands," Voldemort said impatiently, raising his wand as Edward fell to his knees in horror.
"My existence is...nothing...without...my love," Edward said, no longer aware of Voldemort.
Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Being a merciful lord, allow me to relieve you of your loveless existence. Avada Kedavra!"
Voldemort smirked as Edward Cullen fell to the ground, his blank eyes staring. He waved his wand once and a fiery serpent erupted from the end. "Burn them," Voldemort said, and the serpent encircled the remains of Edward, Bella, Emmett and Alice.
Darth Vader's expression was unreadable as Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Jasper rushed towards him. With a wave of his hand, he sent the four vampmeyers (where did that term come from?) flying away from him, with a loud crash as they hit the ground. Oh, the things were fast, he would give them that. But he had the power of the Force on his side, and they had nothing but...gayness.
He watched, his lightsaber thrumming, as the four vampires stood and lunged towards him again. He raised his hand and held them in midair with the Force.
"I can't move!" Rosalie screamed as she kicked and flayed against the invisible power holding her.
"Obviously," Vader sneered.
"Let us go!" Carlisle demanded as he thrashed violently.
"How silly of you to think that I would comply," Vader snorted, approaching him, his lightsaber at the ready. He raised his lightsaber. There was a menacing thrum through the air as Carlisle Cullen fell to the ground, severed vertically in the middle. Unlike Voldemort, he found it tedious to play with his prey.
"Carlisle!" Esme screeched, struggling against the Force.
Vader turned to her and held out his hand. Esme was about to scream when, with another metallic screech, her neck snapped in half and her head toppled to the ground. He released his Force hold on her body and it fell beside her severed head.
"We'll...kill you!" Rosalie screeched, her eyes lined with fury. "You and your monster friend!"
Jasper narrowed his eyes at Vader, using his peculiar gift to manipulate the Sith Lord into confusion. Vader's masked face turned to him, an aura of disdain emanating from him.
"Are you trying to get into my head?" Vader taunted.
Jasper blinked. "It's not your mind I'm affecting!" he snapped, glaring. "It's your emotions I'm trying to—"
"And where do you think your emotions come from, you ignorant fool?" Vader asked nastily. He tapped the side of his metal helmet. "From your mind—your limbic system, to be precise." He gave Jasper a rather disdainful look. "The Sith are masters of the mind—you cannot hope to alter mine, physically or otherwise."
Jasper glared and Vader released the Force hold. The vampire fell gracefully to his feet, glaring at Vader before charging towards him in a blur. Vader waved his hand and, once again, Jasper was flung backwards, this time into Rosalie. There was a loud crash as their bodies collided.
"Don't you have any new tricks up your sleeve?" Rosalie taunted as both she and Jasper got back to their feet.
Vader held Jasper in place with the Force as he turned his black eyes to Rosalie. "You do not like this man," he intoned softly, gesturing to Jasper, who struggled against the Force that held him.
"I don't like this man," Rosalie said, her eyes turning to Jasper, who froze staring at Vader with comprehension dawning on his face.
"Don't listen to him, Rose!" Jasper shouted, but Rosalie didn't seem to hear him as Vader's mind slowly clouded hers.
"You want to tear this man limb from limb," Vader slowly.
"I want to tear him limb from limb," Rosalie said.
Vader released his Force hold on Jasper who immediately lunged towards the Sith Lord. Rosalie launched herself towards Jasper, sending the latter flying through the air and landing at Voldemort's feet. As Voldemort raised his wand, Rosalie threw herself on Jasper.
Vader and Voldemort stepped back to watch the two brawl, with Jasper occasionally shouting in vain for Rosalie to snap out of it.
"Hm...a crude version of the Imperius Curse," Voldemort muttered, smirking at Vader. "Would you agree with me if I say I dealt out the most damage today?" As though to underscore his point, the fiery serpent erupted from the end of his wand and reared its head at Rosalie and Jasper.
Though Voldemort could not see it, Vader rolled his eyes. "You were merely playing with your prey," the Sith Lord pointed out as Voldemort's fiery serpent engulfed the remaining Cullens in a blaze.
"I don't 'play with my prey'," Voldemort snapped. "That's what Bellatrix does."
"Speaking of minions, what happened to your Death Eater?"
Lucius glared at the wolves that surrounded him, wand at the ready. People liked to think that Lucius Malfoy did not have an ounce of bravery in him, that he couldn't function well without at least a dozen Death Eaters at his side, but they were quite mistaken. Oh, Lucius Malfoy was brave, but not brave enough to get chucked into Gryffindor.
The wolves around Lucius growled and the one vampire glare at him with her chocolate colored eyes. Legilimency easily told him everything he needed to know about the brutes. Ha! They didn't even realize that he had invaded their heads.
"Who are you, and what do you want with us?" the girl known as Renesmee asked.
Lucius shrugged. "I am merely doing what I think will please my master," he said, as though he had rehearsed the lines.
