Welcome to my contribution to the Fandom4Texas fundraiser, I hope you enjoy it as I had a lot of fun writing it. Big big thanks to An Illicit Writer for her banner – it rocks and a BIG thank you to my partner in crime, my one woman cheer squad and beta for this one – The Lady Wordsmith.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~Ladies Night~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No one with ovaries could resist the power of Carlisle Cullen's pout. Females all over the Pacific Northwest were particularly susceptible. Hearts would pound, bosoms heave, ovaries twitch and breathy sighs would be gustily exhaled.
Being a modest man Carlisle would never abuse his power over womankind, unless it was for the greater good. When Carlisle did release his power he was ruthless in the use of his pouty, pleading face. We were done for, we fought valiantly and resisted for as long as we could, but when he batted his eyelashes and deepened that pout, our resolve would topple like a house of cards. We fought as long as we could, we begged, we pleaded but it was all futile; this beautiful man owned us and our fate was sealed.
So this was how we, Carlisle's wife, daughter, daughters-in-law and assorted friends, came to be sat at the head table of Seattle General Hospital's inaugural "Ladies Night", a worthy cause to raise money for the hospital's Women's Oncology Unit. This was a cause dear to my heart as my mother Renee had battled breast cancer years previously; but the term, "Ladies Night" held bad memories for me. Alice and Rosalie had dragged me to a ladies-only club for my bachelorette party before I had married Edward, and it was painful - the party, not the wedding, that was wonderful. Surrounded by half-muscle, half-flab, permatanned males in banana hammocks was not my cup of tea. Rose, Esme, Alice, Emily, Leah, Jessica, Angela and my Dad's girlfriend Sue, hooted and hollered, groped and grabbed. I sat there dying of abject mortification. I vowed never again, never EVER again, until Carlisle and his lethal pouty face and his puppy dog eyes. He promised that it would be respectable; it was after all a hospital fund raiser – it would not be, nay, could not be that debauched, it would be respectable good clean fun.
The lights dimmed and Carmen Denali, Carlisle's friend, took to the stage. Gently clearing her throat to grab our attention, she smiled warmly. "Good evening Ladies and welcome to Seattle General's Ladies Night. Thank you all for joining us this evening, and we can promise you a night of fun, laughter and hot men!"
Screams and shouting erupted all around us, and Carmen laughed, "settle down ladies, don't make me get the hose!" She cocked her eyebrow and a ripple of giggles carried around the room.
"Okay," she continued, "a few points of order before the wolves descend: please do not grab or manhandle the performers - you will be asked to leave. You may be invited to participate in the show - that is okay, but please, no scratching, biting or hair pulling and do not under any circumstances remove any of your clothing!
"We also have here this evening, Chief Charlie Swan from Forks, who has graciously agreed to provide security for us this. Come on up here Chief, so the ladies can see you." Carmen motioned for Charlie to join her. He gingerly approached the stage, his ears glowing with embarrassment; I had never seen him look so terrified.
"Good evening ladies" he nodded and timidly waved. I thought he was going to either throw up or pass out when the audience started whistling and cheering for him. He raised his hands in supplication, "thank you for your appreciative welcome, please don't cause any trouble for me tonight" His plea was genuine: Charlie really didn't like to mace ladies if he could help it.
"Gettem off Charlie!" Sue bellowed. Everyone dissolved into gales of laughter.
"Don't make me get my handcuffs Sue," he sternly admonished.
"Promises, promises Charlie..." she retorted.
The large hole in the ground I had been praying for failed to materialise, so I did the next best thing and pulled my hair over my face. Charlie bolted from the stage and stationed himself by the doors at the back.
Carmen turned back to address us. "As well as having a bona fide uniformed officer of the law, we also have for you tonight ... the gorgeous boys from the La Push reservation that he has brought with him." Sam, Jacob, Quill, Paul, Embry, Seth and Jared trotted out on to the stage in their cut off jeans, each wearing a collar and black dickie bow around his mammoth neck.
