Summary: The third installment in the V-Wars trilogy, a parody mashup of V and Star Wars from Hobbes' screwed up point of view. Please read Hobbes' New Hope and The Visitors Strike Back (both of which can be found through my profile page) for major lulz, then come back to read this conclusion!
There's no real time frame for this, though there are spoilers for events in the second season. Aw, I started this so long ago. In more innocent times. (lol).
Rated T for language, sexual innuendo.
Pairings: Erica/Lisa is discussed, and Erica/Hobbes leanings are also heavily implied.
Return of the Whiner
On the train to Philadelphia, Ryan sat next to the window with Jack on his left. Erica sat down across from Jack, also next to the window, and Hobbes took a seat beside her. Jack tried to get some sleep but he, along with Ryan and Erica, were kept awake by Kyle's seemingly never-ending tale.
"Somehow, we all ended up on Tatooine." Kyle drawled. "To get Tyler back, we had to go to Jabba's palace and all that."
He was slouched comfortably in his seat, much too close to Erica for Jack's liking. Jack wished he'd used his Jedi powers to make Erica sit next to him instead.
"So Jabba was just Jabba in your dream?" asked Ryan. He was fascinated. Val used to tell him about her dreams all the time, but they'd always been about food or shopping.
Hobbes turned his head slightly, so he could look past Erica, to gaze out the window beside her. "No." he said thoughtfully. "Jabba was Anna."
"I thought Anna was Darth Vader?" said Ryan.
"She was." Hobbes assured him, turning to look at the only Visitor he (almost) trusted. "But in this part, she's Jabba the Hutt. It's a dream, Ryan, don't think so hard."
"Do Visitors dream?" Erica asked Ryan, intrigued by his fascination.
"Nah." Ryan said. "Not like humans."
"Not like Hobbes?" Jack said genially, smiling Ryan's way.
"Definitely not like Hobbes..."
Somehow, two visitors - with a lower case v - made it past the guards at Anna the Hott's palace. Marcus was alerted, and he scurried into the dank hallway to greet them at once. Two humans, one in a shiny gold suit and the other in a blue t-shirt and cargo shorts, were approaching the main party room of the palace, the one where all the fun was had.
The gold-suited one introduced himself immediately. "Chad-3PO, Prime Focus News." He leaned forward, emphasizing his addendum. "Galactic Edition. This," he continued, gesturing to the young man beside him. "Is my counterpart, Sid-2-D2. He's really good with all kinds of science. We'd like to be taken to Anna immediately."
"Who...are you...again?" Marcus asked slowly, somehow less than impressed.
"I am Chad-3PO, human-Visitor relations. I am fluent in over two forms of communication. Three, to be exact. English, News Anchor and failese."
Marcus eyed the golden(tan) robot(voiced) man in front of him, quite suspicious of his chipper way of speaking and all around pleasant disposition. "Do you have an appointment with Anna?" her second in command asked.
"No," said Chad. "But I have a very important message for her that only I can deliver. See what I did there? I made it so you can't kill me. Ever."
"Until you've delivered the message, of course." Marcus reminded him, smiling curtly.
"Ah." Chad smiled, already prepared with an answer. "The thing about me you don't know is, I am continually getting messages that only I can deliver through my ear piece. Really important stuff. Things I don't think Anna would want to miss. Things that, if not reported to her, might mean certain danger or doom for whomever kept her from receiving them..."
"Alright!" Marcus exclaimed. "Alright I'll take you to Anna. Just stop smiling so smugly."
So Chad and Sid were taken to Anna. Then, they were promptly deactivated, and sent for bliss and training as wait staff on the mistress' sail barge.
"Aw, Sid." Erica cooed, smiling as she thought of their young associate. He'd always reminded her of a smarter if slightly more nervous version of Tyler. Hobbes realized that he would have to try harder. He couldn't let her forget the real focus of the story.
"Meanwhile," said Hobbes. "Since they already knew the robots would fail - "
"Oh come on," Jack chided him lightly. "Chad's been doing his part since he joined us for good."
"I only meant in the dream." Hobbes assured them. "I can't help what my subconscious tells me." he added wryly, glancing at Erica and thinking of her and Lisa in wet, white bikinis.
"I miss Sid too." said Ryan, mostly to Erica. They shared a sad smile, and Hobbes explained what happened next.
Lando Kyle-rissian, ultimate ladies man and master of disguise, was already living undercover in Jabba's palace-
"Wait - you're Lando now?" Ryan interrupted yet again. "Finally we get a black guy, and I'm still stuck with the furry alien?"
"Furry's better than scaly." Hobbes replied.
