SUMMARY: Terezi and Nepeta play matchmaker, using Nepeta's shipping wall as a sort of reference point. Hilarity and carnage ensue.
So! Here it is, a new fic! And a Homestuck one. Romance/Humour, if you look. Gonna be quite the blast, eh? So, enjoy! This takes place before Sgurb, but after Terezi is blinded.
DISCLAIMER: I'm not nearly smart enough to have created something like Homestuck-that legend is Andrew Hussie. This fic, though, is 100% mine, so don't pass it off as your own. Don't share it at all without my permission, which I probably won't give.
I am TEREZI PYROPE and I was roleplaying at my good friend Nepeta's cave. I was, that is, until I stumbled upon a large, brightly colored wall. With a sniff, I was assailed by a variety of delicious smells, including R3D. Delicious, delicious R3D.
Nepeta was coming up behind me, saying "Terezi, why'd you stop-Oh! That's private!" She squeaked in alarm when she realized what I was looking at.
"What is it?" I asked. Despite my incredible sense of taste and smell, the object was simply too large and too colorful to really discern it quickly.
Nepeta sighed, accepting defeat. "It's my...shipping wall." She admitted, somewhat bashful. That explained all the red. Hearts. The white were the diamonds. "It's only for redrom, though. Blackrom is too angry to put up there."
After a minute or two of sniffing, I managed to discern most of it. It was divided in two, matespirits on one side, moirails on the other. I could smell Nepeta and Equius' square in the moirail side. It was in a big,red circle, and the word DURRR was written under it. I chuckled a bit as I looked at the rest, but had to resist the urge to throw up when I saw-or rather, smelt, the one detailing me and Gamzee. I had to admit with what she had written there. Then, two above it, her and Karkat. 'Oh yesss' was written under it. I blinked. She wanted a matespiritship with Karkat? I was a bit, well, jealous, due to my own feelings about Karkat, but that's a story for another time. Next to it, though, I could agree with the thing written there. Karkat and Vriska. Yes. Very, very, 'oh noooooo'.
Suddenly, an idea popped into my head. I grinned deviously as it formulated into a plot. A rather diabolical one, if I do say so myself. Vriska would be proud.
Not that I necessarily wanted her to be. Nepeta noticed my grin and shifted nervously. "You aren't going to tell anyone, are you?" She whispered, a tone of desperation in her voice. She loved this wall.
"No no no no. I just have an idea. For a game." I answered, still grinning like a lunatic. Nepeta still seemed confused and still somewhat worried, so I explained. Her face went from pleading to joyous at the end of the explanation.
"Oh, that would be so much fun! We should really do that! Who should we start with?" She jumped up and down in her excitement.
"I have an idea..." I started, my eyes moving, not that it really helped any, to one in the bottom left hand corner of the matespirits side. Sollux and Vriska. H3H3H3H3H3H3.
I am SOLLUX CAPTOR, and I really hate it when my "friends" bother me while I'm hacki-or rather, working. Which is what they did. God, they're so annoying.
GallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
GC: H3Y SOLLUX
TA: what do you want, tz
TA: iim iin the miiddle of 2omethiing here
GC: F1N3 1LL M4K3 1T QU1CK
GC: COM3 TO N3P3T4'S
TA: iim not goiing two that crazy-a22 hiive
TA: ii dont want two know what 2he doe2 there
TA: 2he dii2turbs me enough duriing our chat2
TA: whiich there are preciiou2 few of
GC: TOO B4D
GC: YOUR3 COM1NG
GC: 1F YOU DONT
GC: YOULL MAK3 H3R CRY
TA: not my problem
GC: DONT M4K3 M3 COM3 OV3R TH3R3
TA: what are you going two do
TA: hiit me wiith your stiick?
GC: 1 D1DNT W4NT 1T TO COM3 TO TH1S
GC: BUT YOU L34V3 M3 W1TH NO CHO1C3
GC: 1LL G3T K4RK4T
TA: becau2e iim scared of that douche
TA: ii doubt he wiill lii2ten two you anyway2
GC: H3 W1LL
GC: 1 H4V3 MY WAYS
TA: that2 2omewhat omiinou2
TA: iif ii dont come wiill you keep on botheriing me
GC: 4ND SO WILL N3P3TA
TA: dont have much of a choiice, do ii?
TA: 2top 2miiliing
TA: iit2 2omewhat dii2turbiing
twinArmageddons [TA] has ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
GC: 1 WOND3R HOW N3P3T4S DO1NG W1TH VR1SK4
I am NEPETA LEIJON, and I am playing a fun game with my friend, Terezi. We're matching up our friends using my shipping grid.
