A/N Well, that was more response than I expected. I'm glad to have the backup for my story I wanted. To make myself feel more official, it's time to answer the reviews! :D
Riverraiden: Pit is a humanoid in and of himself, so I'd reckon he stays with the humans. I'm glad you loved my portrayals- I'm totally going for good portrayals, so that's good to hear. Guess we'll have to see if you're right!
Stuff: Well, this isn't going to have every animalistic character in it. I'll bet Fox shows up in it somewhere down the line but I wanted to focus on the lesser-written-about characters such as DK (seriously, the amount of ficcage he gets is deplorable). Hence, these are our focused characters.
FalcoFanboy: More Falco? XD I kind of made him the mainish character (although it's really an ensemble piece.) And yes, I do like Shasta too, cause I can get it for like 40 cents at Grocery Outlet. ;)
Akashizaki: Dry? :P Good notice. It was somewhat by intent, but I totally note that it could be too much. Glad you did like it, though! As for Fox and Pikachu, like I stated, they'll probably appear, although perhaps less than the others. Kirby's probably the only supericon I'm featuring in this story heavily.
TwilightOkami: Glad to see I have a follower in you! Agh, the contest… we're trying, don't worry. It's not nearly as easy as it looks. :/
MouseMaster42: Yay, Kindles! As for my disappearance, that was on behalf of accursed Gmail. :P Speaking of which, expect a reply now that I am available. Glad to talk to ya again. Anyway! I hear ya on the story point thing- this time, the wing and its members was supposed to be a proper introduction. This cafeteria will be popping in again, don't you worry. Sort of the home base type thing. Glad to hear you'll be following!
Missybeautimus: :D That's awesome to hear! I'm so glad you already love it. How could I not update with fans like these?
Elig32: Why thank you! Unfortunately, your guess is wrong by default because Ike is not an animal. ;)
Alright, fanmail aside! Time to get to the story. And it's… funny, really, getting to the story. I swore I was going to retire the other day. I'm still pretty sure that for the most part I am. But I believe it was when Elig32 reviewed me that I realized hey, maybe I got a good thing going. I remembered my huge aspirations for this and decided it was worth a go. So, thanks.
This will be the introduction of the new smasher in the hall. It's not necessarily going to be a new smasher overall, and certainly not an OC. Read on to find out the obvious.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, regret nothing and let them forget nothing.
The Dark Knight
"Lord knows what he's scheming up this time," Lucario noted with dry amusement.
"He's not even moving," Melanthe replied listlessly, next to her on the loveseat.
"He doesn't need to be. Just look at him. Twitchy, eager, excited. You can practically feel the mischief pouring off of him."
"No, that's just your thing," Mel reminded her.
"Well, yes, of course," Lucario admitted with a small blush, "but you can't honestly think that he's not going to do any sort of grand welcome for our newest houseguest, do you? Do you not know the man?"
"All too well," was the fond reply. "But even Falco's not that stupid to prank someone who could potentially kick his ass."
"Really?" dry disbelief floated onto the card table in the form of Jigglypuff, who glanced over at the other two ladies who shared the loveseat. "This is Falco. His setting a trap for someone who could easily kick his ass is simply a moment that defines who he is as a man."
From the rocking chair, DK laughed. "Succintly put, Jiggs."
Kirby, who was already biding his time swallowing a tennis ball, spitting it into the air, catching it and then repeating the cycle, wandered over to Falco, who was hunched over a notebook he occasionally scrawled into atop the closed piano. "Hey Falco, everyone thinks you're scheming. Are ya?"
"You bet I am," the avian smirked, staring at an open notebook with unintelligible doodling across it.
"Oh, okay." Kirby wandered away from him, walking back to the others. "Yep! He's scheming!" he confirmed with a grin.
Mel groaned. "Falco, you're an idiot, you know that?"
"You nuts act like the devil's taking residence," he cracked, not even looking up. "Whoever it is, I can take him."
