Roy didn't end up with a new apartment. He didn't get new locks or set traps near the windows either. Instead Roy sat on his couch and enjoyed the silence. Sure he was black and blue all over from a meta-human prison escape but he was alone.
It was perfect. Maybe Roy would start pairing off all of his troubles if it worked so well. Just as Roy's thoughts were drifting an image of Cheshire and Lex cuddling brought an end to that fantasy. He nearly fell of the couch reaching for the remote so he could drown out the image of them moving towards second base.
Roy would stick to Robin and Kid Flash and resist the urge to gouge out his eyes; especially if some random puppets dancing on his TV screen did twice the job a rusty spoon could do. Roy still had the remote in hand but something stopped him from changing the channel. Mindless chatting and a constant wave of colors washed over him as he slumped against the couch. He could enjoy a mindless children's cartoon, hell last time he had lived with Oliver the man still got a kick out of Saturday mornings in front of the TV.
"Perry's Peppy Puppets?" An exited, breathless voice caught him of guard and Roy looked over in time to see Miss Martian turn visible next to him. "I love this show. Who's the purple elephant? Did Peppy sew him or was he found somewhere like Polly?" Forgetting that she was breaking and entering Megan leaned forward and began chattering away while he took a moment to stare at her in disbelief.
"Go away. Now." This was the happy one. Or at least the decently-adjusted one that could talk to anyone besides him. To emphasize his point Roy turned off the TV and turned to glare at her.
Megan took it as an invitation to begin speaking about something else. "Wally and Robin still hang out here right?"
"Oh," Megan deflated a bit and Roy knew he was going to have company for a while. "They didn't say anything?"
Aside from her and Superboy being a flimsy excuse to invade his apartment the boys didn't talk about Megan. Or anything with substance and it had been very painful to listen to. Roy told her as much and waited for his apartment to become empty again.
Fate had other ideas; starting with Megan covering her face and her arms and groaning out several syllables followed by high-pitched garbling. Roy took the opportunity to text Black Canary begging her for help. The response told him that she would have to come to his apartment to pick Megan up and Roy decided to cut his losses while he wasn't too deep in the hole. With his luck welcoming Black Canary would be seen as an open invitation to turn his apartment into a superhero hostel.
Determined to end things quickly Roy turned his full attention to his intruder and tried to exude some sort of uncaring wisdom. "Fine, tell me what happened and I'll point out the completely obvious so you can all pretend I'm some sort of miracle worker. Then go away." Megan had only heard the first three words and tuned out the rest with her optimism.
She did sit up and moved her hands to fiddle with the hem of her shirt but still didn't look directly at Roy. "Have you ever dated anyone?"
Why did these kids assume he was some sort of statue? It was still better than Oliver snooping everywhere but not by much. "It's complicated and has nothing to do with any of your problems."
Megan wasn't pleased with that answer and her exasperation managed to overcome her embarrassment, "But Uncle John says having experience is the most important part of teaching."
"I have not and never will teach any of you anything." Showing Artemis that backhand throw last week didn't count because he was trying to throw her out of his kitchen before she ate everything and Roy only counted himself as a witness to the Wally/Robin thing. "So you can go to your uncle or someone else."
"No! Hello, that is like, way too embarrassing." Roy could tell; it was very odd to see someone with a green complexion blushing.
And kind of pathetic to. Or at least that was what he would blame for what he was about to say, "Right. But telling me is fine. Whatever, so it has something to do with dating and the Kid Flash/Robin thing."
Megan nodded. Then stared at him expectedly as if Roy was about to offer some sort of solution.
"I need more information Megan."
"Are you sure you've dated?" Megan barely dodged the fluffy pillow thing that had migrated to his living room somehow. "Fine! You're an adult anyways and you used to be a teenager so…" Roy watched her clutching the pillow and tried to focus more on the throbbing pain in his ribs then his growing impatience. Eventually though the need to pee and possibly fix lunch won out and he twitched to get up. Immediately he had Megan throwing herself around him, "Wait! It's really important!"
"Then spit it out! And get off me."
"Oh, your bruises. Right," Megan sat back and adopted a very fine posture, Roy continued slouching. "So it started three days ago when we were in the lounge," Roy would have asked who exactly 'we' was but he didn't want to prolong the experience or give Megan a reason to stop her fluttery speech. "And when Robin and Wally got out of the gym they were both wet and went right to the couch and started cuddling. I was busy with the book Uncle gave me but I noticed when Artemis started giggling," Of course. Artemis was the one to blame. Roy would have his revenge later but for now Megan seemed to be getting to the point based on how loud and rushed she was. "Then she said, that-that- theywereactinglikebunnies."
Ew. That was quite possibly the worst visual ever of the two being cute and cuddly. But nothing that would freak out a cute obsessed girl. Who was back to staring at him with some sort of expectation that he could not figure out. "I'm still lost Megan."
"Bunnies! Don't you know what that means?"
Roy did the impossible and spent moment thinking about bunnies. Cute, fluffy, well loved by small children around Easter despite having nothing to do with Jesus and… he stopped. No. No, no and no again. Roy was not going to let his mind go there and he was going to offer Megan the sanest advice he could and later tell Artemis to keep her thoughts to herself. And then take comfort in the fact that he doubted they even were doing anything that required closed doors. "No. Don't even think about it. It's none of your business anyways."
"But-" Megan had gone from blushing and fumbling to pale and horrified, "They're still not adults. And what about crime fighting? Or diapers?" Wait, diapers? "And cradles, and watching them, and school, and-"
"Stop! What are you talking about?" Why did the sanest looking ones always turn out to be the craziest? And then stare at him as if he was the one with a few screws loose?
"Bunnies," if Megan expected that to create some sort of big bang in Roy's understanding of this she was wrong. "One of the fastest breeding creatures? Someone needs to talk to them about how hard it is taking care of so many babies and,"
It finally clicked for Roy. Right, Martians with their looser concept of gender probably weren't unfamiliar with same-sex couples having children. Or Megan was failing human biology to a new degree. He held up a hand to stop her, "It's not possible. Humans of the same gender can't have children. And it's impossible to breed like rabbits anyways because pregnancy is nine months and typically only for one child at a time."
"Really?" Roy could see a very heavy weight being lifted from her.
Megan still looked a bit skeptical, "All humans?"
Roy ended up dragging himself to his computer with Megan bouncing behind him. Several Google searches later and he had several chapters printed out explaining to the Martian how exactly human reproduction worked. He handed them over to Megan and pointed towards the door, "There. Read, commit to memory and never mention anything about Kid Flash and Robin again.
She was flying happily out the window in moments. Roy turned to the TV that was now broadcasting regular news. Sinking on the couch he opened the Netflix window, what had Megan called that show again? Cause he was guessing it was about to become his new favorite show.