I don't own Phineas and Ferb, or any of its characters. This story contains explicit gay sex between a man and a semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal of action and was written on a whim with little to no skill available. If you still decide to read after knowing all of that, you're either braver than most or just very, very stupid.

Some Like It Rough

by: Moonie

The Flyn-Fletcher household was unsettlingly quiet that day; Candace, Phineas, and Ferb had gone off to school that morning, and Linda and Lawrence had left soon after that to an antique expo taking place in the next town over from Danville.

The only one left home was the household pet. Perry the Platypus let out an exasperated sigh as he flopped over in his pet bed, trying and failing to get comfortable. The deafening quiet wasn't what was getting to him; it was quite the opposite. In the mammal's agitated state, every little noise seemed to beat on his eardrums and nerves.

Drip. Drip. Drip. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Perry let out a sound that was somewhere between a whine and a chatter, jumped up from the plush bed, and chucked it across the room in frustration. It landed with a dull 'plop' next to the armchair. The animal sighed again and checked the communicator watch on his arm. He knew today was his day off, and he knew his nemesis had agreed to take the day off from evil, but could he really be trusted? Certainly, any minute, Major Monogram would contact him to let him know that Doofenshmirtz was up to his old tricks again.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Drip. Drip. Drip.


The agent began to pace. Any other time, he'd have taken the time to enjoy his day off; lord knows he needed it. But he KNEW Heinz couldn't be trusted to keep his word, and-

And that wasn't why he was so agitated.

Perry stopped, a look of utter confusion evident on his whole being. It hadn't been just today he had felt this way. Frustrated, anxious, considerably more reckless than he usually allowed himself to be, it had been going on for over a week now. But why?

Perry's eyes narrowed and he growled at himself. Just look at him! Standing in the middle of his house, evaluating his feelings. He didn't have TIME for this! As O.W.C.A.'s top agent, Perry the Platypus should be out by now, thwarting the evil Doctor Doofenshmirtz; they should be well into one of their tussles by now.

As the scene began playing out in Perry's mind, he found himself becoming more and more anxious. His heartbeat sped up and every nerve in his small body seemed to tingle. A low, feral chatter shook him from his thoughts and brought him back to reality. He shook his head. Had that sound come from him?

No matter. He knew where he was supposed to be, and he certainly didn't need his agency to give him permission to do his job. Giving his communicator one last glance, he dashed across the living room, into the kitchen, and down through the garbage can shoot that led to his base.


Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz was humming to himself as he plopped into an over-sized brand-name recliner chair that had been paid for with a small chunk of his alimony check. He sighed as he sank into the plush cushions. Sure, he had thought of going ahead and catching Perry the Platypus off guard, by assembling and trying out his newest -inator on their day off, but the truth was, a day off actually sounded nice. Besides, although he'd never admit it to himself, a small part of him would have felt guilty for lying to his nemesis. That's what was so great about two people... or beings, in any case... being so deeply in hate; there was rarely a need for lies.

The doctor thought about all of this as he sat there, in his robe and slippers, sipping his coffee in the early morning sunlight that streamed through the hole in his ceiling that he still hadn't gotten around to fixing. It wasn't that he hadn't had the time or the money; it was just that it happened to be platypus-shaped, because it was made when Perry the Platypus happened to crash through it a week ago, and it amused him to some degree.

Doof had just started to reach for his newspaper, when a loud CRASH and the tinkling of broken glass from behind made him jump, scalding hot coffee slopping over into his bare lap, making him yell obscenities in German.

By the time Heinz had jumped up off the chair, he was surprised to see none other than Perry the Platypus, his one and only nemesis, standing across the room, glaring at him. Doofenshmirtz didn't move, didn't say anything at first. What was he doing here today? Didn't he TRUST him?

What a stupid question, Heinz. It's his job not to trust you.

Finally his vocal cords decided to let him speak. "Perry the Platypus? What, what are you doing here? This is our day off, remember?"