"Hey, you're not the one who's going to have to scrape a broken bird off the pavement," DK reminded him. "Besides, I thought I told you to go easy on whoever this guy is."
"You did," Falco confirmed. "And I remember telling you to kiss my ass. Let me have my fun."
"Alright. You do that. I'll get out my black dress for the inevitable consequences of your actions," Melanthe rolled her eyes.
"Hardy har. Seriously, no one has any confidence in me or my schemes? I'm a master at stuff like these." He turned towards Kirby with a cocky grin. "What about you? You wanna help out?"
"When you die, can I have your blaster?" the young puffball responded, smiling ear to ear with expectancy.
"No you can't have my damn blaster, you little pink bugger," Falco mumbled crossly before turning back to his notebook.
"Aww!" Kirby frowned before sucking the tennis ball back in, resuming his game.
A pregnant pause occurred before DK sighed, saying "Okay, I'll bite. What are you planning?"
"None of your monkey business," Falco cracked. "You're all going to be just as surprised as he is."
"Oh, brother," Lucario groaned. "I swear, if you get me involved in this thing in the slightest, I will turn your mind inside out and turn you into something truly deplorable and humiliating."
Falco smirked. "Like a My Little Pony fan?"
"Hey, fuck you!"
"Stay classy, Mel. Anyway, it'll be simple and hopefully bloodless. I just need two things. Kirby, you're one of them."
"Aw, but I don't wanna die!" Kirby whined, the tennis ball falling on his head. He winced but had no further reaction.
"Come on! I need your copycat skills for a moment. All you need to do is go down to the South Wing and-"
"Whoa, hold the phone," DK chimed in. "You're not sending a kid down to the South Wing." Kirby nodded in a terrified agreement.
"Come on," Falco argued, flipping his notebook shut. "He's adorable! Not even the most awful of villains would mess with him."
"Actually," a voice stated that seemed to have no identifiable source, "you're very wrong about that. Trust me, these aren't those cloying villains who just need to know what love is. They eat kittens for breakfast, spend their Sunday afternoons punching brick walls, and kidnap someone every time a dance comes along around here. They'll see Kirby and play volleyball with his ass."
A soft, petrified eep! was heard as Melanthe stood up, having her fill of everything. She walked near the piano and, looking down, sent a mighty kick through the nearby cardboard box. It flew into the air before landing on the clearly perturbed Snake. "Asshole," she muttered.
Unfazed, he snatched the dented box off of his back and stood up with it. "I think you'd prefer to hear the tales than to experience them. Anyway, birdbrain. What the hell do you need costumes for?"
"Costumes?" Falco found himself surprisingly frozen.
"Yes, costumes." Snake repeated as he stood up. "I caught the whole wanting a prank thing, but if you need a disguise I've bought the whole store in my line of work."
Falco snapped his fingers in recognition. "Oh! Yeah, you're Snake. Sorry, still not used to seeing a human in these parts."
"Well I'm still not used to living amongst animals," was the retort. "But yes, if it's costumes you need, disguises or whatever, I'm your man. Got a whole closet full of them."
"That's…" Falco couldn't grasp the word.
"Odd." Jigglypuff finished without looking up from wherever she was staring.
"So I've been told," Snake replied. "Anyway, are you up for it, Falco?"
It took Falco less than a second to reply "Hell yes. Take me to this mystical wardrobe of yours."
Slightly alienated, Snake replied "O…kay." Without another word, he shrugged and started down the hall, Falco eagerly following behind him. The others (save Jigglypuff) watched them walk down the hall in an odd state of bewilderment.
"Well…" DK started, fishing for a conversation.
"That happened," Jigglypuff finished, as uninvolved as ever.
Melanthe looked around the room, trying to take everything in. "Okay, now I'm kind of interested in what's going to go down."
"Yeah, we caught on to that, Jiggs."
Kirby picked up the tennis ball again. "I'm just really, really curious," he mused, his expression wistful.
