This story is dedicated to the members of SMUTT. You may be a member and not even know it. See my ffn profile for details.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns not only Twilight, but my undying gratitude. Without her, I would not have met so many wonderfully pervy ladies to call my friends. Thank you Stephenie! *mwah*

"Cathy's breath became heaving and uncontrolled, just like her breasts. Heathcliff could no longer control his man meat as he pressed himself hard into Cathy's leg, rutting like a dog in heat. Heathcliff slowly moved his hand from around Cathy's waist to her mounds of joy, circling her aching love buttons with his fingers. He grabbed the top of her corset and pulled down harshly, overcome with lust. 'I have to taste your pink, pebbled nubbins!' he cried, his voice rough with passion. Heathcliff's mouth descended on Cathy's buds, already hardened with desire."

What the…? Seriously? I've been waiting months for this update and I get these cheesy euphemisms? I'm so stunned by how awful this lemon is that I have to stop reading for a moment just to process it all.

"Mom... Mom…MOM!" The whining teenage voice of my daughter rings through the house.

"Ugh! What do you want, Renesmee? Can't you see I'm reading one of my stories?" I swear I don't get a moment's peace with that girl.

"How can you even read that crap, Mom? It's like, not even the same story as the original? What's the point?" she asks in a petulant tone—which grates on my nerves—with her hands on her hips.

I guess I should be thankful that she doesn't quite understand what a fic addict her mother is. Perhaps I need to explain it.

"There is no point, Renesmee. I do this for fun. I do this to escape," and get turned on. "It's called an obsession and I'm perfectly happy wallowing in it. Now if you could please just give me a few more minutes I can finish reading this update and I'll throw something together for dinner." Doesn't she realize that this is the moment? Chapters and chapters of UST and finally, FINALLY, they're together! If I can just get through this, I know I'll have at least enough time to make a quick meal.

Oh, who's kidding who? I'll just cook by phone and order a pizza.

"Whatever," Renesmee says, as she rolls her eyes and walks away. Apparently she's as fed up with me as I am with her. Maybe I am reading too much fanfiction. Am I being a shitty mom? Is there a support group for this?

As I mull that over, I eagerly return to the story before I get interrupted again.

"Cathy panted with want, forgetting all thoughts of Edgar. Putting aside their commitments and all of the outside world, Cathy was solely focused on Heathcliff: his musky smell, his manly taste, the feel of his fingers as they moved down to her apex of love. As the center of her aching, weeping petals began to swell and bloom, Heathcliff's digits started to move on her slippery love knob, bringing Cathy to the pinnacle of passion. Her breathy voice matched her panting gasps. 'Oh Heath! I feel it! I feel my passion wanting to explode out of my love cave!' Heathcliff removed his fingers and pressed his turgid manhood between her thighs and into her hump box. They both sighed as Heath's massive cock filled Cathy to the hilt."

As I read this long awaited lemon, I wonder if I'm supposed to be turned on or laughing. How can someone who writes such a great story write such a crappy love scene? Weeping petals? Turgid manhood? Really?!

I feel a slight tingle and then warm lips on my neck. Mmmm. Like my own private Heathcliff, but way better. A smile spreads across my face.

"Hello, love. I missed you," Edward says as he returns my smile. I notice the small lines around his beautiful green eyes and the slight gray at his temples. I swear he gets better looking every day. It's so unfair! It's also hard to believe we've been married for almost 20 years. He truly is my soul mate.

As Edward leans over and begins to kiss me deeply, an overpowering, noxious odor assaults me.

"For the love of God, what did you eat for lunch?" I practically gag to get the words out.

"Um, venison. Why?" he asks innocently.

"Venison? Just venison?"

"And mountain lion."

"What?!" That can't be right, can it?

Chuckling, he says "Joking. I'm joking, sweetheart. No mountain lion. Besides, I think they're a protected species. Seriously though, you know that last hunting trip I went on and I got that huge buck?"

"Uh huh." Where is this going?

"Well, I gave some of the meat to Joe at work and his wife has an amazing garlic marinade. He brought some into the office. I guess it stuck with me, huh?" Edward's expression is so contrite, I want to kiss him, but then I think better of it.

"Yeah, something like that. Please, I beg you, just brush your teeth. I love kissing you, but, ugh! Please?" I plead.

"Anything for you, Bella," he says with a wink. "But when I come back all minty fresh, you better watch out," and he shoots me that lopsided grin that makes me fall in love with him all over again.