It's so fun! Terezi is getting Sollux to come over, and you're going to try to convince Vriska to come too, so we can pair them up! It'll be so much fun!
arsenicCatnip [AC] has begun trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
AC: :33- *ac pads up to ag and runs around her, mewing*
AG: *Marquise Spinnerette Mindfang looks at the tiny cat.*
AG: *And reaches toward her 8oot.*
AG: *For her knife. In case it wasn't clear.*
AC: :33- noooooo
AG: Why not?
AC: :33- dont play as mindfang
AC: :33- mindfang is mean
AG: She isn't mean. She just isn't prone to diplomacy.
AG: What's wrong with that?
AC: :33- whats wrong is that she will kill my purr little kitty
AG: No. Not necessarily.
AG: She may a8scond. Or survive. Or dodge.
AG: If she's lucky.
AG: 8ut I've got all the luck!
AC: :33- noooooooo
AG: Okay. Fine.
AG: 8ut only 8ecause you said that with 8 o's.
AG: So, what'd you come to talk a8out?
AC: :33- what makes you think i came to talk
AG: You don't really like rp'ing with me. Can't really 8lame you, with all the maiming I've done.
AC: :33- *sigh* i came because i want you to come to my hive
AC: :33- im telling the truth
AG: ...Hmmmmmmmm. Should I come?
AG: Fine, I'll come. I don't get an offer like this every day.
AG: And 8esides, I'll be able to finally check out your hive.
AC: :33- yay!
arsenicCatnip [AC] has ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
AG: I wonder what she's up to...
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
AC: :33- opurration sollux/vriskurs is a go
GC: 1 GOT SOLLUX TO COM3
GC: TOOK 4 B1T OF SW33T T4LK1NG
GC: BUT H3S COM1NG
AC: :33- same with vriskurs
AC: :33- they'll be such a cute couple!
arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
I am SOLLUX CAPTOR, and by this point I suspected something was up. I was the only one in the goddamn cave. Either than Nepeta's creepy two-mouthed lusus, which was curled up, doing absolutely nothing. Lousy good for nothing piece of shit. I didn't even know why I dragged myself over here. A waste of time, if you ask me, but meh. You didn't, so fuck off.
Anyways, completely deserted. Not a flipping troll in sight.
And I was right. It was disturbing. Animal pelts lining the place, and disturbing as fucking hell cave paintings. Painted in blood. I was contemplating leaving, when a voice sounded behind me.
"What are you doing here?" A scathing voice asked from behind. I whirled around. Vriska. This day keeps on getting better and better.
"II could ask you the same thiing." I snapped. I have absolutely no patience for huge bitches, so it should follow that I have even less patience for their freaking queen.
"Straight to the point, eh? Nepeta asked me to come." She responded. "Now answer my question."
"TZ asked me to come. Frankly, II have no iidea why. Iit's diisturbiing here." I admitted, looking around at the gristly cave.
"Terezi? So she's involved in all this..."
"Iin all what?" I asked. I still hadn't forgiven her for her involvement in Aradia's death. My own involvement made me want to kill her. Then myself.
"Whatever this is." She waved her hands around in an abstract manner. "Nepeta doesn't talk to me much. Thinks I'm too 'violent'." She scoffed, as if it were a hard thing to believe. "They didn't just call us both here to say hi."
"You thiink so?" I muttered, glancing around. Goddamnit, her paranoia was rubbing off on me.
"Yes. You should too." She said, walking inside the cave. "Paranoia stops you from lowering your guard." She winked at me. "Which seems pretty low a lot of the time."
"Fuck off, you crazy biitch. II have biigger problems than whiich biitch is craziier than the other. Anyways, II already knew the answer." I spat. I was wanting to kill her more with each passing second.
"Hm." She grunted, walking further into the cave.
"Where are you goiing?" I asked, walking after her. Even though I hated her, I couldn't really leave her in this freaking corpse yard. Who knew what half-undead blood beasts lay in wait?
She turned around. "Oh, wanting to protect me?" She teased. My left eye twitched, and one of the animal skins in the corner raised up, a result of my psychic abilities. "My my, someone's got a temper issue!" She noted." I twitched again. The skin jerked towards her. Dry blood came off of it in flakes. "Jeeeeeeeez. No need to get all angry. I'm exploring, dumbass."
I cursed silently and threw it down as she turned around and continued on her way. Freaking mind control abilities. What a fucking bitch.
After some wandering around aimlessly, we stumbled upon another room. One of its walls was covered in squares. It was all divided in two. Vriska walked up to it and investigated it for a second. Then she laughed. "It's a shipping wall!"
