Title: Eight Reasons Tony is Forbidden to Leave Drunk Messages

Pairing(s): Tony Stark and um I can explain

Fandom: Avengers (movie/comic mix)

Rating: T with M hints

Note: People asked for reactions, so here are some messages they left for Tony in response :)


"Betty and I were at the zoo when I listened to your message. Tony, I destroyed a zoo because of you. I think I used a giraffe as a bat to beat stuff up- Tony, all of the animals escaped and a few were severely hurt in the proccess. No. No we will never have a three way with you. We will never have a three way with anyone. And you need to never speak of Betty in even a remotely sexual or flirtatious way ever again. The zoo, Tony! I'm putting it on your tab, it's your fault anyway."


"First off, it's Hawkass, not Cockeye. Second off, I know exactly what brand of whiskey you were describing, that stuff's shit, you need to try the kind with the purple lion on the label, it'll blow your mind. Third off, thank you very much, it's about damn time someone noticed that my ass is not my only gold star quality feature! Thank you for that, Anthony, that was very sweet of you. And lastly, heh, um, yeah, you see that little red dot on your ass? Yep, there you go, that one right there- *thwack* *zap* *Tony's distant agonizing scream* - is your one and only warning. Don't ever call Bobby again, Tony, you're only going to get hurt in the end."


"Veracruz, Mexico. I'm not affraid to use it."


"I'm not falling for that twice, you're not funny Tony... Tony... Tony?... Tony stop it... Seriously, it's not funny... JARVIS, is he okay?... Oh. Pepper, you should probably call an ambulance."




"Thanks for last night babe. Aaaaand I guess I forgive you... This time, at least. You were pretty spectacular after all, sooooo... Again tonight? And yes, I'm wearing the satin dress."


"I hid the damn stash because you've hit a new record for setting shit on fire this past month. And last time I checked, Tony mother fucking Stark owes me his damn life, so if I were Tony mother fucking Stark, I'd get the hell over it. Now, as much as I'd like to come over and duet on that work of art with you, I have a job, in the military, cleaning up your messes, which is what I'm doing right now. So pass."


"I'll cut you. Notice how I didn't say where. I'll make it a surprise. I know you like surprises."