A/N If I owned the Justice League there would definitely be some...interesting adventures.
Author's Note: I don't know if I'm the only one who's noticed, but there are a LOT of Batman/Wonder Woman fics on this site. Many of these exhibit the same odd behavior: Diana swears a lot, Bruce goes from an indestructible emotionless bastard to a sniveling lover in seconds, Wondy seems pretty darn horny for a supposedly virgin princess, they have an insane number of kids, and they both seem to have the attention span of a squirrel on crack when it comes to making conclusions. Now to be clear this parody doesn't mock their relationship, it makes fun of BMWW Fan Fiction. Now that that's out of the way, I present to thee a parody mocking and exaggerating these fics...
It was a dark night in Gotham as the sinful city's protector stood proud and tall on the roof of a building, drinking in the skyline and corruption of his prized city.
From behind him a light breeze fluttered as the sound of heels clicking against the pavement was heard. "Hello, Dark Knight."
Batman turned his head to see a beautiful Amazon standing behind him, her hands resting on her hips as she stared at him. "Hello, Princess."
Mm-mm, that man's ass is looking fine tonight! Diana thought to herself as Bruce turned around to look at the city below once more. "You didn't answer my call, Bruce."
"I know, Diana. I was busy making Catwoman-" If he says my bitch I'll kick his ass with Hera as my witness! -"put back the pieces she stole from the museum tonight." He explained.
"Hm, why don't you ever have me help you, Bruce?" Diana asked flirtatiously, "Even if there was no crime I'm sure we could find something to do."
"Or someone." Bruce smirked in agreement. Suddenly, his face turned expressionless and he became silent.
"Bruce, what the hell?" Diana scowled, "Why do you have to ruin the moment?"
"Because," Batman sighed as he flipped his head back as though he had flowing locks to shake. "I'm Batman. I have to time for love and affection and puppies and kids and bathing."
Hera, I'd tap that so hard. "Sorry, what?"
"You can't handle me, Princess. Even though Bruce Timm made it seem like we like each other we both know it could never work."
"What the freak are you talking about, Bruce?"
"Diana..." He gasped, stepping forward and placing the back of his hand over his forehead, flinging his spine back and closing his eyes. "We cannot be."
Suddenly, even though she was happy a few moments ago and was famous for being able to control her emotions, Diana burst into hysterical tears. "Why can't you let me love you, Bruce? I want to be with you forever!"
"Yeah, hate to break it to you but you're immortal and I'm not." He frowned, "It won't work."
"You don't know that!"
"Um, yes, I do. Everyone knows that."
"We could find a way to be immortal together, my darling!"
"No, we can't. And I'm not just saying this because at some point Terry has to take over."
"Nothing. The point is I can't get past that."
Suddenly, a shimmering light appeared over them both. Bruce covered his covered eyes and squinted to see a beautiful woman floating above them. She was wearing a tight, white chitin and her brown hair was piled in a Greek bun over her head. Her eyes and olive skin were unmistakable; this was Hera.
"My lady!" Diana cried, falling to her knees and bowing.
"Get up. You can get your knees dirty after I'm done with this, child." The Goddess ordered, "Diana, you are a good servant of the Gods. Because of this we are willing to reward you by taking away your immortality."
"...You want to reward her for your service by making her die sooner?" Bruce blinked.
"Only if she agrees to it."
"Oh. My. Hera. Yes!" Diana squealed with an excited clap, "I would love to be made mortal and vulnerable so I could spend my life with Bruce!"
"Alright bitch how many times do I have to tell you it's Batman when I'm wearing the cowl?" Bats snapped.
"So, just so I am certain, you wish to endure aging, wrinkles, getting fat, losing your breasts, your hair turning gray, your joints failing, losing your hearing, your sight, and your body slowly dying so you can be with a man who is distant, unaffectionate, denies caring about you, and has never expressed a desire to officially do anything with you?"
"As you wish." Hera shrugged, raising her palms. Her eyes glowed like purple embers as she chanted in Greek and stared down at them. "By the power of the Titans and with the blessing of Zeus, I, Hera, condone the Champion's wish to be granted with my power as the Goddess of love and family!"
"Isn't Aphrodite the Goddess of love?" Bruce frowned.
"Quiet foolish mortal." Hera hissed, "I, Hera, command the forces of universe to release the frozen hands of time in the Champion and grant her the gift of death and fertility!"
Thunder rolled in the distance, lighting flashed through the sky, and Kim Kardashian blew some random black guy in the distance as the wife of Zeus chanted.
All around Diana blue energy began to flow like water. Her aura flared then flickered into pale yellow as her blue eyes widened and her body trembled. A moan escaped her lips as she shook and her eyes rolled behind her head like a scene from The Exoticist.
"Is she becoming mortal or having an orgasm?" Bruce asked as he raised an eyebrow.
"B-Both." Diana gasped as the last trace of immortality left her body.
Hera peered down at her curiously. "Feel better?"
"My joints hurt, my muscles ache, my back's killing me because my damn tits, the floor's dirty, my hair's turning grey, and I think I'm pregnant."
"Fabulous! Ta-ta!" The Goddess called, blowing a kiss and disappearing into a puff of smoke.
Once she had gone, Diana turned her towards Bruce and placed her hands on her hips as she smirked triumphantly. "Well Mr. Broody, you ain't got shit on me now."
Suddenly Bruce fell to his knees in agony and began to sob hysterically, his shoulders shaking and his breath coming out in tiffs as he wept. "N-No, we cannot! Diana, get it through your head that I can't love you! Aside from contracting and STD from Talia and being unable to get an erection I just can't!"
