Princess and the Frog 2: Air Quality Alert
This film is CGI
Tiana was welcoming a crowd of hungry customers.
"My restaurant is open, finally! Everyone is welcome to eat at Tiana's Place. Wait, that is such an uncreative name. Was I high or something? Anyway, the grand opening is right here! Feel free to make God angry and commit gluttony to your heart's content!" Yowls of protest erupted from her tagline, which was 'Feel free to make God angry and commit gluttony to your heart's content!' Tiana tuned it out by having 'A Moment Like This' stuck in her head. She looked up at the ceiling and did a face palm. She realized there was no chandelier. But I specifically remember that I wanted a chandelier. Did I somehow forget it?
"Dod Gammit! Wait, did I say that right? Curse my derbal vyslexia! RRRGH!" Tiana was turning red. I wish I was still a frog.
"Hey, Rihanna, why not get us a ferris wheel instead of that chandalier, or even a train, or an arcade even, just like Chuck E. Cheese." Naveen suggested. Tiana narrowed her eyes.
"My name is TIANA! Not RIHANNA! You're my hubbie, you should know by now! And why are you so childish that you'd want rides and games? Those don't belong in a restaurant! I WANT A FRIGGIN CHANDALIER!" Tiana said harshly. A fireball shot out of her mouth and several people ducked as it barely singed their hair.
"I also want an obsidian toilet and, don't tell nobody, but my Asian friend named Chang owns a City Wok and he has a house that we can both move into. Catch is, it's a bootleg house, so living in it could be copyright infringement." Tiana was zoning out while Naveen was voicing his childish dreams. No, I don't mean she was watching The Twilight Zone. I mean everything was going in one ear and out the other. She was thinking about her plan to get enough money for a chandelier.
The next day Tiana went to work wearing a revealing outfit that could qualify for being 'She cleans up nicely' and 'Stripperific' if this story were ever mentioned on TvTropes. Every male customers' jaw dropped. Her manager was not happy.
"You're going to work dressed like THIS? Show some dignity!"
"I thought maybe I'd make a little more money by dressing up in a revealing outfit so customers would have more of an incentive to eat here often, seeing me flaunting my curves."
"If you come here dressed like that one more time..." her manager left the sentence open while he ran a single finger horizontally across his neck. The death gesture.
Plan B: She put a dummy on the sidewalk and drove into it at a high velocity (the dummy was made to look like Tiana). She set up a camera on a tripod set to record all the action. She then put the video on her Macindows (Mac and Windows had merged together into one operating system, owned by Microple). After a few quick edits, she was ready to play the pretending game. By buying a wheelchair from Book and Music Exchange. Her restaurant was not wheelchair accessible, and she knew that legally she could sue the restaurant owner for not including a wheelchair ramp for the crippled customers. Hello, money!
On her way to the court, her power wheelchair had run out of batteries, she got run over by a lorry, and now she really was crippled. She started getting hungry and found that she couldn't get into her own restaurant because it was still wheelchair inaccessible, and guess where she was confined? Yup. So she decided to sue her own restaurant for negligence to cater towards those who are crippled. I am gonna get that hundred thousand to buy a chandelier so that it will set the mood better. Screw my well being.
"Tiana Pilkerton, are you aware that you have just sued yourself since you are the sole owner of your eponymous restaurant? So you didn't actually win or lose any money." Tiana gritted her teeth in rage. Things got worse.
"I'm sorry, Tiana Pilkerton, but you'll never walk again. Your injury is that severe, I'm afraid," her doctor said grimly.
She received a call from her boss saying that she was fired for not being able to come into work, and that there being no wheelchair ramp and being confined to a wheelchair was no excuse to miss work. "DEY TURK ER JEERBS!" she screamed while looking at the sky. She asked Naveen to comfort her.
"Sorry, Tiana, I have to visit my friend. His place will be good enough to move into pretty soon."
"Yeah, especially cuz I'm living homeless now that I'm fired from my restaurant and if I showed up at my own place again, they would shoot the heck out of my face off." Her home was actually her own restaurant.
Three months and seven hundred barfed up dead mice later, Tiana was excited to move in with Naveen into Chang's house while Chang moved out to live at his City Wok. Tiana saw something that caught her eye. It was a chandelier. She narrowed her eyes in suspicion.
"How much for that chandelier?" Tiana asked nicely.