The agent not only didn't respond, but gave no indication that he had even heard Doof. The small animal just stood there, rigid, breathing heavily and glaring coldly at his nemesis.

Suddenly, vivid flashbacks to his childhood invaded his mind. Visions of that terrifying raccoon that tried chewing his face off one night. That same wild, feral look had been in that animal's eyes, and Doofenshmirtz shuddered in revulsion as he watched his father shoot the animal as it tried to scamper away.

The all-too-real sound of the shot ended his flashback, and as he came to, his nemesis was already in mid-pounce. Before he knew what hit him, the small agent had launched himself at his chest, catching him off-balance, sending him pinwheeling backwards, before tripping over the recliner footrest, both of them tumbling to the floor.

No sooner had the back of Doof's head painfully smack against the floor, Perry landed two good punches, one to his left eyes, and the other sent a wave of nausea through his being and made his eyes water as it connected with his nose.

Doofenshmirtz finally had time to react, and both of his arms flew up to shield his face. He let out a surprised yell as the animal bit into his arm, and as a reflex, whipped his arm out to dislodge him. It worked, and Perry went tumbling ungracefully through the air, colliding with the far wall with a loud 'thud'.

The platypus rebounded off the wall and landed on his stomach. The trained agent quickly and effortlessly jumped to his feet, as if being thrown into a wall hadn't even fazed him. But it HAD fazed him, and the small animal shuddered visibly. This whole meeting had effected Perry in a way he didn't quite understand, and his mind was in such a fog, he didn't seem to care. All he knew was that this is what he had been so anxious for, and that he wanted more. He wanted his nemesis to show how much he HATED him. He wanted to hear his nemesis yell again. He wanted-

"P-perry the Platypus? What is WRONG with you? Why are you so ANGRY? I didn't even DO anything, see, see look!" Doof said, gesturing towards the box with the inator parts in it, and still rubbing his arm where he had been bitten. "I haven't even started putting it together yet! I promise, I'm not up to anything eeevil today!"

These words calmed the animal down some, and the fog began to clear, ever so slightly. But those words also brought another feeling creeping up; disappointment. So that was it. His nemesis really wasn't up to anything today. He had no reason to fight him.

The fog lifted some more. What was he doing? Disobeying orders from the O.W.C.A.? That wasn't like him...

He eyed the bite marks on Doofenshmirtz's arm. That wasn't like him, either.

Heinz stood there, keeping a close watch on Perry, afraid to move, and afraid to look away. For the first time, Doof was looking at a wild animal, and not his nemesis. A wild animal that would just as soon claw his eyes out than ever be his frenemy. A pang of sadness joined his fear and lay heavy in his heart.

But he saw the Perry he knew in those eyes now, where he hadn't earlier. That gave him hope. He didn't know what the problem was, but he thought maybe talking to him was helping. He took a careful step closer to the animal and gave a weak smile.

"Perry the Platypus, it, it's me, your nemesis! Remembeeer?" he didn't know if remembering anything was the problem or not, but he wasn't sure what else to say. Perry just stared at him, blankly, unmoving.

Perry wasn't sure what to think. Why was Doofenshmirtz acting so strangely? The fog had lifted almost completely now, and the anxious feeling had ebbed away into almost nothing, but still nagged at the back of his mind. It was what kept him glued to the spot. It was what kept him from leaving, even though he'd seen proof that Doofenshmirtz really had kept his word and wasn't up to anything. It was what kept telling him he couldn't leave, because that wasn't what he came here for today.

Doof took another trepidatious step forward, and the agent's agitation spiked up from nothing for a second. Another step. Perry began to grow anxious again. He let out a chattering growl. Doof stopped abruptly and held his hands up in a surrendering manner. "Okay, okay! I'm stopping, see?"

Perry the Platypus gave his nemesis a quizzical look. Doof really was an easily manipulated guy. Why, one would almost say he was... submissive? Perry eyed the large hands that were being held up. Oh the things those hands had done in the past... how many times had they thrown him into a wall, or tightened painfully around his body?

