The line that we were given to mull over from episode four - "Your Glee club saved my kids life" - sparked many ideas and concerns and stories like this. I wasn't going to join the same path but this is so close to my heart and my life that I had to. Plus, all my regular readers know writing is my therapy and to write about something close to me is to help myself heal.
The fact that something like this could have been canon breaks my heart.
Suicide trigger warnings. Be careful, please.
It had all been an accident and that was probably worse than anything. Worse than knowing, worse than asking outright, worse than even a hunch because accidental meant Blaine hadn't known, not at all and that was the worst.
Kurt's dorm room, sprawled on his bed together, working on homework. Light brushes of skin that were met with blushes and glances through lowered eyelashes but not pulling away because they were boyfriends now and they could do this now. Boyfriends of a few days mind, so everything was innocent and nothing was taken for granted.
Until it all fell to pieces, that was.
"Crap, I forgot to tell Wes what our Math homework was," Blaine suddenly blurted out, making Kurt jump a little. "And I left my phone on charge in my dorm."
Without looking up Kurt fumbled around next to him and dropped his own phone next to Blaine. "Use mine, it's fine," he said absently, turning the page in his textbook and punching in his access code, still without taking his attention from the textbook.
Blaine brushed his hand against Kurt's as he reached for the phone, smiling when it finally elicited attention. "Thanks," he said softly and picked it up, opening to Kurt's call log. Wes had called Kurt that morning when Blaine's phone was charging (the thing didn't have a damn battery life to stand on) to ask for the homework assignments while he was on a college tour and it was easy enough to locate his name - right at the top - and call. He spoke softly and quickly, not wanting to distract Kurt too much and hung up, about to close the application and return to his studying or possibly convincing Kurt to take a break and cuddle with him for a little while.
And then he saw it.
Three entries under Wes's number - right below Blaine(17) and Dad(28) - was a name Blaine didn't recognize.
It was completely rational that the first thought to spike through Blaine's mind was of another guy. He trusted his boyfriend but they had been together for only a few days and Kurt had called this Trevor guy eighty nine times over who knows how long a period of time. Kurt would never cheat and Blaine would never accuse him of it but Kurt being involved with another guy before he was with Blaine was the only logical explain.
He was Kurt's self-confessed first boyfriend - in fact, it had been one of Kurt's biggest fears that he wouldn't be enough for Blaine with his lack of experience. Trevor was high on Kurt's recently called list and the last call was five days ago at four fifteen in the morning. And Trevor wasn't necessarily a person but...
Suddenly Blaine was desperately hoping for another guy.
"Kurt," he asked, his voice too loud to his ears even though he had pitched it low. "Who's Trevor?"
Kurt froze, paled, opened his mouth to emit nothing but silence.
Blaine began to cry.
He wasn't even aware of it at first, too caught up in dropping the phone and curling himself up as close to his boyfriend as possible, cupping Kurt's beautiful face in his hands and spilling words out, terms of endearment, promises, reassurances, pleading and begging and praying until Kurt finally silenced him, pulling him close and pressing their cheeks together where their tears mingled.
When he finally calmed himself down, Kurt was just getting worked up and Blaine absolutely broke when he finally took in the words that he was whispering under his breath - sorry, I'm so sorry, never should have, please don't leave me-
"Kurt," he said quickly, words tripping over themselves but hopefully making sense, "Kurt, god, no, I'm not going to leave you, not ever, not for something like this. Please, don't, I just freaked out but I'm okay, I'm fine, I'm not mad or angry or whatever you think -" and god, Kurt wasn't even breathing now and that wasn't even close to okay. "Hey hey hey, come on," he said as soothingly as possible, knowing he needed to be the voice of comfort right now. "I need you to breathe, Kurt. Come on, it's okay, everything's going to be fine, just breathe for me, please."
Kurt slowly came down, Blaine's quiet assurances guiding him back until he was breathing shakily, head buried against Blaine's chest and whole body trembling as if he was waiting for some kind of punishment to befall him.
And Blaine realized.
