AN: Hey guys! So, it's almost 4am, and I wrote this in about an hour because I was obsessively checking the lyrics for this trying to get an understanding of it. It's based off the song 'Haitoku no Hana' from Hitoshizuku-P and Yama△. I didn't run this through a beta or anything, and I never like reading my own stuff, and it's late. Everything in italics is direct lyrics, though there is some from the body text that is pretty much me rephrasing the lyrics. I got the lyrics from Vocalochu (motokokusanagi2009 or just Motoko). Please enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Vocaloid and Haitoku no Hana belong to their rightful owners.
Out of Season
How could I let this happen to me? How did I let my commanding officer drag me to this place? However, I was fine with it at first. I mean, to be honest, I wanted time to unwind and let myself go in this district, no matter how incredibly illegal this way. But I should have known, with the first sip of the alcohol, that this was an incredibly bad idea. Sure, the commander was alright with us doing this, but I didn't feel right. I was an officer; I couldn't just break the law without cause. But I did it anyways, thinking myself above the law at the time. How I know right now how wrong I was, and how I was paying the price for it now.
I didn't care about others, but now that I know what it is like to care, I feel like my heart is ripping into shreds as I fight my feelings for that I know is right. I was curious, at the time. I was foolish, plucking that flower without knowing the consequences for my actions. However, I am paying for it right now. I know how much I love her now, but she will never know my true feelings. Not if I can help it. I will drown myself in sorrow if only to bury these forbidden thoughts. I had inhaled the poison and I was paying the price – hard. I didn't know what to do. I still don't, not even a semblance of myself from back then did I remember.
Why – why did he have to bring me to the red light district that both of our superiors disproved of so? Maybe it was because he was corrupt, but he had been my friend for several years, so I followed him, took his hand and let him lead me to where I met my doom. I was sure he was just there for the thrills, the alcohol, and the dancers. I was even cheery and went along with it. For the most part. But then my eyes fell upon the popular dancer, clad in her marvelous pink dress, that I couldn't help but fall for her, into her intoxicating embrace. I was sure that most people would have used for her mere carnal pleasures, and for one night I let myself go with her. I was corrupted by her. How did I let this happen? How did I let myself do this and ruin myself? I would never be her knight in shining armor, I could never be anything.
I couldn't help myself at the time. Our eyes met and all I could do was stare at her. I tried to call out her name. My voice had grown hoarse and dry with the sudden lust I felt sprouting. We shared a smile, and her eyes were gallant and fevered. Her graceful smile put me to shame, and my eyes trailed to her, lustfully. I was seduced. I had plucked the flower, and now it was corrupted. I corrupted her and I corrupted myself. But soon my love bloomed out of season. She was like honey, dripping, and its scent sweet. I was poisoned by it, and even then the corruption has turned into passion.
But sometimes I wondered, if it were untrue love that drove us. We whispered sweet nothings to each other. It was our sin, but we kept whispering of this love, this untrue love.
"If you want to know be better-"
"I want to know you better."
"I'm going to expose you."
Soon, though, our sins piled up. It was like a long chain, mocking us both. One that we would never get rid of, that would tie us down for the rest of our lives. I didn't want to live like this, and I didn't think she did either. But if only I hadn't met you, if I hadn't been so curious. If I hadn't noticed you. Then maybe everything would have been alright. But everything was not alright. It was in darkness, in vain. I regretted this. I know you did too. Although I never said anything, you knew. You knew that I regretted this. And I knew that you regretted it too. I planted the seed of regret into your mind, and you acted upon it. Like you saw in my eyes first, I saw in your own. This had always been a bad idea.
Once again our eyes met, but this time a shadow was cast. I turned my eyes away from yours, unable to look at you. How could I feel such guilt? Such pain? How could someone like her do this to me?
"If my yearning for you is…" I started to say, but I was unable to continue.
"If wanting you is…" She started to say as well, but she couldn't continue. I forced out the last word, clogged in my throat. If we trailed off like this, we would never be productive, and we'll rot away our days.
I don't need my heart.
I still loved you. My hot tears always poured down when she was out of sight. I was always thinking of her. I couldn't tell her of my love, but I still never will. Even though I never touched her again, even though all I ever did was smile, I still loved her. I could never let her reach deep into the crevices of my heart and see these feelings. My true feelings couldn't reach you.
"You're aware of my feelings." I admit it – I was.
"If you want me to…"
"So I beg you."
"…I'll snatch you away."
Our playful words vanished into thin air.
But this fate, this future we longed for, I knew we would never reach it, even if we tried so hard. It was a hopeless wish, this forbidden love was. The two of us would never be together, and this pain that we were to embark on was a trick of fate. Our eyes meeting, our so called love, my noticing her. It was a cruel fate. We were divided. Our destinies could never be changed. She was a dancer, needing to pay off her debt. I was an officer, I wasn't supposed to even be enjoying her company, or even know her. Our destinies were unchangeable. So I did something that the both of us knew was necessary. I buried my true feelings.
"If you really love me," I did, but she didn't need to know that. But as she uttered these words, and I uttered mine, I knew what was going to happen. I blinked away my tears.
"Oh, my fleeting dream,"
"I hope you never look back."
"Let me put an end to this."
Till the day we meet again.
These words pained me. I didn't want to let her go. But I had to leave. And she had said it herself – she hoped that I never looked back. But I had to put an end to our relationship. I wanted to look back. I wanted to. But my heart whispered one word.
Sayonara, Rin. I love you.
AN: This is a taste of my writing right now, it's not at it's peak, but that's expecting seeing as it's late, my neck hurts, and such. I actually did some research in the hour and a half I had typing this up.
Also, drop by a review. This is from Len's point of view, and I'm thinking about putting up a Rin point of view soon. Say, maybe a few reviews later? I don't know, so I'm marking this as complete for the time being.