These thoughts were very unlike him, but the fog was back and he hardly noticed. His eyes narrowed again, but this time the feral anger was replaced with a glint of wild need, and a dangerous but alluring smirk played across his bill. He crouched, ready to pounce again, and Doofenshmirtz yelled, shielding his face on instinct.

The face was being shielded, so Perry went for the gut. He rocketed himself into the evil scientist, headbutting the man hard in the stomach, causing him to double over in pain. The platypus took this opportunity to jump up on Doof's back, and start pummeling the sensitive and exposed back of the neck with his bill.

Still holding his stomach with one arm, Heinz reached blindly behind him, trying to grasp at anything that would stop his nemesis from doing that. He managed to grab his tail, squeezed hard, and whipped the animal off his back.

At painful attention to his sensitive tail only revved Perry up more. He no sooner hit the floor, and he sprung back at his nemesis, who was ready for him this time, and caught him mid-leap. In a seemingly impossibly quick movement, the evil doctor had him pinned against a wall, one hand around his throat, and the other holding both of his small hands out in front of him.

Doofenshmirtz was panting hard, and he was tired, but he had to admit that he was enjoying this. He couldn't remember the last time Perry the Platypus had been so enthusiastic about his work. And he was relieved to see his nemesis looking back at him now, instead of a wild, bloodthirsty animal. But his eyes held something else today, a thirst for something other than blood. A certain something he had never seen before, a something he couldn't place.

Perry's breaths were quick and shallow, and his heart raced with so many emotions. The hand around his neck held firm, and he was transfixed as his nemesis seemed to be trying to look through his eyes and into his mind. The dark blue spheres bore into his dark brown ones and fueled the flame that was already burning deep in his gut.

Finally, the platypus couldn't take it anymore. He needed more. His back legs kicked out with surprising force, connecting him Doof's already sore stomach.

Heinz stumbled backward and Perry landed on the floor, already preparing to launch himself at his target again.

Doofenshmirtz barely had time to recover before he had a face full of platypus. His nemesis wrapped his arms and legs around his head, and was lightly gnawing on his hairline. Doof managed to wedge a hand between his face and the agent stuck to his face, and brought his hand down to the animal's lower torso to get better leverage so he could...

A jolt of unexpected physical pleasure suddenly raced up Perry's spine as Doof's hand glided over his body, and finally over an even more sensitive part of him that he hadn't been thinking of. And at that very moment, the hand snapped back as if it had been bitten. Doof instead grabbed Perry roughly by the scruff of his neck and pulled him free of his face, then holding him out in front of him as the agent tried in vain to claw, punch and kick at him.

"What was THAT, what did I just-"

Doof's glare turned into wide-eyed surprise, and his mouth hung open. Perry stopped struggling and followed his gaze. Whoops. The platypus panicked, and his tail curled up to hide his shame as he flushed under his fur. To his surprise, Doof just smiled. But it wasn't a sweet smile, which made Perry flush even more. He wished he could stop that.

"Oooohh, Perry the Platypus, so THAT'S what has you all wound up today! But who knew you liked it so rough, I mean OW!" he said, rubbing his sore stomach to emphasize his point.

Heinz had nothing against human and animal relations. Heck, his great-great-great-great grandma on his father's side had been a goat. He did have a problem with having relations with his sworn nemesis, however. But it wasn't like he could say no now. Perry the Platypus had come to him in his time of need, and in a way, that touched him. And he couldn't pretend as if all of this fighting hadn't had an effect on him, too. Suddenly he wished he had been wearing underwear under that robe.

Perry watched warily as his nemesis stuck his finger on his mouth and sucked on it for a few seconds. Was his nemesis teasing him? It was working. The finger popped out, shiny with saliva. He continued to watch, intrigued, and slightly nauseated. He watched as Doof pried his tail away, and his breath hitched as the lubed appendage buried its self in his back door.

