*Taps microphone* Is... is this thing on?
Yes, it's been a while. But for those of you who haven't forgotten about Edward, here's the next chapter. It was quite big so I split it, so yay for a future part 4! You won't be waiting another few months for the conclusion, don't worry. I'll be quick about it.
And for fans of The Viking's Woman, I'll be posting soon as well.
Than you to my fabulous beta ExquisiteEdward! I love that girl to death!
And thanks to Leibeezer, a fan of this story who never let me forget.
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
A thick fog slowly clears from my mind as I wake up from the deepest sleep of my life. I squint my eyes tightly together, trying in vain to hold onto my dream. Five seconds ago, I'd been plowing myself into Bella Swan on top of a lab table in the physics department, and I'd like to be able to, uh, well… finish.
But the buzzing is only getting louder. Annoyed, I attempt to roll onto my other side, but my path is blocked by something warm and solid.
"Mmhph," a voice grunts. Two small hands press against my chest, pushing me onto my back. "Edward... you're… crushing me..."
Startled that I'm not alone, I open my eyes, but all I can see is brown hair. It's all over my face. "Fuck," I mutter, lifting a hand to wipe it away, but my arm is being pinned down underneath something heavy.
"Edward!" The hair suddenly slides away from my face, and Bella Swan is blinking down at me with that unmistakable look of confusion and mild annoyance that says she just woke up.
I rub my hand over my face, trying to figure out whether I'm still sleeping. Bella and me are sharing a bed, and from the look of it, she's completely naked, so all signs are pointing towards dream. And a good one at that.
"Bella?" I mutter inarticulately.
She leans down and softly presses her lips against mine. "Morning," she mumbles into my mouth.
Fuck, I can feel her breasts… her perfect, glorious, naked breasts. We had sex last night. Again. I'm in an actual sexual relationship with Bella Swan. Have I disturbed the space-time continuum and fallen into an alternate reality?
She deepens the kiss, crushing her lips against mine, curling her fingers into my hair. She's so warm and soft. Alternate reality or not, she's perfect, and I can't help but wrap my arms around her waist and pull her flush against me. She's small and slim, but her curves fit so nicely against mine.
I can't keep my hands to myself; on their own accord, they trail over her hips and follow the line of her spine up to her shoulders. Bella moans—which may just be the sexiest noise on the planet—and shifts her thighs, brushing against Little Eddie. He's been awake longer than I have, just waiting for an opportunity like this. Maybe Bella will want to start where my dream left off.
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
Bella pulls her mouth away and peers around the room. "Your phone's ringing."
If it's my mom calling again, she's just going to have to wait. "Ignore it," I say, flipping us over so she's suddenly underneath me.
She smirks, her dark hair spread out all around her on the sheets. "I've created a monster."
I can't disagree. "Just call me Sexenstein."
She bursts into giggles and—oh boy—Little Eddie takes notice of the friction occurring between our lower halves. So does Bella. She grabs my shoulders and pulls my mouth back to hers.
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
"Ugh," Bella grunts as we pull away from each other. We both glance down at the discarded clothes we threw on the floor last night. The vibrations from my cellphone are making my pants inch their way across the floor.
I look for something to cover myself with, a blanket or something to wrap around my body, but the only one I see is the one covering Bella. So I grab her purple throw pillow and awkwardly hold it over Little Eddie as I scramble out of bed. No way am I letting her see my morning wood.
Bella gives me a thin smile, but I can tell she's trying hard not to laugh. "Edward, you know I've already seen it, right?"
I roll my eyes and adjust the pillow again, trying to ignore her chortles as I awkwardly bend down and fish my phone out of the pocket of my jeans. It starts to ring again just as I flip it open. "Hello?"
"Where the fuck you been, dude? I've been calling you for the past half-hour!"
I move the phone a few inches away from my ear to keep my eardrums from exploding. "Jasper?"