"Only where you're from." Ryan shot back.
"That is very insensitive, Kyle." Erica agreed with a sarcastic smirk.
"Come on!" said Hobbes to Ryan. "In Star Wars, a lot of the aliens are good guys, I thought you'd at least appreciate that."
"Alright," said Ryan. "I'll take it as a compliment then."
Annnnywaysss, Lando Kyle-rissian was already inside Jabba's palace, so when a mysterious bounty hunter arrived with Chew-Ryan in tow, he already knew who was behind the mask.
"It's Princess Lisa, right?" said Jack.
"No spoilers, Jack." Ryan said scoldingly, shaking his head.
"Yes," Hobbes sighed anyway. "It's Princess Lisa. Let's just skip to the part where Anna puts her in the metal bikini and a leash, shall we?"
Suddenly, Chew-Ryan was captured and imprisoned, and Lisa was leashed and bikinied, pimped out by her mother as a decoration for her sitting platform. The platform that Anna sat on. Just to sit. 'Cause she was pregnant with a thousand egg-babies and was, at the moment, morbidly obese.
"Visitor queens don't get fat when they get pregnant." Ryan interrupted. "Annnd, come to think of it, compared to Jabba the Hutt, human women don't get that fat either."
"It made sense in the dream." said Hobbes, that and a shrug his only offer of an explanation.
It was up to Erica Solo now. She stormed Anna's palace, killing everyone in sight and muttering the words 'If you want something done right...' Once she got deep enough into Anna's desert lair, Erica encountered Kyle-rissian and they had a fierce makeout session.
Erica bit her lip and looked through the train window at the trees rushing past.
"Uh oh," Ryan, who still had a good view of her face, teased her. "Someone's blushing."
Hobbes, still slouched deep in his seat, quickly turned to look. He grinned when he saw Erica smile and turn further away from him. Ohhh, his plan was working.
"Mmmmmmmm," Erica mm'd, knocking Kyle's helmet off with the passion of her kiss. They gasped for air when they were done, and went back to killing everything in sight. They killed their way to Anna's party room, and decided to blend and mingle for a moment so they could grab some hors d'oeuvres. After three spinach feta rolls - no, wait, she's swallowing and taking one more...after four spinach/feta rolls for Erica, and six quick bacon-wrapped scallops for Kyle, they went back into killing mode and mowed down the rest of Anna's party guests - that is, all of them except those on Anna's sittin' platform. Anna herself was reclined on her side, with her enslaved daughter laying in front of her. Lisa looked very creeped out, with her crazy preggo mother petting her hair and smirking and all that. The only other creature left was a rat-like muppet sitting next to the end of Anna's tail.
"What the hell is that?" Kyle muttered to Erica.
"Its name is LornaCat," said Lisa. "And it laughs at everything whether it's funny or not."
Sick of its cackling, Anna whipped her tail toward the foul creature, and it went flying across the room, collapsing in a pile of raspy giggles in a dank, dirty corner where no one could hear it anymore. Then Anna yanked on Lisa's chain, making the princess wince with pain.
"I see you've come for your precious princess." Anna said to her latest guests, following up her statement with an evil chuckle. Kyle narrowed his eyes at Her Royal Fatness, and then peeked at Lisa's bod, 'cause seriously, Princess Lisa in the slave bikini? What evennnnnnnn-
"That's right." Erica said defiantly, her hand on her holstered weapon. It seems she and Kyle had missed a few guards who'd been at the hors d'oeuvres table, guards that were now flanking them with drawn weapons. Why the fourth spinach feta roll, Erica?
"And you still want her?" Anna said, patronizing them with a smirk. "After she's been shamed and humiliated in such a way?"
Erica missed Anna's last remark, since she was too busy giving Lisa an reassuring look.
-You look sooo good.- Erica mouthed.
-Really?- Lisa mouthed back with a hopeful expression.
-Sooooo good.- Erica mouthed, turning her eyes upward as she said the 'so' like she just couldn't stand it.
"Yeah!" Kyle said to Anna, even more defiantly. "We still want her, even in a skimpy metal bikini that bares her perfect midriff and legs while still shrouding and accentuating the most lovely and private of female parts. We still want her!"
"We want her even more like that!" Erica chimed in. Lisa flipped her hair proudly, and Anna scowled.
"Fine." said Anna. "You can have her. But you'll have to get through me first!"
Erica and Kyle waited, but nothing seemed to be happening. Anna's face contorted, as if she was exerting a lot of energy but not getting any results.
"Mother...?" Lisa said hesitantly. "Are you...trying to roll off the platform?"