Perry let out a strained chattering cry as the sudden wave of pain and pleasure racked his small frame. His nemesis continued to grin evilly. "Hah hah! You like that, Perry the Platypus?" He pulled his finger out half way, and then slammed it in again, enticing another cry of pleasure and an arch of his furry back. Doofenshmirtz was getting sick pleasure in watching his nemesis squirm, for once losing his cool and collected demeanor. But his arm was growing sore from holding the platypus up. He removed his finger and reached for a better hold, but leaned in too far and got a foot to the face.

Doof stumbled backwards a few paces while holding a hand over the eye that hadn't been back and blue until now, and Perry dropped to the floor. "OW! Hey, what was THAT for, I was HELPING-oof!" another headbutt to the torso, although slightly less painful this time, and he stumbled backwards the rest of the way, falling sideways into his plush chair. He swung his legs around front so he could get back up to find where his nemesis had gone, but had a lap full of platypus before he had the chance to.

Perry immediately noticed the doctor's lap was a lot more lumpy than it should have been. The robe's material shifted beneath him, and out popped a part of his nemesis he never thought he'd see. Perry's mischievous grin returned, and he grabbed it in both of his small hands, looking up at Doof with an expression that had the doctor both worrying and intrigued. "P-perry the Platypus, you're not still aaangry, are you?"

Perry stood with his feet planted on each side of Heinz's erect member, his own smaller, but just as eager tool pressing against it. The man's penis came up in inch or so below the platypus's bill.

Doofenshmirtz squirmed uneasily in the chair. He had to admit, the soft belly fur up the length of his shaft felt... pretty nice. He allowed himself to relax some and let out a shuddering sigh as his nemesis began nuzzling his member. He clutched the arms of the chair as Perry began to lap at the underside of his penis head, and he saw the animal smirk at his reaction.

"Oohhh... don't look at me like that, Perry the- nuuuh... Platypus, I still have the upper ha-ey!" the platypus purposely squeezed a bit too tightly to let his nemesis know that much like always, Heinz was very much not in control. Perry continued to rub his soft fur over the underside of Heinz's shaft, while he worked the top with his hands. He quickly lapped up any precome that began to bead up on its tip. The masculine scent invaded his senses and made his already foggy mind swim, but not enough to keep him from enjoying the feeling of complete control with every new sound and expression he milked out of the scientist.

"Wow, you know this is MUCH better than anything Charlene was ever willing to-"

A well-aimed glare cut Doofenshmirtz off. "Oh, mentioning ex-wives just makes things aaawkward, got it. … You know, you, you're pretty good at this, Perry the Platypus, where did you learn to DO tha-AHH..."

He could tell that this volcano was about to blow, and he wasn't going to last much longer, either. The intense need for release from earlier suddenly returned, and he gripped Doof's manhood so suddenly and tightly, the man jumped and gasped. The semi-aquatic mammal wrapped his legs and arms around the shaft, and began rubbing with renewed vigor, his hands going to work on the tip.

Suddenly, Heinz's back arched slightly, his eyes screwed tightly shut, and he let out a muffled moan of ecstasy, as his groin let loose and spilled his juices down his nemesis' chest. Perry was soon to follow, with a sharp chatter and a thrust.

Perry waited for his nemesis to slump back into the chair, before crawling up over the quickly deflating member, up Doof's bare stomach, which was already showing signs of painful bruising from their tussle earlier, and on up to his chest, where he collapsed , exhausted, and buried his bill into the space between Doof's shoulder and neck. He let out a soft purr-like chatter as Doof reached up and began stroking his back. "Perry the Platypus, this was really... and I mean a really unexpected surprise." Heinz said softly, tiredly.

The agent knew this was wrong. He knew he should have been ashamed and angry at himself as soon as it became clear to both of them why he had come here. He knew this never should have happened. Doofenshmirtz? Really? His nemesis, the man who... who gave his life meaning and cause. Had he developed feelings beyond loathing and hate for his nemesis? Apparently so. Was that so bad? … Only time would be able to tell. But for now, as he lay there, exhausted and more satisfied than he had been in years, with long fingers stroking his fur, Perry decided he could do with more days off like this.