Disclaimer: All Final Fantasy Seven characters, places and situations are the property of Square Soft/Square Enix and are used without permission and without intent of plagiarism or profit. Copyright for all stories and original characters is with the author, and may not be published, copied, distributed or archived without the author's prior written consent.

(My first publicised fanfic ever, written in half an hour. I would have never guessed I'd be popping my writing cherry with this, so to speak... Race, I still don't know why your prompt hit me so hard. A petition for thinning out the population of bunnies cross-bred with The Hulk is hereby submitted... :)

"Wake up."

Cloud cracked open an eyelid and assessed his situation. The smoke and smells in the air stung his nasal passages. There was a dull, persistent ache lower down his spine and sticky coldness across his torso and legs, plus a light-sensitive headache strong enough to induce nausea. Had he gotten concussed and blacked out on a mission gone bad?

"I'm so glad. I wish I'd known sooner."

Someone was talking, which meant no one was actively trying to kill him (yet), so it was probably safe to sit up. Metal glinted against his hand when he tried to rub his eyes. Cloud stared at it. No rings on the sword hand, so instead SOLDIERs opted for other body decorations like earrings or tattoos. Why, then, did he have one on?

A cigar, and the face attached to it, came into view.

"The healthy-looking chickies who play hard-to-get tend to know what they're doing, but yeowza! You sure do know how to make a guy feel good! Couldn't let you get away after that. Never thought I'd be the marrying type, but I didn't know what I was missing before, eh? No wonder Mukki and his bubbies think you're something special. We must have made it official when the boys hauled one of my priests up to the table while they got your lady friends to help with redecorating you as the sushi platter, but most of last night is just one big blur. Except for you, of course."

Don Corneo leered so hard, the tattoo on his head was disappearing into the wrinkles.

"I brought you another of those Materia Martinis you like so much, pussy cat. Now give me a kiss and show me 'whatever YOU want, daddy' just the way you did last night for the camera, won't you, pretty Cloud?"

... *headdesk*

Edit: v1.2 - originally posted at clicheclub . LJ . com / 992 . html