"What?" I asked curiously, walking up to investigate. Whoop de do, it was. On one side there was moirails. On the other, matespirits. I looked at one that seemed to have me in it. It did. A moirallegiance. With Aradia. I resisted the urge to tear Vriska limb from limb.
"Oh, look at this one!" She was laughing, pointing at one on the matespirit side. I looked up at it. Karkat and Nepeta. It had 'oh yesssssssss' scrawled under it. I laughed too. Crazy stalker chick loves Karkat?
"Oh man, Ii'm telliing Karkat thiis." I was laughing so hard I was freaking crying. I pulled out my phone and trolled him.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TA: dude you gotta see thii2
CG: SEE WHAT.
CG: GODDAMNIT SOLLUX, THIS ISN'T A FREE PASS TO SEND ME FUCKING CODE. SOME OF THIS CRAP PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN WORK.
I ignored him, and snapped a picture of the square, then sent it to him.
A second later, he replied.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
CG: IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE ME
CG: AND NEPETA
TA: ye2 dude iim at nepeta2
TA: long 2tory iil tell you iit later
TA: 2he has a 2hiippiing wall
TA: wiith thii2 on iit
CG: HOLY FUCK
CG: SHE LOVES ME?
CG: OH GOD. OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.
CG: THIS IS A FUCKING MONSTROSITY
CG: I'M DELETING IT.
CG: THEN DEFRAG MY COMPUTER. THIS IS VILE. ABSOLUTELY VILE.
CG: I'M LOCKING MY DOOR. SHE CAN'T GET IN. OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
CG: THIS IS A NEW LOW FOR YOU SOLLUX
CG: SENDING THIS DEMONSPAWN TO ME?
CG: FUCK YOU MAN. FUCK YOU UP YOUR STUPID MULTICOLORED EYES WITH MY FUCKING SICKLE. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
twinArmageddons [TA] has ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
CG: I HATE YOU SO MUCH. MY HATE FOR YOU CANNOT BE DESCRIBED WITH WORDS, ONLY WITH MY SICKLE.
I laughed. He was so easy to piss off. Vriska, meanwhile was looking at the rest of the pairings. "Ewwwwwwww." She muttered when she saw one that said Tavros and Vriska. I agreed. She'd probably kill him before that ever happened.
Then she saw another one, and furrowed her brow. "What iis iit?" I asked, looking at what she was looking at.
Sollux and Vriska.
It took us both about 2 seconds before we realized what happened.
"Those crazy-ass broads!" I yelled. "What the fuck are they doiing, tryiing to paiir us up?
No way iin a miilliion years, you biitches!"
Vriska had similar feelings, but she expressed them with less swearing. "Really? Really? Me? Me and him? No." She made a retching motion. "The very prospect is making me sick. Me. With a piss-blood?"
I was too enraged at the two bitches to realize what she was saying.
Then there was a sigh. Not from us. A grate plopped down from the roof, and Terezi and Nepeta hopped down. Nepeta looked like she had been crying. Terezi looked dissapointed.
"What were you thinking?" I screamed at them in my rage.
"It was worth a try." Terezi shrugged.
Nepeta whimpered. "Why'd you tell Karcat?" She said quietly.
That's why. I felt a twinge of sympathy for her. "He has a riight to know." I replied. "Iif he's ever goiing to be your matespiiriit, he'll have to know fiirst."
She nodded slightly.
Terezi scoffed. "What were we thinking? Vriska would never kiss you anyways, Sollux." That was true, fortunately.
Vriska scowled. "Yeah? You think so?"
Terezi nodded. "I know so. Like you said, you with a piss-blood? You'd never kiss one so below you on the Hemospectrum."
Vriska glanced at me, then at Terezi. "Yeah? You're wrong." She hissed. Then she kissed me.
That was probably the worst moment in my life. Yeah, she wasn't a half-bad kisser, but the fact that it was her. Just...no. Don't want to talk about it. I stumbled back when she was done. I promptly retched on the ground, then raised my head to the sky and screamed in my absolute rage. I was going to kill her.
But alas, she absconded, and I had to stay behind to clean up the mess I made.
Including the hole in the roof.
OPERATION: SOLLUX AND VRISKA
NOTES: Don't get Sollux pissed off. He tends to shoot lasers from his eyes and destroy important things.
So, the first chapter is done! Hope you enjoyed! This will probably be updated often. Possibly tomorrow, once I find a good pairing idea. The setting will fluctuate wildly, from Alternia to the veil.
BTW: Goddamnit, can't even make a sideways V, i guess. What's its proper name? Who cares.
Remember, R and R!