Do you wanna know? I am a Rock.
It all started with a pair of panties.
Naruto did not know the specifics of how he'd got into a fight to the death with Lee, but one second Kiba was declaring his newest conquest (as evidenced by pilfered underwear apparently) and the next a drunken Lee was blowing a hole through the wall of Naruto's apartment slurring proclamations of youth and honor.
Apparently, as Naruto and the shinobi gathered in his apartment soon figured out, the dainty, pale pink, lacey, bikini style undergarment was the property of Sakura Haruno whose apartment Kiba Inuzuka burglarized as an ill planned prank. Naruto had only a second to wonder exactly how Lee knew that the pair of panties belonged to his teammate before utter chaos erupted. Shinobi of the original rookie nine flew in every direction, a little desperate to avoid Lee's drunken power. The result was a newly minted hole in the opposite side of his apartment and splintered furniture upon which his friends had once been seated.
When the dust settled Naruto was the only one still in the dwelling besides the green fountain of youth himself. The Jinchurikki managed by the skin of his teeth to save the few important items he kept in his home: the plant he kept on the window seal of the living room, gama-chan the small frong wallet that was a gift from the long dead Sarutobi-jiji, and his ratty old walrus sleeping cap that carefully concealed the only photo that was taken of the younger Team 7. The rest of his apartment was unsalvageable, simply a pile of rubble surrounded by three and a half walls, two of which had people shaped holes in them. For once Naruto was glad he lived on the top floor of the building even though he never got any hot water and the roof leaked. At least being on the top floor had prevented the entire building from collapsing under Lee's drunken wrath.
As it was Lee was standing before him red faced and the dust swirling around his head made it seem like steam was coming from the chakra challenged shinobi's ears. The green spandex suit the boy wore stretched under bulging muscles as Lee struck his inverted good guy pose. Instead of a peace sign his index finger pointed straight at Naruto where the panties, somehow surviving the destruction, floated down slowly and landed with a small 'poof' on the blonde shinobi's head. 'Ah crap.'
"So it was you! You fiend Naruto! I never expected you would drop to levels of unyouthfulness so low that you would break into my sweet flower's home and steal the things most private to her!" Lee's finger quivered in rage as he slurred his words and the only warning the blonde got of an impending attack was the slight sway of the green beast's body before Lee flickered in front of Naruto. It took all of the jinchuuriki's speed to avoid the fist that came through the spot of air his head once resided. Naruto had to admit he was alarmed. He knew exactly what state his friend was in and the damage he'd already done was nothing on the damage he could potentially do. In retrospect a demolished apartment was far more preferable than a bashed in skull. This Lee was not to be taken lightly and Naruto knew from personal experienced that reason mattered little in this situation. Naruto could not pull his punches or Lee's strength would kick him so far out of Konoha's walls he would count as a missing nin.
"Woah Woah Lee!" Naruto would have held his hands up were they not holding precious cargo. He would also get rid of the underwear. The lacey clothe was certainly doing little to help his case. "You've got it wrong! I'm not the one who stole Sakura's underwear! She'd kill me herself! Do you even know how hard she punches? Fuck Lee, I'm stupid not suicidal!" Naruto's voice was slightly panicked. He needed to get out of what was left of his apartment before Lee took the whole building down.
The enraged shinobi solved Naruto's dilemma with a rough punch to the jinchurikki's unprotected stomach sending Naruto flying halfway across Konoha. Naruto knew the boy wouldn't be deterred by the distance and quickly got to his feet. The villagers below stared up at him in silence and Naruto had to admit it must be strange to see someone they hated for so long crash into a building at high speeds only to rise from his crater carrying a plant and a sleeping cap all while a pair of lacey underwear still rested unassumingly on his blonde spiky hair. With a grumble Naruto flashed stepped to wear he knew the rest of his comrades would be after the explosion in his apartment. The jinchuuriki merely dumped his cargo into the slightly startled Shikamaru's hands and ripped the panties off his head before turning to wear Lee's next attack was coming from at ultrasonic speeds. He barely dodged with his life.
"Liar! Naruto come back here!"
"Yeah right! Fuck Lee you almost took my head off. Who the hell gave you alcohol anyway?" Naruto dodged a fist and then a green clad knee meant to break his nose.