Damn it. I'd totally forgotten about Jasper, my best friend who'd inexplicably gone missing during the frat party on Friday. I've probably been a horrible friend to go this long without making a real effort to look for him, but Bella's been a bit of a distraction. Well, more than a bit. A nuclear bomb could probably detonate next to me, and I'd be too distracted by Bella to notice.
"Look, man, I need your help," he hisses.
"Why? Are you okay?"
He exhales loudly. "Just pick me up. Now! I'm at the corner of Fynn and Grove Street."
"Wh—" I start to ask, but I'm interrupted by the beeping of the dial tone.
"Who was that?" Bella asks from behind me.
I turn and she's propped up on one elbow, the sheets gathered at her waist. Does she know what she does to me? Maybe she's actually trying to kill me. I cough into the back of my hand and try to remember what she just asked. "My friend, Jasper. He said he needs me to pick him up."
Bella sits up and the sheet falls even farther. "Don't worry, I need to get to work anyway."
Little Eddie's disappointed; the odds were looking so good for him a few minutes ago. But I guess reality was bound to catch up with me eventually.
And then my brain starts working overtime. What's going to happen during class on Monday? Is she going to ignore me again, pretend nothing ever happened? Will she sit next to me? Could I hold her hand? Could I tell people she's my… girlfriend?
Bella startles me out of my thoughts when she flings the blankets away and stands up, gloriously naked. How does she do shit like this without even batting an eye? She breezes past me, all her creamy skin exposed for my eyes to see, and goes to her wardrobe to find some clothes.
I drop the pillow. Okay, so maybe that was a bit pointless. I think Bella's become quite accustomed to that part of me by now. I watch her out of the corner of my eye as I change back into my clothes, trying to catch one last glimpse of her breasts before they disappear under a white bra.
As she slips on a black skirt, she glances at the clock hanging on the wall. "Damn. I'm gonna be late. I have to catch the next bus in ten minutes."
"Where do you work?" I ask sheepishly. We probably should have covered this stuff on the first date.
"I waitress," she informs me as she grabs a red polo shirt and slips it over her head. I read the logo on the pocket just as she says, "Fundito. It's downtown."
"Yeah, I've heard of it," I tell her, trying to imagine Bella serving plates of steaming Mexican food on a platter. It's hard to create a decent mental image, though, because I'd never been inside the restaurant. It's one of those quirky, cool college places that sorority girls and jocks liked to hang out in. Not even close to my league.
"You know," I say as I mournfully zip my fly shut, "Jasper said he's right around that area. I could drop you off if you want, after I get him."
"Really?" Bella gives me a mega-watt smile. I think my heart stops for a second. "That's so sweet of you."
I try to shrug it off, because really, it's not a big deal. Any chivalrous guy would offer the same. But Bella seems to think it's a lot more than that. She drops the jean jacket she was about to slip on and lunges at me, catching me completely off guard. Thank Isaac Newton the bed is only a few steps away, because gravity sends us tumbling down onto the mattress. It completely knocks the breath out of me, but then Bella's half-straddling me, her lips a centimeter from my own. ""I had a really great time with you last night, Edward."
All I can do is nod. Bella closes the distance and slowly kisses my bottom lip, running her tongue across the length of it. Shit. I groan and close my eyes, praying that for once, just once, Little Eddie will keep his fucking mouth shut.
She pulls back again, and her cheeks flush a light shade of pink. It's so out of character for her that I have to blink a few times to make sure I'm seeing right. "Really. Thank you. For everything. For the date. It was fun."
And then her lips smother mine in a full-blown smooch. For the first time in years, my mind goes totally blank. If someone asked me to solve a simple p=mv equation, I probably wouldn't even be able to tell you what the symbols stand for.
"Mmm," Bella moans, and then pulls away. Her lips are all dark pink and full. "You're a good kisser, you know."
No, I didn't know. In fact, this is new information completely, since our kisses so far have consisted mostly of Bella grabbing me, and me praying my tongue is heading in the right direction.
