Irken Hangover

I do not own IZ, The Hangover, Buzz Lightyear and any related material, or the characters Nick Gray and Darithil.

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Xxx

"Alright, so we have...coupons from Schloogar's," Dib said as he sorted through a pile of objects on the table in the diner the trio had stopped in. "A pair of sun glasses," He examined them and saw something on one of the arms of the shades. "Belonging to one 'Skloo'garata'."

"And...what is this?" Skoodge pulled a big, pink rubber object out of his pocket.

"Ew!" Dib and Carlos said at the same time.

"Skoodge get rid of that, it might have something infectious on it!" Dib said.

"Why? What is it?" Skoodge said, examining the dildo. "And why is it shaped like a human's-"

Xxx

Earth

"Dick! Hey Dick!"

"It's Rick, damn it! And no the transmitter is not working!" A human technician shouted down at Zim from the transmission tower. "Can you learn some patience?"

"I am patient; it's Skullene who's throwing a hissy fit!" Zim called back up.

"I AM NOT THROWING A HISSYFIT DAD!" Skullene shouted from inside. "I'M JUST WORRIED ABOUT SHEN!"

"And throttling Loe at the same time!" Lok laughed.

"I just needed a stress relief!" Skullene snapped as she walked out, dragging Loe by the neck as he slowly turned a darker shade of green, unable to breathe and feeling like his head would explode.

"I once again bring up the possibility that the almighty Zim's widdle angel is preggers!" Zim said...dramatically.

"Oh and just because I'm mad I'm pregnant?" Skullene hissed. "In that case I'm having triplets dad because I am pissed! Where is my second stress reliever?"

At this Lok stopped laughing and made a run for it.

"Get back here you son of a-"

Xxx

Las Vegia

"GUN! HE'S GOT A GUN!" Aliens fled the diner as Skoodge pulled a handgun from his pockets while searching for clues to Shen's whereabouts.

"Oh man! We gotta go before the cops or Star Command shows up!" Dib said, getting up and dropping some monies on the table.

"Cheese it!" Carlos shouted before smashing his way out through the window next to their table.

"Good idea!" Skoodge got up.

"Wait!" Dib stopped the Irken from jumping. "It seems he's forgotten that we're on the 92nd floor."

Skoodge paled as he realized the fatal mistake he had been about to make. "Why did they put a diner up in a building so tall anyways?"

"It's your crazy speciies Skoodge, not mine, now let's take the elevator!"

Xxx

"Okay, so we have coupons from a restaurant, a pair of sun glasses, a dildo, a gun," Dib paused as he found something else in his pockets as he and Skoodge descended in the elevator. "Hey...a camera!" He held up an Irken made camera. "Maybe it can tell us where we were last night!"

They rushed out of the elevator, through the lobby, and found Carlos with his head literally stuck into the top of a transport ship labelled Irken Supreme Safety Helmets.

"Talk about irony!" Skoodge said as they pulled Carlos out and found a helmet stuck on his head.

"Wow...I feel like I have a headache, yet my head feels comfy and safe!" Carlos said as he pushed the visor on the helmet up away from his face.

"Well come on then Daredevil let's get out of here!" Dib insisted as a Star Command cruiser began its approach.

"Right-o! We're off!" Carlos had his bat like wings for and snatched both Skoodge and Dib off the ground, taking flight with an evil laugh.

"Holy crap..." A robot on the cruiser stared through the canopy at the flying creature. The robot had tank tracks for feet, and a short round body with a floating golden cylinder of a head with yellow eyes encased in a glass dome on the top of the body. "Are you guys seeing this?"

"No, and neither are you so arm the stun cannons!" A man with a large chin and sitting in the Captain's chair snapped.

"You got it boss!" The robot then fired the stun cannons.

"Wait XR that's the-" A blue skinned female alien with red hair started before XR accidently blew a hole in a nearby building after missing the fugitives.

"Uh...sorry!" The robot hastily corrected his weapons selection and fired a blue beam that struck Carlos, Skoodge and Dib. They all went limp and plummeted towards the planet before a tractor beam pulled them into the ship.

"Heh, that'll show the scum to never steal from Star Command," The Captain chuckled. "Cart them off to the orbital command."