"About what?" Lucario inquired.
"Why this guy has all those costumes," he replied as he bounced the ball, this time floating in the air and kicking it into the ground repeatedly.
"Well, he is some sort of secret agent," she offered.
"Well I know that part. But seriously, why would he need so many costumes? I mean, even I don't have that many! And he's a grown-up!"
"You're eight hundred and seventy three years old," Jigglypuff bothered to look up from the window to give a confused look towards the other puffball of the room.
"But I'm such a kid! It's so confusing!" Kirby insisted.
Lucario offered a sympathetic look, while Jigglypuff fixated her attention back on the window, letting the time pass much too silently, with only the continued bouncing of Kirby's tennis ball and his silent keeping track of record bounce lengths.
Eventually, Falco strutted out, a grin on his face. He announced "This prank is going to be sweet."
"Is that so." Jiggly couldn't put enough emphasis on her words to make it a question.
"Yep. Even Snake thinks so," he said proudly, nearly dancing around the room before declaring loudly "Prepare yourselves, North Wing, for the greatest Falco prank since I dyed Lucario's junk red!"
Sputtered laughter was heard from Melanthe's side of the room.
"Indirectly, let me clarify!" Falco was unperturbed. "There was a shower involved! A shower I was most certainly not in, let me further clarify! Anyway, I'm off to go plan my epic revolution of prank! Wait with bated breath, my subjects!" And with that, he twirled off, over the moon.
Silence took hold in the room until it was broken by a boisterous laugh. No one was particularly surprised to see DK in his chair, rocking in helpless laughter. "It's like, it's like…" he breathlessly hunted for words "I dunno, it's like he discovered his inner… shit, I dunno what he discovered, but it's goddamn hilarious."
Jigglypuff glanced at him for a moment; not a particularly harsh glance but one that still couldn't comprehend what his problem was.
"I wonder if his prank thing will be as awesome as he says it is!" Kirby said enthusiastically as DK calmed himself down.
"Yeah, you know, I have to wonder," Lucario murmured in agreement.
"You never know, he just might top his prior best," Melanthe tried to keep her reply subtle while looking for any flush on Lucario's face. She wasn't disappointed, merely grinning as the jackal swiped her wrist with a furious glare.
Another bout of raucous laughter was heard down the hallway in a more foreign voice. Everyone (Jigglypuff included) turned towards the entrance Falco had come in from to see Snake coming in, laughing almost as hard as DK. DK tried to keep composure but ended up laughing with him, clutching his chest as they both guffawed. Everyone else in the room looked on, before they each found themselves laughing as well (Jigglypuff included).
"Someone, please tell me why we're laughing!" Melanthe begged, trying to stop herself but not quite successful.
"That's, that's among the remarkably worst ideas I've ever seen," Snake declared, kneeling on the ground and trying to control his laughter. Everyone else quieted down almost in unison.
"Whoa." Jigglypuff said. "Seriously?"
"I'm not kidding, that prank is awful," Snake insisted; finally back to full composure (although breathing heavily.)
"Then... why are you having him go through with it?" Melanthe inquired.
"Honestly, I just want him to finally get his ass kicked by one of these new guys," he explained without an ounce of guilt. "I think it'll do the man good."
"Plus it'd just be great to see."
Quiet murmurs, save for Lucario who declared "Justice at last" a little too loudly.
"So, what exactly is his plan?" DK asked.
"I won't spoil the surprise," Snake shook his head. "It'll make the big moment that much better." Not waiting for a response, he picked up his crumpled box and walked out of the room without another word, a grin engraved across his face.
Silence again. Surprising everyone, Jiggly was the one to break it. "Is it wrong…" she hesitated before finishing "that I became quite attracted to that man just now?"
DK shrugged. "For you, not so much," he murmured with an airy grin.
Jiggly giggled. "You'll have to go through me first, honey."