She smirks at my confused expression. I think she finds it amusing that I'm not the most experienced guy. Maybe she's got a weird fetish for socially awkward men. It would explain a lot.
"We should go," she says, glancing at her clock again as she slides off of me. "Is half an hour enough time to pick up your friend?"
"Plenty," I say, and lean back to admire the view as she grabs a comb and smoothes out her sex-hair. The sex-hair I gave her. Damn, maybe I'm better than I thought.
Ten minutes later we're driving through town in my Volvo. Bella keeps fiddling with the radio, trying to figure out which stations annoy me by how tight my jaw is. She was appalled when she realized my default channel was a political talk show.
I pull up to the corner of Fynn and Grove Street just as Bella settles on a heavy-metal song. Before the screeching guitars and screaming voices can give me a headache, I turn off the ignition, and the radio falls silent. "Where the hell is he?" I say aloud.
There's nothing here but a couple of office buildings. Jasper's nowhere in sight. But I'm certain he said this was the place. I check my phone again. No new messages.
"Wait here for a second," I tell Bella as I open my door. She shrugs and leans back in the seat.
I walk around the street for a few moments, peering into the alleyways. Still nothing. I'm grabbing my phone to give him a call when I hear an ominous whisper come from the backstreet behind one of warehouses. "Over here…"
The disembodied voice takes me by surprise. "What the fuck!" I shout, nearly jumping out of my skin. I turn swiftly on my heel and peer around the alley, but there's nothing but a dumpster. "Jasper?"
"Get over here!" his voice hisses impatiently.
I take a step forward and then hesitate. Isn't this just the kind of stupid move the first victim in a horror movie makes before he gets hacked into pieces? I peer down the empty, shadowed alley, looking for a sign of him, but there's nothing around but a dumpster. "Where are you?"
I hear someone shifting around, and then Jasper peers around from the side of the dumpster. He must have been huddled up behind it. "For fuck's sake!" he growls, waving his hand at me.
I don't know whether to be concerned or amused. I walk around the dumpster and find him sitting on the dirty ground Indian-style, scowling at me with annoyance. But that's not the weird part. The weird part is that his pants are gone. And his boxers. His polo shirt is still there, but it's covered in what looks like food stains. And… what is that smell?
"Holy shit!" I manage to yelp, but I can't think of anything else to say beyond that. Really, what does one say in a situation like this?
He narrows his eyes. "Just give me something to cover myself with, okay?" he grumbles.
I lift up my hands in a useless gesture, showing him that I don't have anything on me. Does he expect me to give him the clothes off my back?
He's about to start telling me off when footsteps echo into the alley. "Edward?"
Jasper turns white and flattens himself against the brick wall. "Are you fucking kidding me? You brought a chick with you?"
"Edward, are you okay?" Bella asks, walking towards us.
I turn to her and hold up a hand. "Yeah. Just… stay where you are."
Naturally, she doesn't take my request seriously. "What the hell's going on?" she asks, pushing right past me. "Who were you talking t—" She stops suddenly, her eyes widening. "Oh my God!"
I rush up to her and grab her arm, pulling her away from the spectacle before her. No way is my sort-of-girlfriend getting a front row seat to a viewing of my best friend's penis. "Don't look!" I order as authoritatively as I can muster.
She's too busy holding her stomach, cackling uncontrollably. There's no point trying to rush her away—she's obviously seen everything there is to see.
"Bella—" I try to get her attention, but I'm not sure she can hear me through her hysterics.
"What the hell is a chick doing here?" Jasper shouts at me. He's still hiding behind the dumpster.
His screaming, combined with Bella's giggling, is starting to give me a headache. "Everybody just shut up!"
Bella throws a hand over her mouth and smothers her laughs. I turn to Jasper. "You want to explain what happened to your underwear?"
He rolls his eyes. "Can we get out of here first? Give me something to cover myself with!"