Xxx

Five...minutes...later

Carlos sat up, yawning as he stretched. "Aw man that was a nice nap." He looked around the cell that he, Dib and Skoodge were in. "...aw son of a-"

Xxx

Earth

"I think it's working now!" Rick called from the top of the transmitter. "Try it!"

"Okay! But if it connects me to Panda Express again I'll eat your face to go along with my 17th order!" Zim replied before he dialled Carlos' comm. number in his PAK communicator.

Xxx

Las Vegia

Carlos answered his phone. "Carlos' Castration Services, who will we be 'snipping' for you today?"

"Carlos you moron!"

"ZIM!" Carlos leaped to his feet, causing Dib and Skoodge to wake up. "Uh...hey Zimmy!"

"Carlos, tell me that nothing has gone wrong."

"Nothing has gone wrong," Carlos replied without hesitation.

"Okay, now say that three times very fast!"

"Nothing'swrong nothing'swrong nothing'swrong!" Carlos said quickly.

"Good. Now tell me how the vacation has been. Is Zim's widdle angel's hubby ready to come home soon?"

"Yeah!" Carlos replied eagerly. "Yes, in fact he's already packed all but the essentials. He really can't wait to see Skully again!" He looked to Dib and Skoodge who gestured desperately, mouthing words. "And...We'll arrive right when we're supposed to!"

"Good, now can you tell me if-WAUGH!" Carlos heard struggling and shouting on the other end before Skullene spoke into the communicator.

"Carlos put Shen on!" She whined. "I miss him!"

"Zim stands by the pregnancy theory!" Zim shouted.

"Uh...I can't."

"Why not? Pwease?" Skullene whined like a little girl.

"Because he's...sleeping! He had a very long night and he was up practicing his vows," Carlos replied. "In fact the only time he slept was when I cooked breakfast!"

"Aw...so sweet," Skullene cooed. "Tell him I said to get lots of rest and that I love him."

"And I'm sure he'll tell me to say 'I love you too'."

"Well I'll say 'I love you more!'"

"And he'll say 'No, I love you more!'"

"And I'll say 'No, I love you more!'"

"No, I love you more!" Carlos now spoke with the same tone Shen and Skullene-and pretty much any crazy love couple used for gooey affectionate scenes.

"No, I love YOU more!"

"No, I love YOU more!"

"I love YOU more!"

"I so love you more!"

"Uh...Carlos?"

"Silence Dib! I'm speaking to the love of my life here!" Carlos snapped. "Gotta go muffin cake, bye!" He hang up before realizing what had just happened. "Aww fffff-man I wanna swear so badly, but it's a rated K story!"

"Actually it's rated T."

"Really? Well I still can't drop an F bomb so...Aww crap!" Carlos groaned. "Shen, Skullene, and Zim will kill me for that!"

Slowly the camera view panned out, showing that several figures stood behind the one way mirror, plotting, whispering...

"Hey, who the hell are those guys?" Carlos pointed at the screen.

"What? He can see us? Oh crap, down!" The figures scattered. "Louise, I told you to set the one way mirror to hide us!"

"Sorry boss!"

The mirror then showed a reflection of the cell interior instead of the observation room.

"...well that was interesting," Dib said, concerned for the discipline of the galactic peacekeepers.

Suddenly the door opened, and Captain Buzz Lightyear himself, the very captain who had captured the three marched in as a table and seats popped out of the floor. Another officer came in, this one the blue skinned woman.

"Alright boys just take a seat," She said with a smile. "We'll get this sorted and have you in court in a few days."

"Wait, you don't understand there's an emergency!" Dib said. "And if we don't fix it then the whole galaxy will be plunged back into war between the Irkens and the Vortians!"

"...we literally heard that before," The woman said, biting her lower lip. "Sorry fellas."

Suddenly the man flipped open his left gauntlet. "Log, interrogation has begun. Subjects are an Irken who is grossly overweight and short-"

"Hey!" Skoodge whined, his eyes watering.

"A humanoid with oddly shaped hair and an abnormally sized head that is perhaps evidence of genetic deformities among the species."

"My head isn't big! Look at your CHIN!" Dib snapped. "I think it just grew!"

"And what appears to be a selectively bred mutant capable of flight and sustaining large amounts of damage, perhaps a rather pitiful attempt at creating a more advanced hybrid subspecies," The man droned on.

Carlos growled, his eyes glowing as smoke literally came from his nostrils. His teeth were clenched and extra sharp now while his tail whipped back and forth.