"Get out of my way, you traitorous whore!" Anna shouted at her daughter.
"Let go of my leash!" Lisa shot back, since that was the only thing keeping her from obeying her mother's last command. Anna released the leash from her hand, and Lisa scrambled off of the platform and rushed over to Erica, who embraced Lisa protectively. They all watched Anna strain, wiggling back and forth, the thin skin on her slug like body revealing the egg-babies that sloshed within. Every time Anna wiggled, they'd slosh some more, sickening her guests with the sound of sac-contained liquid. Finally Anna succeeded in rolling off of the platform, right onto the wood lattice that covered the pit that housed her pet rancor.
"Yes!" Anna cried out in victory, since V obviously stands for the victory of the Visitors, not of humans. Then, they all heard the sound of cracking wood. The lattice beneath her was about to break! "Noooo!" Anna screamed violently, as it really gave way, and she went tumbling down into the pit.
Ryan collapsed into giggles, just like he'd done in the car on the way to the train station.
"Why were we just standing there?" Erica asked Hobbes. She thoroughly enjoyed the image of Anna dying from the weight of her own mistakes.
"There were guards, remember? Though they did sort of wander off for no reason after that..."
With Anna the not-so-Hot vanquished, her riff-raff and guards dispersed, and that freed Erica, Kyle and Lisa to run to the Tyler relief sculpture that was on display on the other side of the room. Once they'd released the block of carbonite from the wall and begun the melty process, Kyle and Lisa stood back and left Erica to catch the boy's limp, weak body in her own arms.
"Uh!" Erica scoffed as she fell from her crouch onto her ass. "Thanks for the help guys." she said sarcastically. Tyler was not exactly carrying size anymore.
"He's not my son." Kyle muttered, to which Lisa snorted in sympathy.
"Ugh..." Tyler groaned, blinking as he woke from his freeze-coma. "I am feeling such mild discomfort right now..."
"Try not to move," Erica warned him. "You're going to get that goop all over me."
Tyler jumped slightly, startled by the other voice. "Where am I?" he demanded.
"You're in Anna's palace." said Erica.
"Oh." Tyler said calmly. Seemed legit. "How did I get here?"
"You were frozen in carbonite after Georgie Calrissian sold us out to Darth Anna on Cloud City. It was a total crapfest, you're lucky you don't remember it."
"Who..." Tyler stammered, blinking rapidly though his vision was still dark. "Who are you?"
"Someone who-" Erica tried to say. She found the words got stuck in her mouth. "Someone who..." She sighed loudly and swallowed her pride. "Someone...who loves you." she finally got out. "In spite of all the stupid things you've said and done." she went on. "In spite of all of that, I love you, because you are my son, I gave birth to you, and society sort of dictates that I have to have some sort of maternal 'love' instinct that makes me want to protect you even though you clearly don't deserve it."
"Mom!" Tyler laughed with relief. "I'm so glad to see you! Well, I guess I can only hear you right now. What's going on, are the lights off?"
"No honey, you're blind, I think it's hibernation sickness."
"Oh. Is Lisa here?"
"Uh, yeah...yeah, she is. Just be glad you're blind right now, okay?"
"Why?" Tyler demanded. "Was she hurt? Did someone mangle her beautiful face and/or body?"
"Quite the opposite, actually." Erica murmured. "I'll show you the pictures when you're better. Right now we have to get you out of here..."
They went back to the Evans' house to regroup. Let's take this time to remind everyone that, for Tyler and Ryan, regrouping meant cleaning the house, while Erica and Lisa-
"We remember!" Erica, Jack and Ryan shouted.
Hobbes said it anyway. "Hot. Lesbian. Sex."
And later that afternoon...
"Mom!" Tyler shouted from his bedroom. "Mooooooom, where are you? I'm out of clean shirts! Mommm?"
"Tyler!" hissed a voice from his closet. "Enough already, your mom's not around!"
Tyler's jaw dropped. He recognized the voice. "Jackie-Wan Kenobi?" he exclaimed, running to the closet and yanking the door open. "Jackie-Wan, you're alive!"
The shimmering blue spectre in his closet smiled sheepishly. "No, not really. I'm speaking to you from beyond, using the Force."
"Oh," said Tyler, chuckling just as sheepishly. "I guess I wasn't listening during that one lesson you taught me. So, how long have you been in there?"
"That's not important! I just wanted to tell you not to give up. The Visitors can be defeated, young Skywhiner..."
"Seriously? How? !"
"Come into the closet and I'll tell you..."
Hobbes took a pause from his storytelling, and noticed the other three were listening a little too intently.