"Naruto, your unyouthfulness knows no bounds! You dare lie to me when the evidence was clearly lying on your head?" Another kick and then Lee aimed another punch at the Jinchuuriki's stomach. Behind him Naruto felt the chakra signatures of Neji and Tenten arrive on the scene but with a quick motion of his hand Naruto managed to stall the Hyuuga's attack on his teammate while simultaneously blocking a roundhouse kick from Lee. This mess would only grow if Neji interfered even if his intentions were good. The ache that raced through his arm told Naruto that maybe it was best to dodge his friend's attacks from now on.
"Lee didn't you see them before! Kiba was holding them not . . ." Whatever Naruto was going to say as Lee's punch landed right against his jaw sending the blonde shinobi careening into yet another building.
"And now you blame your friends rather than taking responsibility for you own crimes. You are not the man I've come to know and cherish! This must be dealt with." Naruto pulled himself off of splintered wood with a groan and made a desperate jump to avoid the elbow aimed for his head. "I will curb this unyoutfulness right now!" Lee's face flickered in front of Naruto's shocked one. 'Shit he got faster. Did he just open a gate? Now I definitely can't hold back.'
Lee's body was steaming in rage. The situation was getting bleaker and bleaker. Usually it took Kakashi and Gai as a team to settle Lee down when he got drunk. At least, they were the only two who could do it without causing the fastest of the Rookie Twelve blunt force trauma to the head, but both Jounin were out of the village on a mission. The solution to this problem was completely up to Naruto. He needed to settle his friend down before the ANBU decided it was necessary to get involved. With a flicker Naruto jumped behind his friend intent on knocking him unconscious so he could sleep it off, but it seemed Lee was faster and blocked the attack causing Naruto to jump away at the last second. He landed on a building that a whimpering Kiba was standing upon. Sasuke's menacing presence was close by no doubt keeping the dog boy from bolting and preventing what promised to be some very painful and interesting torture once Sakura learned he'd burglarized her apartment.
'Hah! I knew bringing Sasuke back kicking and screaming would have its perks even if he is a sadistic bastard.' With a smirk Naruto focused once more on his drunken comrade who for once wasn't in the midst of another deadly attack but standing with an enraged look upon his face.
"So you would stoop so low as to attack your own teammate? What has happened to you my friend? Have you fallen so far? I would not follow a Hokage such as that. Repent of your ways before it is too late!"
Something inside Naruto cracked then and for a moment time stopped. After everything he'd done to prove himself, after everything he'd done for his friends and his family Lee's words should have bordered on ridiculous if not largely hypocritical, but such wounds took longer than others to heal. Naruto still wasn't over the loneliness and desperation he felt as a child and Lee drunk or not had no right to judge him for something he didn't do. It was all the blonde could do to hold back the malevolent chakra that threatened to explode from his body in anger. Around him Naruto felt his friends tense. Whether they were preparing to hold him back from making Lee a bloody spot on the streets of Konoha or offended by the green beast's words Naruto did not know and he wouldn't give them time to act. This huge misunderstanding bordered on alarming and humorous, but now it was personal. Lee might be drunk and this whole thing might be a crazy situation, but Naruto could not allow someone to question his resolve for the dream he'd been working towards since infancy.
Ignoring his friends' alarmed cries Naruto lunged at Lee with a snarl. The bowl haired boy stiffened in alarm and prepared for the attack but that wasn't Naruto's intention. Seconds before his punch could reach Lee's head Naruto flickered behind the boy and placed a swift chop against the back of Lee's neck. The boy went down instantly, not unconscious, but heavily dazed. The hit wasn't enough, would never be enough, to truly drop Lee, but it was enough to get his attention even if it made the boy a giggled mass of goo at his feet. Coming to a stop with a sigh Naruto grabbed onto the neck of Lee's jumpsuit and heaved the boy up to eye level. Lee merely gave a low burp that smelled like recycled sake and a delusional giggle. It was a far cry from the warrior from seconds before.
The feel of his hand smacking against Lee's face gave Naruto a sick sense of satisfaction that he refused to acknowledge. Instead he watched as sobriety slowly drifted into his friend's dazed eyes. From over Lee's mussed black hair Naruto saw the rest of the Rookie Twelve sans Sakura coming closer. Sasuke was dragging a hysterical Kiba while Shikamaru still kept a tight hold on the items Naruto entrusted to him. Sai landed with a low whistle spilling forth from his lips while the rest of his friends had their own impressed reactions. Naruto thought he even saw Chouji clapping around his ever present potato chip bag. If the situation weren't so insane Naruto would congratulate himself. He'd just neutralized a drunken Lee, a task that took at least two Jounin to accomplish if not the entirety of the Rookie twelve.