"Not for shale. Anyway, wehrcome to shitty Wok." Tiana decided she had to steal that chandelier to use in her own restaurant. Confined in her wheelchair, it wouldn't be easy. Naveen face palmed.
"If you're gonna be this difficult, not even getting even close to thinking about my need for a ferris wheel and a roller coaster and a train ride and an arcade, then I don't think you're real super romantic." He started doing pelvic thrusts at the air.
"What is this nonsense?" Tiana demanded.
"If I can't get lucky with you since your approval rating just dropped to zero basically, then maybe the next best thing is to hump the air." Tiana made a disgusted face.
"But I BREATHE the air! I don't wanna breathe in your sperm and have seven million babies!" Tiana held her breath. Every female was in trouble of this new perceived air advisory.
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away (well, not quite) the Fenner Brothers were busy writing their version of the National Defense Human Centipede Requirement Act (NDHCRA) where military personnel were required to escort terror suspects to Guantanamo Bay and make them part of the world's longest human centipede. After being satisfied with their version of the bill, they sent it to Congress, to hopefully eventually be signed by president Stupid Sequel (not me. He just happens to be named Stupid and his last name Sequel. I not use an real person.)
"Tiana, your life will be a thousand times more hellish for that terrorist act you pulled on us to get us to sign the deed to your restaurant, using your pet alligator to scare us like that!" The screen blackened around the eyes of the Fenner Brothers and then their eyes faded into darkness.
Tiana snuck into the news station room. She could not let the entire world population grow to over fifty trillion from Naveen's irresponsible humping of the air, thus possibly sending invisible sperm every which way. This is all my hubbie's fault. I should retaliate by flirting with other men. She knocked over the person at the teleprompter.
"What the-" he started before Tiana resumed control over the teleprompter. The news anchor was reading off the teleprompter without thinking about what he or she was saying.
"And Naveen Pilkerton, better known as Prince Naveen of Maldonia, has..." someone coughed louder than his next word "...the air, so if you're a woman or Harry Potter and are watching this, you'd better either not breathe at all for the rest of your life or get an oxygen tank and mask similar to in those old folks' homes, and rely on that for life, unless you're okay with being a baby dispenser." Tiana found herself being escorted by security, but that was okay because she typed all she wanted to say. The question is, would the public believe her? While she was being escorted out of the premises, they were walking slowly just enough for Tiana to take in every word of president Stupid Sequel's signing of the NDHCRA into law. Better absolutely fill my home with booby traps because that shit will not fly with me. Anyone who tries to make me part of a human centipede has got another think coming.
Just when she got done installing the final booby trap in her home (she murdered Chang and turned his City Wok into a home. No one thought anything of it) she realized she had forgotten all about the air quality alert.
"I DON'T WANT FIFTY MILLION BABIES!" Tiana was being hysterical now. She remembered that when she was a frog, she could not breathe at all, and did not need to, so she needed to find the pieces of Facilier's talisman, duct tape them back together, like a jigsaw puzzle, and turn herself back into a frog. The thought of babies growing in her lungs made her sick even more than the NDHCRA. Fortunately she remembered the exact place where she shattered Facilier's talisman. Unfortunately, on her way out of her house, she accidentally set off one of her own booby traps. She ended up taking an arrow to the knee. "Gotta be more careful here now." She carefully pulled it out and proceeded onward. She wrote a note saying 'Every woman who sees this, please use this talisman to turn yourself into a frog so you don't overpopulate the world by breathing in the sperm air.'
She duct taped the talisman all together as a single unit and used its magic to turn herself back into a frog, and she duct taped the note to the talisman, and duct taped the talisman to her back. She found that she was not getting pregnant. "Woo hoo!" She cheered. She hopped around town, hoping to get someone's attention. Charlotte saw the frog with the talisman and decided she too had to turn herself into a frog.
"I committed an act of terrorism and I don't want the military to escort me and make me part of a human centipede." Charlotte panted, all her words almost sounding like a single syllable. Tiana saw a human girl panting heavily. And she wasn't turning into a baby dispenser. How very queer.
"Wait, she's breathing but not getting pregnant? But the air is filled with Naveen's sperm! Could I have been wrong about breathing in sperm turning women into baby dispensers? Oh shit! I turned myself into a frog for nothing! Except maybe as protection from those Goddamn military who are so insistent on enforcing the NDHCRA."
