Season 0 Pilot
A/N: Eeyup, another parody fic from me, this time, I am rewriting Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series, only it's now ponified. I have spent about 3 days deciding on the characters, I won't spoil any now, but I will state some in advance, just not yet. Credit goes to LittleKuriboh for making Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged and providing most of my jokes, but I credit myself for the changes to make this more ponified. So, let's get to the show, shall we? First is the Season 0 episode.
(Prologue skipped due to laziness)
Our story begins at Ponyville High, a school attended by the studious unicorn Twilight Sparkle, although this doesn't make much sense, as all the mane characters are meant to be in their 20s, so why they're attending high school is beyond me, apart from the fact it's to stay consistent with Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged, as the characters in it are teenagers, and wait, isn't Twilight meant to be in Ponyville to study friendship as Princess Celestia's private student, but then again, Celestia isn't the ruler in this story. But come to think of it, they never do schoolwork in Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged, so we'll just go with that the ponies go to school, but do no work.
Suddenly, Twilight Sparkle broke the fourth wall by asking, "Couldn't you have just changed it around a little?"
Well, I want this to stay as similar to Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged as possible, so...
The students were heading outside to play some sort of pony sport that I'm too lazy to make up, as it wouldn't work to have ponies playing Basketball.
In the classroom, Twilight Sparkle was building a house of cards, "I'm about to beat my record" she told herself, as she moved another card with her horn, "Just got to be real careful..." she warned herself, "And try not to..."
But she was cut off by a generic student calling her, "Hey, Twilight! Don't be such a nerd, come play sports and be a generic douchebag like everypony else in this school!"
Twilight had unfortunately knocked over her house of cards, but decided to deal with the student by reminding him, "Last time we played sports, you stuffed me in the equipment and left me stuck until Granny Smith came to pick me up."
Generic Student then said, "Yeah, good times, so let's play!"
Twilight then asked the student, "Would you still like that ball if I stuffed down your throat?"
Generic Student then angrily told her, "You know what, forget it!" and stomped out of the room.
Twilight then told herself, "They can keep their sports and their popularity and their active sex lives!" And she then pulled a box out of her bag with her horn telling herself, "I'd much rather have this puzzle Granny gave to me. She said if I made a wish on this, it would come true, and though it's Out Of Character for me to believe this is true, I still know exactly what I'm wishing for, Rainbow Dash's sunglas... Hey, what the..?"
Twilight found Pinkie Pie holding the box with her hooves which doesn't really make sense as she has no fingers or thumbs to hold the box with. Pinkie then asked, "Twi, why would anypony be interested in this ancient artefact that holds untold magical powers? It's so stupid, like you!" before laughing.
Twilight was quite shocked at how Pinkie was acting, and shouted, "!"
"Hold everything!" A voice stated.
The camera panned to show it was Derpy's voice, and the audience clapped because of Derpy.
"Hey Derpy, what's crack-a-lacking?" Pinkie then asked.
"I'll tell you what's crack-a-lacking, Derpy Hooves, that's what! As I play a very important role in this series!" Derpy explained.
Derpy continued to talk on about her role, as Pinkie went back to Twi, "As I was saying, your dumb box is full of dumb"
Twilight was now annoyed, shown by her response, "You are full of dumb!"
Right at this moment, Rainbow appeared out of nowhere, holding the box, "You girls should be ashamed!" she shouted, "Twi is very sensitive, and screwing with her emotions could seriously damage her later in life!"
"Phew, thanks for standing up for me, Rainbow" Twilight thanked her friend.
Rainbow responded, "That's okay, Twilight. You know I think you're really cute."
The unicorn was excited at the remark, "Hey, do you wanna go out sometime?"
"I meant as a friend, Twi!" Rainbow stated.
"But I still love you."
"As a friend, Twilight!"
"Let's have sex later, okay?"
"AS FRIENDS, TWILIGHT! GEEZ, SUCH A PERVERT!"
At this point, Twilight decided, "Let's look at my shiny box now." as she showed Rainbow some of the puzzle pieces.
"Okay" Rainbow began, then she continued on by asking what the item inside the box was.
"It's an ancient artefact from somewhere between the setting of the Hearth's Warming Eve play and the time Discord took control of Equestria." Twilight answered, showing my laziness to think up a pony equivalent to Ancient Egypt. "And apparently the team who discovered it died mysteriously a few days later. So Granny Smith and Applejack gave it to me as a birthday present."
Rainbow then lampshaded how strange this reasoning was with the words, "Well that seems kinda twisted."
"I know, right?" Twilight agreed. "The inscription says that whoever completes the puzzle can make a wish and it will come true."
As anypony who just heard this line would do, Rainbow asked, "So Twilight, what's your wish going to be?"
"Oh that's easy," began Twilight, and stated, "Rainbow's su..." before stopping when she realized that she shouldn't talk about that, and quickly thought before deciding to say she was wishing for, "Derpy's sunglasses."
Rainbow just stared blankly at Twilight, as Derpy doesn't have sunglasses, and then decided to tell her, "You have problems, Twi!"
Twilight giggled nervously.
