Disclaimer: LOTR is n-not mine… *sobs* Do you know how hard it is to say that!?

A/N This is a sort of twisted version of 'Protectors of the Plot Continuum'. This isn't actually a story, but until I have time to find a story about a girl in M-E who *doesn't* fall in love with a member of the fellowship, or join it, or have magical powers, or anything that disrupts the canon. *I* like it… but the almighty reviewers will decide…



"Mary?" asked a tall slender teen with long blonde immaculate hair, perfect teeth, a good sense of humour, three degrees in Language, Law and Physics respectively, and an all round kick-ass persona.

"Yah Sue?" replied an equally perfect teen with an auburn bob, and a degree in both Language and Law. Those two were compulsory for this job.

"We have another one. A 'Purist', of all the nerve!"

"Like, ohmygod, a 'Purist'! That's just like, stupid!" their mouths both formed identical perfect 'o's of indignance.

"Like, I know! Faeries, elves, or all-powerful like, witchy-things this time?" asked Sue, pressing random lilac sparkly and faux-fur buttons.

"Oh, like, what are those like, kick-ass god things?" asked Mary in excitement.

"Like, the *super* kick-ass god things!? Good idea!" replied Sue and fanned her face with her hands. Mary pressed one of the buttons (Pink sparkly faux-fur this time) and a portal opened up they stepped through, and immediately dropped into M-E just outside of Rivendell.

"Girl, you look so kewl!" said Mary.

"Like, ditto!" they had remained exactly the same except for a new costume, weapons, magical powers, and, obviously, cool ears.

"So, like, what exactly are we looking for?" asked Mary.

"Ummm… black hair, blue eyes, most *DEF.* not joining the fellowship, isn't going to even *lust* over one, and most definitely doesn't have magic powers, sing, or anything!" said Sue with a look of utter distaste on her face. At this, Mary's matched it.

"So, like, what's she writing a story about?" asked Mary incredulously.

"Like, something to do with being an elf from Mirkwood who came with the Prince, who has an important and life-changing message for Elrond. I didn't do more research than that, but she even remembers to mention this was overshadowed by the quest for purposes of the plot, and *USES OLD ENGLISH!!!*,"

"SHE IS GOING TO DIE!!! NEVER, EVER, USE OLD ENGLISH!!!!" screamed Mary, and using their amazing magical powers, transported themselves to The Council.

"Elrond! My main man!" said Sue upon seeing him.

"L-like, OHMYGOD!! LEGGY!"

"What new devilry is this?" asked Boromir, jumping up, and placing his sword at their throats as did everybody but Elrond and the Hobbits. And Gandalf.

"*This* is for like, FANDOM!" said Mary, and began to sing.


If everybody had a number,

Across the USA-


She was cut off in mid-song by the girl standing up.

"Okay, I surrender, I swear, Legolas loves me! I love him! I'll sing AAF, I'll go on the quest, but STOP WRECKING THE PLOT!!!"

"Ahah! You *have* to die now!" said Sue.

"Why? It's an MS!" said the girl, not frightened but brave and royal.

"We *live* to wreck the plot!" said Mary, and immediately zapped the girl into Moria with her amazing powers. Now having successfully wrecked the plot, it was up to them now.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Sue.

"Like, ROMANCE!!!" said Mary, and they cheered. Suddenly Legolas and Aragorn leapt up.

"I think you're hot!" said Legolas.

"Screw you, Arwen, me an' this babe are goin' to kick evil ass!" said Aragorn.

"I'd like, love to, put I have a manicure at two so, Ciao!" said Sue, and they both teleported home.

"So, that went well!" said Mary.

"Uhuh! CELEBRATORY SLUMBER PARTY!!!" screamed Sue, and they ran upstairs to change.


Love it? Hate it? Want to hunt me down and carve my heart out with a spoon? Tell me.

Note: This is a parody. I know its like, practically blasphemy, but it is kind of funny!