It would have been helpful if he'd mentioned bringing spare pants with me when we talked on the phone. "I don't have—"
"Here," Bella interrupts, shrugging out of her jean jacket and holding it out.
Jasper reaches around the dumpster and grabs the jacket, then adjusts it around his waist so his lower half is somewhat covered.
Going back to the car is the most awkward minute of my life. Jasper's junk isn't on display anymore, but he still looks pretty ridiculous with Bella's jacket wrapped around him like a makeshift diaper. Thank goodness no one's out in the streets. Even so, he keeps turning his head and crouching down like he's about to be discovered. And Bella, she's trying so hard not to laugh, her cheeks are bulging.
When we get to my car, Jasper immediately goes for the passenger seat in the front. "Hey. Back of the car," I tell him, pushing him out of the way so I can open the door for Bella.
Jasper grumbles but otherwise stays quiet as he slides into the backseat. He sighs with relieve at being off the streets.
Locked inside the car with him, the weird odor is stronger than ever. I wave a hand in front of my nose as I crack the windows open.
"You smell like turd," Bella says blatantly.
Jasper scowls but stays silent.
"So," she goes on, "are you gonna explain, or do you strip in public frequently?"
"Maybe I do, Swan. What's it to you?"
"Jasper!" I hiss. "Would it kill you to stop acting like a dick for five minutes?" Things with Bella and me are still new; the last thing I need is his rudeness fucking it up for me.
He scowls. "I've had a rough day, okay?"
Thank god, the uncomfortable car ride ends fairly quickly. I pull up on the side of the road in front of Fundito.
"This is my stop," Bella says, turning her head to peer over the seat at Jasper. "Keep the jacket, okay? A gift from me to you."
He adjusts the denim, but doesn't look up at her.
Bella clears her throat and looks back at me. "I'll call you."
"Yeah," I say, trying not to look too eager. "Have, um… have a good day at work."
Her lips curl upward into a smile. "Thanks." I wait for her to open the door and leave, but she doesn't. She looks at me expectantly, her eyes glimmering with amusement. "Don't I get a kiss?"
Right! I'm allowed to do that now. I lean forward and focus on pressing my mouth against hers, as softly as I can manage. But Bella will have none of it. Her hands grab my hair, pulling on it as she pushes her tongue against my lips.
"Mm," she moans as she shoves my shoulders backwards. For such a petite girl, she's really very strong. Or maybe I'm just helpless to fight back. I'm pushed against the side of the car while Bella leans across the console, half in my lap.
"Um, not to interrupt, but I'm still sitting back here. Half-naked. I don't know if that makes this awkward…"
Bella quickly ends the kiss, shifting back onto her side of the car. She smoothes a hand over her hair. "Okay, I really have to go." This time she does open the car door. I watch as she walks out and heads towards Fundito. Before she goes inside, she waves at me over her shoulder.
"What the hell was that?" Jasper asks, shaking me out of my Bella-induced haze. "Dude, you banged Swan, didn't you?"
I cringe at his choice of verbs. "It's none of your business."
He snorts. "I'm your best friend. Come on, man, you have to tell me. Did you do the deed?"
I know most guys wouldn't hesitate to brag about winning a girl like Bella, but talking about it out loud just feels… wrong.
My silence seems to be enough for Jasper. "Damn! Bella Swan. You lucky bastard! She hot! I bet she's an animal in the—"
"Shut up!" I bellow. I know what people think of Bella, but I'm not going to stand by and let my own best friend talk shit about her. "It's not like that, okay? It's not just about… sex."
"Clearly," Jasper deadpans. "She was all over you. What the hell happened? Last time I saw you, Newton was locking you in the bathroom."
I'm not about to tell him the sordid details. "Are you going to explain where your clothes went?" I ask instead, hoping he'll be distracted.
He leans back in the seat and sighs, looking out the window. "Dude, it was incredible."
"Well?" I press, trying to breath through my mouth. That smell he brought into the car with him is getting worse.