Renesmee glared. "You're actually serving them? I mean, why? They're obviously horrible people!"
"I serve only Lord Voldemort," Lucius said. Unbeknownst to him, that made Voldemort proud.
"What do you think is more horrible?" Lucius went on softly. "Me, serving my master of my own free will; or you, being forced to love a mangy mutt because he imprinted on you? No freedom in that, is there?"
Jacob let out a loud growl, and Renesmee glared. The wolves and the vampire girl immediately rushed towards Lucius who automatically Disapparated. There was a muffled whine and a crash as the wolves and the vampire girl ran into each other.
Lucius Apparated just behind the group, aimed his wand at the girl, and bellowed, "Imperio!"
Renesmee turned to face him, as though awaiting orders. "Won't you help me kill them?" Lucius cooed. Renesmee immediately spun around and the russet wolf let out a loud growl as Renesmee lunged towards him. Several of the wolves immediately dove towards Renesmee, trying to restrain her. Their momentary distraction was enough for Lucius.
"Avada Kedavra!" he shouted, aiming his wand at one of the wolves, who immediately dropped dead. The other wolves, realizing what was happening, immediately abandoned Jacob and Renesmee and rounded on Lucius, who quickly waved his wand.
A tongue of violet flame erupted from the tip of his wand and whizzed through the air, striking down three wolves. The other two wolves immediately jumped out of the way, growling menacingly at Lucius as they lunged towards him.
The wolves hit the invisible shield and were thrown back. "Diffindo!" Lucius bellowed, pointing his wand at a wolf's throat. Blood gushed from the wound as the wolf buckled and fell to the ground, whining pitifully, its legs twitching.
The last wolf—a menacing black one, Sam, he was called—growled at Lucius, its eyes fiery with rage. It suddenly lunged towards Lucius who jumped to one side to avoid it. The wolf immediately swerved and leapt towards Lucius...
A jet of green emanated from Lucius's wand and struck the wolf squarely in the face. It fell to the ground, blank eyes staring at Lucius. The Death Eater stood up and brushed off his robes, turning to the last pair still alive. The russet wolf—Jacob Black (he dared to call himself a Black?)—was doing everything in his power to avoid being crushed by his vampire sweetheart, Renesmee.
The flash of green did not come from Lucius's wand. It struck the russet wolf, who fell to the ground, dead. Lucius quickly spun around to see Voldemort and Vader striding towards him.
Vader stared at the body of the russet wolf, then looked into the skies. "I sense a great disturbance in the Force," he announced, "as though a hundred fangirls cried out...and were silenced."
Voldemort stared at Vader then turned to Lucius. "Finish her off, Lucius," Voldemort said, for Renesmee had suddenly stopped moving now that her target was dead. Her eyes were still glazed from the Imperius Curse. "No more games, we have to Potter to hunt."
A flash of green sent Renesmee crumbling to the ground, her hummingbird heartbeat stopping. "Finally," Voldemort muttered.
"Congratulate yourselves, gentlemen," Vader said, stowing away his lightsaber. "We've just ridded the galaxy of mediocre fiction."
Voldemort frowned. "Wait...doesn't that mean we have actually done something good?"
Understanding dawned on Vader. "You're right...We have...done...good." A pause. "This is entirely your fault, Voldemort! We are villains! We do not do good!"
"I did not hear you complaining when I suggested this little excursion!"
Lucius Malfoy blinked as the two Dark Lords bickered back and forth. This, he thought, was something worth sharing at Death Eater meetings.
"If you were wise, Voldemort, you would have seen that our killing off the vampmeyers was an act of supreme good!" Vader bellowed, stamping his foot. "We have broken the Council of Villains' most important code! Never do good!"
"You're one to—" Voldemort suddenly stopped then turned to Lucius, who automatically took a step back. "Ah, Lucius," Voldemort said, rounding on his Death Eater. "Was it not you who reported the existence of these...things?"
"Yes, my lord," Lucius said. "Myself, Dolohov and Bellatrix."
"I do not see Dolohov or Bellatrix around," Voldemort said, fingering his wand, a maniacal glint in his scarlet eyes—the same glint they had whenever a Crucio was on the way.
Lucius Malfoy inwardly groaned as his master raised the wand. He shouldn't have stayed behind after all.
I know that Vader's scene is rather short, but—aside from the fact that I'm more knowledgeable about Voldemort than Vader—I find that Vader is rather limited when it comes to 'having fun' with his adversaries. I gave swift deaths to the vampires I find tolerable—like Alice, for instance—and let Voldemort and Vader play around with the vampires I find most deplorable.
I'm still honestly confused with how Lucius Malfoy wound up in there—he sort of just wrote himself in. Initially, I wanted to Sauron to join Vader and Voldemort, too, but—aside from the fact that I know more about Vader and Voldemort than him—the latter ones are my favorite villains, so... xD
Tell me what you guys think in a review! : D