"The boys have graciously agreed to be your waiters this evening. They will take your orders, for drinks ladies, nothing else," Carmen winked. "Please tip generously and keep your hands to yourselves. We do not want to traumatise these lovely young men, so can we show that we are honourable women and all raise our right hands and repeat after me ..." Carmen waited while we did as she asked.
"I do solemnly swear, that I will not touch the gentlemen here this evening unless implicitly invited to do so by them. I also swear that I will not verbally harass them as they are raising money for a very good cause."
Carmen beamed as she looked around the room. "Thank you so much ladies. Now without further ado, let's get on with the show ..." As we applauded Carmen, two scantily clad males took to the stage, performing a hair-raising fire eating act.
Alice nudged me, "Bells, is that Tyler and Eric up there?" I squinted at their faces.
"Holy fuck, Ali, it is! What the hell are they doing here?"
Looking at the stage in shock, I was startled as Jake appeared to the side of me. "Good evening ladies, I will be your waiter this evening. What can I get you all to drink?" His tongue poked out in concentration as we fired our orders at him. Esme winked at him and straightened his bow tie, Jake blushed profusely.
"Esme Cullen, you were told no manhandling the boys," Charlie huffed from behind her. "Oh shush Chief Swan, I'm just straightening up his dickie, nothing wrong with that is there officer?" Esme retorted, looking defiant. "Jacob, was I manhandling you? Did I touch you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable?" Jake looked at his feet and shook his head "no ma'am, not at all."
Esme grinned at Charlie who shuffled off nervously with Jake hot on his heels. Erupting with laughter Sue slapped her thigh. "You are a wicked, wicked woman Esme Cullen. I don't know who looked more terrified, Charlie or Jacob."
I was surveying the area for a viable escape route when Jake returned with the drinks. Esme patted his cheek and grinned at him. Suppressing the urge to groan at my mother-in-law's flirtatious ways, I distracted myself by grabbing my drink and downing it in one. The alcohol burned my throat and made my eyes water; I wasn't a natural born drinker, but I had a feeling I would be tonight. "Another round please Jake, same again everyone?" My companions cheered and Jake looked visibly relieved as he ran back to the bar.
"I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love, loves going to leave me ..."
A very muscular guy bounded onto the stage, wearing a white blouse-esque shirt, tight leather pants and a mask like the wrestlers wear. His momma must have been so proud of him.
"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts, and I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan ..."
The masked lothario ripped his blouse clean off and swung it around and around his head, as the screams and cackles got louder and louder. Alice and Rose were now on their feet whistling and cheering, I needed more alcohol and quick. I waved to Jake to hurry him along, and he scurried over with our tray. Before anyone could grab him I sent him back with another drink order.
"Bells, are you okay? Edward is not going to be happy if you get falling-down drunk." He looked genuinely concerned.
I squeezed his arm, "I've got your back Jakey, I'll keep you busy getting drinks and then the cougars can't get you..."
Jake laughed, "Bella, I think I can handle Esme and Sue, please don't drink too quickly, okay?"
I nodded sadly, "sorry Jake – I know this is for a good cause but it's just not my thing, I feel like I am disrespecting Edward."
"Oh silly Bella, do you think Carlisle would have invited you if he thought it would cause problems for you at home? I bet Carlisle, Emmett, Jasper and Edward are all at home waiting for their horny ass wives to come home and give them some loving!"
I laughed, "I had forgotten about that, maybe ladies night won't be so bad after all." Jake grinned and headed off to the bar. The stripper on stage was now down to his thong, I couldn't believe my eyes, it was an elephant thong complete with ears and a trunk – the trunk was ... um ... rather well filled. Dumbo the stripper elephant was shaking his booty for all it was worth, thrusting and grinding; he made sure we all got our money's worth. Running his thumbs along the waist band of his thong he teased his audience; pulling the elastic in and out, up and down revealing glimpses of man fur and more skin. Esme and Sue jumped to their feet and started a rousing chant of "Off, Off, Off, Off ..." Stripperman threw his head back and laughed. Swinging his hips, he spun round away from us and whipped his thong off. He stood twirling it around his finger, turning to face us again with a strategically placed large (very large) hand; he launched his thong into the audience. Rosalie shrieked as it ended up in her drink. Alice roared with laughter as Rose fished the offending article from her cosmopolitan. Esme and Sue looked at each other and both opened their mouths to speak, but the look Rose shot them stopped them in their tracks. Stripperman blew her a kiss and bounded off the stage, wiggling his tush as he went.