"I didn't actually dream of a way to defeat the Visitors." he explained. Erica, Jack and Ryan all sat back in their seats, disappointed. "Next thing I remember is Endor..."
"With the Ewoks?" Ryan asked excitedly.
"No." Hobbes said coldly. Ryan frowned. "Okay, there were Ewoks," Hobbes confessed. "But I thought you didn't want to hear about any more hot lesbian sex."
"How do Ewoks relate to the hot lesbian sex?" Jack asked, irritated that he felt the need to clarify, especially when Erica and Ryan's eyes widened at the sound of Jack uttering the words 'hot lesbian sex.'
"Do you really want to know?" Hobbes asked him, smirking devilishly.
Ryan put his hands up and addressed the group. "I think we can all imagine, based on previous scenes we've heard here today, how Hobbes' subconscious dreaming mind might put those two things together. Let's just assume it had something to do with the Ewoks undressing the beautiful Princess Lisa so she can put on that cute little dress that she's wearing when she runs out and greets Erica Solo in the Ewok village."
"That's pretty close actually!" Hobbes said in a congratulatory tone. "All you're missing is -"
"Let's!" Ryan interrupted. "Just. Assume."
"And move on." Jack added.
"Do we blow up the second Death Star?" Erica inquired.
"We're almost there." Hobbes assured them. "But on the way to the shield power generator..."
Erica Solo, Chew-Ryan and Lando Kyle-rissian made their way through the deep green forest, clad in their appropriately green mottled armored camoflage ponchos. Well, Erica's had more of a Cleopatra 2525 thing going on, and Lisa wasn't included in the above list because she was back to wearing a white bikini so-
WHAT? WHAT. WHAT DID YOU REALLY EXPECT HER TO BE WEARING? SOMETHING ELSE? WHY WOULD SHE NEED CAMO? WHO WOULD SHOOT AT THAT? NO ONE. NOT A SINGLE STORMTROOPER. I DON'T CARE WHAT BRAINWASH MIND CONTROL THE EMPEROR HIMSELF PUT ON HIS FACELESS SOLDIERS, LISA IS FINE PRANCING AROUND A WAR ZONE IN HER WHITE BIKINI.
Before they reached the empire-made shield generator structure, they were first alarmed and then intrigued by the sound of someone chopping wood. To make sure it wasn't a trap, since Admiral Ackbar would not be around to loudly warn them after it was too late, Erica snuck ahead and was rightfully surprised by the man she found next to a fresh tree stump.
"Joe? What are you doing here?"
"What, in the forest of Endor?" asked Joe, flashing his good-natured smile as he stuck his axe in the stump and walked over to her. "Oh, you know, just cutting down trees. 'Cause I'm a lumberjack."
"You're a lumberjack?" Erica asked, even more surprised and confused than before.
"Yeah. I'm a lumberjack." said Joe, as surprised and confused as she was that she didn't know. "I mean, it was never discussed, but look at the clothes I wear. I thought it went without saying."
"I see your point..."
"Listen, Erica..." Joe said earnestly as he stepped closer.
"Hey, pal." Kyle cut in, stepping closer. "Get in line."
"Shoosh, Kyle." Erica shushed him quickly, turning back to Joe with hope in her eyes. Joe took both of her hands in his, as if he were about to propose again.
"I know things didn't go so well last time..." he began. "But I'd like a second chance."
"Oh, Joe..." Erica said, happy but regretful. "I'm with Lisa now. We're going to find a planet where same-sex, inter-species marriage is legal and raise a new family together. A family of Ewok babies. Because Ewoks fail a lot less than Tyler does."
Joe chuckled sheepishly, glancing at Lisa and knowing exactly why Erica would choose a hot blonde over anyone else, even a sexy lumberjack. "You and I certainly have a type, don't we?" he joked. He grew serious, lovingly serious, and despite the warm, fuzzy, plaid, flannel shirt he was wearing, Erica took him quite seriously indeed. "I just want you to know," said Joe. "I'll always lo-"
He never got the words out. Suddenly a single blaster shot singed the air between them, and it caught Joe right in the heart. Lisa gasped, and Erica watched her ex-husband fall to the ground in a dramatic heap. After a moment of emotional shock, kneeling beside his lifeless body, Erica put her game face on and prepared to deal some double-fisted justice. She knew there was a line of stormtroopers up ahead, waiting and cowering behind the tree line for Erica Solo to come get 'em.
"Congratulations, assholes." she said, pulling a pair of sunglasses from her pocket and putting them on slowly as she stood. "You just made my day."