"Uh...Buzz is this a good time?" The blue skinned woman asked nervously.

"All three express violent and primitive behaviours, evidence of a depraved and slothful culture," Buzz kept going. "I shall do my best to show compassion to such lawless people, though I fear any sympathy may have come far too late."

"Is this guy even listening to us?" Dib demanded, looking at the red headed alien.

"Uh...sadly I don't think so," She face palmed herself right in the forehead, wishing she had gotten another job.

"I think that Nick guy warned us about this guy," Skoodge sniffed, wiping his eyes after Buzz went on to criticize his eye colour next. "Captain Lightyear, one of the top guns around here, and known for long winded speeches."

"Good...can I kill him?" Carlos asked.

"Carlos, no, he's a cop." Dib said firmly. "And we have to show respect and integrity if we want to get out and find Shen, maybe they can even help us!"

"Wait, Shen? Shen Baron?" The alien woman's eyes widened. "The one to wed the Irken Princess in a few days?"

"Yes!" Dib nodded. "I'm Dibbun Membrane of Earth, this is Skoodge and-"

"I am The Carlos; at your service, m'lady," Carlos kissed her hand and released it as she blushed darker blue a bit.

"Further attempts at communication have only resulted in a show of sexual obsession with my partner," Buzz was still recording! "And unfortunately she seems to have given in."

"We were sent here with him from Earth to get away from the Irkens and Vortians pressuring him and Skullene to follow some old traditional wedding styles that involved self mutilation," Skoodge explained. "We showed up here, went to the roof of Splor's Palace and shared a few drinks, after that I don't know what happened but that was five days ago and he wasn't anywhere when we woke up!"

"They have finally begun to provide details to their reasons for disturbing the peace: it appears they were all easily intoxicated by alcoholic beverages," Buzz monotone his way through the conversation. "Proof that Irkens are the universe's light weights along with Terrans."

"We need to find him!" Dib pleaded. "Not only will Tallest Zim bombard this planet to find him, but the Irkens and Vortians will go to war again!"

"Oh man I knew I recognized you three!" The woman stood up. "From Kill Zim! Alright, I believe you, this is a serious issue."

"And now it appears that the revelation of the celebrity status of the three accused has drawn inappropriate favouritism from my partner," Buzz frowned. "I will be sure to record this for later."

"Seriously, can I please kill him?" Carlos persisted.

"No!" Dib and Skoodge snapped at the same time.

"Buzz this is a serious issue!" The woman said. "If Shen Baron is missing the Irken Armada and the Vortian Fleet of War will be on the move to here in a few days!"

"Overcome by the incredible and suspicious story of the prisoners, my partner has slowly begun to cave under pressure," Buzz continued, as if ignoring the issue. "I shall take steps to make sure she is never coerced to pity such scum again-"

THUNKA-THUD! Carlos leaped over the table and tackled Buzz. "I'm gonna rip that glove off and shove it in your mouth and rip your guts out and make them into a milkshake that will bring all the boys to the yard!" (I'd like to thank ngrey651 for that one.)

Xxx

"It sure was nice of her to point us to that repair shop!" Dib said as he, Skoodge and Carlos flew in Zim's royal cruiser, which was no completely fixed. Skoodge was looking at the logs and security footage to see if they had tried to use it during the past few days.

"Well it looks like we tried to use it a little after those drinks, but then left...and came back with that Star Command ship!" Skoodge groaned. "Man I can't believe we stole a law enforcement cruiser."

Carlos chuckled. "We're livin' the life Skoodge! All we gotta do is find out where Shen is. One Vortian can't be that hard to find, and he's a Pirate, he can hold his own."

"Not if he runs into..." Skoodge paled. "A ninja!"

DUN-DUN-DUNNNN!

"...Meh," Carlos shrugged. "Alright so what else did she tell us?"

"Well she said that there's an Irken named Skloo over in the Upper Districts," Dib was reading a data file the woman had given them. "I have the address, let's go there and see if Skloo knows where Shen is."

"Right-o!"

Xxx

A half hour later the ship landed in an apartment complex that stretched up into the sky. Getting out, they passed through seemingly endless hall ways and stair wells until they reached a room on one of the upper floors. They all exchanged a look and then Carlos slowly reached out...

Hisss!