Naruto felt "it" come upon him. "It" was something he told himself that no situation would ever call for. He'd been on the receiving end of far too many to place another person in that damning position, but the remains of his apartment and the debasement of his friend's and his own honor pushed Naruto over the edge. This wasn't something his normally laid back attitude could handle. A Sakura rant was needed right now and he was going to give it. Inwardly the blonde wondered if Hell had frozen over or if he really was hearing Jiraiya's insane giggles of delight from the afterlife in his head. Looking back down at his friend Naruto frowned at the completely sober yet confused eyes that stared back at him. Naruto's voice was low and angry as he spoke.
"You owe the apartment manager that cost of repairs for completely destroying my apartment as well as one shop owner in district 4 for a destroyed roof and a residential complex owner in district 3 for three apartments from where you HIT. ME. THROUGH. THEM." Lee flinched as awareness came back to him, but Naruto wasn't going to give him any solace. "Then you owe Sakura an apology for bringing her name into such a shameful, heinous situation. Finally you owe me an apology for trying to kill me, drunk or not, without any evidence of whether I'd committed a crime or not. The next time you decide to get drunk, lay ruin to half of Konoha, and falsely accuse one of your best friends of doing something as stupid as stealing the strongest kunoichi in the village save Tsunade's underwear come to me first and I'll be sure to show you just how quickly I can break your damn twinkling teeth in." With a grunt Naruto threw the shamed face Lee into Neji's arms before the spandex clad boy could even begin to speak and turned to the cowering Kiba who still had the smirking Sasuke Uchiha at his back.
"And you Kiba. . .well for starters your apology will include the first two months rent on the new apartment I seem to be needing. " Kiba whimpered at the sadistic smirk that spread upon Naruto's lips. "Then perhaps I think it might be appropriate to speak to baa-chan about a month of gate duty followed by a month of D ranked missions atop your regular missions to . . .let's say. . .reaffirm your knowledge of the basics like successful infiltration with the shinobi decency not to brag about a mission you have obviously NOT FINISHED AND WILL NOT SUCCEED IN! That should be fun no?" Naruto's eyes gleamed maliciously and every one of his friends save Sasuke shivered. "As for the rest, well, I think I'll allow Sakura the honor when she finds out that you broke into her apartment, stole her underwear, drug her name through the mud, and claimed her as your latest conquest. Which do you think will hurt worse Kiba? Her ripping off your left ball for stealing her underwear or her ripping off your right ball for claiming you had sex with her?" The tears were now streaming from the dog boy's eyes and even the friends around the two who were ashamed of his actions winced in sympathy. Naruto had sentenced Kiba to the worse punishment for the right crimes because while Lee's actions could be excused by drunkenness, Kiba's were purely infantile and bordering on maliciousness. He deserved his punishment.
Looking at his longtime friend as he dropped to his knees in fear of what was to come Naruto wished he could feel the least bit of sympathy, but it had crumbled like the last wall of the apartment he'd lived in since he was a toddler. With a small shake of his head the blonde turned to Sasuke.
"Hey! Hey! Sasuke!" Naruto's grin was once more fox like. "I need a place to stay. Can I borrow your couch for a while?" Sasuke said nothing in reply. He merely turned away from the gathered shinobi and looked towards the shambles that was Naruto's apartment. It was obvious nothing could be salvaged.
"Hn." And with that Sasuke flickered away presumably back to the Uchiha district. Naruto was pretty sure that in Sasuke language that "Hn." Meant "Yes, idiot" so the blonde smiled wide and grabbed his precious items from Shikamaru before following his teammate.
First though, Naruto had to stop by the hospital. He was really curious now about how Lee knew what Sakura's underwear looked like.
-AN: Yet again I am writing something that has nothing to do with my current long running Digimon fic, but this one popped into my head and I felt like writing it down. This fic quickly became way longer than intended but I hope you all like it. Humor is certainly not my specialty, but I like what the final product is. Reviews are appreciated!
Until next time!