"Mooooooooooooom," Renesmee shouts from the living room. "When are we having dinner?"

Ugh, I'm never going to finish reading this damn update, am I?

"Soon, honey. Whenever the pizza guy gets here. I think it's free if it takes longer than 30 minutes though," I yell back. Do they even do that anymore? I pick up the phone, order a pizza, and get back to reading once again.

As the lovers rocked to a rhythm only they could hear, their passion grew, careening them towards powerful, simultaneous orgasms. As they remained basking in the afterglow of their lovemaking, Cathy and Heathcliff knew that no matter what, this is where they were always meant to be...Wrapped up in each other's arms.

A/N I want to thank ellisbellsababe for her amazing beta work. I also want to thank the Bronte Bitches for your love, support and wicked pre-reading skills.

At least that ending wasn't so bad. Why can't real life be like that? It's so passionate and just…completely unrealistic, that's what it is. But maybe that's why I read it. I don't know. I have a good life; an adoring, sexy husband and a great, though sometimes temperamental, daughter. My life is good. Really good. But I think that sometimes the fantasy would be so much better.

I'm so caught up in my thoughts, I jump when I hear the doorbell ring.

At least my family likes pizza. I still feel a little guilty for not having prepared a meal myself, but there's not much I can do about that now.

While I'm cleaning up after dinner, Renesmee approaches me. She looks at me with that expression that says, "Oh please mom, please, please, please?" It's what the please is for that has me worried.

"What?" I quirk my eyebrow in hopes that my daughter will recognize my automatic skepticism.

"Um, Mom. My favorite, most awesome, Mom. Would it be okay if maybe Jake and I went out for a little while?"

I slump my shoulders at the transparency of Renesmee's request. "I'm your only mom, so cut the crap with being your favorite. As for going out, no. It's a school night for both you and your boyfriend. You know that. I don't even know why you're asking."

"But, Moooooooom. I've done all my homework, it's still light out, and it will start to get colder and darker earlier pretty soon. Can't we just go out on a school night this one time? I promise I won't ask you again! Please? Please? Please?"

Yeah, right, she won't ask me again. Ha! But it would give Edward and me a little alone time. Hmm...

I finally relent. "Okay, fine, but you tell Jacob that he better have you back here by 9:00 sharp and no arguing. If you come home late, you're grounded. Got it?"

"How about 10:00?"

"How about 8:30?" I know how to play this game too.

"Ugh! Fine! 9:00," she whines.

Crossing my arms, I shake my head and wonder how my daughter became so sassy. "You're welcome," I say, the frustration evident in my voice.

My daughter glares at my sarcastic tone and then smiles dramatically. "Thanks, Mom. I love you. See ya later!"

I smirk at her theatrics but say "I love you too, sweetie! Be safe!" as she's running out the door. She really is a good kid.

Hey, wait just a slippery second! Does that mean Jake was already here? She's a sneaky one. Yet I don't even care about being played because now I've got the house and my husband to myself.

In retrospect, maybe I should have given her until ten.

As I sulk over my lack of foresight and collapse on the couch to watch some TV, Edward plops down next me and starts to nuzzle my neck. He's changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants and reminds me of the teenager that first stole my heart.

"I see our daughter has left the building. Does that mean we have the house to ourselves for a whole—" He looks at the clock. "—hour and a half?"

"Yup," I reply coyly, popping my p with some excitement.

"I can work with that. And work with it, and work with it…" he trails off, as he starts unbuttoning my blouse and kissing my neck.

If this is work, I hope he never retires.

His lips, warm and familiar, travel from the middle of my neck and back up to behind my ear. His kisses are long and languid. It seems like forever since we could enjoy unhurried lovemaking. Although this is familiar and not the urgent frenzy of new love, it is no less intense. In fact, those lips that I have kissed and been kissed by thousands, maybe even millions of times, still stir my desire until I'm breathless with want for him.

No longer satisfied with keeping my hands idle, I reach up to the nape of Edward's neck and grip handfuls of his soft hair. I love knowing that we still feel this passion for each other. I moan as he rubs my nipples over my shirt, feeling them tighten at his touch. As Edward's mouth travels down towards my breasts, he peppers kisses down my chest where my shirt is now completely open.

My bra is simple white cotton, but it doesn't matter. Sexy lingerie is fine for special occasions, but this is us. Every day. Simple and comfortable. And still so in love. I watch as Edward pulls one cup down and covers my nipple with his warm mouth, sucking and licking while he moans his own pleasure. I reach around and unhook my bra and Edward looks at me with love and desire evident in his eyes.