And knocked Dest right between the eyes as he opened the door. The Irken growled and grabbed Carlos, who yelped as he was slammed head first into the ceiling. Reacting, the demon boy kicked Dest in the chin while Skoodge tackled Dest into the room. Dib and Carlos ran to his aid...only to have a doze nguns locked on them!

"Uh oh..." Dib whispered as he took in the sight of a lot of female Irkens holding guns. They all wore tight clothing or an assortment of skirts and sleeveless tops that exposed their mid riffs. They were gathered around one large red eyed Irken wearing fancy clothes and with golden rings on his hands. He made Skoodge look slim!

"So...you sons of bitches come back to me...and have the balls to raid my home?" The fat Irken growled. "I oughta kill you all right now...but if you give it back to me now, I will spare you."

"Give what back?" Dib demanded. "Your hit man there wouldn't tell us anything! He just kept beating on us and chasing us!"

The Irken known as Skloo stood up, snarling. "I. Want. My. Sun glasses!"

...

"Oh, here yah go!" Carlos held them out.

"...oh, thanks." Skloo took them and put them on. "Ah...the natural balance is restored...now get out of my home!"

"Wait!" Carlos shouted as the Irken girls moved in to shove them out. "We have to ask you something."

"Do you have experience with cracking vault doors or scaling walls?" Skloo suddenly asked.

"What?"

"Don't you want a job? That's what they all want!" The fat Irken waved one hand. "All these poor bums always come to me asking for a job, but can they provide? No!"

"Actually we just want to know what's happened for the past few days," Dib said. "You see, five days ago we were drugged, and we lost our friend-"

"Oh yeah! Shen! That Vortian guy." Skloo nodded, grinning. "Vel'ra can't get over him, can you Vel'ra?" A pink eyed Irken girl blushed and looked away.

"He was so polite," She said meekly. "He called us all beautiful roses he wished he could make a garden for so we could flourish. His family must be very proud of him."

"Sounds like Shen," Carlos nodded. "Shen on drugs anyways. And yep, his fiancée is very proud of him and I hope him being drugged up and hitting on a lot of hot alien women won't ruin their wedding."

"We met you guys at the hospital two days ago!" Skloo said. "You brought in the fat one there for a butt related injury?"

"Huh?" Skoodge placed a hand on his butt. "Ow..I feel a scar!" He began to cry. "My beautiful ass!"

"Aw..." Several women cooed and hugged Skoodge as he cried.

"He is so adorable," One said.

"Cheer up little fella," Another said, wiping his tears away.

Carlos rolled his eyes. "Ok...so we were at that hospital just a few blocks over?"

"Yeah, then Big Head there started waving around a lot of monies he said he won over at some casino," Skloo said. "I think it was the Venira Fantasies casino."

"Awesome! Maybe they found whatever drugged us!" Dib said.

"And maybe we can win a whole lot of cash if you go to the casino!" Carlos grinned.

"Score!" They both said at once.

"Alrighty then seeing as you gave me my super cool shades back, I won't send Dest after you anymore," Skloo said as Dest growled viciously. "But still, get out of my home, you make my IQ drop by proximity, along with my sanity."

"Right-o, thanks Don Skloo!" Carlos said as the trio left.

Xxx

"Ok...man this place is big," Dib looked around as the group got out of their ship and entered the massive Venira Fantasies Casino. Just as the name said, it was owned and run by Venirans, who had re-established their Empire and were making sure Venira-formerly the Gladiator Planet would remain safe against future invasions. Then again nobody wanted to mess with hundreds of millions of angry Venirans who had just gotten their hoe back after centuries of slavery, seeing as they were known as the only race that could at one point take the Irken Empire on even grounds...until the Massive was built.

"Welcome to Veniran Fantasies," A Veniran, large and muscular like most of his species said in a voice that was too deep and rugged to fit the occupation. "May I help you-" He paused as he held the door open for the three. "By Vishiva! Three of the Great Saviours-"

"SH!" Dib covered his mouth. "Listen to me, we have a problem and we need you to keep quiet about it, okay?" The Veniran nodded. "Good...now, we need to know where to find security footages of the casino interior. We need to know when we were here last night and what we did."

The Veniran nodded as Dib removed his hand. "I can point you in the direction, but not even all of the Great Saviours combined would be allowed into the security center." The 'Great Saviours' was a title given to Zim and his comrades who had helped in liberating the Venirans, something the former slaves never forgot.