Carmen took to the stage again to tell us that there would be an hour break in the entertainment, but there was a buffet and dancing should we wish to partake. I pushed my food round my plate as I watched Alice and Rose throwing some shapes on the dance floor. Esme and Sue sat cackling next to me; they were swapping stories about Carlisle and my dad and I really, really did not want to know. I excused myself from the table and scurried out of the room so I could ring Edward.
"Hey Baby, how is the Ladies Night?"
"It's TMI central – between Esme and Sue, I doubt I will be able to look Dad or Carlisle in the eye ever again." Edward chuckled.
"Not long now sweet cheeks, just watch a few more jiggling tushies and you can come home to me, unless you find someone bigger!"
"Edward Cullen, are you waggling your eyebrows?"
"Moi? I would never do anything like that; Emmett yes, me - not so much! Are you rolling your eyes at me Mrs Cullen?"
I giggled - how well he knew me. "Of course not darling, I'll see you when I get home."
"Not if I see you first ... bye." And with that he hung up on me. I returned to the table trying to puzzle out what he meant, was he coming to pick me up afterwards? Were we meeting the boys once this had finished? I tried to call him back but every time I got his voice mail.
"Penny for them?" Jake stood next to me with a tray of drinks.
"Sorry Jake, miles away – just had a confusing conversation with Edward, but nothing new there, I swear he has some weird mind control power, dazzles me so I forget stuff."
Jake laughed, "yep, I have heard about the 'Cullen Charm'. How do you think we came to be serving drinks to horny women? Carlisle is very persuasive." Nodding in agreement I wandered back to my table. Esme and Sue were now on the dance floor shimmying as if their lives depended on it.
The music slowly faded out as Carmen took to the stage once more. "Ladies I would like to make a few announcements. First of all you will be pleased to know this is the last you will hear from me tonight..." Titters ran around the room. "The fabulous news is that through your generosity this evening we have raised fifty thousand dollars!" Applause broke out in the room, and Carmen beamed in delight. "I cannot thank you all enough for your kindness, but as the old saying goes, all good things must come to an end, so the bad news is that we only have one more act to go. I think you will agree that we have indeed seen some mighty fine gentlemen this evening. But we've saved the very best till last. Ladies it is my absolute delight to introduce, Dr and the 911 Crew.
Everyone took their seats as Ke$ha's "Take it off" blasted through the speakers. A masked policeman, a fire-fighter, a paramedic and a surgeon appeared on the stage. Screaming reached fever pitch. The uniformed hunks glided around the stage, peeling off clothes with the greatest of ease. Standing bare-chested they dived from the stage and grabbed four chairs. They jumped off the stage again and into the crowd. Sue whistled loudly and waved them over. Watching as they changed course, my heart sank into my stomach as I saw them heading towards us. The surgeon grabbed Esme; Rose was accosted by the policeman, Alice was given a thorough check up by the paramedic and the fireman swooped in to pluck me from my chair. I begged him to leave me alone but he just shook his head and motioned with his finger for me to shush. We were unceremoniously plonked into the chairs on the stage. All the Cullen ladies, bar one, where hooting and hollering; I hung my head in shame. I looked around for a means of escape and saw my Dad and Jake absolutely roaring with laughter; they were so high on my shit list right now. My musings were interrupted by the fireman swinging his leg over mine. I was now face to face with an almighty bulge. Glancing out of the corner of my eye the others were suffering a similar fate. The bulges started thrusting near our faces, and I raised my hands to cover my eyes when fireman grabbed my hands and placed them on his ass. The crowd went wild, I could hear the La Push boys chanting "Go Bella, Go Bella," but the only place I wanted to go was home.