It wasn't a question but Kurt nodded anyway. "I couldn't… I needed -"
"Shh." Blaine attempted to pull him closer, realized it wasn't possible without crushing Kurt's lungs and did so anyway. "Can I - can you tell me?"
There was a long silence and Blaine was about to take it back and tell Kurt it was fine, that they didn't have to talk about it, when Kurt took in a shaky breath. "It's not s-suicide every time," he said, managing to completely take away Blaine's breath in one go because every time didn't mean all the time which meant sometimes… "Sometimes I just need to talk. Sometimes I just need to let them talk. And then other times I'll have horrible nightmares and freak out and just need someone."
"And the other times?"
More silence. "Blaine," Kurt finally whispered, his voice aching. "God, it's not that I want to die but I get so tired, so sick of trying to do everything I'm meant to and not let things get to me and - I don't want to die but sometimes I don't want to live."
Blaine resisted the near-hysterical urge to start singing Queen and smoothed a hand over Kurt's back again, feeling the trembling subside a little. "Eighty nine," he whispered instead and Kurt choked out a little sob into his chest. "And you're still here." Blaine fought back the realization that any one of those times, Kurt could have chosen not to call the hotline and instead gone and - "You are the bravest person I've ever met."
"Wh-what?" Kurt stammered, shocked. "That's not brave."
"Eighty nine times, Kurt, when you were feeling so down or upset that you easily could have ended everything, you picked up that phone and called someone. You needed help and you got it and it didn't matter that you didn't know who was on the other end, you just kept calling because you needed it and you were strong enough to do that above what you really wanted." Blaine kissed his forehead gently and Kurt's arms wound tighter around his waist. "I'm proud of you."
Kurt exhaled shakily. "It helped," he admitted. "So, so much, more than I thought it would. And it's not that I couldn't talk to you and you helped me too, Blaine, more than anybody else I know has. But calling that number gave me someone who was trained to help, someone who could get help to me if anything happened, someone who had no strings attached and would just listen or talk or give me whatever I needed in that time."
"I am so glad you called it."
"You're not mad that I didn't tell you?"
Blaine sighed. "Not mad, of course not. I wish I had known but I completely understand why you didn't tell me. I just - I'm struggling with the fact that I've known you for so long now and I - I never picked up on it. I never realized how much you were hurting and I'm mad at myself for not seeing it."
"You weren't meant to," Kurt said, his voice small and almost scared. "I'm brilliant at hiding things when I want to and I really didn't want anybody to know. I figured I could handle it but then it all got very bad very fast and I was scared… I still am, scared of myself and my thoughts and what might happen if I don't get to a phone in time or decide I'm not going to call. And I wanted to tell you but I'd kept it hidden for so long and I just didn't know how or if you'd change the way you saw me because of this."
Blaine was silent, trying to find the words. "You're not alone," he said finally. "Not anymore, and you never will be again. I'm not saying you have to stop calling the hotline and start telling me instead but if you want to talk about it to me, you can. Please do. And the only way I see you differently now is seeing how strongyou really are and remembering that maybe I need to dig under the surface a little to find out what's going on."
"You shouldn't have to -"
"There's no should or shouldn't about it," Blaine said firmly. "Society labels us enough, don't let any social norms dictate anything about us. I care about you somuch, Kurt and if that means I have to work a bit harder to make you happy then I will. Because this isn't your fault and someday you'll get to the point where you don't need to call that number anymore. And until you get there - and beyond that, too - I'll be right here with you. I promise."
With a whimper, Kurt relaxed into his arms and Blaine held him, stroking his hair and silently making it clear that it was okay, he was okay and Blaine still cared about him just as much as before, maybe even more so now. And when Kurt finally looked up, Blaine wiped away the last of the tears and leant in to kiss him gently because now more than ever, Kurt needed to know he was loved.
If you are in danger, please contact a hotline near you. They are set up to help you feel safe and make sure you don't make a potentially fatal decision which nobody ever wants. Please, if you are at risk, save the number in your phone (I have my local numbers in mine) and do not hesitate to call if you need to.