Harry Potter and the Wrath of Jashin
Summary: Well it's my birthday and the last full arc of the story…so let's once more listen to our Jashinists' answers to your reviews! Enjoy~!
Hidan (And Co.) Answer(s) Your Reviews! Again!
"Prepare to be spicy tuna rolled!"
-Square Enix (The World Ends With You, NDS)
Harry had a severe case of deja-vu. A ridiculously severe case. One moment, he had been leaving the base, wanting to go get some fresh air without Hidan breathing down his neck (he loved the albino but honestly, he needed space sometimes!), and the next he was dumped in the Gryffindor Common Room.
He blinked. Hidan appeared on the couch next to him, yelping as he was jerked out of the sound sleep Harry had left him in.
He blinked again. Kakuzu and Deidara appeared on two chairs on one side of him, Kakuzu gripping a cup of coffee and cursing when it spilled all over him due to his shock and Deidara sleepily mumbling about explosions as he cuddled…dear god, that was a teddy bear, wasn't it?
Slightly dreading it, Harry dared to blink again and this time when his eyes opened Nagato and Kisame had appeared on the opposite couch, Nagato with a pen held in the air as though he had just been signing something (highly likely) and Kisame mid-yawn.
There was a long pause as everyone took in what the fuck had just happened. For three of the first four to arrive, memories flooded back with explainations and groans overtook them.
"This again?" Harry moaned as Kakuzu reached over to shake Deidara awake. The blond jolted into a sitting position, holding the…erm…teddy…bear…like it was a shield and groping for what was presumably a weapon before he seemed to realize what was going on. Then he just blinked rapidly in a sleepy daze.
"Where are we, brat?" Sasori's voice snapped as he and Itachi's spirit drifted over from the corner. Itachi was blank as he settled next to Deidara's one side, Sasori hovering before Harry with a deadly glare in place.
"Don't call Jashin-sama a brat, ya dickless Barbie!" snapped Hidan as he lunged to his feet and attempted to slam a fist into Sasori's cheek. Harry winced when his most faithful fell straight through the spriit as though he wasn't there in the first place.
"We're here again, un?" asked Deidara, annoyed. His gaze slipped around the room before stopping on Kisame, jaw dropping in disbelief. "Wait, what the—Kisame?! You're alive! ? ! !"
"Better believe it, Dei-chan," Kisame said with a sharky grin, snickering when Deidara sputtered in protest at the name. "Just arrived last night."
"We can discuss that later," Harry sighed, reaching up and rubbing his temples. "If this is anything like last time, we'll be here a while, answering questions and making comments on horribly offensive…er, what were they called?"
"Reviews," Kakuzu muttered irritably. Harry nodded in thanks just as a piece of parchment appeared in front of his face.
"I…must be starting this time."
"Wait, so we're stuck here like rats 'til we're done?" Kisame asked, eyes narrowing slightly. Harry nodded and he grumbled, but apparently didn't care enough to object, although next to him Nagato grumbled about paperwork-monsters he'd never conquer and Sasori hovered to sulk in the corner.
"Anyway," coughed Harry before reading the first 'review' out loud:
Fun story! I think this is my favorite Harry-Jashin fIc, and I love the resurrection bit. I was wondering though, since he doesn't need a body, could he bring back Sirius? Though I'm not sure Sirius would much like Jashin-Harry or his new followers... Oh well...
"Bring back…serious?" Nagato blankly asked, twiddling his pen between his fingers. Harry looked pained at the familiar pun.
"My godfather, whom died almost five years ago," he quietly announced. He pretended not to notice the sympathetic stares from the others in the room, speaking in a slightly louder voice. "I could revive Sirius if I were still in my dimension, but not in this one. This is a completely different plane of existence than home. It's impossible to bring souls from the other side over here…let alone revive them.
"Besides," continued the Jashin with a bitter smile, "he's with his family there. All the Marauders, reunited in the afterlife for the first time in fifteen years. I think it's better to just leave him alone."
The parchment disappeared, a somber mood in the room before another one appeared before Kakuzu. The miser grumbled and scowled but eventually read, in a bitter tone befitting his dislike of the situation:
One thing i hate about most stories. Anyone in the rookie 9, most of there teachers, anyone with the last name Uchiha never die. The author could make the main character the most blood thirsty mother fucker in the entire world and yet when put in a position where they SHOULD die the main character lets them live. I never fucking get it.. just don't put them in the position where they should die if you don't want them to die. If you do put them in the position then fucking kill them.
"You're fuckin' telling me!" Hidan said with a sneer. "Damn deer…got him down and he just getting' back up! It was annoying as balls, seriously!"