"...Annnd then you tore all the stormtroopers' heads off with your bare hands."
After that, there was a long silence in the train car. Jack and Ryan stole a glance at each other, worried what Erica's reaction might be. Hobbes, being the shamless son of a bitch he was, dared to look at Erica, and he found her looking right back at him. After countless mentions of hot lesbian sex and bad jokes about fallen comrades, it was quite a detail to throw in there.
"You dreamed about me avenging Joe's death?" she asked him. Her soft tone implied that she was genuinely touched.
Hobbes looked at her with puppy dog eyes and nodded. Jack and Ryan then shared a less worried glance. In fact this second glance was more one of disbelief and sickened eye-rolling.
And then they blew up the Death Star. Did you know? - That thing was operational!
"Oh, gawwwd..." Erica groaned, more from uninvited responsibility than from alarm. "Tyler was probably on that thing when it blew..."
Lisa looked up dreamily into the sky as Erica dressed the small but sexy wound in her arm. It wasn't from blaster fire, OK? She was prancing around almost naked in a forest, she scratched her arm on a tree branch!
"He's fine." the princess said. "I can hear him whining from here."
Erica looked at the still very young princess, and realized that maybe this wasn't meant to last forever. Better to break things off now.
"You love him." said Erica. "Don't you?"
Lisa looked at Erica questioningly. The very thought was crazypants.
"It's okay." said Erica stoically. "When he comes back, I won't get in the way. I'm pretty sure this counts as statutory on some planets anyway."
Lisa smiled adoringly at Erica, finally realizing what she was talking about.
"I don't love Tyler." said Lisa. "He's...too pathetic. I love you, Erica. Now let's go make babies."
Erica grinned. Then she realized what Lisa had just said, and for a moment her smile faltered. "You know that would be physically impossible, even if you were fully human, right?"
Erica smiled. "Nothing. Just kiss me."
They all got off the train feeling strangely enlightened, in a disturbed sort of way.
"I can't believe I remembered all of that." Hobbes remarked, mostly to himself. Jack's eyes got some more exercise as he rolled them upward. Jack was fairly certain Hobbes had made most of it up.
Erica was also certain of that, but she was too busy looking around the platform to call him on it. She saw Lisa right away, and the two blondes waved at each other across a sea of other passengers.
"Hi!" Lisa greeted them with a smile when they reached her location right outside the station doors. Her smile faltered when she saw the way they were acting. Ryan was smiling way too much, and he had a hand on Jack's shoulder as if he needed support. Jack, meanwhile, wouldn't look her in the eye. His smile was more controlled, but no less obvious than Ryan's. Hobbes was giving her the usual pervert stare-n-smirk, not that she minded.
"What?" Lisa asked, her brow furrowing, fearing that a joke had been told about her on the train. Erica was the only one with a proper poker face, and she reached out to touch Lisa's shoulder.
"Nothing." Erica said. "We're just happy to be off the train."
"And we're happy you're alright." Jack added warmly.
"I'm starved." said Hobbes, his hands in his pockets as he looked around at the core of the Fifth Column. "Let's go find a place to eat."
Jack and Ryan were open to that. They looked to Erica for confirmation of the plan to acquire cheesesteak sandwiches before getting to their important mission.
"Why don't you guys go ahead without us." said Erica. She glanced down to her right, at Lisa, to give a genuine, loving smile to her young comrade. "I think we're going to go back to the hotel, just us girls. You know," Erica looked to the boys, her gaze coming to rest on Kyle. "To regroup."
"I do have some things to tell you." Lisa told her quietly, before the boys could do anything more but stare open mouthed at their leader. Of course Lisa being oblivious only made it worse.
"Good," said Erica. "We can catch up while they eat."
...their hearts out. Erica added with her eyes, when she looked at Hobbes and smiled her goodbye.
Ryan held in his laughter until the ladies were some steps away. He patted Jack's shoulder and walked the opposite way toward the line of taxis.
"Serves you right!" he called back to Hobbes.
"Yeah," Jack chuckled. "Keep dreaming." he added sarcastically.
Jackie-Wan turned to follow Ryan, but Hobbes lingered there on the platform, watching Erica and Lisa as they walked away. Erica put her arm around Lisa's shoulders in a motherly gesture, and Hobbes could almost hear her asking the young princess how she'd survived her week alone.
"You can bet I'll keep dreaming." Hobbes muttered. Jack and Ryan may have considered this particular battle lost, but the war in Hobbes' mind was far from over. And I mean that in a Timothy Zahn 'Thrawn trilogy' sort of way. Don't hold your breath for that prequel shit.