(Author's Note: After doing several serious stories on fanfiction.net, I decided to try something different…humor! It's three in the morning, and I'm on a caffeine high, so I know I won't be winning any prizes for this. I'm not trying to; I just wanna have some fun! For those of you who are following Vengeful Nightmares, don't worry. Believe me, nothing irks me more when someone starts a story and gets bored with it half-way through! I just finished Chapter 19 a few minutes ago, and I promise that I will finish the story itself…I just don't know when. I have to be in the right frame of mind for it, or it's really not that good. Anyway, I hope you get a chuckle out of this one…)
Preschool was not something that Sarah Williams was looking forward to; she had to wear a dress on her first day, her hair was in such a tight ponytail that couldn't close her eyes without feeling the pull at the back of her scalp, and worst of all…she was attending the same school as Jareth King! She had nothing special against him, but he had this annoying habit of bursting into song at inappropriate times, and he also liked to throw crystals at her. And darn it, those things hurt! "It'll thow you your dreamth!" he said. Ohh, sure they would! At any rate, they did put her to sleep rather suddenly!
Still…the Underground did have the best preschools, or so she had been told…
Oh, well…time to go. Touching her vanity mirror, she said, "I wish the goblins would come and take me to school…right now!"
* * *
Young Jareth King was preening in front of the medicine cabinet mirror, standing on an apple crate so that he could see himself. He massaged a generous handful of mousse into his limp, blond hair, and combed it into spikes with his fingers. "Ooh, ooo-ooo-ooooh, Tharah, Tharah, Tharah, I thaw you thtanding theraaaa!" he sang, reaching for the industrial strength hair spray. "Tharah, Tharah, Tharah…pwetty, pwetty Tharah!" he turned this way and that, admiring his reflection, and hopped off the crate. "Today'th my firtht day of thcool!" he continued in the same sing-song voice, "Today I'll thee my Tharah!"
* * *
"Oh, no!" Sarah groaned as Jareth popped into view. Putting his hand (which was sticky from all the hair care products) on her shoulder, he turned into a fluffy gray owlet.
"Peep, peep, cheep!" the bird cooed, snuggling up against her neck.
"Miss Titaniaaaaaaa!" whined Sarah, "Jareth's touching meeeeeeee!"
The fae queen-turned-teacher, who was busy trying to get the upset little fieries to pull themselves together, whirled around and gnashed her pearl-white teeth; eight o'clock in the morning, and already there was trouble. "Jareth! You know better than that!" she grabbed the tiny bird by the side of its head, and Jareth became a boy again…a very uncomfortable boy, for between Titania's thumb and forefinger his little ear was being pinched red.
"Leave the girls alone!" she dragged the mortified boy inside, and the rest of the children reluctantly followed. Most looked sympathetic; they had gotten the ear treatment before. A small dwarf boy was snickering, glad that Jareth King had gotten a taste of his own medicine.
* * *
The first activity of the day was show and tell. 'Little' Ludo got up and showed where one of his baby-fangs had fallen out, and then he proceeded to show the class what the tooth fairy had given him. Holding up a swollen, bandaged finger, he drawled, "Ludo get magic bites to make him smart!" He didn't see why the class was laughing at him, but he assumed that he had told a joke without knowing it, and began to laugh also.
Squire Didymus held up the fluffy white puppy he had received, and piped, "This is my loyal steed, Ambrosious! When we grow up, he and I will roam the countryside fighting evil and writing wrongs andkillingmonstersandgoingincavesand…" he began to cough, cleared his throat, and continued, "The bad thing is he begs for my food, and makes messes on the carpet, which I have to clean! Last night, he buried my Nerf sword!" he sat down, and fixed his shaking puppy with the evil eye. Ambrosious whimpered, and piddled on the floor. "No! No, on the paper, how many times must I tell thee? On the paper!"
"Ahem, moving right along…" Titania hinted, and turned to the small dwarf who sat beside Sarah. "Hoggle?"
"What?" he asked, feigning ignorance.
"It's your turn, Hoggle." she smiled, trying to bolster the shy boy's confidence.
"Uhmmm…I don't wanna." He grumped, crossing his arms and pushing out his lower lip.
"Oh, come now! Surely you must have something to show the class. What's that on your wrist?"
"Nothing!" he cried, hurriedly hiding his hands behind his back.
"Come on, let's see it…"
Hoggle sighed, and looked away as he held out his arm. A pink, translucent bracelet glinted and sparkled, and the class began to laugh at him. "But…It's…It's plastic!" he said defiantly, and everyone grew silent…reverent.
"Sarah gived it to me." he said, lifting his wrist for them to admire his treasure.
"Oooooohhh…plaaaaaassstic!" said everyone but Sarah, who struggled with her giggles as they admired a lump of unremarkable plastic.
A water balloon hit Hoggle in the head, and everyone looked around in search of the culprit…who sat with his hands behind his spiky head and whistled.
