If It's what you want
"I want to ask you a question."
I poured the hot water from the kettle into the two mugs. After putting the kettle down I turned around to see Lee's solemn face.
Lee had knocked on my door about five minutes ago. I knew as soon as I saw his face that this wasn't going to end with smiles. I guess I had anticipated it though. Sooner or later he would come looking for answers, and who was I, not to give him those answers after I'd hurt him?
"Ask away, Lee."
I grabbed the two steaming mugs off the countertop and went to place them on the coffee table before sitting opposite to Lee. He was sitting on the sofa while I chose to sit in the armchair. Was there enough room to sit next to him? Yes. Did I want to sit next to him? No. It's not like I hate Lee. I have no reason to. It's just easier this way, safer.
I wasn't surprised by his straight forward question. Lee was never really the type to beat around the bush. Like when he told me that I loved Todd and he awaited my confirmation. In a way, it frightens me. How he can be so bold even when it's difficult. I pondered over what to answer Lee's question with. But, it seems that I always came to the same conclusion. A simple question required a simple answer.
"Because I love him."
Lee's face contorted a little. If he wasn't blind, I'm quite sure that his eyes would be screaming volumes of pain and sadness. I'm sorry, Lee.
"I already know that. I need to know more. What about him makes you love him more than me? What characteristics does he have that I don't?"
I shifted a little in the armchair before reaching for my mug, which contents were still too hot to consume.
"I'm not going to answer that, Lee."
I sighed as I watched his hand curl up into a fist. Why was he making this harder for himself?
Swirling the liquid around in the mug, I made sure that my gaze didn't wonder anywhere near Lee's face.
"If I tell you exactly what I love about Todd then you may end up trying to be like him. You and Todd are two different people and I don't want to change any of you."
I could see him thinking. Almost as though the cogs were turning inside his head.
"It's for future reference. I want to know what girls like in a boy, so that if I find someone else that I love I won't have to lose them to somebody else."
I noticed the emphasis on the 'if' even as he spoke through gritted teeth. I wish he could find somebody else. Not because I want him to get off my back but because I want him to be happy. Lee really deserves it after all he's been through.
"Do you really think it's that easy? Girls have different preferences. It's not like we are programmed to like the same thing."
He sighed and picked up his mug. Lifting the mug to his lips, he drank painstakingly slowly. I couldn't help but think that Lee was dragging this time out. It's true that we haven't spoken since the war ended but this awkward atmosphere is suffocating me. And I really don't fancy dying from asphyxiation.
"I don't know why I came here."
Lee's voice was strained, as though he was holding back a river of tears. Guilt began to consume me as Lee stood up and staggered towards the door.
Shame overtook me as those brittle, meaningless words slipped through my lips. Why was I stupid enough to think that an apology could fix everything? I had hurt him. And seeing him standing right here before me, shoulders slumped and an air of misery looming over him, I'd only just realised how much.
Lee whispered my name and he turned to face me. My breath caught in my throat as his fingers brushed against my cheek. Warm yet cautious. Familiar yet distant.
He did not speak again and allowed his hand to drop to his side. Turning on his heel, he walked to the door and opened it. He stopped, as though to say something, but he decided against it and carried on out into the bitter cold morning.
I followed him.
"Be happy, Lee." I whispered to his retreating back.
Expecting no answer, I stepped back inside the house. Just before I went to close the door, his reply rang back to my ears.
"If it's what you want."
A/N: Hi :) A story like this is quite unusual for me to write as it's out of my comfort zone. Especially considering that Lee's not exactly my favourite character :/ I'm sorry if the story isn't very good and the characters are a bit OOC. Anyway, I dedicate this story to my rather strange friend mockingjay15 because she likes Lee. A lot.