"I fought with that bitch Uchiha who somehow managed to pull enough chakra out his ass to summon the boss of the snakes even though we were both out seconds before, un," Deidara bitterly added. "Damn Uchiha…"
"I injected the pink-haired medic and Baa-sama multiple times with my strongest poison and they still managed to survive," growled Sasori, clenching an ethereal fist. "It was some consolation that Baa-sama eventually joined me, but the old hag should've been dead long before then…"
"I chose to revive everyone," was Nagato's bland input, "so it was hardly this 'author's' fault."
"Still can't believe you did that, ruining all your hard work," Kisame muttered with a frown of annoyance. "You should be proud of all that destruction and blood, Nagato-sama!"
"Statements such as that prove why I was the diplomat of the team," Itachi sighed. Harry just stared at all of them in disbelief, barely noticing the next parchment appear before Hidan, who eventually read:
This was a great chapter, and I got a thrill out of seeing you used one of my reviews! I don't usually like seeing the fourth wall demolished but it was strangely appropriate here. I mean, otherwise all of the action would take place in the hidden countries! And did Deidara's remark mean he has been harrassed by fangirls too? I cannot see why that would be *shifty eyes*. The talented Uchiha heir must have had his own harrowing experiences trying to beat back the hordes.
Both Itachi and Deidara migrated to the corner across from Sasori's. It mysteriously darkened and the two mumbled about fangirls, horrifying encounters, and—Harry's eyebrows shot up in amused disbelief—many, many betrothals from pastel-haired stalker-banshees.
"Wish I had fangirls," Kisame wistfully said, also moping a bit but for entirely different reasons. "Just because I look like a fish it doesn't mean I'm any less of a man…"
"There, there," muttered Nagato with a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "It's alright. Surely one day your princess will come find you."
"When did we enter a Disney fairytale?" Harry wondered to Kakuzu, who was the only sane one at the moment (Sasori was indifferent to a frightening degree and Hidan was jeering at the two fangirl-cursed men and the one un-fangirl-cursed man alternatively).
"Children, the lot of them," Kakuzu simply said. Although he was aware of the horrors of fangirls Harry had to privately agree…they weren't that bad…then again…his weren't trained to stalk people effectively…
The very thought made Harry pale and shudder.
Soon the two in the corner recovered and Deidara had his turn:
Love the story but i need to point out one major glaring error. Killer Bee is from Kumo, NOT Iwa like Deidara is, and is the Raikage's adopted little brother. I suppose Deidara and Bee could have met at some point so that Deidara knows about the whole rap thing from then, but they were never apart of the same village.
"That's easy to answer, un," Deidara said with a faint smirk. "Kumo and Iwa have an alliance. As a sign of good-will we exchanged Jincuuriki for a year, back when I was still a Special Jounin. Bee spent a good chunk of time just following random people, asking for input on his raps, yeah? It was torture but he disappeared just before any of us could kill him and make it 'accidental,' un."
"Don't blame you, kid," Kisame grimaced. "I could barely stand it for the week I was there…ugh! That should be a new torture technique!"
Deidara smirked faintly. "It is."
There was a shudder from the fish-man but Itachi began reading his piece before any more nightmares could be produced from the banter (?):
I love it! And I must say that I'm glad some of the Akatsuki are refusing to come back, to me it makes your story more realistic as some people wouldn't want to come back. And another thing, it seems to have been awhile since Harry's/Jashin's minions have killed someone, shouldn't they have killed some people to get his energy up to fix Pein/Nagato's body? Or did they not think about it?
Harry grimaced at the reminder of how their links were replenished.
"For reviving Nagato's body, it was simply a case of drawing in ambient magic and my physical energy to rebuild his body; the link was in no way involved," he explained awkwardly. "As for the killing…well…"
"Hidan and I have been taking care of bounties regularly," Kakuzu blandly stated as if it weren't about him killing someone for selfish reasons. "Oftentimes villages prefer them dead over alive so they can be assured no secrets can be removed, assuming it is a low- to mid-ranked bounty. The higher-level bounties often bring in more alive than dead, but only if it is a rogue being returned to their home country or with a notably weak will."
"Trash, you mean," spat Kisame. His views on loyalty were well-known so no one said anything.