He grins. "After Newton got a hold of you, one of his jock buddies, Ben Cheney, grabbed me and went to throw me in the closet, but this chick stopped him."
"A girl?" I ask disbelievingly. A girl stood up against a gigantic football player? For Jasper?
"Alice." He says the name reverently, almost dreamily. His smile widens. "Man, she was something else. She just grabbed Ben by the arm and demanded he let me go. And you should have seen this girl, she was scary. Little, but fucking scary. She was one of those goth types, you know? With the black hair and spikey necklaces?
"Well, she kept yelling out these threats like how she was going to rip the nails off of Cheney's fingers, but he just ignored her. So she kind of jumped up in the air and brought her foot down on his. She was wearing these really pointy black platform shoes. Anyway, he let me go, but she just kept coming at him. She kicked him right in the nut sack, had him cradled on the floor crying for his momma. Then she grabbed my hand, and we took off running. I was going to look for you, I swear, but I knew if I went back in there, Cheney would dice my ass up and shove it in a shoebox in the top of that closet. So Alice said she and a few of her friends were going downtown to a club, and that she needed a date because her ex-boyfriend was going to be there, so I—"
"You just left?" I cut in. "For all you knew, Newton was still torturing me!"
"I know!" he groans. "But I was scared. I'm sorry, man. Do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?"
I sigh. Okay, I probably would have left too. Cheney was a pretty scary guy—he was covered in hair like a Gorilla. I wave my hand for Jasper to go on.
"So, she drove me downtown, and we went to this club, but it was some underground thing. All dark and shit. And the crowd was weird. Alice kept handing me drinks and she was being all flirty and stuff and we were both getting pretty tipsy and one thing led to another…"
"You had sex with her?" I ask in disbelief.
"No," he says quickly. "I mean, we went back to her place and there was a lot of, uh, touching going on… But we didn't do that."
I raise my eyebrows.
"It's true," he insists. "Her dad's a minister. Alice hangs with a weird crowd, but she's not like that."
The way he refuses to say anything bad about her reminds me of how I always thought of Bella. She had an image, but I never believed that was who she really was. "I get it. But that doesn't explain where your pants went." Then I sniff the air again. "What the hell is that smell?" I ask as I roll the windows down another couple of inches.
His cheeks redden. "Well, I spent the weekend hanging out in her room with her. But I thought I should do things right, you know? Take her out on a date. So I asked her if she'd let me take her out for breakfast this morning."
"And?" I push.
"We were in that diner across the street, just eating, when this big buff guy walks up to us and starts shouting so loudly that the manager walked over and asked us to take it outside. It was Alice's ex. Anyway, they were fighting and shit and he just kept getting in my face, saying he was gonna kill me for touching her. She was trying to stand up for me, but he's a scary guy, dude. I think he was serious. I was trying to not start anything, but he was looking for a fight."
"So what happened? This still doesn't explain why you're naked."
"I'm getting to it," he mutters. "Turns out he was eating with a couple of his friends. They came out to see what happened, and then they decided to gang up on me. They attacked me, man. Pinned me down and stole my pants."
Holy crap. I gape at him. "And no one called the police?"
"Do you see any police cars?" he deadpans. "It was so quick. Then they threw me in the dumpster. That shit was nasty."
"I thought it smelled like a dumpster in here!"
"Sorry. Anyway, my cellphone fell out of my pocket, I guess, because I found it on the side walk after they left."
"And where's Alice?" I ask. "She just left you?"
"She agreed to go with her ex if he left me alone." His face turns pale. "That dude's not right in the head. I don't even know where they went."
I blink at him. "What are you going to do?"
Jasper shakes his head slowly. He looks more serious than I've ever seen him. "I don't know, man. I don't know."
Thank you for reading, as always. Let me know what you think.
Follow me on twitter at LifeInkognito for updates on my writing progress, teasers, and the occasional random comment.