"Why the hell not you whiny little bitch?" She demanded, "I just gave up my immortality for you! You know what that means? You see how effing giant my tits are? Yeah, a few years and they're going to down to my knees. I didn't give up my best feature for you to crap out on me, Bruce. Tell me!"
"Because my parents are dead!"
"What does that have to do with dating me?"
"You just don't get it, Gawd!"
"How does crying even work in your cowl? It covers your eyes."
Bruce suddenly stopped crying and looked up at Diana in wonder. Did she understand? Had he finally found in equal? Aside from Catwoman, Talia, Andrea, Zatanna, Dinah, that one waitress from Hooters, Paris Hilton, and Babs he'd never loved anyone before. Could he love Diana?
Probably not, but she had such amazing breasts.
"-I'm cramping, the night's too dark, my cholesterol's up, the Invisible Jet broke-Mph!" Diana was cut off from her rant by Bruce pressing her against a wall and kissing her deeply even though moments before he had said he wanted nothing to do with her.
Wonder Tits-er, Woman responded by wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer. As their tongues danced and their souls brushed, a woman was brutally beaten and raped in the alley next to them. But since they were finally getting out their tension, it was okay.
"Bruce, please." Diana panted as she broke the kiss. "I need-...I need-..."
"Me to make love to you?"
"Well I was going to say a mint, but that works too."
"I was just thinking the same thing." Bruce agreed and magically sprouted bat wings while scooping her into his arms. "To the Bat Bed!"
Since this was BMWW land where pigs flew and Snookie was a virgin, it made perfect sense. I don't know maybe Hera blessed them again or something. Diana smiled and cuddled into his chest as he flew off into the sky above Gotham.
"Bruce, you know I could have carried you."
"Shut up. We can't let the reader think you're the man." He hissed.
"Never mind." Bruce sighed as they reached the mansions front steps and his bat wings vanished. "I'll explain later."
He kicked open the door with his boot since his belt which had everything from Kryptonite to Bat condoms apparently didn't have enough room for house keys. Oh yeah. Bruce thought to himself as he began to head up the stairs. I'm getting me some sweet stuff tonight.
"I say, get some, Master Bruce!" Alfred cried in approval as he caught sight of Batman carrying Diana up the stairs into his bedroom.
Bruce ignored him and opened the door, even though he needed both hands to carry Diana it somehow made sense. He laid her on the bed and grinned as he removed his cowl.
"Bruce, I'm a little nervous." Diana confessed as he unbuttoned her top even though she was in a uniform that had no buttons.
"Aw, is this your first time?"
"What? Hell no! Don't you ever read Fan Fiction? I've been with you, Superman, two Flashes, Kid Flash, J'onn, Green Lantern, Shayera, Aquaman, Robin, Alfred, Nightwing, Artemis, Green Arrow, Steve Trevor, Agent Faraday, Nemesis, Ma Kent, Naruto-"
"Yeah, you can be quiet now."
"Powergirl, Lex Luthor, Pocahontas, Captain Jack Sparrow, Lois Lane, The Atom, Vigilante, Supergirl, Oracle, Wildcat, Booster Gold, Superboy-''
"Seriously. Shut up."
"And that's just the actual characters! Then there's Mary Stus, a few Mary Sues, Eminem, Michael Myers, Bill Clinton, your Mom, Peter Griffin, and who could forget when I killed Kenny when I cam-"
He silenced her with a kiss to her lips as he pulled her against him. "Diana, I want you to know that I love and respect you very, very much." He murmured, grasping her face in his hands. "Now take off your pants."
She did as he asked and the two once more embraced. Soon, the ancient act of mating fell upon the two as they explored each other's nude bodies. And even though it was Diana's first time which should have guaranteed excruciating pain and a performance of no more than five minutes, it was the greatest pleasure either of them had ever experienced and went on for hours.
After it ended, Diana rolled over on to her side and looked at Bruce. "So, did I rock your world harder than anyone else had before?"
"Diana, you're super strong everywhere. You destroyed my penis."
"I'll take that as a yes." She smiled proudly. "So Bruce, you remember how you said you loved me?"
"Huh? Oh yeah, sure. Whatever."
"Good, because I'm pregnant."
"And you're the father."
"How the hell is that possible? We just finished having sex!"
"It's possible because you're Batman."
"That makes no sense!"
"Neither does this story." Diana shrugged, "Did I mention we're having octuplets?"
"What the-How can you be pregnant with eight kids when we just had sex!"
"That's the magic of Macy's."
"I'm out of here!" Bruce exclaimed as he rolled out of the bed and threw on a pair of boxers. "I already have three sons that are emotional wrecks, I don't need any more!"
"But they're yours!"
"Do I look like Oliver Queen to you?"
"No, you look like a jackass!"
Something about her words made him realize how much she loved him. Something about calling him a jackass made him realize he loved her as well. Almost unable to hold himself together after such a revelation, Bruce fell onto his knees and managed to magically pull a ring out of his boxers that had came from virtually nowhere.
"Diana, will you marry me?"
"Oh, Bruce!" Diana gasped, "Hell yes you sexy bastard!"
And so they married. In fact, they lived happily ever after.
Well, at least until Queen Hippolyta found out and made them get a divorce. After all, no way would in Tartarus she let her daughter marry a rodent.
Not even in BMWW land.
A/N I have a Superman/Wonder Woman parody in the works too, so don't feel like this was just an attempt to bash the WonderBat ship. I have to distribute my mockery fairly, after all;)
A/N While I'm normally very open to criticism, I will not tolerate anything along the lines of 'OMG how cld u trsh BmWW! they da bomb n u dont kno anything! this story sucks grape jelly!'. Again, this was a parody of the stereotypes of BMWW fics, not the shipping. And with that out of the way, please review:)