Meanwhile, Pinkie was with Derpy by the window, with a puzzle piece on her hoof, laughing as she stated, "Guess Twilight won't be needing this!"
Derpy responded, "Pinkie Pie, did you take that from Twilight's puzzle box?"
"I sure did. This is my way of teaching her to be a real mare!"
"Is that why we steal her lunch money too?"
"Nah, that's just for (BLEEP)s and giggles."
A voice sounded from the puzzle piece but nopony heard it as it said, "Giggle while you can, foal! For soon I shall be fre..." but it quickly cut itself off as the piece was thrown out the window and into the river, "Ah, no! Somepony help me, I can't swim! Mommy!"
Later that day, some ponies were dancing to music, taking all their advice from a griffon.
Twilight was watching this, thinking to herself, 'Ever since the school hired the Elite Beat Agents, things have gotten a lot funkier around here. I'd better get before I start dancing too."
But before she left, a voice began talking to her, "Hey, here. I've heard you've been bullied, is this true."
Twilight turned to see the voice belonged to the griffon, but could only think about the griffon's extremely long tail, 'Woah! That tail is huge, I can't stop staring at it. It's like if Photo Finish and Spitfire of the Wonderbolts had a baby. Now I'm picturing Spitfire and Photo Finish having sex... Why do I keep doing that?'
The griffon than asked, "Is something wrong?"
Twilight was then silly enough to state what was on her mind, "I AM EXTREMLY AROUSED!"
The griffon stared blankly before stating, "You have problems, mare!"
We then cut to Twilight arriving at the library, where she met Rainbow, who was wearing her sunglasses, the unicorn then asked why Rainbow was there.
Rainbow stated her reason was, "Oh, come on Twi, you know I love hanging out at your friend's creepy grandma's game shop."
"There's nothing creepy about Granny Smi..." began the purple unicorn.
But she was interrupted by Granny Smith abruptly stating, "I AM THE ALICORN OF DEATH!"
Twilight then seen what Rainbow meant, "O... k... kinda see where you're coming from now."
Applejack then decided to talk with Rainbow(Yes, both Applejack and Granny Smith take on Grandpa's role), "Howdy Rainbow, I see your sunglasses have had another good polishing, they're definitely 20% cooler now."
Rainbow was rather dumbfounded at the idea of somepony being overly obsessed with sunglasses, and requested, "Please don't talk about those."
"What, your sunglasses?" asked Applejack.
"So, you don't want me to talk about your shades?"
"Okay, so just to be clear, I am definitely not going to bring up your sunnies, your glints are off the table, solar shields are a no go area..." Applejack went on before going into every sunglasses slang term in the thesaurus.
"Is she dumb?" Rainbow whispered into Twilight's ear.
"This is the first I've seen of this. I've heard of Element Of Honesty but she's taking it beyond the impossible now." the unicorn whispered back.
The next day...
Twilight was monologuing to herself, "Ah, good morning Equestria, I have a feeling today is going to be super special awesome..." but she was cut off at seeing the image of the Elite Beat Agents over the beaten bodies of Pinkie Pie and Derpy.
"Ta-da!" The leading griffon exclaimed.
Twilight then broke the chain of the story by asking, "Well, we have everything in place anyway so how's about skipping to the part where an evil spirit uses my body to kill you in cold blood?"
The griffon then agreed with the motion, "Why not? I'm not getting paid enough for performing in this anyway."
The unicorn then used her magic to pull the final puzzle piece towards them and placed it onto the puzzle which had been partially completed for when finishing the puzzle would normally appear. The finished puzzle resembled a stopwatch, and we see an image of Twilight falling into her shadow which had an eye under the horn.
Next, the griffon was hanging from a rope.
At the top of the structure was a pony resembling Twilight Sparkle, but her mane had been messed up, and her eyes seemed to be quite wide compared to normal, the mysterious character exclaimed, "Garbage Day!"
"Twilight, what in Equestria are you doing?" the griffon quickly asked.
The familiar-yet-at-the-same-time-definitely-not-known unicorn asked, "Gilda, baby, how's it hanging?" never explaining how she knew Gilda's name, but explained her rather bad joke, "Get it, 'cause you're gonna die! Hahaha! Aaahhhh, guess you had to be there."
Gilda then requested the money that would have been brought up if we didn't skip ahead.
"Tell you what," began the mysterious pony as she jumped down, spreading an entire deck of normal playing cards. "Let's play a game!"
Gilda then asked the obvious question, "What sort of game?"
The psychotic unicorn then responded, "First One To Die Loses!" before drawing a card, "Look, the Queen Of Spades."
"...What does that mea...?" began Gilda.
"YOU LOSE!" her enemy interrupted. The mysterious opponent continued by saying, "Hope you like giant, griffon-eating worms" as Gilda fell to her doom.
Gilda quickly seen what this meant as she got eaten by said worms.
The next morning, Pinkie Pie and Twilight were talking, Pinkie asked, "Last night was pretty crazy, huh Twi?"
"I'm afraid I don't remember any of it." Twilight stated, "Especially the part where an evil spirit used my body to kill a griffon in cold blood."
"You have problems, Twi!"