No words are needed. With small, knowing smiles, I pull Edward's shirt over his head and he gently takes off my shirt and bra. When Edward pulls me to him, I can feel his warm chest and light smattering of chest hair against my breasts. Again, it's familiar, but also erotic. This is where I was meant to be. This is the man that will always love me and that I will always love. As parents, it is rare that we ever share our lovemaking outside of the bedroom, but tonight we know that we can revel in each other, unplanned and carefree.

"I love you so much," I say with all the emotion in my heart, bursting to be heard.

"I love you so mucher," he replies playfully, but with as much truth and feeling as my words.

As if a switch has been flicked, Edward's mouth is on mine hungrily. The sound of our kissing is loud and passionate and makes me wet just knowing what is going to happen. Our hands are grabbing at each other, desperately wanting to feel every inch of skin connect. With a swiftness I didn't realize Edward was still capable of, he takes my yoga pants and panties off and throws them on the floor. He pulls me down almost roughly and looks at me like a man possessed.

"I want to taste you so badly, Bella," he says in a low voice dripping with his hunger. I almost didn't recognize it. I want to hear it more often, damn it!

"Oh, God!" I exclaim. Just hearing him so filled with want makes me wetter and writhing for his mouth on me. This isn't part of our "usual" routine. Not that I'm complaining, it's just unexpected.

And very welcome.

Keeping his eyes on me, Edward slowly moves down so his mouth is level with my pussy. I am literally throbbing for him and when his tongue makes a slow sweep between my lips, I groan in a way that I've never heard outside of a porn movie. Is this really happening? Why don't we do this more often?

Edward licks and sucks on me, wrapping his lips on my clit, teasing it with his tongue. I haven't felt this much pleasure in a long time, and I bask in it.

"Bella, love, I swear if I could feast on you all day, I would." Again, his voice and words make my desire increase tenfold. I'm going to come so hard and so fast, it's making me lightheaded. I feel my insides tighten and my pussy tingle as Edward continues his assault with his mouth.

"Edward," I pant. "Oh love, I'm gonna come. Oh my…oh…" and suddenly I explode with pleasure. I feel like I literally burst with passion. My whole body is buzzing.



"What? Huh?" Suddenly I'm no longer on the couch, but in our bedroom, gazing at the forest outside.

"Bella, love. Where were you? You've been looking out that window, stock still for half an hour. If there were any humans around they would surely know that you're different."

"I think we've already established I'm not your typical vampire, Edward. I wasn't a normal human," I say with air quotes. "Why would I be a normal vampire?" I chuckle.

Edward looks at me and his expression changes. His warm, amber eyes are suddenly black with passion. "Bella, what were you thinking about? Is that…? Oh my Go – I can smell your arousal."

I look at him with a knowing smile.

"What I wouldn't give to be able to hear what's going on in that beautiful head of yours," Edward says for probably the millionth time, now burying his head between my neck and shoulder.

And while I know that I can pull back my shield and let him see my thoughts, some things are better kept to myself.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you, sweetheart. It's almost too ridiculous for fiction."

A/N: For those SMUTT members, past, present and future, this story salutes you!

The Wuthering Heights lemon was inspired by "FAP" by 107YearOldVirgin. If you haven't read her story, you really should. It's hilarious!

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, apparently it also takes one to write a one-shot. As this is my first story, I now realize that I have a ton of people to thank. Sorry that this a/n may end up exceeding the length of the story.

Many, many thanks to my amazing pre-readers, kikki7 and Gothic Temptress. Thank you both for holding my hand and walking me through this process. You made it a lot less terrifying and this story wouldn't have made it past my hard drive if it weren't for your ideas and encouragement.

To sabriel017 for her great beta skills and general awesomeness. Your support has helped me immensely and I just wish you didn't live in the future so I could give you a massive hug in person!

To Amydee/AHoboDarnell and the rest of the Lemon H00rs: Lux123, PaulineAH and latuacantante4him. You ladies gave me the courage to post this puppy and I am forever grateful. You rock my world!

I also want to thank Lux123 for the fabulous SMUTT certificate and Tkegl for the fantastic banner for this story, which was donated by Amy. Your creativity and hard work astounds me! Truly! Links for both can be found on my profile.

And for all my friends that I've met through Twific, I am so glad that I found this fandom. Although I obviously love the stories, it's all of you that keep me talking about them. Let's techverse 'til the cows come home. ;)