I remember our first kiss so clearly, Jade. You hadn't even met Beck then; it was just us, the best friends that were polar opposites. We were in middle school, the seventh grade and it was outside on the track next to the school. We had gym class together and everyone else had already gone inside. We were laughing and making jokes, leaning on each other for support. It was almost like a spur of the moment thing. When the laughter finally died away we were left just standing there, staring into each other's eyes. It felt right for us to kiss, faint wisps of laughter still vibrant in my cheeks as you leaned in and stepped closer, eyes falling shut. I remember shock quickly giving way to a feeling of blissful serenity; my thoughts suddenly halted and muted by your lips. I remember my hands sliding over your shoulders and behind your neck, one of your own hands resting on my hip and the other in the middle of my back.

We decided to be each other's everything from that day forward, remember? You promised me forever, Jade, but you left me for a girl both you and I barely know. At least that's how I think of it; you probably know a lot more about her now, you hold her hand at lunch, kiss her in front of your locker. I was the one who came up with the idea to decorate it with scissors. I should probably go back and fill in the blank I left; I've always had a tendency to get ahead of myself.

After we kissed we walked back inside holding hands. I was smiling, but when we started to round the corner to where all our classmates were you pulled your hand away. I asked what was wrong, assumed you were just nervous. But you told me you didn't want to ruin your reputation, then kissed me on the forehead and we kept walking. I was so confused when I went home that day. Was it because we were two girls? Was it me? I spent the night just staring at nothing because I couldn't sleep. When we went to school the next day I'd thought you'd forgotten at first. You didn't act any different. But when we stayed behind to help clean the art room you slid around a table and kissed me on my lips again. We spent more time with our hands on each other than the brushes and the paints.

I learned later that this, what we had, it had to be kept a secret. Or at least that's what I learned from you. You only kissed me when no one was watching, brushed my hand when everyone else was distracted. It hurt a lot. I didn't understand why we had to sneak around. Other people kissed and held hands. If this was something good, something special, then why did we have to hide it? You don't hide your relationship with Tori. In fact, Andre told me it was your idea to come out with her in the first place. It's not fair; I know you better than her, I've spent more time with you. Sure, her lips touch yours more than mine probably ever will, but I was your first and that's something that you can keep a secret all you want, but you can't deny.

I remember when you started dating Beck. We were sitting across from each other at lunch, having a normal day. Then he came up, slid in next to you, kissed your cheek. You kept smiling and laughing like this was all natural. Like you hadn't even told me what was going on and now this boy I didn't even know was suddenly all over you right in front of me. And the worst part was I couldn't confront him about it because we were supposed to be a secret, remember? I turned into a third wheel, lagging behind wherever you two walked. I tried so hard to get you alone, away from him, so we could at least talk about what was going on. But he was always with you and you always made excuses.

You made excuses for two years to keep from talking to me. I started to slip into a different place to make all the hurt stop. A place where no one else could go because it was mine, a place where I could be a child and happy forever. I retreated into my own mind, myself. I can make it all stop, though. I can come back just as easily as I go away, look 'normal' again. I only do it because you're around anyway. Well, because you're around with someone else, someone who isn't me.

Beck still doesn't know, I don't think anyone does but me and you. Have you told Tori yet? Because you should. I may not be happy to see her with you, but that doesn't mean I think its okay to keep secrets. I remember when Beck told me you two agreed to break up. He didn't feel the spark anymore and you were obviously interested in someone else. I was surprised, I'll admit. I thought you would make the breakup explosive; you've always liked to be dramatic, add your own little flair to everything that you do. A small part of me was expecting Beck to find someone else and leave you, not because you're undesirable, but because he found someone more like him and pulled him more.

It wasn't two days later that you announced that you were dating Tori, your arm around her waist while she snuggled into your shoulder. And you did the same thing that you did with Beck; you acted like nothing had ever happened between us when I remember it so very clearly. I've retreated further into myself, my world than I ever have before. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but right now it's so far away and out of my reach I won't even try.

Maybe all this, all the memories will show you I'm willing to suffer. Only for you and I have and I still am. It kills me to see you with her, but you're happy right now and that's enough for me to get by on.

I don't know if you'll actually read this or not, but I just wanted to let you know I still remember everything and I'll always be here if you need me.

Love, Cat.

I don't know why I rate everything I write as 'M'. Maybe it's just cause I don't like 'K's' or that since I tend to look in the M section first I just rate mine as M