"Mysterion Saves the Day...Twice"

I've read a lot of stories with Mysterion, because, as we all know, he kicks ass. But I've noticed a disturbing trend-and this happens in stories with and without OCs. In order to explain, I will write two versions of the following story. The first is the version that I've read over and over again. The second is the version that better reflects Mysterion's actual superhero role as laid out in "The Coon."

This is not an attack against any specific story. As I said, this same basic idea is used in many different stories by many different authors, and I thought it'd be fun to parody. I was right.


VERSION 1. Mysterion Fights Off a Rapist

It's a typical morning in South Park. The boys are standing at the bus stop when Charlie Pierzynski walks up to them, looking excited.

Charlie: Guys! Guys! You're never going to believe what happened last night.

Kenny: (You started putting out?)

Charlie: Nope. Better.

The boys glance at each other.

Kenny: (You started putting out in the butt?)

Charlie: Nope. Better.

Stan: What's better than putting out in the butt?

Charlie: Guys, last night, my life was saved... by Mysterion!

Cartman: You mean the fag with the underwear outside his pants?

Charlie: Shut up, Cartman! I'm trying to have a flashback!


The night before, Charlie walks through "the bad" part of rural, small-town South Park. Her eyes dart around nervously, because she knows that at least three convicted serial rapists prowl these streets. The air is thick and foggy, diminishing her visibility. To calm herself down, she starts to sing a song.

Charlie (singing): Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam; where the deer and the antelope play...

There is a rustling sound in a nearby alley. Charlie begins to walk and sing faster.

Charlie (singing): Where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the skies are not cloudy all day...

Suddenly, a large man darts out of the alley in front of her. She freezes where she stands. He speaks in the gravelly voice, the unmistakable voice of a dangerous pervert.

Rapist: What's a pretty little thing like you doing out here all alone tonight?

Charlie: N-n-nothing. I-I was just going home.

Rapist: Not anymore, sweetheart. [He smiles, revealing a mouth of decaying teeth.] You're coming with me. I haven't raped anyone as young and unspoilt as you since before my prison years.

Charlie screams and runs in the opposite direction, but she isn't quick enough. The rapist grabs her around the torso and starts to carry her off, when-

Rapist: OOOF!

Charlie suddenly falls to the ground. Surprised, she looks up to see that the 250 lb. rapist has been knocked square off his feet. Standing over him is the form of a ten-year-old boy. He grabs the rapist by the neck and puts him in a sleeper hold. Once the man is safely unconscious, the kid approaches Charlie. He wears a light purple uniform with a green letter "M" on the front, a dark cape and hood, gloves, and the tip of his hood is adorned with a green question mark on a spring. He extends a hand and helps Charlie to her feet.

Mysterion: It isn't safe around here at this time of night.

Charlie: ...I-I know you! You're that superhero, Mysterion!

Mysterion: Correct. Now follow me. I'll take you home.

The two walk away from the scene, where several different rapists have discovered the original rapist's unconscious body and attempt to drag it in toward their respective alley hideouts. Mysterion leads Charlie away from South Park's Dark-Alleys-Full-Of-Rapists district and back to the Marsh house.

Charlie: How do you know where I live?

Mysterion: That's not important. Now I must go to defend the honor of countless other girls in danger of being defiled.

Mysterion dashes away into the night.

Charlie (shouting after him): Thank you, Mysterion!


End of flashback. The group still stands at the bus stop. The boys are looking at Charlie.

Charlie: ...And that's how it happened.

Kyle: Wow. You got saved from being raped?

Charlie: Yep. Mysterion is my hero. [She sighs.] He's so dreamy...

Kenny: (That Mysterion guy sounds pretty cool. Almost as cool as putting out.)

Charlie: Too bad you aren't as cool as Mysterion, Kenny. I'd totally put out for him.


VERSION 2. Mysterion Offers Some Friendly Advice

It's a typical morning in South Park. The boys are standing at the bus stop when Charlie Pierzynski walks up to them, looking excited.

Charlie: Guys! Guys! You're never going to believe what happened last night.

Kenny: (You started putting out?)

Charlie: Nope. Better.

The boys glance at each other.

Kyle: You got adopted?

Charlie: Nope. Not that good.

Stan: What happened?

Charlie: Guys, last night, my life was saved... by Mysterion!

Cartman: You mean the fag with the underwear outside his pants?

Charlie: Shut up, Cartman! I'm trying to have a flashback!


Charlie walks down the street on a rainy evening. She carries an umbrella and walks close to the curb. She doesn't realize it, but she is walking at an angle, getting closer to the curb with every step. Suddenly, in a flash of black and purple, a kid-sized superhero runs up to her and grabs her arm. She yelps in surprise, then looks up at him. He gently pulls her to a safer location on the sidewalk.

Mysterion: Sorry to startle you.

Charlie: That's okay. [She suddenly recognizes him.] ...Hey, I know you. You're that Mysterion kid!

Mysterion nods solemnly.

Mysterion: I'm here to warn you of a grave danger. You were getting to close to the curb. With the rain, the sidewalk is kind of slick. If you aren't careful, you could slip and fall into the street.

Charlie looks over at the street, and suddenly a car comes speeding by, splashing them both with rainwater.

Charlie: Whoa... You saved my life!

Mysterion stares directly at her, then he runs away again. As he disappears, Charlie calls out after him.

Charlie: Thank you, Mysterion!


End of flashback. The group still stands at the bus stop. The boys are looking at Charlie.

Charlie: ...And that's how it happened.

Stan looks amused.

Stan: That's how Mysterion saved your life? By telling you to watch out for the curb? When you didn't even fall?

Charlie: But what if I had? And what if a car was coming when I fell? I'd have gotten crushed if it wasn't for Mysterion!

Kyle: I guess that's pretty cool.

Charlie: Yep. Mysterion is my hero. [She sighs.] He's so dreamy...

Kenny: (That Mysterion guy sounds pretty cool. Almost as cool as putting out.)

Charlie: Too bad you aren't as cool as Mysterion, Kenny. I'd totally put out for him.


So there you go. The two versions of Charlie being saved by Mysterion. Thanks for reading! I love my reviewers!