Melanthe eyed them both for a split second, stupefied. Eventually, she just sighed and said "Well this was entertaining. I'm getting something to eat." With another sigh, she walked out of the room. Lucario hesitated a bit then followed. Kirby picked up his tennis ball and bounded up after them, not waiting for the other two. Still grinning, DK looked towards the piano when suddenly he made an odd observation.
"Yeah?" She was still smiling, although she tried to hide it.
"Is it just me, or did Snake leave with his cardboard box twice?"
Jigglypuff stared towards the piano before concluding "Honestly, I don't really care."
DK shrugged, and after a mighty stretch, lifted himself out of his chair, following the others to the cafeteria. Jigglypuff watched him go, still trying not to smile. When she was sure he was gone, she leapt up from the card table and effortlessly glided through the air towards the piano, landing atop it with nary a single midair jump. Trying to be subtle, she looked behind it, but saw nothing of note. Shrugging, she hopped off and decided to join the others as she landed on the ground.
"Hey! Watch out!"
"Oh! Sorry, Olimar."
The next day found everyone in the cafeteria waiting for the grand reveal of Falco's newest prank. More accurately, the welcoming of their new houseguest, but Falco made sure to remind everyone that his prank would all but turn the world's hunger into one of peace. Even more accurately, that was exactly what he claimed it would do, word for word.
Needless to say, even without Snake's spoiler, no one was quite convinced.
"You're full of it."
"Who the hell?" Falco was evidently surprised.
Jigglypuff leapt into the air. "Oh! Sorry again, Olimar."
The tiny space captain nodded sharply and skittered across the room past Falco, unfazed. The avian glared in his direction and shouted "Hey, don't make me put your bed on the top shelf again, small fry!"
DK glared and smacked him on the back of the head. "We really need to enforce a one-prank-per-customer compromise."
Falco rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'm going to get started. When's Victim Number Five due?"
"Thirty minutes," Lucario informed him, pulling a watch out of a purse she was carrying and then putting it back.
"Ooh snap," Falco replied. "I gotta hustle. See you guys later!" Before anyone could object or roll their eyes, he was down the hall and out of sight."
Melanthe looked around again. "So. I guess we wait." Lucario shrugged and nodded.
"I'm bored!" Kirby whined, scowling. "Why do we have to wait if the prank is going to be really dumb?"
"Exactly," Mel told him, suddenly eager. "We wait because the prank is going to be lame."
"That makes no sense!" Kirby argued.
"Come on, kid, you've got to be brighter than you-"
DK interrupted. "In any case, we should welcome our houseguest, especially since he's getting a cold open from Falco there."
Kirby sighed, but smiled a little bit. "Okay, I guess that's fine."
Lucario smiled, putting a hand on his head. In her other hand she reached into her bag and pulled out his tennis ball. Trying not to grimace since she knew where it had been, she handed it to him, saying "Young Kirby, will this make the wait easier?"
He lit up immediately. "You bet it will!" he shouted. "Thanks, Lucario! Although you really shouldn't have picked it up yourself since it's been in my mouth so much." Without another word, he picked it up and tossed it in the air and then leaping up to catch it in his mouth.
"Oh! Well…" despite that, she smiled anyways. She noticed Melanthe looking up at the kid, easily entertained. "Dude, that kid's like a pet dog with his cool tennis ball tricks!"
Lucario bristled. "I object to that!"
Suddenly, they could hear the front door open. Immediately, the whole crew scattered off to see if the guest was there. They arrived in the hallway to see Falco had just stepped in the house, showing everyone his costume.
"Snake was right," Jigglypuff replied breathlessly as she took a seat on a cardboard box, astonished at how bad it truly was.
Falco, donning a fake, long white beard, bushy white eyebrows, a Hawaiian T-shirt, khaki shorts hiked up above his waist and sandals, rested on a cane and beamed. "I know, isn't it awesome?"
No one replied.
"Speechless, I see," Falco deduced. "No matter! I assure you I'll get this guy good."