When Tiana got home, she saw that another one of the booby traps she installed in her house had gone off. In the hallway, hanging there, by a rope noose, she saw... the dead bodies of the Fenner Brothers. What were they doing here in her home? She saw a note taped to the bottom of their shoes. It read 'Dear Tiana, If we die while looking for you and you pick up this note, we want you to know that we are planning to turn you in to the authorities because of terrorism charges. You may be thinking, what do you mean by terrorism charges? Well, remember when you had your pet alligator scare the shit out of us, threatening to kill us if we didn't sign the deed to your restaurant? That shit will not fly in the US legal system (remember September 11, 2001?) and we did not call the police because phones are so complicated here in the year 2012 that I'm surprised if I ever learn how to tun those effing things on. Also, we did not know where you live, so we had to try to track you down by stealing the dog Stella and using her scent trail, but one day her nose randomly fell off for no reason, so scent trail was out of the question. We had to resort to randomly looking for you, hoping to escort you to the police. You're in deep dog shit, Tiana. We are watching you even from beyond the grave (if we die before you are prosecuted). I hope you remember the National Defense Human Centipede Requirement Act. Sincerely, the Fenner Brothers.' It seemed like they intended to mail the letter, but they forgot, maybe? She crumpled up the note and swallowed it. "Ghosts are as real as the square root of negative one."
When she went into the bathroom, a military guy was using her toilet... without her permission.
"What the vuck are you doing in my bathroom?"
"Ahh, a talking frog! You must be a terrorist, and you know what the military are required to do with terrorists." The guy grabbed Tiana and Charlotte and took them on a long spaceship ride to Guantanamo Bay. The human centipede was already long enough to barely fit inside the borders. He sewed Tiana and Charlotte to each other and to the last person of the centipede.
"We need a count," one of the FEMA camp staff said. One of the staff started counting each link one by one.
"Ten thousand and fifty three," he replied.
"I think we have the world record now!" The first staff said with glee. Tiana knew deep down in her heart that she deserved to be here for using Lewis, I mean, Louis, the alligator to scare the Fenner Brothers into signing the deed to her restaurant.
"Come again?" The person at the front of the centipede shouted.
"The Fenner Brothers made the National Defense Human Centipede Requirement Act so that they could help the United States break a world record because seriously, this country is lacking in the world record department, and the Fenner Brothers were huge fans of the Human Centipede series and the South Park episode 'HUMAN CENTiPAD', so why not create the world's longest human centipede in their honor?" Tiana suddenly realized exactly why she was still able to get her restaurant despite the alligator terrorism. The Fenner Brothers knew that they wanted this world record ever since the first movie. She was glad they were dead.
"Will you marry me?" Tiana said to one of the FEMA camp staff, her voice muffled.
"I don't care what you have to say, you slimy little frog!" the FEMA camp guard pressed. Tiana said something in sign language. Being part of the military, he was able to interpret sign language.
"It's not slime, it's mucus," he translated. Tiana bit the asshole of the person in front. They muffled a quiet scream. Then Tiana said something else in sign language. "The person in front of me knows the elixir to stop terrorism permanently." The FEMA camp guard unhinged him from the person in front.
"Actually the person in front of me knows." Everyone in the human centipede said that same thing after being unhinged. And the FEMA staff guy, before he realized it, unhinged everyone, destroying the world's longest human centipede.
"GOD DAMMIT!" he shouted. Everyone in Guantanamo Bay departed. Tiana knew no way home. She had no money. No food. No car. Fortunately there was a huge Ferris wheel nearby. How convenient that Guantanamo Bay is definitely near the Texas State Fair, which has the world's largest Ferris Wheel. She unhinged the Ferris wheel using a computer mouse and a calculator. Classic MacGyver thinking skills. She got in one of the cars as it had started rolling. She rolled about 2,000 miles back to Nawlins. That was fun. Maybe Naveen was right that my restaurant needs a Ferris Wheel. Screw the chandelier. She dismantled the Ferris Wheel piece by piece and rebuilt it inside the restaurant (she was allowed back in and her job back after helping destroy the evil government's plan for the world's longest human centipede) and this helped her and Naveen rekindle, I mean, reBOOK their love for one another (Tiana turned human again after sinning once). What about the arcade? It consisted of a sign with the words 'THE GAME' written on it in big bold letters. You know you just lost, no denying it! Well, it is a game, isn't it?