"Don't worry," Carlos smirked, cracking his knuckles. "I'll handle any problems we have."

Xxx

"Oh man I know that guy," Skoodge swallowed as he, Dib and Carlos knelt behind a corner, watching a very tall, battle scarred Veniran who did not wear a black and red uniform like the Venirans who worked at the casino. This one made Credaran-their old friend and current Emperor of the Venirans look like an insect! He could pick Credaran up by the waist with one hand! He was almost half as tall as a telephone pole!

"He's the champion fighter from Veniran Violence, one of Red's old reality shows," Skoodge said. "He's killed lots of bad asses, ass kickers, ass kissers and-"

"We know, all sorts of asses," Carlos shook his head. "Man that joke is really being overused." He stood up. "Well it's time for me to handle this. The bigger they are, the harder they fall."

"Wait...that's not the one I was talking about," Skoodge said. "The Champion is right behind that one."

"Wha?" Carlos and Dib glanced around the massive Veniran...

And saw a Veniran who looked grossly underdeveloped, barely reaching Carlos' neck. He and Dib exchanged a grin before the demon boy strolled forward confidently.

"Halt," The larger Veniran growled.

"Sirs, I and my companions are facing a crisis of unparalleled proportions," Carlos said. "I need your access cards so I can get into that office."

"And why should we give them to you? Huh?" the large one growled while the small one raised an eyebrow.

"Because if you do not, then I shall be forced to engage you both in combat, Kung-Fu style," Carlos replied in his 'Sherlock Holmes-esque' voice.

"I see..." The smaller one nodded. "Stand down Mongo."

"Yes sir," The larger one snapped a salute.

"Shall we take this outside strange bipedal creature with equally strange but oddly fashionable fur on his head?" The small Veniran asked.

"Oh, you noticed? Why thank you! And yes, let us take this outside," Carlos and the small Veniran walked towards the nearest exit as Dib and Skoodge stared.

"What are they doing?" Skoodge asked.

"I think they're gonna duel," Dib shrugged.

"After you," The Veniran said as he held the door open.

"Oh, why thank you." Carlos nodded and stepped through, the Veniran following after him.

Dib smiled and turned to Skoodge. "He'll have those keys in five-" He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned...

To see Carlos, with a trash can shoved over his upper body and with his hands just sticking out from under the rim of the cylindrical container.

"Carlos? What happened?" Dib asked.

Immediately Carlos began to tap on the outside of the trash can with his fingers, using morse code.

"He says...That...guy...knows...his...Karate..." Dib translated. "But..on...the...bright...side...I...got...the keys! Yes! Where are they?" Carlos resumed his tapping. "Between...my...teeth..." Dib sighed. "Crap."

He and Skoodge tried for several minutes to pull the trashcan off of Carlos, but it seemed to be super glued to him! Finally they gave up, releasing the trash can and gasping for breath. Dib straightened his glasses, thinking until he had one idea...

He looked to Skoodge. "We both know the answer to this."

Skoodge nodded. "...to the hardware store!" He struck a dramatic pose before he accidently knocked Carlos over, causing the demon boy to go rolling down the hall thanks to his new trash can.

"Hang on Carlos, we're coming!" Dib shouted before chasing after him with Skoodge. "Man this day is a little too exciting for me!"

Xxx

"So you'll check around for them then?" Nick asked.

"Yeah don't worry yerself there Nick," A voice with a familiar southern drawl replied. "I heard about them from Skloo a few minutes ago when I was making a delivery."

"Skloo? Why would they go near that guy?" Nick blinked, confused.

"Well he wouldn't tell me is the problem here, he said it's a big secret. I'm tryin' to get him drunk enough to spill but so far all he's spilt is vomit and piss."

"I really didnt't have to know that," Nick shuddered. "Just find them for me, please."

"You got it buddy! I'll track them down or my name ain't Qucik Shot Rikalo!" With that, Nick's mercenary friend from Las Vegia hung up, leaving the communications officer extremely confused while he pondered just what was happening with Shen and the boys...

Then he was pretty sure it was Carlos' fault based off of what he knew about the demonic boy, the prince of madness, the child of chaos incarnate...

Yep, Carlos' fault.

Stupid, stupid Carlos.

Xxx

End of Chapter!