At that very moment, the doorbell rang. Sighing in relief, Jigglypuff muttered "Thank god, he's early. That saves us a page or two of filler."
"Hide!" Falco hissed, making sure his friends were somewhat out of sight before opening the door. On the other side stood a small, round creature similar to Kirby and Jigglypuff. He donned black boots, an elegantly sketched silver mask and a gorgeous gold-lined sword with branching ridges like an oak tree. His eyes shone yellow as he asked Falco. "Hello, I assume this is the North Wing?"
Kirby gasped loudly, and then covered his mouth.
"No!" Falco barked in his best old-man voice, which was pretty awful. "You damn whippersnappers always come here and prank me with your asking for places that this isn't! Now get off my-"
In one fell swoop, the fake white beard was shorn into bits by the sword, falling into the ground whilst Falco leapt up into the air in shock, nearly clinging to the chandelier. "I would hope next time," the new tenant growled in a deep, steady voice, "that you would provide your guest with a better welcome. Or at least," he swept his sword up to Falco's face, effortlessly removing the fake eyebrows which fell to the ground with the pieces of beard, "a well-planned, clever joke." Not amused, he walked in, taking only his sword in with him as he muttered "plebeian."
Everyone stood around in shock, not bothering to say anything. The silence was broken by a familiar round of raucous laughter that seemed to come from nowhere.
"Who the hell was that?" DK asked, looking around fervently. Suddenly, a cardboard box was flung into the air, Jigglypuff still attached to it, yelping in surprise. Both her and the box fell on the ground softly in front of everyone else.
"Found it," she said dryly.
"That!" Snake barked, still laughing. "That is for setting up one of my own mines in my underwear drawer. You should have seen the look on your face when he cut your beard off!" He walked off, continuing to laugh.
"Come on!" Falco shouted after him, fists balled. "You jack-off! Why, I oughta…" he never figured out what he oughta do, so he just sighed, kicking the cardboard box that the mercenary had left behind and storming off.
Everyone else was still too shocked to laugh. In fact, Kirby looked downright nerved out.
"That- that was, that was…" he stuttered, his voice mangled by the tennis ball still in his mouth.
"A hipster?" Melanthe suggested.
"No, no!" Kirby insisted, spitting the ball out. It rolled a good distance across the room.
"Come on! Only a hipster uses a word like plebeian!"
"No, he's not… that! He's, he's Meta Knight!"
A few murmurs of recognition sounded around the room. "I still say he's a hipster," Melanthe argued.
"Who exactly is Meta Knight?" Lucario asked Kirby, placing a hand on his head again.
"He's… I know him, but he's really… he's kinda scary, but kinda sorta good… I dunno. He just makes me nervous," Kirby admitted, visibly shaking. "Can… can we talk about it later?"
Lucario took the eight hundred year old kid in her arms. "Of course, young Kirby. Come on, let's get you something to eat."
Weakly, he smiled. "That'd be nice."
"Hell yeah it'd be nice," Melanthe agreed with a grin. "Food is always nice!" The three of them took their exit, leaving Jigglypuff and DK in the room together.
"DK?" The ape in question turned towards Jigglypuff, noticing a longing smile on her face. He responded with a warm grin and said "Yes?"
"You can have Snake," she told him with a short, uncharacteristic giggle before hopping out of the room and towards her own. Slightly alarmed, he turned around and called back "I actually didn't really want…" she was gone. "Snake."
Sighing, he kicked the cardboard box again and followed the others in the cafeteria.
A/N So, I'm all comedy all the time right now. I just finished Arrested Development, I've been watching Futurama, my parents are watching this really gnarly show on HBO called Girls (solidly MA rated but really funny) and I've been catching some Louis CK routines as well. Of course, with all this comedy I've been pouring the acquired funny into this work while keeping it fresh and me. I hope you enjoy! Thanks for keeping up with this.
P.S. If you have a favorite line, please let me know! :D