In your dreams!
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, there would be more HPTR and HPLV slash:P
I wrote this for OCDdegrassi's "Dirty Harry Potter Pick-Up Lines" Competition.
This story is written in Harry Potter's POV.
Revenge will be sweet.
Hi. My name is Harry Potter. Currently, I'm in my sixth year at Hogwarts.
It's the winter break, and apart from stalking Malfoy (which was fun for a while, but became boring as I didn't manage to catch him in the act – not even once) and doing a liiiitle bit of homework, there isn't much to do. I'm sorry, but I can no longer put up with Hermione and Ron's constant dancing around each other. They should just start snogging already. Maybe I'll push them in a broom closet? The classical ideas always work best.
As such – for some reason, relationships started blooming everywhere around me – my classmates are almost all involved, now. I'm single though, and even if sometimes I imagine doing stuff with Ginny, she already has a boyfriend, and I'm not a backstabber. However, I hope she gets tired of Dean soon.
My godfather, Sirius Black, died last year. It was a big hit for me, but the pain started to fade since I returned to Hogwarts. It was my fault – I never took the Occlumency lessons seriously, because Snape is a bastard and made them as painful for me as possible. As a result I trusted the vision that showed Sirius's capture and we went to the Ministry to save him. Then Sirius came after us, and Bellatrix killed him. I'd like to keep blaming Bellatrix, but truth is, she wouldn't have been able to do it, if Voldemort and I hadn't prepared the "field" for her beforehand. So it all comes down to Voldemort and me.
To my surprise, old snake-face hasn't tried anything funny with my head since the possession failed. Dumbledore says he couldn't stand the love inside me, but I've learned not to take his explanations for what they are anymore. I've been fed lies and half-truths this entire time. Had I known about the prophecy at the beginning of the year – hell, had I received Occlumency lessons from someone in the Order (Dumbledore or one of the Aurors) during my stay there, things would have gone so much differently!
But it seems Dumbledore was much too afraid of Voldemort to give me lessons himself. And Dumbledore is, supposedly, the one man Voldemort fears. Not so believable anymore. But this thing between them is none of my business. The prophecy says Voldemort and I have to kill one another. No matter how things will go, I know for sure it won't end well for me.
But enough pessimism and self-pity. I really HAVE a weapon against him, and it was proved to work once. He made my last year here hell. So why don't I return the favor? I think it's about time he tasted his own medicine.
I went to bed late that day, especially late, to make sure I wouldn't be bothered by my dorm mates – and hoping that I'd catch Voldemort asleep.
I calmed myself - took deep breaths, meditated for a while and activated the connection. I could hear some buzzing, then I felt some slight resistance (maybe Voldemort's Occlumency shields?) and I was in.
At once, I was hit by a wave of surprise and annoyance, as Snake Face realized who was disturbing him in the middle of the night.
"Hi Tom!" I saluted him, cheerfully.
"Brat, do you want to die a painful death? What are you doing?"
"Nothing, just needed some help with my homework" I answered innocently.
"Homework? Potter, did I somehow destroy the rational part of your brain at the Ministry?"
I tried to ignore the guilt and pain accompanying a wild rush of memories at the mention of that cursed institution, and managed to recover fast enough.
"Yup! So now you'll do my homework for me!"
And then, I was hit with excruciating pain; starting from my scar, spreading down my neck, shoulders – but hey, I was expecting that, so I countered with an image of Ron and Lavender snogging (or sucking their faces off, depending on your perspective) in the Common Room. Good old Voldemort recoiled as if it burned. And then he was silent for a few moments.
"Brat…I have seen some pretty disgusting things in your head, but this surpasses them all"
"I know! And there's plenty more where that came from!"
More moments of silence, as he was probably trying to make a decision, and then he answered.
"I'm already up, so just say what you're having trouble with. I am going to give you some ideas, but I am NOT doing your homework for you"
"Fair enough" I reasoned. "So there's this Potions essay…"
I am happy that I began to spy on the Slytherins for extra blackmail material. It seems Voldy is developing resistance to straight couples making out. Why, who would have thought Zabini had such mad skills with his hands and tongue that he can reduce Malfoy to a pile of goo? Well, it sure was worth sneaking into the Slytherin dormitories under my Cloak to see this. A good thing Crabbe writes the password on pieces of parchment that he…tends to lose. (He is so copying Neville…)
Right, as I was saying. The next day, it turned a bit difficult to convince Voldemort to help with my Transfiguration homework – so I had to employ those images.
"I won't even ask where you saw this and how…" he sighed, rubbing his temples. "Fine, brat, you win again"
Shall I say that my written essay impressed Professor McGonagall so much that she gave me 20 points? Considering I had never received points for my homework before, that was quite a feat.
After two weeks, Voldemort – seemingly in a good mood (I was afraid to even imagine why), started suggesting books for me to read for DADA – probably for extra credit, not that I needed it.
"...and next time we meet, hopefully, you'll put up a better fight, brat" he said. "Might as well make it memorable, don't you think?"
"Let me get this straight. You're helping me beat you?" I asked, incredulously.
"You'll never beat me, Potter." he answered smoothly. "Just think about this. You were taught by an incompetent wench last year, so you practically wasted the whole year when it comes to defense. From what I remember, they taught us a great deal of counter-curses in 5th year, so you really need to catch up on subject. Don't you want to be an Auror, Potter - assuming you live long enough to become one?"
"Aww, didn't know you cared. You're so sweet, Tom!"
"DON'T call me Tom!"
"Aww, you know that you're secretly in love with me"
"Go to sleep, idiot"
Okay, that was weird. But at the beginning of this…thing, I decided I'd get revenge in any way possible. So what if I "flirted" around a bit? As long as Voldemort is suitably traumatized, it doesn't matter.
I really should have seen this coming. I mean, Voldemort stopped attacking me when I sent him those images, but – there was no disgust coming through our link.
For once, our connection seemed to have evolved, as instead of a voice and some feelings, I was now standing on an armchair, in what seemed to be the Slytherin Common Room, and Voldemort…(Voldemort?) sat across, and he wasn't snake-like anymore, but young and human. Just like Tom Riddle from the diary. And I couldn't see this ending well.
"You really didn't have to send me those images, Harry. I might as well be under the Imperius curse, because I'd do anything for you"
"What?" I managed to ask him, weakly. Bloody hell, was that a pick-up line?
"No good keeping such things…inside, you know. What would Dumbledore think?"
I really shouldn't have sent him images of me making out with sixteen- year-old Tom Riddle inside the Chamber of Secrets.
Please, mindscape floor of Tom's mind, open up and swallow me now!
Because Tom is approaching me like a snake ready to strike, and his eyes are roaming up and down my body, checking me out like a hungry beast, and I can feel waves of electricity shooting down my spine. Oh, Merlin! Is it possible to lose one's virginity in their mind?
The next morning, I woke up to sticky sheets, feeling really sore. Luckily for me, it was Saturday. So no lessons today! I don't think I could have concentrated on them. Bloody insatiable Dark Lord.
"Hey, mate, wake up!" came Ron's voice. "Let's go get breakfast, I'm so hungry I could eat – "
"- a hyppogriff, yeah" I answered. "Go right ahead, I'll be there soon"
And I heard the door close, leaving me alone in the dormitory. I tried to get up, but my muscles and my rear really, really hurt.
Bloody insatiable Dark Lord.
"I might as well be under the Imperius curse, because I'd do anything for you"- is the second and last "dirty pick-up line" I chose.
Has everyone noticed how different movie! Harry Potter is to book! Harry Potter? Well, I wrote this with the image of movie!Harry Potter's goofy grins in my head.
Hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!