Interestingly, it was here the previous pattern was broken to include the new additions to the room. Nagato suspiciously eyed the parchment in front of him before slowly taking hold of it and reading:
[…]Yeah, Harry's seen much weirder and scarier than Zetsu. Baby homunculus Voldemort and acromantula come to mind. And Blast-ended Screwts. And Voldemort-face growing out of the back of someone's skull. And Lockhart on Valentine's Day accompanied by singing "cherubs" delivering "poetry" from Ginny. Yeah, he's seen MUCH scarier than a man-eating plant man. Can't wait to see Jashin save Tobi. I really, really want Tobi to be saved and for Tobi to see Madara stomped FLAT. Then I hope that Sasuke doesn't get killed, but it would be VERY nice to see Jashin spank his ass in front of everyone. That's not a euphemism for beating him in battle. I mean draw down his drawers and spank his hiney red. In front of everyone.
Deidara and Hidan both burst out laughing at the idea of Sasuke being spanked in public. Kisame, Nagato, and Sasori were smirking slightly…Itachi looked annoyed but resigned and said nothing. Harry simply smiled and thought, yes, he had seen much scarier than Zetsu and fantasized for a few moments about the different ways he could make Madara's life hell if he got the chance.
(It was far more likely Madara would be taken care of as swiftly as possible, but a man can dream.)
Kisame next received a paper and he read with great enthusiasm:
I'm so happy you're back! Great chapter; loved the surprise!shark and omg Deidara nooooo. I'm a little confused on one point, though - did Kisame replace Sameheda or was he inside her? As in, is the sword still there after Kisame appeared? It's a little late, so maybe it's just my reading comprehension failing, but I thought I'd let you know that at least one reader was confused.
"I was in Samehada," said he with a smirking smile. "She and I have a close bond, to the point where we have almost the exact same chakra signature and she can augment my abilities greatly. We can also mold into each other's bodies if we need to hide…or for easy carrying for her. In this case I was gathering information, so I hid inside of her."
"What happened to Deidara?" Harry couldn't help but ask. The blond, still clutching his teddy bear but not seeming to notice, blinked with large blue eyes at the group…it was all Harry could do not to coo and suddenly he wondered if spending so much time with Luna, Hermione, and Ginny before he left was really such a good idea.
Sasori started when a paper appeared before him and sneered. "I would have assumed I was done with torture after death," he irritably said before reluctantly reading:
hmmmm... just thinking of how harry and hidan would react to one of my reviews... mwhahah, makes me want to mention what i think sasori and diedara could have doing together with just a tube of choc cream, a rubber band and a fluffy blanket... *passes out from nosebleed*
lisa. demonic. angel
Sasori had dropped the paper by the time he got to "fluffy" and Deidara looked so ill Harry conjured a bucket, just in case. The rest of the room was full of smirks and uproarious laughter.
"Got you two fags pegged!" howled Hidan with laughter, literally falling off the couch and banging the floor with his fists. Deidara bared his teeth in a snarl even as Sasori continued to appear too stunned to react.
"Like you're one to talk, un!" snapped the explosive expert. "I heard about you kissin' Jashin-sama!"
Instantly Hidan's face contorted into rage and he glared at Kakuzu. "WHAT THE FUCK, KAKUZU, WE TOLD YOU IT WASN'T WHAT IT FUCKIN' LOOKED LIKE!"
"And what did it look like?" was Kakuzu's smooth, bland response. Hidan exploded with more expletives and threats.
Harry simply blushed heavily and wished the sofa would swallow him whole.
Suddenly Itachi's voice rang out, tinged with dark amusement:
I still think Sasori's a (BLEEP). The following threat has been censored because FFnet would probably take it down if it wasn't.
If I could get to Sasori, I would take a staple gun and nail (censored) and us some super glue to (censored) all over the wall, then drag he entrails out through (censored) until (censored, and just consider this a REALLY long one). Following that, a rusty spoon would be used to (censored) while sulfuric acid would be mixed up with his (censored) and melt his (censored, though less for violence and more for other reasons this time) and poured down various other orifices. I could go on for a while, but this should be enough to... unsettle, I suppose. Just know that, eventually, it would be worse than what he did to turn himself into a puppet, self-castration included.
May the scorch of a legion of fangirls' glares burn him forever.
Everyone in the room was flinching by this point. It was silent enough Harry was sure they could hear a butterfly if it was within a mile of the room.
Of course, no one could comment on it because by this point they were all back where they were previously, Deidara wondering why he had a sudden taste for chocolate and vengeance on Sasori as he hugged his teddy bear close and drifted back to sleep.
MKL's Post-Production Note (11-10-12): Well I don't think it's up to par with my last one, but I had fun, and I hope you all did too! Since today's my birthday I decided to spoil you all by giving you another one of these chapters since the last one went over so well. Ah, well I'm tired and going to bed. Check out the new poll on my profile to let me know what story you'd like to see after WoJ is finished! I'll give priority to the one(s) with the most votes! =^w^=