* * *
When the recess bell rang, everyone ran out into the playground and began to make the most of their half-hour. The fierey children headed straight for the monkey bars, and those kids who were smart left them severely alone...which was the best course of action. The one that did come over, a dwarf by the name of Moogle, came out of it with the seat of his pants on fire. For a moment, he stood running in place and yelling; then, remembering that it had rained the night before, he dunked his hiney in a convenient puddle. "Aaaaahhhhh…" he sighed. Hoggle pointed at him, and laughed.
Ludo hogged the merry-go-round, and paid for it when the other kids spun it fast and wouldn't let him off. He turned a slight shade of green, and finally managed to blurt out, "Ludo barf!"
The other children ran away, and about five minutes later the goblin janitor came out with a jar of sawdust. "Damn kids…" he muttered, "I tell ya…a waste of yummy sawdust, that's what it is!" Ludo got the rest of the day off, and Didymus gallantly volunteered to guard him on his way home.
Sarah was sitting on the bleachers, watching the boys play in the soccer field. She felt odd, like someone was watching her. She glanced around the playground, but she saw no one taking any particular interest in her. She had just begun to relax when she heard a thump below her, and a grunt of pain. Sarah screamed; Jareth had been sitting beneath her the entire time, and had bumped is head while trying to catch a glimpse of her Sailor Moon panties! "Aaaaaiiiiiii! Miss Titaniaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Jareth's being a peeping tooooooom!"
* * *
Class was back in session, and Miss Titania was teaching her class the ABC's. Jareth was pouting on his chair in the corner, and wondering what hare-brained idiot had thought to invent the dunce cap, and how he could exact his revenge upon him.
"A, B, C, D, E, F, G…" the class sang.
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P…" they continued.
"Q, R, S, T, U, V…"
"Miss Titania!" Hoggle stood on his chair, flapping his hand to get her attention.
The class stopped singing, and turned to stare. Hoggle blushed, and continued to wave his hand, bouncing up and down and crossing his legs.
"What is it, Hoggle?"
"I has to go tinkle!" he cried, holding himself. High pitched giggling filled the room, and Hoggle's lower lip trembled.
"Can it wait?" she groaned, knowing how dangerous it was to leave a room full of four- and five-year olds alone.
"No, it's gonna come out! Please, please, pleeeease," he whined, dangerously close to wetting himself.
"All right," Titania took one of his hands and warned her class to behave, then hurried out the door with him. "This teaching business really is a two person job." She muttered.
Jareth waited until she was gone, and hopped off his stool. "I hate thith plathe!" he declared. Conjuring up a crystal, he tuned in to the 'Home Slopping Network,' a show that told you how to make your own slimy, smelly messes right in the comfort of your own home. Sarah gasped, and stood up.
"I'm gonna tell Miss Titania you got out of your corner and started watching TVeeeeeee!" she warned, shaking a finger in his face.
"Don't care." He stated, piqued by her incessant whining.
"Unless…" she trailed off, and waved the other kids closer.
"Unleth what?" Jareth asked, looking up.
"Unless you let us watch, too!" she finished, backed up by a chorus of agreement.
Jareth got an idea. "I got a much better plan," he said, "Why don't we turn thith plathe into a…a really thtinky plathe!"
The fieries and goblins and dwarves agreed, but they probably would have agreed to anything. Sarah, however, was a little more wary. "What do you mean?" she asked.
"Weeeeell…" Jareth conjured a new crystal, and it surrounded the group. "I think I'd like to make thomething I like to call…The Bog of Eternal Thtench! Anyone who toucheth it will thtink forever, like thith plathe the gwownupth make uth go to! Thith bubble pwotecth uth fwom the thtench."
Sarah, who hated school as much as he did, agreed…on one condition. "First, you have to make a bubble around Hoggle and Miss Titania."
Jareth balked. "I don't like 'em."
"Well, I do…come on, Jarrie…for me?" she stroked his cheek, and he was a goner.
"Very well!" he sent another bubble after their teacher and classmate, and began to cook up a really nasty brew. "Firtht…bit of thith…bit of that…" this went on for a while, and the children, who had locked the door to keep out their teacher, had no idea what he put into it…or how he got the stuff in the first place. What they did know, was that it reeked.
By the end of the day, the school and playground were submerged under a pool of viscous, brown, noisy, disgusting and certainly permanent sludge. The children and their teacher, each now in their own protective bubbles, stood at the edge of the Bog in various stages of disgust. Hoggle had to admire Jareth's handiwork, but the smell! He left without saying goodbye to Sarah, holding his nose and whining.
"Jareth…do you have any idea what you've done? You've destroyed the entire school!" Titania peeped, covering her sensitive nose with a lace handkerchief. Jareth only smiled, and offered Sarah his arm.
"Shall we?" he asked, for the first time without a lisp.
"I'd be delighted!" Sarah took his arm, and they headed off in the direction of his castle for milk and cookies. "See you tomorrow, Miss Titania!" Sarah called back to the fae who, upon hearing that, collapsed at the bank of the Bog in hysterics.