The club was plunged into darkness; "hurrah" I wanted to cheer, "what a shame we will have to go home," But my inner happy dance was soon halted when I realised that I had in fact been blindfolded. Fireman jumped into my lap and grabbed my hands again, he ran my hands over his pecs and abs and then thrust my hands into his pants. I tried to remove them as soon I touched peen, but he grabbed my wrists and kept them there. I could hear Esme, Alice and Rose squealing in pleasure, the surgeon, policeman and paramedic must have subjected them to the peen grope as well. I was going to kill Carlisle Cullen when I got my hands on him, he had promised good clean non-debauched fun. My hands were removed from inside the pants and placed on the waistband, and the audience started counting down, "five...four...three...two...one...PULL!" He held my hands as we ripped his trousers off. My hands were placed on more bare flesh. I cringed as my hands rubbed the expanses of sweaty male stripper.
Suddenly he was gone, the crowd ooohed and ahhhed, and my heart started thundering in my chest in anticipation of what would happen next. The music segued from Ke$ha in to Maroon 5's "Moves like Jagger" I couldn't help but tap my foot as this was my song of the moment, and thoughts of the very sexy, tattooed, snake-hipped Adam Levine were crudely interrupted by a whooshing sound: the body was back in front of me. Fireman grabbed my head and pulled me forward straight into a sea of whipped cream, pecs and nipples. As he grinded into me, I could hear Alice protesting about getting cream stains on her silk dress and Rose was grumbling about the cream in her hair. Esme, who was situated next to me, asked Surgeon if he had any chocolate sauce to go with the whipped cream, as that is what her husband liked.
I really did not want to think of my father-in-law that way; he was the epitome of gorgeousness and his ethereal beauty had been passed down to his children. Yes, Rose and I had a crush on Carlisle and even Jasper had a bromance with him. There was no denying it, Esme Cullen was one lucky son-of-a-bitch, but the thought of Esme licking cream and chocolate sauce off Carlisle did elicit a small shudder of over share.
The audience cheered and screamed as our hands were once again placed on the skivvies of the strippers, and they counted down once more, reaching fever pitch when we 'helped' the strippers to remove their undies. Our blindfolds were whipped off, and blinking to adjust to the light we were temporarily blinded by the sparkly buttocks dancing about in front of us. Glancing up I saw that the strippers were now down to thongs and their masks.
The surgeon spoke,"shall we take it all off?" The crowd screamed. "You have all been very good girls tonight and have raised lots of money, shall we reward you?" The noise was deafening. They spun round to face us again and swayed from side to side as they shimmied out of their thongs. Holy crow they were huge! It was like a meeting of the giant dong club. Holy amperlange the surgeon had a pierced peen, Lord above, that was hot; I briefly contemplated asking Edward to get his dick pierced. Averting my eyes, a flash of bronze caught my eye, looking at the cock and man-fur in front of me I realised that it looked familiar. Looking across at the girls, they had similar bewildered looks. Before we could say anything we were face to face with the sparkly buttocks once more. Screaming reached deafening levels as the strippers reached up and started to reveal their faces, protecting what little modesty they had with their free hands. As they wrestled with their masks, the pennies dropped: our men were about to show our goodies to the audience. Not on our watch! We simultaneously dived forward and covered their junk with our hands. I hid my face in the small of Edward's back and snickered as Rose bit Emmett's buttock – for a very manly man, Emmett Cullen has a very girlie squeal. The room was silent as the identities of the strippers were revealed, and then it exploded into a cacophony of screams and applause. The boys bowed, waved and grinned from ear to ear as every woman in the room was on their feet.
Edward looked over his shoulder and winked at me, "told you I would see you soon..." He yelped as I slapped his bare ass.
I looked at Carlisle, "you are in so much trouble old man!"
He bellowed with laughter. "Sorry Bella," he pouted "but it was for a good cause after all." He fluttered his eyelashes and I could feel my anger start to fade away.
Damn him and his lethal pout!